With My Brains and Your Looks

Happy Sunday. A day of rest. But not for this hardboiled dame. Gotta steamin' platter of the darkest, most depraved noir in cyberspace for you ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, and this one is literally ... a killer.

It seems that our star-crossed lovers D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her lesbo trainer Jett Targo have put their plan in motion ... to kill Haven's husband, elderly film director Dart ... but, as it often goes in the world of film noir, things don't happen according to plan ...

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Haven threads a film into the projector. Dart watches from his bed.

He bites into a small cookie, chews.

DART

'A Place in the Sun.' Haven’t seen that picture in years.

(weird smile)

That Liz Taylor -- she was a pip. A real pip.

HAVEN

Liz Taylor? Isn’t she a little -- big?

DART

My god, are you dense.

When Liz Taylor was young, in her prime,

she was the most beautiful woman in Hollywood.

He reaches over to the bedside table. Grabs another cookie.

HAVEN

(sees)

That’s your last cookie, Dart.

We don’t want your sugar spiking.

She finishes with the projector.

Pulls a packet of batteries out of her pocket.

We see the package has been taped closed.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Okay. Time to change the battery on your pump.

DART

Again? So soon?

HAVEN

Silly boy. You know we change the battery every Sunday.

And with all the excitement about your coming home,

I forgot this morning.

Haven goes to Dart, pulls up his night shirt.

An INSULIN PUMP hangs on the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

As Haven changes the battery, Dart grabs another cookie. Hides it.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

(CLICKS it in place)

Okay, that -- does it.

(arranges his shirt)

And now it’s show time.

DART

(wistfully)

'A Place in the Sun' --

Haven shuts off the lights. Starts the projector.

Gets her cocktail from the bedside table. Sits.

ON THE SCREEN

we see the film start. In glorious black and white.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT

Lit by a gas lamp. Jett sits at a small cafe table with a laptop.

A half-dozen empty beer bottles litter the surface.

She lights a smoke. Looks intently at the screen.

ON THE SCREEN

we see a scene from THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE.

LANA TURNER, resplendent in a white one-piece bathing suit,

sashays down the stairs. Stops.

James Garfield leers.

JAMES GARFIELD (V.O.)

With my brains and your looks, we could really go places --

JETT

looks at her wistfully.

Takes a pull from her longneck.

JETT

I’ll have to get Haven one of those.

Her cell phone BRING-RINGS. She picks it up.

JETT (CONT’D)

This is Jett.

HAVEN (V.O.)

It’s me.

JETT

Hello, you. What’s up?

HAVEN (V.O.)

I need to see you.

JETT

But I thought --

HAVEN (V.O.)

It’s an emergency. Dart, he --

(beat)

I’m right outside. Can I come up?

Jett looks, sees --

HAVEN

standing in the driveway down below.

With Buster on a leash.

Small and scared-looking.

She waves, a hopeful half-smile.

JETT

My place is a mess. I’ll be right down.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Jett dashes over to Haven. Worried.

Pulls her down the driveway to where it ends at the canal.

JETT

What’s up? Did something go wrong?

HAVEN

He went into shock. He’s having -- an attack.

JETT

That’s good, right?

HAVEN

Yeah, but he’s so -- loud. I’m scared.

I’m afraid he’s gonna wake up the neighborhood,

especially fucking Nola.

Can you come back to the boat with me?

JETT

Isn’t that kinda dangerous? What about --

HAVEN

It’s one in the morning. Everyone’s lights are out.

(beat)

And I want to keep it that way.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Buster comes BOUNDING in. Followed by Haven. Then Jett.

HAVEN

That’s what I’m telling you. Listen --

We hear low, ANGUISHED MOANING from upstairs.

JETT

What’s happening to him?

HAVEN

His body is screaming out for insulin,

but he’s not getting any,

so his blood sugar is plummeting.

He’s having seizures.

(beat)

Bad ones.