Bound For Pleasure

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. You lookin' for a little hardboiled action? Your daily fix of the deepest, darkest noir? Then get your flabby asses over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... where you can get That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's rip-roaring episode of A DISH BEST KILLED. Hope you're packing, cause things are about to get a little ... tricky.

Just as D-movie actress/femme fatale Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover/personal trainer Jett Targo have hatched their plan to kill Haven's husband, elderly film director Dart Crayce, things start to come a bit ... unhinged.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BATHROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

Dart Crayce is in the bathtub. Bony ass toward us. He pulls himself up,

hanging onto a chrome handle bolted into the tiles --

which COMES LOOSE with a CRUNCH --

DART

What the -- ?

And he SLIPS! BANG, he goes down. CRACKS his head.

BANGS his ass on the cold, hard porcelain.

HAVEN (O.C.)

Dart, honey? You okay in there? We don’t want you to --

She walks in.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Shrivel into a prune --

Sees him. SCREAMS.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Dart!

Races over. Puts her arms around him.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Honey, are you okay? Dart? Can you hear me? Honey?

EXT. MARINA PENINSULA - OCEAN BOARDWALK - DAY

Jett trains a FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST (30’s),

a pair of ten-pound free-weights in his hands.

He raises the right, then the left.

Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

-- and I closed at five-point-four million.

He didn’t know what the fuck hit him.

Got the cocksucker right where it hurts.

Bang, zoom -- right to the moon, Alice.

JETT

Okay. Let’s do some squats.

Haven appears, with Buster.

Amazing in a bikini top.

Denim Mini. Six-inch wedgies.

Freaked behind heart-shaped shades.

HAVEN

Jett, I need to talk to you.

JETT

What’s wrong?

Fat’s cell phone RINGS.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

(to Jett)

Hold on a sec, I gotta take this --

(into the phone)

It went down HOW MUCH?

He waddles away, out of ear shot.

Waving his arms madly.

HAVEN

Dart fell in the bathtub. Banged his head.

JETT

Why didn’t you call me?

HAVEN

I don’t have your number.

JETT

Did you call 911?

HAVEN

He wouldn’t let me. He doesn’t like doctors.

JETT

But -- is he okay?

HAVEN

Oh, sure. Three Advils,

couple a hits off one of his 'Bobby Mitchum joints',

and he’s sleeping like a baby.

JETT

But he might have a concussion.

Maybe we should call his doctor.

HAVEN

Are you kidding?

He might have to go to the hospital,

and then we’re FUCKED.

He might not ever come back!

JETT

But if he has a concussion, and he’s sleeping --

HAVEN

Oh, shit.

JETT

Oh, shit is right. C’mon, let’s go --

They start walking away. Fat ambles over.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

Hey, where are you going?

What about the rest of my workout?

JETT

Sorry, uh -- family emergency.

We gotta end early today.

Go home and do thirty minutes on the Stairmaster.

I’ll see you on Wednesday.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

Okay, sure.

(looks at Haven)

Hey. Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Are you an actress?

HAVEN

Why, yes I am. What did you see me in?

'Wishcraft IV?' 'Spring Break Babylon?'

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

No --

(SNAPS his fingers)

That’s it. 'Bound for Pleasure.' Bondage flick.

HAVEN

As if. Pervert.

(to Jett)

Come on, honey.

Let’s go back to my place --

and do naughty things.

JETT

(whispers)

Haven.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST

You two are -- ?

HAVEN

(laughs, evil)

That’s right. And no, you can’t watch.

So why don’t you go home,

jerk off and think about

what I’m going to do to your TRAINER.

PUSH IN ON Fat, Sweating.

Beady eyes flickering.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - GALLEY ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER

Jett follows Haven onto the boat.

JETT

You can’t tell anyone else about us.

If we’re going to --

do this, nobody can know we’re --

(a whisper)

In a relationship.

HAVEN

You’re right. I’m sorry, I wasn’t --

(realizes)

Did you say we’re -- in a relationship?

Jett takes Haven’s hand. Holds it to her heart.

JETT

You make me feel something I’ve never felt before, Haven.

For the first time in my life, I feel ALIVE.

Like I can do anything. Be anyone. Go anywhere.

HAVEN

I’m with you, baby.

(beat)

Straight down the line.