Happy Hump day, crime slicksters. Are you aching for a little action? Some cheap, balls-out, hardboiled kicks? Then put up your spreadsheets, put down your BlackBerries, and tune your eyeballs onto the hippest joint in town ... at That Killing FeelingOnto today's joint from HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, where thing's are really picking up steam.
Wanted fugitive/screenwriter/prisoner Friday Foster is in court, awaiting her sentencing ...
And then, she appears, whether she likes it or not, on her new reality show, AMERICAN OUTLAW ...
Meanwhile, the late night talk show hosts are having a field day.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MUNICIPAL COURTHOUSE - DAY
The by now ubiquitous MEDIA CIRCUS. The day of the locust.
The day of reckoning. They shoot horses, don’t they?
A swarm of NEWS VANS. COP SUV’S, PATROL CARS.
SPECTATORS crush against the BARRICADE
like fans at the Oscar red carpet.
Media HELICOPTERS swirl in the sky.
Did I mention it was a zoo?
CAMERA
glides along a row of REPORTERS, each with their crew.
REBECCA DIAZ,
Crime Time News anchor. Dazzling smile. Dimples.
REBECCA
On this sun-drenched day in Beverly Hills --
CHERRY BLAZER,
Action News Network. Thrusts her chest out.
CHERRY
Friday Foster is waiting to hear the verdict --
COOPER TUCKERSON,
INN News. Cocks his salt-and-pepper J. Crewcut. Eyes blazing.
COOPER
From the jury in the packed courthouse --
BLITZ WOLFOWITZ,
MSMSM online. Chubby. Glasses. Grey beard twitching.
BLITZ
Where earlier today she pleaded guilty --
DIEGO LUNA,
network veteran. Smarmy. Oily. Mustache glistening.
DIEGO
At which point the spectators in the courtroom erupted in CHEERS --
LEWIS BLACK
stands in front a van that reads LAFF LAND. Royally pissed.
LEWIS BLACK
So JUDGE LITO had to CLEAR OUT the fucking COURTROOM,
including all THE MEDIA. Goddammit, people --
WHAT THE FUCK?
LIVELY MANN
Smirks. So totally excited.
LIVELY
So I ask you, Bob and Betty Nielson, what do YOU think?
Should Friday Foster be locked up?
Or let go with a slap on the wrist?
(winks)
You decide. Call, right now --
1-800-Free-Friday.
That’s 1-800-Free-Friday.
Operators are standing by --
IN THE COURTROOM
Friday sits at a table with her ATTORNEY.
Facing the JUDGE.
A STENOGRAPHER click-clicks on her keyboard.
The DISTRICT ATTORNEY paces.
Looks out at the empty courtroom --
Except for a small VIDEO CREW to the left of the Judge.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
What the fuck is taking so long? She plead guilty.
A BAILIFF
comes through a door in the back.
Walks up to the judge.
Hands him a note.
Judge Frito reads it.
JUDGE FRITO
The jury has reached a verdict.
(to the jury foreman)
What say you, jury foreman?
The JURY FOREMAN (50), egg-shaped, quietly intense,
eyes dancing with delight, reads from a piece of paper,
finger pointed in the air like the orator he wishes he could be.
JURY FOREMAN
We the Jury, find the defendant,
Friday Foster, guilty as charged.
(beat)
We recommend two years of probation.
As she’s a celebrity and stuff.
(a whisper)
Any way I can get an autograph?
Judge Frito BANGS his gavel.
JUDGE FRITO
Quiet in the court!
We’ll have no celebreality pandering in MY courtroom.
(looks at Friday, stern)
On behalf of the State of California,
we the people sentence Friday Foster
to ten years in a maximum security correctional facility.
People GASP.
JUDGE FRITO (CONT'D)
Do you have anything to say for yourself, Ms. Foster?
Friday STANDS. Faces the judge.
FRIDAY
Yeah.
(pumps a fist)
Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!
THE CAMERAMAN
whispers to the LIGHTING TECHNICIAN.
CAMERMAN
She’s a natural --
JUDGE FRITO
(BANGS his gavel)
BAILIFF. Take the prisoner AWAY.
A SNAZZY THEME SONG over TITLES:
AMERICAN OUTLAW.
RYAN SEACREST
Welcome to -- AMERICAN OUTLAW --
SHAKY HAND-HELD FOOTAGE --
Friday is taken down a corridor in manacles and restraints.
A row of COPS HOOT and JEER at her as she goes by.
She sees the CAMERA CREW.
FRIDAY
What the (BEEP) are you DOING? (BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.)
You said you weren’t going to (BEEP-BEEP) shoot this part!
CAMERMAN
We lied.
EXT. COURTHOUSE - SHAKY CAM - MOMENTS LATER
Friday is led along with a row of prisoners in chains
into a waiting transport vehicle.
She turns. Gives us THE FINGER.
A FAT, SLACK-JAWED SUBURBAN FAMILY
watches the show on TV. Eating their dinner on trays.
FAT DAD
That Friday shure is a dish --
FAT LITTLE GIRL
Mommy, what’s a ‘Media Whore?’
FAT MOM
Shut up and eat your Hot Pockets.
THE TONIGHT SHOW - AT THAT MOMENT
JAY LENO cocks his head. Points his giant chin. Smiles.
JAY LENO
This was in the news, did you see it?
A WOMAN, right here in LA, pulled a GUN on a waitress,
and demanded an APOLOGY, said the waitress wasn’t POLITE.
(beat)
I’d hate to see what she’d do if the ORDER was wrong --
LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN - CONTINUOUS
Dave sits at his desk. Flashes a gap-toothed smile.
DAVE LETTERMAN
Top Ten Reasons To Take A Movie Studio Hostage --
APPLAUSE from the audience. Laughter. CHEERING.
DAVE LETTERMAN (CONT'D)
Number ten, my parents took the studio tour,
and all I got was this PISTOL --
THE CRAIG FERGUSON SHOW - CONTINUOUS
Craig Ferguson paces the stage. Goofy grin.
CRAIG FERGUSON
And then she HIJACKED a CAR.
Yes! It’s true!
NOOOOOO, she’s not in a GANG.
She’s a SCREENWRITER.
(eyes dart back and forth)
Can you imagine what could have happened
if she was a DIRECTOR?
(wild grin)
Michael Bay, eat your HEART out.
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