Like A Virgin

Depraved acts of lust. Desperate acts of mayhem. Robbery. Kidnapping. Assault with a deadly intention. Some people call it 'Labor Day.' I call it a labor of love. Cause when the hardboiled action gets rough, some people get ... That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's crime joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, folks. Pulls up a log ... and shoot it.

D-movie actress/femme fatale Haven Crayce and personal trainer Jett Targo, inflamed with passion during their 'personal training' session, decide to take their passion onto the ship ... where Haven's lust takes a most murderous turn ...

EXT. THE SAFE HAVEN HOUSEBOAT - DAWN

Jett kneels. Takes Haven’s foot, places it on her shoulder.

A gold anklet glistens in the sunlight. Jett stares it.

HAVEN

Like my anklet?

JETT

It’s -- nice.

HAVEN

Ever see Double Indemnity?

JETT

Sure.

(tries to compose herself)

Okay, just relax. I’ll go slowly --

Jett carefully raises Haven’s glorious, gleaming leg,

until she hears her give out a little moan.

JETT (CONT'D)

That’s good, that’s good. Just breath into it --

A horn HONKS. Haven looks, sees --

TRIMMER WALTZ

in his Sheriff’s boat. Right nearby. He waves.

HAVEN

Deputy Waltz.

TRIMMER

(big smile)

Please, I told you -- call me Trimmer,

all my friends do. Who’s your chum?

HAVEN

This is Jett. She’s my personal trainer.

JETT

Hello, officer.

TRIMMER

Hey, there. Not TOO personal, I hope. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Haven stares. Eyes burning with barely disguised contempt.

TRIMMER (CONT'D)

How’s your husband doing these days? He feeling okay?

HAVEN

Just peachy. Eight hours of dialysis, and he’s fit as a fiddle.

TRIMMER

He’s awfully lucky to have a gal like you look after him.

The radio SQUAWKS. Trimmer gets it. Listens.

TRIMMER (CONT’D)

Copy that, I’m on my way -- Roger and out.

(shakes his head)

Got trouble on one of the luxury yachts.

Yuppie bastard set the galley on fire.

See you later, Haven.

And he cruises away with a ROAR of his engine.

HAVEN

Goodbye, asshole.

JETT

He likes you.

HAVEN

Well, I don’t like him.

(a whisper)

I like -- you.

Jett blushes. Haven gets closer. Their bodies touch.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Do you -- like me?

JETT

Like you -- how?

HAVEN

Like this --

Haven softly kisses her. Pulls back. Surveys the damage.

JETT

(hoarse whisper)

Like that --

Jett kisses back. They melt into each other.

Jett’s hands stroke Haven’s curves, slowly, carefully.

Like a virgin.

HAVEN

(quiet)

You make me -- shiver.

And their passion takes off like a blowtorch to dry kindling.

Hands, arms, lips everywhere in a tornado of sin.

Haven STOPS. Looks around. Grabs Jett’s hand --

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Not out here. Come with me.

And pulls her inside the boat.

ON THE BOAT NEXT DOOR

Nola watches with binoculars through her main window.

She lowers them. Shakes her head. Wow.

NOLA

The little minx.

IN DART’S BEDROOM

He lies in bed. Breakfast tray on his lap. Watching TV.

ON THE SCREEN

we see a biography of Humphrey Bogart.

ROBERT OSBOURNE (O.C.)

Bogart got his big break on High Sierra, co-starring Ida Lupino.

It was in this picture that Bogart, playing an escaped convict,

was able to show his soft side,

when he takes a shine to a crippled girl,

and pays for an operation that will --

IN THE MAIN CABIN

Jett and Haven lie on the couch. In each other’s arms.

HAVEN

I’m sorry that was so fast. I haven’t --

(beat)

Made love in a while.

JETT

How -- long?

Haven BURSTS into tears.

Hangs onto Jett for dear life.

JETT (CONT’D)

(puts arms around her)

Hey, now -- it’s okay.

I’m sorry I asked.

It’s none of my business.

Haven JERKS away. Eyes full of fury.

HAVEN

We haven’t had sex in FOUR YEARS,

since his diabetes got worse

and we moved onto this fucking BOAT.

I was his nurse, see --and then he married me.

I thought it would help my acting career --

but then he got sick, and, and --

it got all FUCKED UP.

JETT

I know all about that.

Sometimes you have to do

whatever it takes to get what you want.

But sometimes it just -- doesn’t work out.

(beat)

And then you’re fucked.

Haven stares at her. Blinking.

HAVEN

EXACTLY. And now he treats me like shit,

orders me around, won’t let me have any friends,

won’t let me LEAVE. Everything is delivered.

I can only go out to walk the dog.

I’m a fucking PRISONER.

I’m SUFFOCATING,

and I can’t TAKE IT anymore.

(low, urgent)

I wish he would DIE.

JETT

Shhh. You shouldn’t talk like that.

The bell RING-RING-RINGS.

HAVEN

(looks at her watch)

Shit, it’s time.

JETT

Go see what he wants. I’ll wait here.

HAVEN

(slowly gets up, stands)

I know what he wants.

(beat)

It’s time for his -- hand job.

JETT

His WHAT?

HAVEN

Right before we start the dialysis machine,

I have to jerk him off, so he’ll fall asleep.

He says it relaxes him.

(beat)

Fucking Viagra.

JETT

Every day? How old IS he?

Haven goes to the door.

HAVEN

Too old to live.

(beat)

Don’t go?

(off Jett’s nod)

Think about what I said --

(scowling)

And think about what I have to go do right now.