The Stuff of Pinup Dreams

Happy Friday, crime fucks. Gotta new story for ya ... A Dish Best Killed ... a steamy, sultry, seductive, uber-violent film noir. So come on in, where the water's cold, and the women are colder ... at That Killing Feeling.

I'm pleased today to unveil the first chapeter of A DISH BEST KILLED, my film noir homage to those classics like DOUBLE INDEMNITY, THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE and THE VENGEFUL VIRGIN. Throw in a little BODY HEAT, a dash of BOUND, stir in a few double-crosses, some murderous lesbian femme fatales, and you've got a recipe for depraved fun.

Hold onto your libidos, kids. It's gonna be a bumpy ride ...

Oh. And today you'll find out the origin of THAT KILLING FEELING.

EXT. MARINA - DUSK

A cool, crisp evening.

Magic hour tequila sunset smears orange on blue water.

Wind whips through a line of luxury sailboats gently bobbing.

A GULL flies by. CAW-CAW-CAWS.

CAMERA finds a HOUSEBOAT. Ghostly. Shades drawn.

Old and peeling. Dark wood. Brass fixtures.

We see the vessel’s name on the stern in cracked, gold cursive.

SAFE HAVEN, indeed.

A WOMAN (25) appears on the deck.

We GASP, as she is heartbreakingly beautiful.

The kind that makes you ache with longing.

A curvy cocktail with mile-high legs.

Meet HAVEN CRAYCE. Blonde, blue-eyed.

The stuff of pinup dreams.

Right now she’s in a killer black cocktail dress and five-inch heels.

Pulls a JACK RUSSELL TERRIER on a leash.

HAVEN

(puts on shades)

Come on, Buster.

And the dog TAKES OFF like a rocket.

YANKS the leash,

as Haven CAREENS down the gangplank,

heels CLACK-CLACK-CLACKING.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Buster, GODAMMIT.

EXT. MARINA CHANNEL - PARK - AT THAT MOMENT

Another WOMAN (28) walks a small, black DOG.

Tall and lanky, like a jock.

Pretty in that clear-eyed Midwestern way.

Chestnut mane in a boyish bob.

Sweats, denim and leather.

Meet JETT TARGO. Recent transplant from Kansas.

Buff, in shape, but there’s a vague hint of wild Saturday nights.

Secret debaucheries.

She gives TINA a doggie treat.

JETT

Good girl.

They start ambling down the sidewalk.

Watching the boats in the channel. It’s bucolic.

Then why does Jett look pensive?

HAVEN comes into view, pulled by Buster. She stops.

Sees Jett. Lowers her sunglasses. Gets a better look.

Jett sees Haven. Jerks to a stop.

If we could see up close,

we’d notice the hairs standing up on the back of her neck.

HAVEN

Cute dog. What is she?

JETT

She’s, uh -- a Cocker Spaniel-King Charles mix.

My neighbor’s dog. I walk her sometimes as a favor.

HAVEN

Buster’s a Jack Russell.

(rubs the dog’s head)

Aren’t you, Mister Man?

(offers her hand)

I’m Haven. Haven Crayce.

JETT

(takes it, shakes)

Jett Targo. This is Tina.

(beat)

Haven Crayce. Sounds exotic.

HAVEN

Jett Targo. Sounds athletic.

(beat)

Which way are you walking?

JETT

(points)

That way. We were -- going to go look at the boats.

HAVEN

Great. Me, too.

JETT

You like boats?

HAVEN

Not really.

(beat)

I live on one.

EXT. MARINA - DOCK - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Haven and Jett stand on the dock. Looking at the SAFE HAVEN.

JETT

You live on it? Year round?

HAVEN

Unfortunately.

JETT

I’d love to live on a boat like this.

HAVEN

Would you like a tour?

PUSH IN ON Jett. Nervous. Approaching excited.

JETT

Sure.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MOMENTS LATER

Haven leads Jett into a living room area with a galley.

Buster goes to the water bowl. Tina sniffs around.

HAVEN

This is where we do most of our entertaining.

JETT

We?

HAVEN

My husband and I.

JETT

Oh.

HAVEN

Don’t look so disappointed.

I married the old fuck for his money,

and for my career.

Haven walks over to Jett. Gets close. Jett stares.

The chemistry is palpable. Electric.

HAVEN (CONT'D)

(softly)

You know Dart Crayce, the director?

JETT

Sure. He directed all those classic film noirs --

That Killing Feeling, The Dead Don’t Cry,

Blood Gets In Your Eyes --

Haven takes Jett’s hands in hers.

A clock TICK-TICK-TICKS.

HAVEN

That’s him.

(beat)

And now he’s very old -- and very sick.

Haven closes her eyes. Leans in for a kiss.

JETT

I don’t think -- this is a good --

But Haven’s warm, soft mouth is too fast.

She kisses Jett. It’s delicious.

The world stops for a moment.

We sigh.

A bell RING-RING-RINGS. Haven JUMPS.

HAVEN

Shit.

JETT

What was that?

HAVEN

(angry, eyes flashing)

That’s him.

(beat)

The old bastard’s bed-ridden.

It’s a fucking nightmare.

He’s a diabetic fuck,

and I’m a prisoner on the good ship insulin.

(come hither)

Stay here. Be right back.

And she dashes off.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Inflamed. Confused.