Wanton Acts of Illicit Desire

It's Friday, crime freaks. Are you ready to get your hardboiled/pulp/noir crime groove on? Then strap on your stilletos, pour yourself a cold one, click a magazine in the chamber, and get your ass over to That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's bleak scenario from A DISH BEST KILLED. When we last left our murderous couple, D-movie starlet/femme fatale Haven Crayce and corn-fed lesbian/personal trainer Jett Targo, things were getting quite steamy. And now that Haven's husband, elderly film director Dart, is going to the hospital to have some tests run after his horrible 'accident,' it leaves the ladies free to get a little naughty ... and plot his death.

EXT. HOUSEBOAT - DAY

The little person smiles, turns, and skittles down the gangplank.

JETT

What’s going on here?

HAVEN

Fucking nosy midget. Spying on me.

(thinks)

We’re going to have to do it soon.

Have you thought of anything yet?

JETT

Yeah. His insulin pump?

HAVEN

What about it?

JETT

I’ve been researching what happens if it fails --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

Top o’ the mornin,’ Mrs. Crayce!

Haven turns, sees --

‘BING’ BIRMINGHAM, MD (70’S).

Tall, hulking with a big gut, shock of white hair.

Gap-toothed smile in a soft, doughy face.

Waddling up the gangplank with his doctor’s bag.

HAVEN

Dr. Birmingham. Nice to see you.

BING

Gorgeous day for a workout.

I see you’ve hired a trainer.

(offers his hand to Jett)

Bing Birmingham, MD.

But you can call me Dr. Bing.

Everyone does.

JETT

(takes hand, shakes)

Dr. -- Bing. Jett Targo, hi.

PUSH IN ON Bing. Suddenly serious.

BING

Let’s go see the patient.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDOOM - MOMENTS LATER

Dart lies in bed, scowling. Dr. Bing holds a stethoscope on Dart’s chest.

Haven and Jett stand nearby, watching.

BING

Heart rate is a bit high --

(to Dart)

I’d like you to come to St. Luke’s for a couple of days

so I can run some tests.

DART

No hospitals. I hate hospitals.

HAVEN

Can’t you run tests -- here?

BING

I’m sorry, but I want to run a cat scan,

do an MRI, some blood work --

DART

No hospitals, godammit.

BING

Still feisty. That’s good. You’re a fighter.

But I’m sorry, Dart, I’m going to have to insist.

He pulls out his cell phone. Punches a number. Listens.

BING (CONT’D)

Yes. This is Dr. Bing Birmingham.

I have a patient I’d like to admit --

PUSH IN ON Haven and Jett. Exchanging nervous glances.

A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE

is gripped by red-nailed hands. The cork POPS.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Shades are drawn. Candles are flickering. Soft music bubbles.

In bed are Haven, saucy in red panties and bra.

And Jett, suave in a black tank top.

Cut arm muscles glistening.

A champagne bottle erupts in a geyser of FOAM.

Haven and Jett try to catch it with their flutes. LAUGHING.

HAVEN

Shit! It’s getting all over the bed!

JETT

So we’ll wash the sheets. Who’s gonna complain?

HAVEN

NOBODY!

Jett takes a sip. Haven GUZZLES hers.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

More, more!

(pours another, raises glass)

A toast --

JETT

(raises hers)

A toast --

HAVEN

To three days all by ourselves.

JETT

To wanton acts of illicit desire.

They CLINK. Drink.

HAVEN

That sounds like a line from a movie.

JETT

That Killing Feeling.

HAVEN

The one where two guys rob a bank --

JETT

Farley Granger and Sal Mineo.

With a homoerotic subtext that gives a new meaning

to the phrase riding off into the sunset.

Haven puts her hand on Jett’s thigh.

HAVEN

Speaking of illicit desire --

Jett leans over. Kisses Haven softly. Touches her face.

JETT

You are -- so beautiful.

Haven smiles. Thinking. A storm cloud passes. Bites her lip.

JETT (CONT’D)

What’s wrong?

HAVEN

We have to come up with our plan.

Right away. We don’t have much time.

(beat)

We’re being watched.

JETT

You’re right.

(grabs her glass, takes a sip)

I’ve been thinking. I think I have an idea.

(beat)

What if the battery died in his insulin pump?

HAVEN

But I change the battery once a week.

JETT

But what if you put in a defective battery?

By mistake. On purpose.

There would be no suspicion.

If you didn’t change the batteries,

then it would be suspicious.

But if you put in a defective battery,

by mistake --

HAVEN

That’s fucking brilliant.

(beat)

But where do we get a defective battery?

JETT

We drain a new one.

Put one in a flashlight or something.

Leave it on until it’s almost dead.

(beat)

So how long -- would it take?

HAVEN

How long would what take?

JETT

For him to -- you know.

HAVEN

I dunno. A couple hours?

Maybe a little longer.

He’ll go into insulin shock,

which at his age would be fatal.

(beat)

But what am I supposed to do while he’s --

JETT

You screen a movie every night, right?

HAVEN

YES. But, wait -- most of those movies are short.

A little over an hour.

JETT

So you pick a long one.

I just saw A Place In The Sun,

and it’s over two hours.

HAVEN

Perfect. I’ve never seen it,

and he’ll be impressed I want to.

(thinks)

And if we have little wine, he’ll fall asleep --

JETT

Then it’s a plan.

They raise their glasses. Toast.

JETT (CONT’D)

To -- doing this.

HAVEN

To -- gether.

(beat)

Straight down the line.

They drink. Drain their glasses.

Jett takes the bottle.

Slowly pours champagne on Haven’s thigh.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Hey! What are you doing? That’s COLD.

Jett smiles, leans down. Starts licking it off.

Haven writhes in ecstasy. Little kitty moans.

Jett GRABS the comforter --

And PULLS IT over them.

JETT (O.C.)

Heh-heh-heh --

HAVEN (O.C.)

Wait, that’s --

(beat)

Yeah, RIGHT THERE.

(beat)

Oh MY GOD.