Happy Tuesday, crime fucks. Are you looking for some cheap, tawdry thrills? A little hardboiled/pulp/noir depravity? Then you've come to the right place ... where the girls are hot, and the drinks are cold ... where you'll get That Killing Feeling.Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things get a little steamy. In today's episode, wanted fugitives from the law D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her murderous lesbian lover Jett Targo have eluded the cops, and have holed up in a shitty little motel by the beach ... where things get a bit ... sexy ...
EXT. COUNTY ROAD - NIGHT
The truck ROARS down the gravel road.
HAVEN
You see the look on his face?
He just died and went to trailer trash heaven.
He’s probably jerking off in it right now.
JETT
I think we should hole up somewhere for the night.
I’d rather cross the border in the morning, when there’s more traffic.
HAVEN
Ooh. I love the sound of holing up.
EXT. COUNTY ROAD - CONTINUOUS
The pickup FLIES down the road.
Behind them, a DODGE DART SWINGER
pulls out of the bushes, and ROARS after them.
INT. SHERIFF’S MUSTER ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Your typical shitty institutional municipal squad room.
Cal Seely stands at a lectern in front of a dozen
UNIFORMED OFFICERS and a handful of PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVES.
CAL
We’ve put out an APB.
All regional airports,
bus stations and trains are being watched.
The highway patrol is on it.
And we’ve alerted the media,
who is calling them 'Bonnie and Bride.'
A smattering of chuckling.
CAL (CONT’D)
This isn’t a fucking JOKE.
We need to FIND them, and find them NOW.
This is front page news, people.
I want you to fucking take apart that whore’s boat,
and that fucking dyke’s apartment --
and find out where the fuck they’ve gone.
(beat)
Do I make myself clear?
EXT. MOTOR COURT - NIGHT
A foghorn BLEATS somewhere off the coast.
A dense FOG has rolled in from the ocean.
Lights look blurry, fuzzy.
There’s a sharp, damp, pungent chill in the air over --
THE BUCCANEER.
A small motor court motel across the street from the beach.
A deserted area far away from the touristy crap.
A small semi-circle of shitty bungalows face the water.
The middle one has a sign that reads OFFICE. VACANCY.
Jett’s pickup pulls up behind it and stops.
INT. PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
Jett shuts off the ignition. Slips on a cowboy hat. Shades.
HAVEN
I like the hat. Makes you look -- rugged.
JETT
Let me check in by myself.
You’re too -- memorable.
HAVEN
That sounds like a line from something.
JETT
From our life, baby face.
HAVEN
Hurry up, I’m cold.
INT. MOTOR COURT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
A plump BUCK-TOOTHED WOMAN
sits at the desk reading a true crime magazine.
Riveted. Slowly eating potato chips.
Jett comes in quietly.
Closes the door behind her.
JETT
Evenin’. Mighty cold out there.
BUCK-TOOTH
It’s the fog. Cold and wet it is.
She smiles strangely.
This bulb is definitely low-wattage.
JETT
Can I get a cabin for the night?
BUCK-TOOTH
Sure thing. Got one left.
But the heater’s broke.
Got a fireplace, though.
JETT
How much?
BUCK-TOOTH
(hands her a key)
Fifty bucks. Check out is at eleven.
JETT
(takes it)
Mighty obliged.
BUCK-TOOTH
How can you see in those shades?
It’s night-time, mister.
PUSH IN ON Jett. Delighted.
EXT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Quaint and cute. Forty years ago.
Now, musty and well-worn.
Wooden furniture. Ancient TV.
An overstuffed couch facing a stone fireplace.
Typical shitty paintings of ships at sea.
Haven walks in, hefting a large briefcase,
followed by Jett, carrying their luggage.
HAVEN
Who knew eight-hundred grand was so HEAVY.
Jett drops the luggage with a BANG.
JETT
I thought I told you to pack light.
She goes to the fireplace. Gets a fire going.
HAVEN
Hey, a girl’s gotta have a change of outfits.
Don’t you want me to look sexy for you?
Jett walks over to her. Kisses her.
JETT
You’d look good in a burlap bag.
HAVEN
You know what I wanna do?
JETT
What.
HAVEN
Roll around in it.
JETT
Roll around in what?
Haven goes to the briefcase. Opens it.
HAVEN
The money. I wanna feel it on my skin.
She takes out a bundle. RIPS off the tape. THROWS it in air.
It flutters down like confetti. Haven SQUEALS with joy.
JETT
You think you should do that?
What if somebody comes by?
HAVEN
No one’s coming.
We’re all alone, and it’s late.
C’mon, it’s FUN.
Haven takes out two more.
RIPS them open. TOSSES them.
HAVEN (CONT'D)
Wheeeeee!
She twirls in the fluttering bills like a dancer.
Jett stares. Takes some money. RIPS it open.
THROWS it. They both start LAUGHING MADLY.
A storm of cash RAINS down on them.
Haven stops. SHRIEKS --
And strips off her dress. Glorious in lingerie and heels.
The vixen gets down on the carpet and ROLLS AROUND in it.
Jett showers her with more cash.
HAVEN (CONT’D)
Fuck me, BEN FRANKLIN.
Jett takes off her boots. Her jeans.
Then joins Haven on the money-covered rug
in front of the roaring fire.
HAVEN (CONT’D)
We made it, baby.
There’s nobody else in the world.
JETT
And you’re mine. All mine.
(beat)
There’s nobody else.
And they start making love, like animals.
Jett BITES Haven’s throat. She CRIES OUT.
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