Blood Gets In Your Eyes

Happy Thursday, crime freaks. Feeling a little disgruntled? Ready to flip out? Lose it? Wanna take a gun up on the roof and start picking off pedestrians? Well, we've got the cure ... for when you have That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where the things are starting to get ... a little hairy.

D-movie starlet/femme fatale Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover/personal trainer Jett Targo watch over Haven's husband Dart, who has suffered a nasty fall, only discover that they are being watched ...

First by deputy sheriff Trimmer Waltz, who himself has a thing for Haven ...

And also by Haven's neighbor, hard-drinking, foul-mouthed midget actress Nola Bliss.

Get out your scorecards, crime slicksters ...

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DART’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jett and Haven kneel at the side of the bed. Watch Dart. Sleeping peacefully.

JETT

We should wake him.

HAVEN

What should I tell him about you?

JETT

That I’m your personal trainer, and I know alot about --

Dart’s eyes OPEN. Groggy.

DART

(to Jett)

Who the fuck are you?

HAVEN

This is my trainer, Dart.

She heard what happened,

and wanted to take a look at you,

see if you’re okay --

JETT

Hello, Mr. Crayce. I’m a big fan.

DART

Trainer? You hired a trainer?

I’m not going to pay for --

JETT

I’m not charging her, Mr. Crayce. We met walking our dogs.

Haven told me about having chronic back pain,

and I offered to show her an exercise routine that would help.

DART

Out of the goodness of your heart.

JETT

Well, sir -- it’s what I do.

I was raised in a good, Christian family,

and I was taught to do unto others --

DART

You said you’re a fan of mine?

JETT

Oh, yeah -- I’m a big movie buff.

DART

What’s your favorite film of mine?

JETT

'Blood Gets In Your Eyes.'

Bogart and Stanwyck,

together for the first time.

Perfect film.

(beat)

Is it true that the original leads

were Ronald Reagan and Jane Wyatt?

DART

Why, yes -- but, how did you -- ?

JETT

Robert Osbourne.

Turner Movie Classics.

Never miss it.

DART

That Bobby Osbourne.

What a little rascal.

I owe him a lunch.

HAVEN

How are you feeling?

How’s your head?

DART

My head is fine.

It’s my ass that’s killing me.

JETT

No blurry vision?

Heart palpitations?

DART

I’m just fine, young lady.

Now, if you’ll excuse us,

it’s almost time for my dialysis, and my --

Dart looks at Haven. A lewd grin.

HAVEN

Physical therapy.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Horrified.

EXT. HOUSEBOAT - THE NEXT MORNING

Jett trains Haven outside on the deck.

HAVEN

What was I supposed to say?

'You can’t come and examine him

because he might have to go to the hospital

and then we can’t KILL him?'

JETT

What time is he supposed to be here?

HAVEN

Any minute now.

JETT

Shit.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

Mornin’, ladies.

Jett and Haven look, see --

TRIMMER WALTZ

on his Sheriff’s boat. Big ol’ grin on his face.

JETT

(nods)

Deputy.

HAVEN

Trimmer.

TRIMMER

Sure is a gorgeous day.

JETT

Yes, sir.

TRIMMER

(to Haven)

How is your husband doing?

Has he recovered from that nasty fall?

HAVEN

(surprised)

Uh -- he’s fine.

TRIMMER

Lucky for him you were around.

Hate to see anything happen to him.

The radio SQUAWKS.

Trimmer picks up the receiver. Listens.

TRIMMER (CONT'D)

Holy COW. I’ll be right there, chief.

(clicks it off, looks at them)

Pregnant lady fell in the drink at the Fisherman’s Wharf.

Baptism by water. Heh-heh-heh.

(salutes)

See ya later.

And he ZOOMS away.

HAVEN

What the fuck?

JETT

How did he find out? You think he’s --

HAVEN

Watching us?

JETT

I dunno, I --

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)

Ahoy, mateys!

HAVEN

(turns, looks)

Nola.

JETT

Who is THAT?

HAVEN

Neighbor from hell.

NOLA BLISS

stands on the dock in a tiny running suit.

Bottle of imported beer in one hand,

the rest of the six pack in the other.

She pads up the gangplank on little feet.

Big smile and a wave.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

Nola. This is a nice surprise. What’s going on?

NOLA

I’m celebrating.

Just got a role in the new Jason Statham flick,

'The Inter-rogator.' Joe Carnahan HAD to have me.

HAVEN

That’s great. So you’re, what -- the love interest?

NOLA

I wish. I’m an assassin.

They look at each other. Fake smiles.

NOLA (CONT’D)

Beer?

HAVEN

Sorry, I’m -- working out.

NOLA

You certainly are.

JETT

(offers her hand)

Hi, I’m Jett. Her trainer.

NOLA

Nice to meet you.

(gives her the once-over)

Do you have any openings?

I might have to get in shape for this role.

JETT

My schedule’s pretty full.

But let me check, and I’ll get back to you.

NOLA

Super.

(to Haven)

So how is your husband? Is he okay?

That was a pretty nasty fall.

HAVEN

He’s -- fine, thanks.

NOLA

That’s good. Whew.

(brightly)

Well, I gotta toodle-oo.

Gotta wardrobe fitting. Ciao, darlings.

She smiles, turns, and skittles down the gangplank.

JETT

What’s going on here?

HAVEN

Fucking nosy midget. Spying on me.