Take Your Piece Out Of My Pants

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Feeling beaten down by life? Trudging through a meaningless, 9-to-5 existence? Then why not get your hardboiled/pulp/noir groove on, and get your ass over to the darkest place in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things are spiraling downward into an inevitable, horrific conclusion for our murderous, star-crossed lovebirds, D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and corn-fed, musclebound Jett Targo, as they make their getaway in a classic, vintage Cadillac convertible ...

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING - DUSK

Coltrane’s I’M OLD FASHIONED bops on the car stereo.

Haven drives. Jett looks out the window, lost in thought.

JETT

(reading a sign)

We’ll be in Long Beach soon.

The song ends.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

That was John Coltrane, and I’m Old Fashioned.

Guess I’m kinda old fashioned, too --

(beat)

I was just handed a special bulletin from our news department.

Police have issued arrest warrants for Haven Crayce and Jett Targo

in connection with three murders in Marina Del Rey.

Both women are in their mid-twenties,

and were last seen in a red 1968 Cadillac convertible.

If you see these women,

please contact your local police precinct immediately.

(beat)

Well, now, if I was a fugitive from the law,

I can’t think of a better ride than a classic Caddy.

This next one’s dedicated to you. A little Miles. SO WHAT.

Miles Davis’ trumpet mourns softly.

JETT

Pull off the road at the next exit.

HAVEN

Why?

JETT

Because we gotta get a NEW CAR.

HAVEN

We’re gonna buy a new car?

JETT

Hell, no -- we’re gonna STEAL ONE.

A SIGN READS

Seal Beach. 15 miles.

JETT (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Turn here. This is perfect.

EXT. MAIN STREET - SUNSET

They drive toward the beach,

a gorgeous sunset ahead of them in the sky above the ocean.

JETT

I haven’t been here in years.

HAVEN

You’ve been here before?

JETT

Yeah, a lifetime ago.

(beat)

Turn right here. I got an idea.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER

The sun has almost set. The car pulls into a trailer park.

An old, wooden sign reads SEAL BEACH ESTATES.

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING

The car inches by a row of mobile homes.

JETT

Pull up to the end and park.

Haven does. Stops the car.

HAVEN

So what now?

JETT

Well, I’m thinking that someone who lives here,

no matter what they drive,

they’re not gonna mind trading it for a vintage Caddy,

keys in the ignition, all wrapped up in a nice, big bow.

HAVEN

Ooh. You are GOOD.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER

Jett sits behind the wheel of an old Ford pickup truck,

playing with the wires under the steering wheel column.

They SPARK. The engine ROARS to life.

JETT

Like riding a bicycle.

The barrel of a SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN

is placed against Jett’s temple.

A GIANT REDNECK leans into the window. Sneers.

GIANT REDNECK

What the fuck do you think YOU’RE DOING?

Get the fuck outta MY TRUCK.

JETT

Easy now.

Jett opens the door. Slides out. Starts to raise her hands --

GIANT REDNECK

What I don’t get is why you’d wanna steal this piece-a crap.

And WHIPS OUT her REVOLVER. JAMS it in his crotch.

JETT

We’re swapping rides, big fella. Gotta problem with that?

(CLICK)

See that Cadillac over there?

The redneck looks at the Caddy.

GIANT REDNECK

You wanna trade my truck for the CADDY?

Are you fuckin’ CRAZY?

JETT

Something like that.

(nods)

Go ahead, check ‘er out. Keys are in the ignition.

Redneck breaks into a big ‘ol rotten-toothed grin.

GIANT REDNECK

Take your piece outta my pants,

and you got yourself a deal.