Monday, September 28, 2009

Take Your Piece Out Of My Pants

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Feeling beaten down by life? Trudging through a meaningless, 9-to-5 existence? Then why not get your hardboiled/pulp/noir groove on, and get your ass over to the darkest place in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from A DISH BEST KILLED, where things are spiraling downward into an inevitable, horrific conclusion for our murderous, star-crossed lovebirds, D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and corn-fed, musclebound Jett Targo, as they make their getaway in a classic, vintage Cadillac convertible ...


INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING - DUSK
Coltrane’s I’M OLD FASHIONED bops on the car stereo.
Haven drives. Jett looks out the window, lost in thought.

JETT
(reading a sign)
We’ll be in Long Beach soon.

The song ends.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That was John Coltrane, and I’m Old Fashioned.
Guess I’m kinda old fashioned, too --
(beat)
I was just handed a special bulletin from our news department.
Police have issued arrest warrants for Haven Crayce and Jett Targo
in connection with three murders in Marina Del Rey.
Both women are in their mid-twenties,
and were last seen in a red 1968 Cadillac convertible.
If you see these women,
please contact your local police precinct immediately.
(beat)
Well, now, if I was a fugitive from the law,
I can’t think of a better ride than a classic Caddy.
This next one’s dedicated to you. A little Miles. SO WHAT.

Miles Davis’ trumpet mourns softly.

JETT
Pull off the road at the next exit.

HAVEN
Why?

JETT
Because we gotta get a NEW CAR.

HAVEN
We’re gonna buy a new car?

JETT
Hell, no -- we’re gonna STEAL ONE.

A SIGN READS
Seal Beach. 15 miles.

JETT (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Turn here. This is perfect.

EXT. MAIN STREET - SUNSET
They drive toward the beach,
a gorgeous sunset ahead of them in the sky above the ocean.

JETT
I haven’t been here in years.

HAVEN
You’ve been here before?

JETT
Yeah, a lifetime ago.
(beat)
Turn right here. I got an idea.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER
The sun has almost set. The car pulls into a trailer park.
An old, wooden sign reads SEAL BEACH ESTATES.

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING
The car inches by a row of mobile homes.

JETT
Pull up to the end and park.

Haven does. Stops the car.

HAVEN
So what now?

JETT
Well, I’m thinking that someone who lives here,
no matter what they drive,
they’re not gonna mind trading it for a vintage Caddy,
keys in the ignition, all wrapped up in a nice, big bow.

HAVEN
Ooh. You are GOOD.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER
Jett sits behind the wheel of an old Ford pickup truck,
playing with the wires under the steering wheel column.
They SPARK. The engine ROARS to life.

JETT
Like riding a bicycle.

The barrel of a SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN
is placed against Jett’s temple.
A GIANT REDNECK leans into the window. Sneers.

GIANT REDNECK
What the fuck do you think YOU’RE DOING?
Get the fuck outta MY TRUCK.

JETT
Easy now.

Jett opens the door. Slides out. Starts to raise her hands --

GIANT REDNECK
What I don’t get is why you’d wanna steal this piece-a crap.

And WHIPS OUT her REVOLVER. JAMS it in his crotch.

JETT
We’re swapping rides, big fella. Gotta problem with that?
(CLICK)
See that Cadillac over there?

The redneck looks at the Caddy.

GIANT REDNECK
You wanna trade my truck for the CADDY?
Are you fuckin’ CRAZY?

JETT
Something like that.
(nods)
Go ahead, check ‘er out. Keys are in the ignition.

Redneck breaks into a big ‘ol rotten-toothed grin.

GIANT REDNECK
Take your piece outta my pants,
and you got yourself a deal.

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