It's Tuesday, crime fiends. Do you know where your children are? Your parents? Your boss? Your spouse? Hell, your DOG? Well, guess what ... they're all right here, getting their daily dose of hardboiled action ... at That Killing Feeling.Onto today's rip-roaring episode of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, and this one's a real doozy. Because, you see, the media has gotten ahold of the story and is having a field day ...
First up, disgraced cop Carrie Love appears on 'Elena', live from her hospital bed ...
While Howard and Kelly appear on 'Barry Bing Live' ... with a big announcement.
While Jimmy Joe Jack gets ambused by an AZT 'news' crew.
(And yes, the similarities to certain media figures is intentional.)
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
It’s the ELENA! talk show. The set faces a CHEERING CROWD.
At the apron of the stage stands ELENA (40’s), the star.
African American. Rotund. Puffy. Beaming. Self-possessed.
ELENA
Hel-lo! Thank you all for coming!
The crowd GOES NUTS.
ELENA (CONT’D)
We have a special surprise for you today.
Live, via remote, from Our Lady of Water Retention in Los Angeles --
Carrie Love!
The audience goes INSANE.
CARRIE’S FACE
appears on a large monitor stage left.
She’s lying in a hospital bed.
She looks fine. Great, in fact. But puzzled.
ELENA (CONT’D)
Carrie! Hi, it’s Elena! How are you feeling?
CARRIE
Elena?
ELENA
That’s right!
CARRIE
My agent said I was gonna be on ‘America’s Top Bounty Hunter.’
ELENA
No, you’re here with ME, Elena!
And we’re live, in front of a studio audience.
Oh, gosh -- this is so EXCITING.
How are you feeling? You look great.
It’s a miracle, after the ordeal you’ve been through --
Carrie picks up her cell phone.
Furiously PUNCHES a number.
CARRIE
Lenny, it’s Carrie. Why am I on ELENA?
(listens)
No, no, no -- I said I’d THINK about it.
What about Bounty Hunter?
(listens)
Well, hell -- I’m on so many fucking painkillers
I make Andy Dick look like Dakota Fanning --
(listens)
But I HATE Elena!
She’s a phony, pompous, bloated,
sanctimonious tub of BULLSHIT.
ELENA
(waves her arms)
CUT, CUT, CUT!
The screen goes BLACK.
A SMIRKING WOMAN
cradles a feminine hygiene product.
SMIRKING WOMAN
I feel fresh. Smell fresh --
(beat)
And my husband says I taste fresh.
INT. TV STUDIO - BARRY BING LIVE - ON ANOTHER CHANNEL
BARRY BING (70’s), pale, crusty, lizard-like, sits at his desk.
Squints into the camera. Beady eyes flicker behind monstrous glasses.
BARRY
Good evening, and welcome to Barry Bing Live.
In our studio tonight, we have two members
of the press who were there at the front lines,
up close and personal, during the Siege on White Line Pictures.
(sickly smile)
Evenin’, fellas --
CAMERA widens to reveal --
KELLY KLAVAN and HOWARD JONES sitting across from him.
KELLY
Hi, there.
HOWARD
Barry.
BARRY
(nods at Howard)
Howard Jones is the cameraman who was shooting footage
for Crime Time News. And lived to tell about it.
HOWARD
Actually, Barry -- I’m a lighting technician.
And the real crew didn’t go in,
as our cameraman passed out after climbing
six floors on an empty stomach.
Carrie Love took his place, along with Kelly here.
BARRY
(looks at his notes)
That’s right, that’s right --
(squints at Kelly, nods)
Also here tonight is Kelly Klavan,
who aided and abetted rogue homicide detective Carrie Love.
KELLY
That’s true, but I didn’t know she was suspended.
I thought I was acting as a concerned citizen.
BARRY
(glares)
Uh-huh, uh-huh --
(beat)
So, uh -- how are you doing now?
Are either of you experiencing any --
post-traumatic stress disorder?
HOWARD
Oh, gosh, no. I think it’s safe to say that it was --
(smiles at Kelly)
The most important day in my life.
KELLY
We’re getting married!
Barry fidgets. Uncomfortable. Face reddens.
BARRY
I see --
KELLY
It’s legal now in Vermont. We’re so excited!
HOWARD
Why the pained look, Barry?
You’ve been married what, eight times?
KELLY
Maybe it’s gas.
(pulls out a pill bottle, shakes one out)
Here, take one of these. They work like magic.
Barry looks into the CAMERA. Glowers.
BARRY
We’ll be back in a moment.
But first, a word from our sponsor, GARLIQUE.
EXT. THE PALM - FRONT ENTRANCE - AT THAT MOMENT
Jimmy Jack comes out of the restaurant. Hands his ticket to the valet.
Pulls out his Blackberry. Checks his email.
His HULKING ATTORNEY (30’S) comes out.
Lights up a smoke.
HULKING ATTORNEY
Remember. Say nothing. You had a lapse of reason.
Weren’t right in the head. If the media gets wind of this --
(beat)
What’s that called? Baron von Munchhausen Syndrome?
JIMMY JOE
(punching buttons)
Fucking spam’s givin’ me a syndrome.
(beat)
No, that’s the Terry Gilliam film.
An AZT CREW appears.
LIVELY MANN, (20’s) blonde,
Carson Cressley on speed,
SHOVES a mike in Jimmy’s face.
Camera WHIRS.
Photographers CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK.
LIVELY
Jimmy Jack, Lively Mann, AZT.
Would you like to make a statement
about your fling with notorious outlaw Friday Foster?
JIMMY JOE
Get the FUCK outta my face before I rip yer fuckin’ HEAD OFF.
HULKING ATTORNEY
Watch yourself --
LIVELY
Jimmy Joe, chill.
Didn’t you know that TG is the new bi?
Arrianna Huffington is calling it tranny chic.
Rumor has it they even have their own mafia --
JIMMY JOE
Rumor has it you’re a dead queer if you don’t shut the fuck up.
HULKING ATTORNEY
JIMMY JOE.
(to Lively)
We have no comment.
LIVELY
No comment on this juicy story, Jimmy Joe?
We’ve got you on tape kissing Friday.
You have a thing for her?
JIMMY JOE
A THING? You wanna see a THING?
He pulls out his GUN. Aims it at Lively.
JIMMY JOE (CONT’D)
This interview is OVER.
(points it at Lively’s crotch)
Unless you’d like a little gender reassignment --
LIVELY
(screeches, to the crew)
Okay, that’s it! Get in the van, NOW.
They scramble away. Get in their SUV. GUN the engine.
LIVELY (CONT'D)
Asshole! You’re gonna hear from my LAWYER.
HULKING ATTORNEY
(GRABS Jimmy’s gun)
Gimme that fucking thing. Jesus Christ.
You wanna get arrested again?
I already fucking bailed you out once today.
Pause.
JIMMY JOE
What the fuck. Let’s go get some whores.
HULKING ATTORNEY
NOW you’re talking.
That’s the Jimmy Joe I know and love --
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