Fucking Nosy Midget

Monday, Monday ... so bad to me. Havin' a hard time getting back into the grind? Well, then why not grind your way over the coolest hardboiled-noir crime joint in town ... where the chicks are cool, and the blood is warm ... over at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's scene from A DISH BEST KILLED, and you better get ready, cause this one gets real NASTY ... when D-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover/'personal' trainer Jett Targo ...

Murder her husband.

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Buster comes BOUNDING in. Followed by Haven. Then Jett.

HAVEN

That’s what I’m telling you. Listen --

We hear low, ANGUISHED MOANING from upstairs.

JETT

What’s happening to him?

HAVEN

His body is screaming out for insulin,

but he’s not getting any,

so his blood sugar is plummeting.

He’s having seizures. Bad ones.

JETT

How long -- will it take for him to --

HAVEN

A couple hours. Maybe more. I dunno.

(beat)

They didn’t teach us about this at the nursing academy.

JETT

What if you gave him a shot of insulin?

Make it look like you tried to save him?

What would happen?

HAVEN

If it’s in time, it would save his life.

(beat)

So how do I explain not helping him?

JETT

You went to sleep in the guest bedroom.

You weren’t feeling well --

HAVEN

But I can fucking HEAR him.

JETT

Not if you sleep with earplugs. I do.

Another MOAN. This time, LOUDER.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)

Hello, is anybody home?

In walks NOLA. More than a few sheets to the wind.

HAVEN

Nola, what are you doing here?

Another MOAN.

NOLA

What the fuck am I DOING HERE?

Your husband sounds like he’s DYING up there.

HAVEN

He’s fine, it’s a new medication --

JETT

We’ve got it handled.

Nola stares. Quivering with anger.

NOLA

I know what’s going on between you too.

I’ve seen you fucking and sucking like monkeys in the zoo.

HAVEN

You fucking BITCH --

JETT

Haven --

NOLA

And now you’re trying to KILL him, for what?

The INSURANCE MONEY?

Well, I’ve SEEN THAT MOVIE,

and you’re NOT getting AWAY with it.

She pulls out her cell phone. Jett races over, GRABS it.

Nola starts POUNDING on her chest with tiny fists.

NOLA (CONT’D)

No, STOP! Give that BACK! Give that BACK!

JETT

Quiet, please! Let me explain!

NOLA

No! I’m gonna call the COPS!

JETT

(sees something)

Haven, NO!

HAVEN

stands behind Nola.

Bends down, and SHOVES a BUTCHER KNIFE in Nola’s back.

The little demon SCREAMS in pain.

NOLA

You STABBED ME! Fucking BITCH!

HAVEN

FUCK YOU! Fucking MIDGET!

Incensed, in shock,

Nola turns and ATTACKS Haven like a wild animal,

BITING, KICKING, SCRATCHING.

Haven tries to fight back,

but she’s no match against the tiny terror.

NOLA

I’m gonna fucking KILL YOU!

HAVEN

No, STOP!

JETT

Leave HER ALONE!

Jett GRABS Nola. THROWS her across the room.

She HITS the wall with a sickening THWUMP.

BANGS onto the floor. Lights out.

A pool of BLOOD starts spreading.

HAVEN

Fucking nosy MIDGET.

JETT

(reels back, in shock)

What have I done?

Another, louder MOAN from upstairs.

HAVEN

NOW what are we gonna do?

JETT

You go upstairs and shut him the fuck up,

and I’ll care of -- the body.

HAVEN

But what am I supposed to --

JETT

I don’t know.

But we got to buy us some time, so I can --

(gestures at Nola)

Get rid of -- that.

Pause.

HAVEN

Wait a minute. Listen. Do you hear that?

JETT

Hear what? I don’t hear anything.

HAVEN

Exactly. He stopped --

They RACE up the stairs into --

DART’S BEDROOM

which is empty.

HAVEN (CONT’D)

What the fuck? Where did he --

JETT

(sees, points)

There he is. Out on the deck.

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS

Dart stands at the railing. Bent over.

DART

Somebody -- HELP --

HAVEN

Dart, honey. What are you doing out here?

You’ll catch your death of cold.

She starts to walk toward him, but he freaks out.

DART

No -- you -- stay away -- away --

And, as he tries to move away from her,

he lurches backward, loses his footing, slips,

and FALLS OVER --

And HITS the inky black water with a SPLASH.

HAVEN

SHIT.

JETT

We’ve just been FUCKED.

HAVEN

What do we do NOW?

JETT

We gotta take care of -- the body.

They RACE downstairs. Jett looks around.

Sees her gym bag. Empties it out.

Goes over to Nola’s dead body.

Stuffs her in the bag.

Uses the gym clothes to sop up the blood.

JETT (CONT’D)

You COULD help me out here --

HAVEN

Blood makes me -- freak out.

(looks around)

Wait a minute. Where’s Buster?

JETT

He must have run away.

We’ll look for him later.

HAVEN

Don’t bother. He was Dart’s dog.

Drove me fucking crazy.

Jett stuffs the bloody clothes in the bag.

Goes to the sink. Washes her hands.

Looks back at Haven.

JETT

As soon as I’m out the door, call 911.

Tell them as much of the truth as you can.

He had an attack.

You didn’t hear it because you were sleeping.

HAVEN

I’ve got it. I was listening to my Ipod.

JETT

Even better. Then, you went to check on him,

and he was out on the deck.

HAVEN

And he -- and he --

JETT

Got startled when you called out to him.

HAVEN

That’ll work.

JETT

It’ll have to work.

Jett dries off her hands. Goes to Haven. Kisses her.

JETT (CONT'D)

I love you more than --

HAVEN

Enough to kill?

PUSH IN ON Jett. Hugging Haven for dear life.

JETT

Straight down the line, baby.

(beat)

Straight down the line.