The Energizer Pussy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, Episode 3, things heat up on the set when porn star Laura Lang tries to use an electronic dildo on her cooch. Meanwhile, white trash kidnappers Darryl, Wendy and Denny are in over their head when they try to silence their surly victim, Kitty Keko ...


INT. PORN SET - DAY
A real soundstage. A surprisingly good set
which looks like a space ship.

This is a porno with a budget.
Laura lies on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic, rubber and vinyl.

KLAUS
Take number four and five
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
You want it brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.

LAURA
Can we get started?
This costume is as cold and clammy
as Joan Rivers' cooch.

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to the sound man)
Give me some MUSIC.

SOUND MAN (O.S.)
The hills are alive, mein fuhrer.

Some obscure 80’s Euro-synth-pop song
starts playing, LOUD.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my RIDING CROP.
(to a PA)
The DRY ICE.
Start the DRY ICE.

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist. Klaus smiles.

Hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps,
this one controls the watts --
and this one is for
the frequency modulation.

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks.
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes.
She’s ANGRY.
That HURTS.
But it feels so GOOD.
(throws up his arms)
Speed. Camera.
And -- ACTION.

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Tiny. Cramped.
Clothing strewn everywhere.
Empty pizza boxes. Beer cans.

KITTY KEKO (60’s), surprisingly attractive,
if a bit puffy --
lies on the bed staring at her captors,
wrists tied to the bed posts.

Darryl holds a gun on her.
Wendy’s behind him in the doorway.

Denny angrily picks up
his clothes from the floor.
Puts them in a laundry basket.

DENNY
This is stupid.
I don’t see why I have to --

DARRYL
Shut up, Denny.
Kitty is our guest,
and I want her to be
as comfortable as possible.

KITTY
My son is gonna fucking kill you,
you little shit.

DARRYL
Now is that any way to talk
to your host?

KITTY
Fuck you, trailer trash.
You’re not going to get away this.
Eat shit and DIE.

DARRYL
Such language for an old lady.
(turns, to Wendy)
I tried being nice, right?

WENDY
Yeah.

DARRYL
Denny, shove a sock
in her mouth, will ya?

Denny grins.
Picks a stained old sock
up off the floor.

KITTY
NO, PLEASE.

He comes over to her.
Holds it up.

Smells it.
Makes a face.

DENNY
Mmm.
Nice and ripe --
(makes a jerking off motion)
And crunchy.

KITTY
No, please.
I’ll be quiet.
I promise.

DARRYL
Hurry up.
Stop fucking around.

Denny starts to stuff
the sock in her mouth,
and Kitty KNEES him
in the groin, HARD.

Denny REELS BACK,
CRIES OUT in pain.

DARRYL
Fucking BITCH.

He RUSHES over,
PISTOL-WHIPS her, CRACK.

She goes out like a light.
A big GASH on her temple
starts bleeding.

DARRYL
That’ll teach you
to hurt my brother.

Denny sits on the floor,
rocking back and forth,
holding his nuts.

Eyes glassy.
Face red.

DARRYL
Are you okay?

DENNY
NO.

WENDY
I’ll go get a bandage.
(looks at Denny)
And some ice --

She leaves.
Denny looks at Darryl.
Eyes pleading.

DENNY
You gotta make her PAY.

Darryl starts unbuckling his belt.
Unzipping his fly.

DARRYL
Oh, I’m gonna make her pay, alright.
(beat)
The HARD way --