In The Bowel Of The Beast

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of LEGS, Episode 3, retired cop Basil Keko's irritable bowel syndrome gets the best of him when he races to the bathroom, only to find officers Megan Paul and Ilona Ramirez making out, but when the kidnappers finally call, the shit literally hits the fan ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil sits on the couch,
staring at the phone.

Then looks at the entrance
to the kitchen.

BASIL
Wonder what they’re doing?

His eyes screw up, in pain.
Holds his stomach. Winces.

BASIL
Oh, shit.
Not again.

He JUMPS up,
RACES out of the room.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Basil RUNS to the bathroom door.
YANKS it open, RACES in --

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
Sees the girls making out,
Meg’s ass on the sink,
Ilona’s hands all over her.

A rod POPS in his crotch.
He CRIES OUT.

A wet stain starts forming.
He SHITS his pants.

The girls hear it.
Turn. Stare.

Then smell it.
Ilona makes a face.

ILONA
Jesus fucking CHRIST.

MEG
Mr. Keko?
Are you okay?

Basil’s jaw drops.
He PLOPS down on the closed toilet.

Puts his head in his hands.
Unbelievably embarrassed.

BASIL
(quietly)
Could you please leave me alone?

MEG
Yeah, sure.
Of course.
Do you wanna take a shower?

BASIL
Yeah.
Thanks.

MEG
If you want,
I could wash your pants,
give you a robe to wear.

BASIL
That would be -- very nice.

The phone RINGS in the other room.
They all JERK their heads
in that direction.

MEG
It’s HIM.

BASIL
Go ANSWER it --

INT. MEG’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Meg sits on the couch,
holding the receiver.
Ilona watches.

MEG
I’m sorry, but Mr. Keko is --
in the bathroom right now.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl paces back and forth,
on the phone.

Wendy and Denny watch him
from the couch worriedly.

DARRYL
Who the fuck are YOU?

MEG
Cleaning lady.

She looks at Ilona,
makes a ‘what should I do’ face?
Ilona pantomimes taking a message.

DARRYL
Oh.

MEG
Can I take a message?

DARRYL
No. I’ll call back.
(under his breath)
Fuck.

MEG
Can I tell him who called?

He hangs up.
Looks at Wendy and Denny.

WENDY
What happened?

DARRYL
His cleaning lady.
Said he was in the bathroom.

DENNY
Maybe he’s taking a SHIT.