Friday, September 22, 2017

The Land Of Celluloid Dreams


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 40 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty prepares for her big 'night on the town.' Meanwhile, homicide detective Carrie Love gets ready for her date with destiny ... with Sparkle.


INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle stands in front of the tiny
mirror in her tiny bathroom.

A vision in dayglow fuschia battle fatigues.
Giant pink ten-inch moon-boot platforms.

Centerfold makeup, fake lashes.
Some kinda Spice Girl on acid
from 'Taxi Driver' hell.

She pours a shot of
Jaegermeister, raises it.

SPARKLE
You’re very good.
(downs it)
Come on, ma!
I’m trying to do my thing down here.
I got a big show to get ready for.
(beat)
Alright, I’ll turn it down.

She BURSTS into hysterical laughter.
Opens the medicine cabinet,
takes out a bottle.

Shakes out a handful of pills.
GULP. Pours another glass.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
What’s so fuckin’ funny? Huh?
What’s so fuckin’ funny about me?
What -- do I make you laugh, huh?
Do I a-muse yoo? What am I,
some sorta clown?
Make you fuckin’ laugh? What.
What’s so fuckin’ funny about -- me.

The psychette GIGGLES.
Then remembers something.

Takes a red Bozo nose
out of her pocket. Pops it on.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
(at her reflection)
But Mommy, I don’t want
to go the circus,
the clowns are scary.
They make me cry.

She GRABS a set of hair clippers,
FLICKS it on -- BUZZZZZ.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
Well, then -- take me to the big top.

And starts shaving the side of head,
long, beautiful blonde hair cascading
in waves, floating like feathers --

SPARKLE
scrapes off foam with
a pink razor, revealing --
A big, beautiful blonde mohawk.

IN THE MIRROR
SPARKLE
You talkin’ to me?
You -- talkin to me ?
(beat)
Me? You talkin’ to -- me?
(raises gun, sticks it in her mouth)
‘Cauhz tha no-uhn elth heah.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - PAWN SHOP - DUSK

CARRIE (V.O.)
You know Hollywood is actually
a pretty shitty part of town.

A crappy, bile-green 1970
Dodge Dart Swinger pulls up, parks.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s nothing but pawn shops,
guitar shacks, tourist shit, strip joints,
star maps, sleazy bars, street trash
and hustlers of indeterminate gender.

Sparkle gets out.
Locks the car. Looks around.

No one notices, no one looks.
She blends.

CARRIE (V.O.)
A far cry from 'the
land of celluloid dreams.'

We follow the young woman
marching down the sidewalk.
No one looks at her twice.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Not only is it a mecca for the
sea of humanity yearning to be famous --
it’s also a vicious black hole of hell,
sucking in a staggering array of psychotic,
self esteem-challenged social misfits,
driven by rage, sin -- and a
pathetic desire to be famous.
(beat)
Almost none of them make it, of course.
So the town is strewn with the litter
of faded dreams, broken hearts,
and a hell of alotta whores.

Sparkle reaches a store.
An old, original facade.

THE BARGAIN CLOWN MART.
She smiles devilishly.

SPARKLE
Well, alrighty then.
Let’s check out
what’s under the big top --


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Love Will Tear Us Apart


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty reveals why she's obsessed with formerly maried homicide cops Carrie Love and Bernie Keko ...


EXT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
A little red store on Santa Monica
Boulevard with apartments above.

A TRASHY HOOKER walks by,
stumbles in her platforms.

CAMERA PANS UP, focuses
on a window, ZOOMS INTO --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A tiny room in a child-like
explosion of clutter.

Movie posters and photos cover the walls.
AMERICAN PSYCHO. HEATHERS. CARRIE.
RE-ANIMATOR. LOVE STORY.

Head shots of Karen Black. Crispin Glover.
DeNiro in TAXI DRIVER. Bugs Bunny.

Sparkle sits at her Sears workstation.
Works a pink I-Mac, clack-clacks on the keyboard.

SPARKLE
Download this, hot stuff.
Gig me on a gaga-byte.

CLOSE ON --
The bulletin board behind the computer.
Covered in news clippings.

FEMME DETECTIVE FOULS OUT,
with a glam shot of Carrie.

GOLDEN COP COUPLE HITS THE SKIDS,
with a photo of Bernie and Carrie
getting a medal from the Mayor.

HOLLYWOOD HACK BOILED LIKE TURNIP.
VIDEO CLERK HUMAN PIN-CUSHION ON VINE.

TRUST FUND FILLY FILLETED.
TEN-PERCENTER POPPED IN TREACHEROUS TRYST.

SPARKLE
goes to the stereo. Puts on CD.
The sunshiny, super-pop of A-Ha’s
THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV starts --

And, in her own little private disco,
she dances to the music with complete abandon,
lost in the sugary synthesizers.

SPARKLE
(sings along)
Hold me -- believe in me -- touch me --
the sun always shines on T.V. --

Sparkle strikes a pose --
somewhere between Travolta in
'Saturday Night Fever' and
the Olsen twins on ecstasy.

SPARKLE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was destiny. Fate.
The Gods pulled up my skirt
and gave it to me good.
I had a vision. A mission.
A poison pen pal from hell. I
realized that Carrie Love
and Bernie Keko were the
parents I could never have.
(beat)
I knew it the minute
they walked in the store --
and into my heart.
All of a sudden it became like,
so clear what I needed to do.
I had to bring them together again.
(beat)
So I could tear them apart.

Monday, September 18, 2017

To The End of The World


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love rescues her lover, porn star Laura Lang, from a porn shoot where her private parts almost got electrocuted ... and then later that night, while recovering in her hot tub is stunned to discover that Laura plans on returning to the set the next day ...


EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
A small bunker in the shadows
of the wrong side of the 101.

Carrie pulls in, parks amidst
a handful of shitty cars.
And a big, black BMW SUV.

INT. CARRIE’S CAR - NIGHT
She downs the last of her
grande with triple espresso.

Shudders. Gets out of the car.
Throws the cup at the SUV.

INT. WAREHOUSE - SOUNDSTAGE GREEN ROOM - NIGHT
Laura is curled up in a ball
on a couch in a dark corner
wrapped like a wraith
in a white sheet.

Pale. Small. Damaged.
Carrie rushes in, goes to her.

CARRIE
Baby, there you are --
are you okay? Are you okay?

She wraps her arms
around the wounded bird.

LAURA
I don’t feel so good, Care.
That -- bloody machine.

CARRIE
I’m so sorry, baby,
I’m so sorry.
C’mon, I’m taking you home.

With surprising strength,
Carrie picks her up, cradles her.

LAURA
You carry me --
across the threshold?

CARRIE
I’ll carry you to
the end of the world.

EXT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - BACK PATIO - NIGHT
Carrie and Laura soak
in Carrie’s hot tub.
Steam rises off the water,
their shoulders.

Behind them, a perfect full moon
lights the sky, the ocean, their faces.

LAURA
This is so good.
Every bone in my body
is bleedin’ thrashed.

CARRIE
(goes to her, holds her)
You’re okay now, no more evil
German directors flipping
the switch on my baby.

They kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. At least not until tomorrow.

CARRIE
It must be the full moon.
I thought I just heard you say
you’re going back there.

LAURA
I have to -- or else
I won’t get paid, love.

CARRIE
You gotta be kidding.
Don’t worry about the money --
(beat)
Move in with me for a while.

LAURA
Move in with you? Shack up?

CARRIE
Just for a little while.
We can try it out.
And you can maybe --
go back to being a stylist.
You always say how much you
loved it back in London.

Pause.

LAURA
That was up until my lover,
my business partner fucking
O-D’d on me and
fuckin’ killed himself!
How fucking dodgy.
Of all the -- I thought you were --
I mean, you’ve slept with
half the girls I work with --
and you now live up
to the bloody cliche?
You’re just like all
the other civilians!

Laura gets out of the tub.
Naked in the moonlight.
Steam rises off her perfect body.

CARRIE
Wait -- DON’T GO!

LAURA
Thanks for the tub.
I feel really good
all of a sudden.
Like a weight’s been
taken off my shoulders.

She darts over to the door, goes in.
Carrie sits. In shock.

CARRIE
Holy shit.

Carrie jumps out, grabs a towel,
races to the door --
to discover it’s been locked.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
The bitch. She wouldn’t.

EXT. HOUSE - CARRIE’S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Carrie jiggles the doorknob.
POUNDS on the door.

CARRIE
Laura! Let me in!

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Whoa. Let me guess.
Lesbian drama?

Carrie wheels around to face --

A uniformed PRIVATE SECURITY GUARD.

SECURITY GUARD
Know the feeling.
Wife left me couple years
ago -- for her gyno.
(beat)
Nice towel.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Good Girls


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 37 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, after having a few cocktails at her favorite dive bar, homicide detective Carrie Love gets an emergency call from her girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang, in trouble at an adult film shoot ...


EXT. BAR - NIGHT
The Gas Lite, a crappy
Santa Monica dive.

The sound of a sloppy bar band
spills out from within.

A ponytailed BIKER BOUNCER
stands out front, smokes.

Two pretty COLLEGE GIRLS approach
him, huddle in the cold.

BIKER BOUNCER
(toothy grin)
ID, please.

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL
(takes out license)
Hi. Is there a band tonight?

BIKER BOUNCER
Yeah, The Chollos. Blues band.

The door FLIES OPEN, and out
stumbles Carrie. Obliterated.

CARRIE
(to the bouncer)
G’night, Eddie.

Eddie tips his cap,
checks out her legs.

Carrie swerves, looks at
the fresh-faced young flesh.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Whoa. Hi. Let me guess -- UCLA?

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL
(not shy)
Loyola Marymount.

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL 2
We’re good girls.

CARRIE
(devouring with her eyes)
That’s a shame.

PRETTY COLLEGE GIRL
C’mon, Debbie -- I’m cold.

They giggle, rush inside.
Carrie stops, stares at the door.

EDDIE
You okay?

CARRIE
Yeah. Just thinking about
the combination of drugs it’d take
to get those two in the sack.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel
of her monster ‘68 Olds.
Fumbles for a cigarette.
Her cell bleats.
She fishes it out, listens.

CARRIE
Laura? Slow down, slow down --
what’s the matter?
(listens, horrified)
Hold tight, I’ll be right there.
(listens)
It’s okay, it’s okay,
it’s gonna be okay.
I’ll be right there,
just hold on.

Click. The line goes dead.

CARRIE
Goddamn fucking Frankenstein --

Monday, September 11, 2017

The Game


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, after having more than a few cocktails, homicide detective Carrie Love heads to the shooting range to blow off a little steam ...


INT. BEVERLY HILLS GUN CLUB - FIRING RANGE - NIGHT
Rows of stalls with targets,
too brightly lit. Empty.

Except for Carrie.

Messy drunk in a slip
of a cocktail dress, heels, shades --

And a gleaming 357 Magnum
out of a Guy Ritchie wet dream.

She lowers her sunglasses.
Scratches an itch in her eye.
We see she’s been crying.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s easier to see after
you’ve had a few cocktails.

She slides them back up.
Takes aim. And --

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

THE TARGET
A ‘Smiley face’ smack
dab on the figure’s head.

ANGRY HISPANIC OWNER (O.S.)
Hey, you!
Breakfast at Tiffany’s!
You better put dat thing down
before I call da cops!

CARRIE
stops, turns --

CARRIE
I am a fucking cop!

And swings her weapon toward him.
He raises a sawed-off shotgun.
Click-click.

ANGRY HISPANIC OWNER
That’ll be the last move
you ever make, lady.

Carrie lowers her weapon.
Whips off her shades.

ANGRY HISPANIC OWNER (CONT’D)
Oh, hi Carrie --
I didn’t recognize you.
You clean up good.

CARRIE
Thanks, Enrique.
I’ll be done a few minutes. ‘Kay?

ENRIQUE
(big smile)
You got it, Legs.

He bows, leaves.
She takes out more bullets, reloads.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My life has become
a trashy cult film.
I have more death, betrayal,
seedy glamour and
sexual situations
in my life than any
ten women in this town.
(beat)
And this is Los Angeles.
(beat)
The only place on earth
where you fall in love --
and your partner thinks
she’s taking a meeting.
But you still fall,
and you fall so hard,
it makes you lose all sense of
judgment, morals, self-esteem --
and any desire to play the
game of life by the rules.

She slowly SPINS AROUND --
aims up, up, and --

ANGLE ON --
A row of ceiling lights.

Bullets hit them, one by one.
POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Bits And Pieces


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty cuts up the body of the Hollywood industry hack she just murdered, while giving us her review of the film American Psycho ...


INT. MOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DUSK
Sparkle stands naked over
the body in the bath tub.

She’s covered in blood.
Cutting up the body.

CAMERA stays on her
as she leans over,
saws off pieces.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
AMERICAN PSYCHO was widely
misunderstood by the critics.
But then, who could blame them?
The book it was based on
was a misogynistic piece
of yuppie masturbatory crap.

She raises up an arm.
Salutes it.

Tosses it in a garbage bag.
Returns to her work.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
The film is actually a black comedy --
a satire of the go-go
Reagan eighties in Manhattan.
It almost derailed when
Leo DiCaprio came on board,
causing the low-budget indie
to bloat overnight into a
fifty-million-dollar mega-production.
Thank god for Leo’s handlers,
because he ended up
getting cold feet.

She raises up a leg.
Makes a face.

Chucks it in the bag.
Grabs the saw. Continues.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
As fun as it is, this flick
didn’t completely satisfy this critic.
I mean, there’s no point
to Jason Bateman’s killing, is there?
He’s just a psycho --
there’s no story, no plot, per se.
It’s completely random.
It’s hilarious, sure, but it’s
the cinematic equivalent of a Happy Meal --
goes down fast, but devoid
of any creative nutrition.

Sparkle saws harder.
This one’s tough.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
This installation -- this piece --
this reinterpretation is the
stuff of real meaning. Of truth.
A commentary on the banalities
of the modern mating ritual.
It is my intention to desconstruct
and then reinvent the American family.
Show the world that you
don’t have to be a victim.
That you can create your own
family, control your own destiny --

The killer cutie finishes. Smiles.
Raises up the Industry Hack’s head --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
And make your own fucking movie.

And kisses him on the mouth.


Friday, September 1, 2017

The Energizer Pussy


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, porn star Laura Lang gets an electro-shock in her privates on the set of her latest film. Meanwhile, under-aged serial killer claims her next victim, a film industry development executive ...


INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set.

This is a porno with a budget.
Production value. A CREW.

Laura is on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic and vinyl.

Bored look covering her dread.
Her creeping panic.

KLAUS
Take number 4 and 5 up
a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
Brighter? More brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.
(mutters to himself)
Non-union idiot.

LAURA
What are you, taking
a fucking light reading?

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to a tech)
Let’s try the music.
Check the levels.

TECH (O.S.)
Scary gothic Nazi tunes
coming right up.

The soaring, over-the-top
stormtrooper-in-love sound of
Ultravox’s LOVE’S GREAT ADVENTURE
blasts at full-volume.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my fucken T-shirt.
(to a PA)
The dry ice! Start the dry ice!

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.

Klaus hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS (CONT'D)
This one controls the amps --
this one for the watts -- this,
for the frequency modulation --

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy just
keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks!
(beat)
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes! She’s angry! That hurts!
But it feels so good!
Ach de lieber -- mein chubby!
(throws up his arms)
Speed! Roll video! Magic time!

INT. TRASHY, FUCKED UP HOTEL ROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Dollshead’s slinky, feminine, Middle-Eastern
syncopated cover of YOU PUT A SPELL ON ME.

The kind of room where you don’t
need a black light to see the stains.

Sparkle sits on the bed, very pin-up.
In nothing but a teddie and a big smile.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
(about the music)
I like this, who is it?
It was in that film --
what was it, uh --

SPARKLE
DollsHead. The film was
'Random Acts of Architecture,’
a dark little indie coming of age
flick about a teenage girl
who has her first orgasm.
She kills the guy who gave it to her --
and then goes on a cross-country road trip
where she has a bunch of episodic adventures
on a journey of self-discovery.

ANGLE ON:
The MAN she’s talking to,
a FILM INDUSTRY HACK (50’s), scary
in black Gucci boxers, cigar.

FILM INDUSTRY HACK
That’s right. I read about that.
(slides onto the bed)
Ever smoke before sex?

SPARKLE
You make me laugh. Long and hard.
Fucking chat room 'LOL' time, slick.
Can I add you to my buddy list?
Wanna cyber-fuck?
Can I instant massage you?
Give it to you up the avatar?
Wanna SOCIAL NETWORK?

She starts laughing maniacally.
Cracks herself up.

FILM INDUSTRY HACK
Oh. My. God. I totally forgot.
I got this -- thing tonight.
How could I forget.
God, am I an asshole.

She WHIPS out a big, chrome
HANDGUN from behind her back.

JAMS it in his mouth.
Whispers, a’la Dirty Harry.

SPARKLE
You got that right, buster.
Now shut the fuck up
and get on your knees.
It’s time for you to play
'spin the dickhead' and beg
for your fictional life.
Ride the 45 caliber pony.
Time to give a Chuck Heston blow job,
go down on the NRA -- and swallow.

CLOSE ON --
Her face. Having a ball.

We hear the sickly THWIP
of a silencer, and --
blood splatters her
perfect bone structure.

SPARKLE
Cut, print -- that’s a TAKE.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Tricks Are For Chicks


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty spooks a would-be suitor at a trendy Hollywood nightclub. Meanwhile, homicide detective Bernie Keko busts his partner Jesus Valentine's balls about how he eats a banana ...


EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
An ugly, gutteral-twisting techno groove --
Curve’s violent, feminine WISH YOU DEAD.

Pain. Hollywood’s glittering club-of-the-moment.
Celeb-filled. Self-conscious. Fabulous.

A cluster of TRENDIES lay in wait
behind the velvet rope.

INT. PAIN - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle sits on a bar stool,
sips a chilled Twisted Nipple.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Okay, here’s the thing.
I’m gonna spell it out for ya.
No subtext here,
just the straight poop.
Ready on the poop deck!

A DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
slides onto the next stool.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Hi, there.

SPARKLE
What’s the hub-bub, bub?

The MBA stares, confused --
then recovers.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
40’s noir. Love it.
You must be a writer.

SPARKLE
As if. What-ever. Gag me.
Your bad. We must not do lunch.
Have your people tell my people
to shove it up your ass.
Buh-bye. Bigger, better offer.
(sips drink, off his look)
'Tex' Avery, 1950’s.
Cartoons, big fella.
Big fucking Bugs Bunny -- whassup, doc.
Silly rabbit, tricks are for chicks.

Pause.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Uh -- right.
(pulls out prescription bottle,
hands it to her)
Here. Take a couple of these.
They’ll level you out.

He leaves, muttering to himself.

SPARKLE
(sings)
Your love is giving me bad medicine --

She sips her cocktail.
Lights a Dunhill.
Laughs to herself.

SPARKLE (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Kay. Gonna smash all
your precious little myths.
Yes, my dad was a closet case
that drowned himself in
Iron City beer and Broadway musicals --
and yes, my dear, sweet mama
finger-fucked her precious
little beauty pageant prisoner.
(beat)
But that’s not why
I’m doing this -- no way, Jose.
This chick’s not into it for some
kind of emotionally scarred
payback kinda thing.
This ain’t no party,
this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around.
It’s just -- fun. It’s a high.
Better than coming.
(beat)
C’mon, admit it.
You’ve got someone in your life
you’d like to do bodily harm to,
maybe even kill.
Your neighbor, someone at work.
Maybe, if you’re really
blessed, an ex-lover?
Or, if you’ve been chosen,
found your calling -- a relative.
(beat)
Yeah, that’s a good one.
Blow em up. Imagine how great
it feels to totally obliterate
the demented creators
of your misery and pain.
It’s like having a big bowl
of instant karma,
served with mother’s milk --
and Daddy’s banana.

EXT./INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MOVING - NIGHT
Bernie drives.
Jesus Valentine rides shotgun.
Eats a banana. Slowly. With relish.

KEKO
(looks at Jesus)
You’re enjoying that way too much.

VALENTINE
(mouth full)
Huh?

KEKO
It’s like you’re going down
on that fucking thing.

VALENTINE
Fuck you, fuckin’ homophobe.
I like to -- savor it.

KEKO
SAVOR it?

VALENTINE
Just because you have
a shitty vocabulary,
don’t get testy with me.


Monday, August 28, 2017

Divorce, American Style


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love and her ex-husband/ex-partner Bernie Keko listen to another crime scene tape recorded by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - DAY
Larry sits behind his desk.
Sips his designer coffee.

LIPSHITZ
Damn, that’s good.
Who knew Ethiopia had such --

A sharp KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the door.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Come in.

It opens. Bernie strides in.
Stops. Looks behind him.

KEKO
Carrie. C’mon.

Carrie shuffles in. Dishevelled.
Stinking of last night.

CARRIE
(low)
Hey, Chief.

LIPSHITZ
Jesus, look who the cat fucked in.
Nice outfit. Where’s your shopping cart?

She goes to a chair.
Pours herself into it.

CARRIE
Didn’t know the rules applied
when I’m suspended.

KEKO
I found her in a bar, Chief --

LIPSHITZ
Can it, and sit your ass down.
This is serious business.
I’ve got no time for your
‘Divorce American Style’ crap.
(to Carrie)
You’re here Carrie because we
believe you were the last person
to see Ms. Daerr alive.

CARRIE
How could that be?
She was here at the station,
and tons of people were --

LIPSHITZ
Ramirez has a surveillance tape
from the morning she was killed.
(beat)
You really get around, don’tcha.

Busted.

CARRIE
(turning red)
Look, I can explain --

LIPSHITZ
And I don’t wanna hear it.
I could give a holy fuck.
I just want you to listen to this tape --
and tell me if Daerr said anything
or did anything that could
shed some light on this madness.

He points to a boombox on his desk.
Punches ‘play.’

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Hey there, film freaks!
Welcome to Murder Fone!
If you know the name of the grisly
dead body you want to see, press ONE.
If you know the name of the movie
that’s being depicted, press TWO.
And if you know the name of the
brilliant auteur, press THREE.

They exchange glances.
Lipshitz rolls his eyes.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Time’s up! BUZZZZZ.
(beat)
Pathetic. You rubes probably watch reality TV.
The cultural scourge of this once-great nation.
(beat)
I’m talking Brian DePalma, people!
Brian Fucking De-Palma.
The. Man. Gimmee five.
Gimmee some skin.
Gimmee some skin flick.
(beat)
DRESSED TO KILL was unleashed on the world
by Paramount Pictures back in ‘82.
Although most critics initially
dismissed it as a blatant,
cheesy Hitchcock rip-off,
it more than holds up today
as an erotic, beautifully shot mis en scene --
a pre-postmodern noir of elegant pacing.
It briefly let Angie Dickinson
shine again in a ‘brave performance’ --
(beat)
And it was a fucking brilliant plot device
to have what seemed to be a major character
sliced and diced like that thirty minutes in --
(beat)
Poor, bloody, sexy baby in creamy beige
lying in the elevator, shredded to ribbons --
(beat)
So, I said to myself, ‘self? How can I top that?
(giggles)
Guess the meat grinder takes it to the next level, huh.
(beat)
Don’t worry. I thought of making
devilled sandwiches out of her --
but even I have some limits.
Crazed, genius serial killer, oui --
depraved cannibal, no.
(beat)
Oh, and Carrie -- you and Bernie
better get your shit together.
‘Cause the end of the third act
is gonna get very messy.

Silence.

CARRIE
I feel sick.
(beat)
And oddly hungry all of a sudden.

LIPSHITZ
Did Daerr mention anybody she was mad at?
Or who was mad at her? Her ex, maybe?
I mean, seeing as how she was a muff-diver,
you might have some insight into the matter.

Carrie shoots him a look.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Nothing? Well, look -- here’s the deal.
She’s made it personal, has some
fucked up thing for you and Bernie.
But unfortunately for me,
you’re off the team for now.

CARRIE
I’d come back to work if you asked me nicely.

LIPSHITZ
I want you to go home and think, think hard.
And get your shit together. Don’t spiral down
into a black void of sex, alcohol and despair.
(friendly)
‘Cause if you do, I’ll kill ya.

Carrie stands. Nods.
Goes to the door.
Called on her shit.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
Nice to see you, Chief --

And she’s gone. Larry gets up.

KEKO
I think you got to her, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Let’s just hope she doesn’t get to herself.
(points at the door)
I want you and Valentine to keep
checking out those clubs. It’s our only lead.

KEKO
(as he leaves)
Don’t worry. We’ll get the bitch.

LIPSHITZ
So what does she want with Love and Keko?
Must’ve had a fucked up childhood --

Friday, August 25, 2017

The Days Of Wine And Lesbos


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love drowns her sorrows with a liquid breakfast in her favorite dive bar, but gets interrupted by her ex, detective Bernie Keko, with some horrific news ...


INT. THE CIRCLE BAR - MORNING
The Supremes’ STONE LOVE
plays softly on the juke.
Bright. Cheerful. Full of soul.

Unlike the bar. Dark. Quiet.
Inhabited by drunks at 9AM.

Carrie pours herself
into plush bar stool.
Orders her favorite poison.

Hears the music.
Takes off a combat boot --

And FLINGS IT at the music -- THWAP.
The record stops -- THWIK.

PABLO, the bartender,
Vin Diesel on sleep deprivation --
CRACKS his knuckles.

CARRIE
Sorry about that.
(beat)
Love songs make me wanna kill someone.
Put it on my tab.
(beat)
Better set up another.

BARTENDER
(pours)
Trouble with the ladies again?

CARRIE
Lady. A woman -- girl, really.
(beat)
Ladies. Sounds so --
(takes a big slug)
Demure. Pristine.

BARTENDER
Well, that's the idea, isn't it?
I mean, who doesn't want a lady?

Long pause.

CARRIE
My girlfriend, Pablo.
My fucking girlfriend.

AT THE FRONT
Bernie ambles in,
spies his prey, grins.
Shakes his head.

KEKO
(sings)
The days of wine and lesbos --

CAMERA follows him to the bar, laughing.

CARRIE
Get the fuck out of my bar, detective.

KEKO
Oh, your bar? This is your bar?
I bet Donnie Dapello
would find that interesting.
Did you finally pay off the vig --
or did the old man finally die
and leave you his estate?

CARRIE
This isn’t some stupid movie, Bernie --
where the former lovers
have to work together,
fight for awhile,
confront each other, change --
patch up their differences --
and end up back together,
happily ever after.
This is my life.
And I want you out of it.

KEKO
Ooh. That’s real hard-boiled
lady dick lingo, little girl.
You think I came here to do a
little Hepburn-Tracy dance with you?
Well, think again,
miss carpet muncher.
I’m here because Lipshitz
wants to see you.

Carrie grabs the bottle.
Pours a shot. Pounds it.

CARRIE
What. He’s gonna ask me to turn in
my swiss army knife and my decoder ring?

KEKO
You know Double D-Girl --
the airbrushed filly you’ve been
two-timing Miss gang-bang with?

She stops cold.
Gives him a look that
maims -- then kills.

CARRIE
What the fuck is it to you.

KEKO
She was found this morning
in her apartment.
In about a hundred pieces.
Spread like chunky peanut butter --

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Electro-Glide In Lube


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang have cheeseburgers for breakfast after their night of kinky fun and games ...


INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - BAR - DAWN
The lovers sit on bar stools.

Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle
cheeseburger with her fingers.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

Pause.

CARRIE
It feels like, I don’t
know anything anymore.
If I can orgasm -- without
you even touching me --

LAURA
But I was.

CARRIE
Yeah.

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more? Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love --
I’d nuke heaven and earth.

She goes to microwave, pops a few in.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
So what’s the name of the video?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.
It was supposed to be Blade-Fucker,
but Klaus got scared that
Warner Brothers might
give him a problem.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage in your --

The microwave DINGS.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
(beat)
Set phasers to ‘stun.’ So to speak.

Carrie comes in with an
offering for her goddess.

CARRIE
I know. I’m sorry --
I -- that was stupid.

Pause.

LAURA
(very quiet)
Thanks.
(looks at the plate, then her)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to me.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small,
fragile in her big,
white terrycloth robe.
Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey, enough of that. Listen.
You deserve it. I deserve it.
We’re just people. Both of us.

Pause.

LAURA
Then -- why doesn’t it feel like it?

Monday, August 21, 2017

My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, porn star Laura Lang takes homicide detective Carrie Love to Club Fuck, where Laura deflowers Carrie and give her her first taste of the kinky arts ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
The filth-sleaze go-go of the
Thrill Kill Kult’s
DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS over --

A faceless warehouse on the
cheap end of Santa Monica Blvd.

Laura pulls Carrie
behind the velvet rope.

CLOSE ON --

Laura, an SS erotic piece of art.
Carrie, just getting her feet wet
in something too short, too tight.

LAURA
Ready to get totally depraved?

CARRIE
Yes, please.

INT. CLUB FUCK - FRONT BAR
A carnival of perversion.
The fall of Rome. Fellini, on tap.

The magic couple sip cocktails.
Hands all over each other.

CARRIE
It’s the nipple clamp version
of the Star Wars alien bar.
(beat)
I love it.

LAURA
(takes her hand)
Then c’mon, love --
let’s tighten the screws.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
The throbbing groove of
The Thrill Kill Kult’s BLUE BUDDHA.

In a hailstorm of strobes,
an earthquake of music,
Carrie and Laura shake it, grind --
delirious. Intoxicated.

CARRIE
(sings along)
Ultra flesh, is what we want --

IN MONTAGE:

ON A BANQUETTE AT THE REAR BAR/LOUNGE

they hold hands.
Laura leans over, whispers something.
Carrie ERUPTS with laughter.

IN THE 'PLAY ROOM'
The girls watch the demonstration.
A TRIBAL MASTER deftly flogs a young
ANDROGYNOUS BOY on his panty-clad privates --

AT THE FRONT BAR
Carrie and Laura order drinks.
Stare at each other.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
The women twist and shake.
Bump and grind. Slither and slide.

IN MONTAGE
An 'almost there, but not quite'
VALLEY COUPLE stare.

Two tweaky ecstasy GAY CLUB BOYS leer.
A SCARY GOTH GUY and GIRL
slide up next to them.

FROM ABOVE
The lovers do their mating dance.

IN THE BOOTH
the DJ YELLS something at the LIGHT BOY.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
a spotlight HITS the girls.
They don’t notice, entranced.

Laura takes Carrie’s neck
in her hands. KISSES her mouth.

They stop dancing.
Kiss. Devour. Melt. Merge.

And, as CAMERA starts a slow
circular pan around them --

Laura GRABS Carrie’s hair.
Pulls her head back.

Bends into her neck.
Starts sucking. Biting. Feasting.

Strobe lights EXPLODE, spinning
shards of pulsing passion.

INT. PLAYROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The scary, depraved goth-ooze of
Daniel Ash’s COMING DOWN bubbles
under the dark dankness.
Last call. Final fix.

Carrie and Laura stand stage right.
A DOMINATRIX unshackles an
underage-looking nymph
in a Girl Scout uniform.

Laura unclips a leash.
Hooks it to Carrie’s collar.

CARRIE
gulps. Part fear. Part wet.

LAURA
gives a little yank.
Pulls her up onto the stage.

Guides her over to a large
wooden cross, like a big ‘X’.

CARRIE’S EYES
flicker. Liquid. Innocent.
At least for now --

Laura places Carrie’s
left wrist on the cross.

Into a shackle. SNAPS it shut.
Then does the other.

The blonde reaches up to the
zipper at Carrie’s throat.
Slowly unzips it -- all the way down.

The glistening black vinyl flies open --
Revealing lingerie. Bare, trembling skin.
Goosebumping. Glistening.

Laura reaches down. Places
Carrie’s left ankle on the cross.

SNAPS the shackle shut.
Then the right ankle.

She stops. Takes a black leather-gloved hand,
strokes Carrie’s calf. Our heroine shudders.
Then slowly, achingly -- goes up, up Carrie’s leg.
Reaches her soft, milky thigh. Stops.

CARRIE
quivers. Bites her lip. Closes her eyes.
A tear of pleasure trickles down.

Yes.

Laura’s hand continues on it’s journey.
Reaches Carrie’s panties.

Stops.

Carrie’s hips buckle. She can’t take it.

Please.

LAURA
stands up abruptly. Boots CLOMP, CLOMP
over to a rack of instruments.
Paddle. Whip. Riding crop. Cat-o’-nine tails.
She grabs the cat-flogger. Takes a breath.

The women lock eyes. Laura smiles.
Slowly raises it. CRACKS it in the air.
Carrie reacts. Hands grip the restraints.

Laura walks over. Kisses her.
Whispers sweet naughties.
Returns to her position --

And starts making love to
her trembling slave-girl.

Gently swirls the dozen soft
deerskin straps like a flag --

And softly whacks Carrie’s tummy.
A tickle. A tease.

Carrie jerks with pleasure.
And again, crack -- on her shoulder.

Crack, on Carrie’s thigh.
She moans softly. Surprised.

Uhhh.

INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT MORNING
The fragile, subterranean croon
of David Bowie’s cover of
GOD ONLY KNOWS over --

In the bedroom, softly lit with a lone candle.
Carrie’s handcuffed to the bedposts.

In the same outfit. But the dress is gone.
Laura kneels before her on the foamy comforter.
Flogging Carrie gently. Delicately.

And on each swirling whissssk of the soft straps --
Carrie jerks with new pleasure.

Without the visual, it sounds just like lovemaking.
Because it is.

Laura’s flogging quickens. Softer. Closer. Deeper.
Carrie writhes. Moans. Starts to reach climax --

Pause.

And she HOWLS AT THE MOON. A carnal, animal bray.
SHRIEKS like a banshee virgin finally finding release.

Starts crying, sobbing from so much.
Laura THROWS the flogger to the floor.

Reaches up. Unfastens Carrie’s wrists.
Throws her arms around her.

Holds her there.
PUSH IN on their faces.

Simple. Pure. Perfect.


Friday, August 11, 2017

Cadillac Margarita


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love takes porn star Laura Lang to her favorite dive bar, where they have to deal with a leering dick who 'wants to join in' ...

EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - LATE AFTERNOON
Carrie’s vintage Porsche convertible
flies up the road along
the Santa Monica beach.
Passes a crusty DIVE BAR.

LAURA (O.S.)
Chez Jay, I love that place!
Stop the car -- stop the car!

INT. CHEZ JAY - LATE AFTERNOON
How can it be so dark
inside during the day?

And where on earth did they
find that jazz for the jukebox?

Our chicks sit on bar stools.
Grinning at the BARTENDER.

CARRIE
Can I get a Margarita, please?
Rocks, salt?

Laura slips her hand up Carrie’s skirt.

LAURA
(to the bartender)
Make it a Cadillac Margarita.
Two of them.

CARRIE
(getting hot)
What’s a Cadillac Margarita?

Laura’s hand shifts -- smile broadens.

LAURA
It’s got a shot of Gran Marnier in it.

CARRIE
You want me to -- get drunk?

A MALE VOICE interrupts.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Sounds like fun to me.

ON THE NEXT BAR STOOL
sits a puffed-up, leering SUIT
enjoying his liquid lunch.

He leans toward Laura,
insinuating himself.

DICK
Hi, I’m Dick.
You ladies together I take it?

CARRIE
Yes, we are.

LAURA
No boys allowed. Sorry.

CARRIE
(Ab Fab accent)
No sex, please -- we’re British.

This CRACKS the girls up.
The bon vivant tries again.

DICK
So, you ladies are, uh --

LAURA
Yes, love. This is my date.
(takes Carrie’s hand in hers)
Isn’t she gorgeous?

DICK
Yes she is. And so are you.

(beat)
Do you ever let anybody -- join in?

Laura sips her cocktail.
Eyes burning with mischief.

LAURA
Let me ask you something.
How would you feel if you were
on a date with your girlfriend --
and some gay guy came up to you
and asked if he could join in?
You wouldn’t like it, would you?
You’d think it was fucking rude,
wouldn’t you?

The poor guy’s wheels start spinning.
But he’s no match.

Carrie observes,
sips her drink. In awe.

DICK
Uh, yes -- of course, but --

LAURA
This is the same thing, darling.
We’re not into men.
(beat)
Just like you.

This sinks in.
He struggles for a response.

LAURA (CONT’D)
Now. I’d like you
to apologize to my date.
It’s her birthday,
and we’ve had to deal with t
his falderol, instead of --
(leans over, kisses Carrie)
Enjoying our evening together.

DICK
(turned on, embarrassed)
Hey, look -- I’m really sorry,
I didn’t mean to --

LAURA
Apology accepted.
We’re going to leave now.
My darling Carrie here
only lives a few blocks away.
So, I want you to imagine us
going back to her place --
and what I’m going to do to her.
(beat)
Silly me. You were going to
do that anyway, weren’t you?

EXT. CHEZ JAY - PARKING LOT - DUSK
Carrie and Laura walk
to the car holding hands.

CARRIE
That was awesome.
You fucking killed him.

Laura stops. GRABS her.

LAURA
I’d kill anyone that gets in our way.
(beat)
I hope you’re packing, officer --

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

The Last Girl On Earth


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty reveals a disturbing image of her dysfunctional family upbringing in the trailer park. Meanwhile, more than sparks fly when homicide detective Carrie Love has her first date with porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
Sparkle cruises down the nasty
boulevard, platforms clattering --
smiling beneath red heart shades.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I love cheeseburgers, pizza,
video games, movies, comic books --
and catching a buzz whenever I can.
I’m your typical American teen.
(beat)
Except for one thing.
I’m gonna be the biggest
serial killer there ever was.
(beat)
People are gonna remember me.
You betcha.

INT. PLENTY HOME - LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY
Dot shows her daughter a baton twirl.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
See, the thing was about my mom --
she like, didn’t want a daughter.
She wanted a star.
(beat)
And the money -- don’t forget the money.
She thought I was, like, her ticket
out the trailer ranch.
(beat)
How fucked up is that? 'Trailer Ranch.'
Like it’s a fucking ranch.
Raunch is more like it. In hell.
(beat)
What. Ever.

Dot hands it to Sparkle,
who gives it a whirl. She’s great.

CLOSE ON --
Sparkle’s face. Bright.
Eager. Scared shitless.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I mean, lookit me.
Is that pathetic or what?

INT. CARRIE LOVE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A Mr. Coffee DRIPS.
Carrie walks in, makes a cup.

She goes to the mini stereo,
searches through the CD’s.

Makes her choice.
Puts it on. Presses 'play.'

The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy,
Euro-croon THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH
fills the room.

Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her java.

INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie, hot in black,
checks out her reflection.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when I’d
been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.

She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Carrie changes CD’s --
ABC’S irresistible THE LOOK OF LOVE.

Big smile. She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.

Goes off somewhere to the
music, dancing, swirling --

The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.

Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --

A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight,
sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.

With five, maybe six buttoned.
And nothing else.

LAURA
(listens)
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song.

Their eyes lock.

CARRIE
(heart beating fast)
It’s -- my favorite song, too.

Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.

LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?

And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.

Laura on top, insinuating her
splendor into Carrie’s grass.

CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?

The phone BR-RINGS.

LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.

CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.

BR-RING. BR-RING.

LAURA
Godammit.

She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder. CRASH.

LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?

CARRIE
You were -- uh --

Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.

LAURA
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine --

Monday, August 7, 2017

The City Of Angels


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, police chief Larry Lipshitz addresses the media in a press conference about the Hollywood movie copycat serial killer. Meanwhile, watching it on TV is porn director Klaus Speer and his date, adult film star Laura Lang ... who also happens to be homicide detective Carrie Love's new squeeze ...


A TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST
A stiff, HANDSOME ANCHOR and
a gorgeous LATINA ANCHORWOMAN,
shellacked hair, grim frozen smile,
lean into THE CAMERA --

HANDSOME ANCHOR
We take you now to a press conference
in front of police headquarters, where --

LATINA ANCHORWOMAN
Brock Bradley is on the scene --
(dramatic pause)
Brock -- we’ve been told Larry Lipshitz,
chief detective, LA homicide --
is going to make a statement.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT
A gaggle of PRESS, ONLOOKERS and COPS
surround a podium crammed with mikes.
Larry Lipshitz takes a swig of Maalox.

BROCK BRADLEY
a vacant John Tesh on steroids
grips his mike, cocks his head,
gazes into THE CAMERA.

BROCK
That’s right, Lina. They’re
about to start any minute now --

YELLING MAN (O.S.)
Fuck you, stop pushing!
Unfair to the Guild!
Writers have rights!

HANDSOME ANCHOR
Holy homicide, Brock -- what
the heck’s goin’ on down there?

BROCK
Well, there’s a couple of
protest groups out here, Biff --
one of them’s a group
from the Writer’s Guild --
they’re saying it’s unfair to blame them,
and refer to the killings as
'cinema copycat crimes' --

LINA
And what’s the other group, Brock?

BROCK
I’m glad you asked, Lina --
protesting against Hollywood
marketing violence to children --
the Christian Unified Nation of Teachers.

The beauty spells out the
letters to herself. Gasps.

BROCK (CONT'D)
There’s Lipshitz.

BIFF
And not a moment too soon.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - CONTINUOUS
Larry tugs at his tie, loosens it.
Looks at the crowd.

LIPSHITZ
Thank you all for coming.
I know these are scary times
we’re living in, dark days
in the city of angels.

He takes out a scrap of paper,
puts on his glasses.

SARCASTIC REPORTER
'City of angels?'
Who do you think you are,
Raymond Chandler?

LIPSHITZ
Nice to see you too, Mim.
What’s the matter,
didn’t get any last night?
(to the crowd)
I’m going to read a statement.
There’ll be no questions.

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S ESTATE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Klaus lies sprawled on his
king-sized canopied bed.

Swirls, sips cognac from an
oversized snifter. Watches the telly.

KLAUS
(to someone offscreen)
The fucking police have nothing.
Nothing. Just this, this -- statement.
It’s incredible, I tell you.
The killer’s some kind of twisted genius.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Takes one to know one.

KLAUS
Flattery’ll get you -- anything you want.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
(sexy)
You’ll come in and help me douche, then?

KLAUS
Come back to bed, my little vixen --
I like your natural, animal -- scent.

He chuckles, eyes light up with mischief.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
You Germans --

Laura walks in, naughty smile --
and naughtier lingerie.

LAURA
Are such kinky, naughty little devils.

Friday, August 4, 2017

The Other White Meat


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 24 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine investigate the crime scene where porn director Bruce Ball was scalded to death in a sleazy motel shower ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
At the crime scene, BERNIE
inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is
Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger
stuffed into the
cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo.
Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about well done.

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick
of rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie,
uncomprehending.

KEKO (CONT’D)
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because
I’m a fucking Mexican
we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were
different, man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European
'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer did it
in the fucking shower --

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Bad Company


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love takes a walk on the wild side at Club Fuck, where she searches for a certain porn star ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A smallish grey building deep
in the bowels of Hollywood.

A pulsing, industrial grind
bleeds outside from within.

INT. CLUB FUCK - CONTINUOUS
Carrie sits at the bar,
drowning everything. Sorrows.
Joy. Hopes. Dreams. Self-esteem.

She pours a tall shot
from a bottle of Jagermeister.
Toasts the throng. Downs it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Figures I’d get stood up.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Fucking porn star --
(pours another shot)
I once had a shrink who said
I lived in my own little world.
That I’ve lived most
of my life -- alone.
(downs it)
Well, maybe that’s because
everyone I’ve ever fucking known --
except my mom and my dog --
ended up letting me down.
Makes a girl a little finicky
about who she hangs out with.
And the way I look at it,
I’m pretty good fucking company.
(pours another)
But the thing is --
there’s just one problem.
It’s not working anymore.
(raises glass)
It seems that whenever
I try to do things my way --
it blows up in my fucking face.

And she slams it.
Grimaces. Closes her eyes.

EXT. CLUB FUCK - LATER
It’s over. Party kids
spill onto the sidewalk.

Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse,
pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
(teasing)
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Uh -- security?

LAURA
No. My date.
He finally found me.

CARRIE
(looks around)
Where’s he now?

LAURA
(evil)
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get --
your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
(squeezes)
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Long pause. There’s
no one else in the world.

LAURA
So -- aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
(melts)
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.

APPLAUSE.

They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
cheer.

Carrie looks down. Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, Miss Legs,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.

CARRIE
(whispers)
P-p-plans -- for me?

Monday, July 31, 2017

The Killer Inside Her


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

I Chapter 22 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko checks out the dead video store clerk in the morgue, courtesy of under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. MORGUE - DAY
Brightly lit, antiseptic.
Deep-freeze cold.

Bernie stands by the door,
listening on his cell phone.

Two Medical Examiner PARAMEDICS,
KENNY, white, and KENDRICK, black,
wheel in a BODY BAG on a gurney.

KENNY
You get your skins?
She give you a lil’
somethin-somethin?

The cultured, British national
stops the cart.

KENDRICK
(quiet, nasty)
You redneck git --
I’m from London, stop
with the bloody Ebonics.

Bernie talks into his cell.

KEKO
Carrie, if you’re there, pick up.
I know you’re mad,
and I don’t blame you,
but something’s happened.
We need you to --
(beat)
Fuck.
(sees the body)
Is that the motel room -- ?

KENNY
Freak show? Uh -- yeah.
Goddamn thought I’d seen everything.
Fucking Alpo time, dude.

KENDRICK
I must say I was impressed
with the attention to detail.
The victim is not only wearing
a choke chain and a collar,
but according to his tags --
it would appear he’s had
all his vaccinations.

KENNY
Rows and rows of the shit.
We’re talking major hypodermic action,
fuckin’ AIDS five-hundred.

KEKO
(walks over)
Open up the cinch-sack.

The big Jamaican-Brit zips
open the grey plastic, revealing --
the HIPSTER CLERK.
Wearing the dog costume.

KEKO (CONT’D)
Kinky. Disembowel freaky Fido.

Kendrick zips down the
furry body, revealing --

The clerk’s chest. Stippled with
rows of vicious puncture wounds
like bloody dominoes.

KEKO (CONT'D)
Whoever did this skipped
their anger management class.
(looks closer)
It looks like a -- pattern.

KENNY
Like someone played a buncha
'pick-6’s' on his six-pack.

KENDRICK
(to Kenny)
I told you -- it’s a message.
(to Bernie)
It’s the killer’s autograph.

Bernie stares at the human
pincushion. Gets an idea.

KEKO
(to Kenny)
Take off your shirt.

KENNY
What?

KEKO
(whips out a gun)
I said take off your shirt,
you fucking rube.
In case you haven’t noticed it,
we’ve got a human chia pet here
leaking out the evidence.

He clicks the safety.
The good ol’ boy strips off his top.

Bernie grabs the pale blue cotton,
places it on the body.

CLOSE ON --
Rows of red wounds.
Stippled in patterns.

The crimson dots bleed.
Start to connect. Form words.

'I’d like to thank the Academy,
my Mom, God, my agent -- '

Friday, July 28, 2017

Principal Photography


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love eavesdrops on porn producer Dina Daerr, and discovers her big secret ...


EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - NIGHT
Dina’s 100k convertible cruises
past the Santa Monica pier.

The sleek German vehicle
slows, makes a turn into --

EXT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A big, Cape Cod-style place
on a primo lot on the beach.

The Benz pulls in. Parks.
Dina gets out. Goes inside.

ON THE STREET
Ilona’s black ghost
pulls up to the curb.

INT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The rumpled beauty throws off her purse,
pick up a remote, punches on MUSIC --
some 60’s swinging cocktail croon.
Happily swerves down a hallway.

IN THE KITCHEN
She POPS the cork off a bottle of wine.

IN THE VAN
They listen on headsets.

ILONA
Someone’s getting a buzz.

CARRIE
The question is -- is she alone?

IN THE KITCHEN
She dials a number on her cell.
Sips her merlot.

DINA
Klaus?

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:
INT. KLAUS SPEER’S STUDIO - EDIT BAY - AT THE SAME TIME
Klaus barks into his headset, eyes flashing.

KLAUS
You’re late. Do you have
any idea how bad you’ve been?

DINA
(bows head)
I’m sorry -- sir.

KLAUS
(SLAPS the counter)
Did you bring home the dailies?

DINA
I’m afraid I -- I --
(beat)
Left them at the studio.
I, uh -- forgot.
We had an -- an emergency.

KLAUS
You forgot?
You left them at the studio?
(ominous)
What kind of emergency?

Pause.

DINA
I -- shot someone. Killed them.
It was a mistake -- they weren’t
supposed to be real bullets.

KLAUS
You nasty -- filthy --
dirty little girl.
How could you do that.
After all I’ve done for you.
I can’t begin to express
my disappointment. My complete dismay.
(beat)
Such a bad, bad girl.
Do you know what we do
to dirty little bad girls?

INSIDE THE VAN
Silence. Dina breathes heavily.

DINA (O.S.)
You -- you --

CARRIE
(aroused)
What?

Ilona stares at her.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
What. Don’t look at me like that.
(beat)
You’re taping this, right?

IN KLAUS’ STUDIO
He smiles into the wireless
clipped to his leather jacket.

KLAUS
We start principal photography.

ACROSS THE ROOM
Laura sits in a director’s chair.

Sips from a glass of wine.

LAURA
And let the bodies
fall where they may --

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Pet Sematary


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, police chief Larry Lipshitz plays a gruesome tape made by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty for the homicide detectives which turns more than their stomachs ...


INT. POLICE STATION - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - NIGHT
Bernie sits across from Larry’s desk.
A half-dozen HOMICIDE DETECTIVES stand
around, chatting, drinking coffee.

Lipshitz looks like shit,
eyes hollow sockets.

He pulls out a brown bottle.
Pours some into his coffee. Takes a sip.

LIPSHITZ
(to Bernie)
My wife was crying last night,
couldn’t get any sleep,
we were up all night --
(beat)
We gotta get this -- succubus, Bernie.

KEKO
I’m there like white on rice, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Thanks for the banality, Bernie.
It’s oddly comforting.
(looks around)
Alright, everybody listen up.
We got another tape.
(beat)
Actually, it’s a CD.
The killer’s gone digital.

WISEASS DETECTIVE
Let’s hear it,
I’m getting a chubby already.

LIPSHITZ
Shut the fuck up MacDonald, you prick.
You think this is funny?

MACDONALD
No, sir -- I was just trying to lighten the mood.
They say that humour during a time of crisis --

KEKO
Why don’t you go to the morgue, MacDonald,
get laid, and leave us to the detecting.

MACDONALD
Fuck you, Keko -- you’re just pissed off
cause your wife went bearded clam-digging.
(bad Brit accent)
Shall we shag-carpet-munch now,
or should we shag-carpet munch later?

The detectives chuckle.

LIPSHITZ
SHUT UP.

Silence.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Now pay attention -- this one’s a doozy.

He goes to a boombox, punches a button.
The sexy coo of Donna Summer’s
LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY oozes into the room.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Dammit.

COLACCHIO
Love the gay disco, chief.
Somethin’ you wanna tell us?

LIPSHITZ
Fuck you. It’s my daughter’s --
(changes CDs)
Okay. Now everybody shut the fuck up.

Lipshitz hits the ‘play’ button.
The Ramones come on, the catchy
pop-punk of PET SEMATARY.

JOEY RAMONE
(singing)
I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery, I don’t
want to live my life again --

The music fades, and we hear --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
(sings along)
And the night when the wolves cry out,
listen careful, and you can hear me shout --
I don’t I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery --
(giggles)
Thanks for tuning in.
It’s time to par-tay, dog-gone it.
(laughs)
Damn, I crack myself up. Gotta watch that.
A shredded corpse is no laughing matter,
isn’t that right, awficer?
(sings)
Hey, officer Krupke,
I feel pretty, oh so pretty --

KEKO
Broad babbles more than Courtney Love on crank.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Paramount Pictures released PET SEMATARY
in 1988, a solid base hit.
The ten million dollar budget was well spent,
considering that it grossed
twenty-five million domestically --
and that’s not counting
international and ancillary revenues.
(beat)
Steven King doesn’t consider it to be
a good adaptation of his novel,
since the director went with
a semi-comedic tone, which hurts
the scare factor, I must say.
(beat)
But still, it’s good, clean, sick fun.
A personal fave. Two thumbs up my vag,
thas’ fah shure.
(beat)
Today’s installation is an example of
what happens when a petty little dog turd
uses his power over people.
Well, this is the end of the line,
chopping down the family cherry tree, bub.
Buster Hymen time.
(spooky)
Don’t forget -- to spay and neuter your pet.

Then, the sickly sound of a knife
making rapid puncture wounds --
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK.

A chill runs through the room.
Keko leans forward, in shock.

LIPSHITZ
Here’s where it really gets good --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Film is a collaborative art --
but since I’m an orphan,
I need parenting, guidance.
A firm, loving hand to --
to stop me before I --
(beat)
I’ve got my adoption papers.
Can the 42nd Precinct’s golden couple
save me before the end of the third act?

KEKO
Holy shit.

LIPSHITZ
Whaddaya think, Daddy?

KEKO
I think -- I gotta go find Carrie.

LIPSHITZ
First go take a look at the body.
And brace yourself. Crime scene tech
still can’t keep anything down.

PUSH IN on Bernie’s face.
Not excited.

Monday, July 24, 2017

The Big Guns


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love gets some 'assistance' form a former flame. Meanwhile, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty toys with her latest victim ...


EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
From a distance we see Dina
chatting with her GUCCI ATTORNEY.
Definitely the 'big guns.'

CARRIE
charges outside, muttering to herself.

CARRIE
Why don’t you just whip them out,
see who’s got the bigger --

She sees Dina. Stops.

The brunette beauty and
her lawyer shake hands.
He leaves.

Dina sees Carrie.
Turns, briskly goes to her car.

CARRIE
turns around. Sprints off toward --

A SURVEILLANCE SUV
A tricked-out monstrosity
with blackened windows.

Carrie RAPS a drumbeat. Then again.
The door opens with a PFFUT, and --

Out pops ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy bullet of a woman
stuffed into a leather catsuit.

Armed to the gills.
Packing, too.

ILONA
Hey there, spitfire.
What’cha got on the grill?

CARRIE
I need to borrow your van.
(pulls out wad of cash)
Rent it, actually.
I’m on hiatus.

ILONA
I told you, it’s not a van,
it’s a fuckin’ SUV, girlfren --
got eight cylinders, microwave DSL,
heat-seaking stealth mikes.
This is the law enforcement shit,
lady dick.

CARRIE
Please accept my profuse apologies --
(ton of subtext)
Ilona.

ILONA
Put away the bankroll.
I’m driving.

CARRIE
This could be dangerous, Lona.

ILONA
Yeah, right. That’s what you said
that night on the beach in San Juan.

CARRIE
Don’t remind me.
I’m still having lower back problems.

EXT. 'THE INTERNATIONAL' MOTEL - NIGHT
Flags from around the world
painted on a cinder block bunker.
Behind a gas station in 'The Hood.’

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The HIPSTER VIDEO CLERK
is in a human-size dog costume,
tied up with electrical tape on the couch.

The head sits nearby.
Sparkle fastens a ball gag in his mouth.

SPARKLE
Good boy, that’s a good boy.
Now we’re gonna play a few tricks.

The clerk jerks up, stands.
Fights against his restraints.

Sparkle WHACKS him on the ass
with a wooden paddle.

SPARKLE
(whacks on each 'bad')
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad -- boy!
No treats for you!
(WHACK)
I told Mama not to get
a stray from the pound.

She pulls out a huge, gleaming,
hooked fish-gutting knife.

SPARKLE
Now look what you’re making me do.

The boy’s eyes flash frightened tears.

SPARKLE
I know, it makes me cry when
we have to put doggie to sleep --

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Tough Toenails


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty visits her local video rental store, looking for inspiration for her next murder ...


INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles.
Home at last.

A SIGN
reads CULT.

SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.

THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.

SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.

ANOTHER VIDEO
reads THE HONEYMOON KILLERS.

SPARKLE
rolls her eyes. As if.

SPARKLE
Kitch me with a spoon.

DISSOLVE TO:
Movie art.
Shimmering with light.
PET SEMATARY.

Sparkle hugs it to her chest.
Absolutely delighted.

SPARKLE
See Spot. See Spot run.
(beat)
See Spot’s brains
splattered in the street.

AT THE COUNTER
A snotty, HIPSTER CLERK
looks at Sparkle’s selections.

HIPSTER CLERK
'Pet Sematary.' Funny movie.
Props to Mary Lambert.

SPARKLE
(weird smile)
Watch it, bub.
Comedy isn’t pretty.
It can kill ya.

HIPSTER CLERK
(looks at the register)
You’re, uh -- credit card declined.

SPARKLE
No way. Do it again.
Machine’s fucked up.

HIPSTER CLERK
I’ve tried it twice, doll.
You’re maxed.
Tough toenails.

Excuse me?

SPARKLE
(too nice)
Well then, you have a --
great day, there, Mister.

EXT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle lies in wait in the
rear alley behind a dumpster.

SPARKLE
We guarantee.
You’ll go home happy.

The back door opens.
Out walks Mr. Cool.

Sparkle JUMPS him.
JABS a STUN GUN to his neck.

SPARKLE
I wanna talk to you about
your late return policy.

And the clerk hits the ground, THWUNK.

Friday, July 14, 2017

The Killer Insider Her


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty toys with her latest victim, porn director Bruce Ball. Meanwhile, after homicide dick Carrie love illegally interrogates Ball's producer Dina Daerr, police chief Larry Lipshitz suspends her ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Bruce lies in the tub,
trussed up like a pig on a spit.

He moans.
Sparkle leans over,
blows him a kiss.

SPARKLE
Playing with you is like
eating a box of chocolates.
(beat)
Afterwards you gotta stick
your fingers down your throat.
(beat)
Now don’t move a muscle,
Mr. Murder victim.
I want you to stay right
here while I go shopping.
I’m gonna bring home a big surprise.

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - EXIT - NIGHT
Larry chases after Carrie and Bernie.

LIPSHITZ
I hate surprises, Legs.
Tell me what she said.

CARRIE
(pushes the door open)
We can’t tell you yet, Lare --
don’t want to let the
cat out of her pants.
But I promise, when I do --
you’ll be the first to know.

KEKO
(blocks the door)
She’s lying, Carrie.
You’re so full of shit
it makes my head spin.
(to Larry)
We got bupkiss, chief.

CARRIE
'Bupkiss?' Nice vocabulary.
Get the fuck out of my way.

KEKO
Nice mouth. Officer.
(to Larry)
She promised Miss Range Rover immunity --
and all she did was give up her boss.

CARRIE
I’ll give you something if
you don’t get out of my way.

LIPSHITZ
Stop right where you are, you two.
You’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

CARRIE
The Ricky Ricardo routine
isn’t gonna work this time, chief.
Just let me do my job.
Don’t I always get results?

Pause.

LIPSHITZ
I like you Carrie, I really like you.
In spite of your attitude, your insults,
your total disregard for procedure --
I like you.
(beat)
That’s why this kills me.
But I’m afraid I’m going to have to
ask for your badge and your gun.
You’re suspended for a week.

CARRIE
What?

KEKO
Yes!

CARRIE
You’re suspending me?

LIPSHITZ
Like a Catholic girl who’s been caught
with her hand in the cookie puss.
(beat)
Your badge and your gun, Carrie. Please.

She bitterly, painfully -- hands them over.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
You wanna know what the straw was
that bent the camel’s dick?

CARRIE
To be honest with you, Lare --
I could really give a shit.
There’s a copycat serial killer
working her way through
the hot 100 movie murders --
and you’re gonna take
me out of the game?

LIPSHITZ
Consider it a seventh-inning stretch.
(beat)
Daerr’s lawyer hit the roof.
You kept the ice princess
in a holding cell for an hour --
and then an interrogation room for three.
Without counsel. A phone call.
Or a trip to the fucking head.
When the shyster finally got to her,
after her father called him --
she’d wet her pants.

KEKO
That’s a shame.
Those were nice pants.

CARRIE
I was trying a new strategy.

KEKO
Nicotine withdrawal’s a bitch.
And so are you.

LIPSHITZ
Do you know who the fuck
her father is?

CARRIE
Some rich asshole?

LIPSHITZ
Think dinosaurs.
Feel-good concentration camp comedies.
Cuddly, sexless aliens.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Light bulb flickering.