Bonnaroo Buzz

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In Chapter 7 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash trailer park kidnapper Darryl Head calls lottery winner Basil Keko with his ransom demands. Problem is, his kidnapee, Basil's wife Kitty, is diabetic and about to go into insulin shock ...


INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Wendy stands in the doorway,
holding a gun in her hands.

Darryl’s pants are down around his ankles.
Denny’s in his underwear.

Kitty glares at them,
tied to the bed.

WENDY
Don’t fucking TOUCH her.
I said I’d go along with a kidnapping,
but rape is crossing the line.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
Don’t do anything stupid, sugar plum.
Hand me the gun.

WENDY
Sure thing.
When you PULL YOUR FUCKING PANTS UP.
(to Denny)
You too, you fucking retard.

DENNY
You’re not supposed to say RETARD.
I’m a SLOW ADULT, stupid-face.

Kitty’s eyes go glassy.
She winces as if in pain.

WENDY
What’s wrong?

KITTY
It’s time for my insulin shot.
I’m a diabetic.

DARRYL
What happens if you don’t get it?

KITTY
Oh, I get tired, hungry, sweaty,
headache, blurry vision, slurred speech --

DARRYL
Well, that’s not too bad.

KITTY
Then I’ll go into insulin shock
and start having convulsions, go unconcious --
and maybe even go into a coma.
(beat)
Kinda fucks with your little scheme, huh?
Next time, you might want to do
a little research on your kidnapping victim.

DARRYL
Okay, okay, okay.
I’ll get you some insulin.

WENDY
How you gonna do THAT?
You can’t just buy it over the counter.

DARRYL
Shut up.
I’ll find a way.

KITTY
Do you have any candy or cookies?
Anything that has sugar in it?
That’ll help for a little while.

DENNY
ICE CREAM.

KITTY
Yeah.
That’ll work.

DARRYL
Dude.
That’s the last of our Bonnaroo Buzz,
Ben & Jerry’s most awesome gnarlyness.
The perfect blend of coffee,
malt, caramel and toffee.
You know how HARD that is to find?

WENDY
So have Denny go to the store
and get some candy and shit.
Honest to god, if I weren’t here
to supervise you two,
the old bag would be dead by now.

KITTY
Excuse me.
I’m only sixty.
(off their looks)
What.
Didn’t you hear?
Sixty’s the new fifty.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit around the coffee table
staring at the phone tape recorder sitting on it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
The air was filled like tension.
You could feel it.
Smell it. Touch it. Taste it.
It cut like a dull knife.
(beat)
My ex-mother-in-law had been abducted,
and there was nothing I could do about it.

BASIL
Why don’t they fucking CALL?
I’m losing my fucking MIND.
(growls)
If they harm one hair on her head,
they’re gonna DIE.

The front door opens.
In walks Meg and Ilona.

CARRIE
Meg.
(looks at Ilona)
Oh.

MEG
Hey.
(nods)
Bernie.
Mr. Keko.
(to Carrie)
This is my new partner, Ilona Ramirez.

CARRIE
Ilona.
You did it.
You’re a cop.

MEG
You know her?

ILONA
I used to bartend at the Clit Club.

CARRIE
Poured generous cocktails.
Had quite a way with a wedge of lime --

MEG
(to Carrie)
Did you -- ?

ILONA
(to Meg)
Relax.
The relationship was strictly business
between barmaid and lush.
(looks at Carrie)
And I was spoken for back then.

BASIL
(to Bernie)
So that’s the tart Carrie left you for.

MEG
Excuse me?

BERNIE
Dad.
We’re in HER house.

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Meg.
He’s distraught.
He didn’t mean it.

MEG
Nice to meet you too, Mr. Keko.

BASIL
Please.
Call me ‘Mr. Keko.’

MEG
(to Carrie)
So what’s the scoop?
Have they called with their demands yet?

CARRIE
Not yet.
It’s a power play.
The longer they wait to call,
the more they think they’re in control.

BERNIE
You’re assuming these assholes are that bright.

BASIL
The fuckers ARE in control.
They got my KITTY.

The phone on the table RINGS.
Everybody JUMPS.

Basil looks at Carrie.
She nods.

Turns on the tape recorder.
Basil picks up.
Carefully puts it on speakerphone.

BASIL
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits in a big, ratty
overstuffed wing chair like it’s a throne.

Phone in one hand,
bottle of beer in the other.

Wendy sits on the couch,
timing the call on her watch.

Denny sits next to her,
lighting up the bong.

We see fat lines of white powder
on a mirror in front of Darryl.

DARRYL
Yo, is this the rich dude?
Basil Keko?