Friday, January 3, 2014
Be It Ever So Humble
Hey there, crime kids. TG fucking F. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 15 of LITTLE GIRL BLUE, Carrie and Bernie subdue one of the goons that broke into Carrie's mother's house and grab his walkie talkie, but when they try to call for help, a private security guard answers and doesn't believe them ...
INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - AT THAT MOMENT
Tip is fast asleep. He snores lightly.
The radio SQUAWKS.
BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
Base to Unit Three, come in.
But he’s really sawing wood.
Dead to the world.
BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
BASE TO UNIT THREE, do you COPY?
Tip SNORTS. Must be a great dream.
BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
UNIT THREE, ARE YOU THERE?
He stirs. Opens his eyes.
Looks at the radio.
Reaches over, grabs the transmitter.
This is Unit -- Three. Whassup?
Have a nice nap?
I wasn’t sleeping.
(rubs his eyes)
Is that you, Dick?
You sound -- different.
NO, it’s not DICK.
This is Germaine.
I’m a temp.
Oh. So what’s up?
Got a call. Shots fired.
Sixteen hundred block of Sunset.
Probably a crank, but you should check it out.
It’s Christmas Eve, for Chrissakes.
It’s a crank.
Better check it out.
A stitch in time.
Gee. Thanks for the pearls of wisdom.
I don’t think I like your attitude.
That makes two of us, fella.
He shuts off the radio.
Pissed off. He starts the engine.
Well, that’ll wake you up --
EXT. MARGO’S MANSION - BACK YARD
It’s really coming down now.
Snow drifts everywhere.
The joint is now like a white shroud.
Tolly and Porkpie stand on the ladder,
now up against another window.
Porkpie’s at the top.
Looks down at Tolly.
Try to open it. Slowly.
Don’t make any noise.
Fucking snow. Ladder is slippery.
Hold my ankles, willya?
Tolly does. Porkpie reaches up.
Holds onto the bottom of the window.
Gives it a push. It opens.
Hey. Look what I found under the tree.
So make like Saint Nick
and get the fuck in there.
INT. GUEST ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie and Bernie listen at the connecting door.
She gives him a look that says ‘you hear anything?’
SPLIT SCREEN WITH:
INT. CARRIE’S ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Mick presses his ear against the door.
looks at Bernie. Points.
Mouths 'he’s right there'.
She grabs the doorknob.
Nods with her head toward the room. He nods.
She steps to the side --
and YANKS the door open.
Mick FALLS into the room, BANG.
HITS the floor.
She CRACKS him on the head with her gun.
LEAPS on top of him.
Get his GUN!
Bernie reaches for it,
but Mick THROWS Carrie off.
She FLIES across the room,
hits the wall with a THWUMP.
He WHIRLS AROUND, and PUNCHES
Bernie in the stomach, OOF.
ENRAGED, he stands up.
Points his pistol at Bernie.
Prepare to die, COCKSUCKER.
Carrie comes up behind him,
and BASHES him on the head with a chair. CRACK.
He goes down like a ton of bricks.
Like old times.
Always were a great team.
Carrie sees his walkie talkie on the floor.
She picks it up.
This should come in handy.
(nods at Mick)
What should we do with him?
Tie him up and take him downstairs
where the others can keep an eye on him.
Take him hostage?
I’m an officer of the law,
placing him under arrest.
More like house arrest.
Hey. Be it ever so humble --
INT. GERO’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero lies in bed watching
an old gangster movie on TV.
They’re sure taking their sweet time.
He picks up the phone.
Dials a number. Listens.
Shit. Must be the weather.
Gero gets out of bed.
Pads over to the dresser.
Picks up his walkie talkie.
CLICKS it on.
TOLLY, where the fuck are you?
What’s going on?
You get the broad yet?
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly speaks into his walkie.
Hey, pop. Fucking snowstorm’s a bitch.
But we made it. We’re here.
INT. GUEST BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie holds the walkie. Looks at Bernie.
Hey there, scumbag.
Snowstorm’s a bitch, and SO AM I.
Who the fuck is THAT?
YOU. How’d you get on this line?
Well, let’s see -- Paulie Walnuts is dead,
and we’ve got the Mick tied up in knots.
Why don’t you come join the party?
What the fuck?
Send more men, Pop.
We’re in Beverly Hills, on Sunset Boulevard.
What’s the address?
Shit. I -- left the GPS thing in the car.
Now that’s what I call a well-oiled machine.
Fuck you, bitch.
I’ll call you back later.
When we’ve got some PRIVACY.
He CLICKS off the walkie.
Looks at Porkpie. Pissed off.
Gero shuts off his. Incensed.
Looks at Bernie.
We’ve got a lifeline.
We can call for help.
She switches the frequency.
Punches the TALK button.
Hello, can anyone hear me?
It’s an emergency.
We’re being attacked by intruders --
Hey, you kids -- get off this line,
it’s for emergencies only.
I’m not a kid, this is for real.
Yeah, right -- ho, ho, ho.
IN THE MASTER BEDROOM
Tolly and Porkpie huddle.
You check the rest of the rooms on this floor.
I’ll go downstairs.
That fucking bitch
is so close I can smell her.
Really? You can smell her?
It’s an expression, you idiot.
C’mon, move it.
They start for the door.
IN THE STUDY
Seth, Blue, Eva and Layla watch Margo sleep.
You can thank the Polytechnic Institute of Berlin.
What do you think’s going on upstairs?
I don’t know.
Margo opens her eyes.
Looks dazed. A weak smile.
Well, isn’t this a lovely reunion.
Mom. How do you feel?
Just -- fabulous.
For some reason I feel like --
listening to the Grateful Dead.
(looks at Eva)
Eva. How wonderful to see you.
You’re looking lovely as usual.
Everyone exchanges glances.
Sometimes the combination of medications
can strip away the patient’s inhibitions.
A soft THUMP outside the door.
What was that?
He walks over to the door.
Puts his ear against it. Listens.
Someone’s out there.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FRONT DRIVE - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero and TWO GOONS stand in the driveway.
His LIMO pulls up in front of them.
They get in. It pulls away.
INT. LIMOUSINE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Gero sits in the back, with who we
now recognize as Strange-Looking Goon
and Ugly Goon from the party.
Where to, sir?
Go down to Sunset and turn right.
I’ll let you know when we get there.
IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM
Carrie argues with Tip on the walkie talkie.
Now listen to me, asshole.
This is for REAL.
I’m a private detective, and a FORMER COP.
I need you to call the REAL COPS,
and send a couple units over here.
I’m here with my family,
and we’re BEING ATTACKED by INTRUDERS.
Put down the walkie, NOW.
Walks into the room.
Gun on Carrie.
She DROPS it. CLANK.
Bernie WHIPS out his gun.
Points it at Porkpie.
You shoot and you’re DEAD.
You shoot and SHE’S dead.
Fellas, fellas -- let’s calm down here.
INT. TIP’S SECURITY VEHICLE - AT THAT MOMENT
He listens to the walkie. Presses ‘talk.’
Hello, are you still there?
I believe you, I believe you --
I need your address.
He puts down the walkie.
Picks up his cell phone.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.
911? I’d like to report a crime in progress.
A home invasion.
Yes, I’ll hold --