Be It Ever So Humble

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In Chapter 15 of LITTLE GIRL BLUE, Carrie and Bernie subdue one of the goons that broke into Carrie's mother's house and grab his walkie talkie, but when they try to call for help, a private security guard answers and doesn't believe them ...


INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - AT THAT MOMENT
Tip is fast asleep. He snores lightly.
The radio SQUAWKS.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
Base to Unit Three, come in.

But he’s really sawing wood.
Dead to the world.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
BASE TO UNIT THREE, do you COPY?

Tip SNORTS. Must be a great dream.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
UNIT THREE, ARE YOU THERE?

He stirs. Opens his eyes.
Looks at the radio.
Reaches over, grabs the transmitter.

TIP
This is Unit -- Three. Whassup?

BITCHY DISPATCHER
Have a nice nap?

TIP
I wasn’t sleeping.
(rubs his eyes)
Is that you, Dick?
You sound -- different.

BITCHY DISPATCHER
NO, it’s not DICK.
This is Germaine.

TIP
Gare-main?

GERMAINE
I’m a temp.

TIP
Oh. So what’s up?

GERMAINE
Got a call. Shots fired.
Sixteen hundred block of Sunset.
Probably a crank, but you should check it out.

TIP
It’s Christmas Eve, for Chrissakes.
It’s a crank.

GERMAINE
Better check it out.
A stitch in time.

TIP
Gee. Thanks for the pearls of wisdom.

GERMAINE
I don’t think I like your attitude.

TIP
That makes two of us, fella.

GERMAINE
Asshole.

TIP
FREAK.

He shuts off the radio.
Pissed off. He starts the engine.

TIP
Well, that’ll wake you up --

EXT. MARGO’S MANSION - BACK YARD
It’s really coming down now.
Snow drifts everywhere.
The joint is now like a white shroud.

Tolly and Porkpie stand on the ladder,
now up against another window.

Porkpie’s at the top.
Looks down at Tolly.

TOLLY
Try to open it. Slowly.
Don’t make any noise.

PORKPIE
Fucking snow. Ladder is slippery.
Hold my ankles, willya?

Tolly does. Porkpie reaches up.
Holds onto the bottom of the window.
Gives it a push. It opens.

PORKPIE
Hey. Look what I found under the tree.

TOLLY
So make like Saint Nick
and get the fuck in there.

INT. GUEST ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie and Bernie listen at the connecting door.
She gives him a look that says ‘you hear anything?’
Bernie shrugs.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. CARRIE’S ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Mick presses his ear against the door.
Breathing heavily.

CARRIE
looks at Bernie. Points.
Mouths 'he’s right there'.

She grabs the doorknob.
Nods with her head toward the room. He nods.

She steps to the side --
and YANKS the door open.

Mick FALLS into the room, BANG.
HITS the floor.

She CRACKS him on the head with her gun.
LEAPS on top of him.

CARRIE
Get his GUN!

Bernie reaches for it,
but Mick THROWS Carrie off.

She FLIES across the room,
hits the wall with a THWUMP.

He WHIRLS AROUND, and PUNCHES
Bernie in the stomach, OOF.

ENRAGED, he stands up.
Points his pistol at Bernie.

MICK
Prepare to die, COCKSUCKER.

Carrie comes up behind him,
and BASHES him on the head with a chair. CRACK.
He goes down like a ton of bricks.

BERNIE
Like old times.

CARRIE
Always were a great team.

Carrie sees his walkie talkie on the floor.
She picks it up.

CARRIE
This should come in handy.
(nods at Mick)
What should we do with him?

BERNIE
Tie him up and take him downstairs
where the others can keep an eye on him.

CARRIE
Take him hostage?

BERNIE
I’m an officer of the law,
placing him under arrest.

CARRIE
More like house arrest.

BERNIE
Hey. Be it ever so humble --

INT. GERO’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero lies in bed watching
an old gangster movie on TV.

GERO
They’re sure taking their sweet time.

He picks up the phone.
Dials a number. Listens.

GERO
Shit. Must be the weather.

Gero gets out of bed.
Pads over to the dresser.

Picks up his walkie talkie.
CLICKS it on.

GERO
TOLLY, where the fuck are you?
What’s going on?
You get the broad yet?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly speaks into his walkie.

TOLLY
Hey, pop. Fucking snowstorm’s a bitch.
But we made it. We’re here.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie holds the walkie. Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE
Hey there, scumbag.
Snowstorm’s a bitch, and SO AM I.

GERO
Who the fuck is THAT?

TOLLY
YOU. How’d you get on this line?

CARRIE
Well, let’s see -- Paulie Walnuts is dead,
and we’ve got the Mick tied up in knots.
Why don’t you come join the party?

GERO
What the fuck?

TOLLY
Send more men, Pop.
We’re in Beverly Hills, on Sunset Boulevard.

GERO
What’s the address?

TOLLY
Shit. I -- left the GPS thing in the car.

CARRIE
Now that’s what I call a well-oiled machine.

TOLLY
Fuck you, bitch.
(to Gero)
I’ll call you back later.
When we’ve got some PRIVACY.

He CLICKS off the walkie.
Looks at Porkpie. Pissed off.
Gero shuts off his. Incensed.

CARRIE
Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE
We’ve got a lifeline.
We can call for help.

She switches the frequency.
Punches the TALK button.

CARRIE
Hello, can anyone hear me?
It’s an emergency.
We’re being attacked by intruders --

TIP (O.C.)
Hey, you kids -- get off this line,
it’s for emergencies only.

CARRIE
I’m not a kid, this is for real.

TIP (O.C.)
Yeah, right -- ho, ho, ho.

IN THE MASTER BEDROOM
Tolly and Porkpie huddle.

TOLLY
You check the rest of the rooms on this floor.
I’ll go downstairs.
That fucking bitch
is so close I can smell her.

PORKPIE
Okay.
(beat)
Really? You can smell her?

TOLLY
It’s an expression, you idiot.
C’mon, move it.

They start for the door.

IN THE STUDY
Seth, Blue, Eva and Layla watch Margo sleep.

LAYLA
It’s working.

EVA
You can thank the Polytechnic Institute of Berlin.

BLUE
(to Seth)
What do you think’s going on upstairs?

SETH
I don’t know.

Margo opens her eyes.
Looks dazed. A weak smile.

MARGO
Well, isn’t this a lovely reunion.

BLUE
Mom. How do you feel?

MARGO
Just -- fabulous.
For some reason I feel like --
listening to the Grateful Dead.
(looks at Eva)
Eva. How wonderful to see you.
You’re looking lovely as usual.

Everyone exchanges glances.

EVA
Sometimes the combination of medications
can strip away the patient’s inhibitions.

A soft THUMP outside the door.

SETH
What was that?

He walks over to the door.
Puts his ear against it. Listens.

SETH
Someone’s out there.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FRONT DRIVE - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero and TWO GOONS stand in the driveway.

His LIMO pulls up in front of them.
They get in. It pulls away.

INT. LIMOUSINE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Gero sits in the back, with who we
now recognize as Strange-Looking Goon
and Ugly Goon from the party.

DRIVER
Where to, sir?

GERO
Go down to Sunset and turn right.
I’ll let you know when we get there.

IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM
Carrie argues with Tip on the walkie talkie.

CARRIE
Now listen to me, asshole.
This is for REAL.
I’m a private detective, and a FORMER COP.
I need you to call the REAL COPS,
and send a couple units over here.
I’m here with my family,
and we’re BEING ATTACKED by INTRUDERS.

PORKPIE (O.C.)
Put down the walkie, NOW.

PORKPIE
Walks into the room.
Gun on Carrie.
She DROPS it. CLANK.

Bernie WHIPS out his gun.
Points it at Porkpie.

BERNIE
You shoot and you’re DEAD.

PORKPIE
You shoot and SHE’S dead.

CARRIE
Fellas, fellas -- let’s calm down here.

INT. TIP’S SECURITY VEHICLE - AT THAT MOMENT
He listens to the walkie. Presses ‘talk.’

TIP
Hello, are you still there?
I believe you, I believe you --
I need your address.
(listens)
Hello?
(beat)
Shit.

He puts down the walkie.
Picks up his cell phone.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.

TIP
911? I’d like to report a crime in progress.
(beat)
A home invasion.
(beat)
Yes, I’ll hold --