Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Pet Sematary


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, police chief Larry Lipshitz plays a gruesome tape made by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty for the homicide detectives which turns more than their stomachs ...


INT. POLICE STATION - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - NIGHT
Bernie sits across from Larry’s desk.
A half-dozen HOMICIDE DETECTIVES stand
around, chatting, drinking coffee.

Lipshitz looks like shit,
eyes hollow sockets.

He pulls out a brown bottle.
Pours some into his coffee. Takes a sip.

LIPSHITZ
(to Bernie)
My wife was crying last night,
couldn’t get any sleep,
we were up all night --
(beat)
We gotta get this -- succubus, Bernie.

KEKO
I’m there like white on rice, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Thanks for the banality, Bernie.
It’s oddly comforting.
(looks around)
Alright, everybody listen up.
We got another tape.
(beat)
Actually, it’s a CD.
The killer’s gone digital.

WISEASS DETECTIVE
Let’s hear it,
I’m getting a chubby already.

LIPSHITZ
Shut the fuck up MacDonald, you prick.
You think this is funny?

MACDONALD
No, sir -- I was just trying to lighten the mood.
They say that humour during a time of crisis --

KEKO
Why don’t you go to the morgue, MacDonald,
get laid, and leave us to the detecting.

MACDONALD
Fuck you, Keko -- you’re just pissed off
cause your wife went bearded clam-digging.
(bad Brit accent)
Shall we shag-carpet-munch now,
or should we shag-carpet munch later?

The detectives chuckle.

LIPSHITZ
SHUT UP.

Silence.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Now pay attention -- this one’s a doozy.

He goes to a boombox, punches a button.
The sexy coo of Donna Summer’s
LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY oozes into the room.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Dammit.

COLACCHIO
Love the gay disco, chief.
Somethin’ you wanna tell us?

LIPSHITZ
Fuck you. It’s my daughter’s --
(changes CDs)
Okay. Now everybody shut the fuck up.

Lipshitz hits the ‘play’ button.
The Ramones come on, the catchy
pop-punk of PET SEMATARY.

JOEY RAMONE
(singing)
I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery, I don’t
want to live my life again --

The music fades, and we hear --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
(sings along)
And the night when the wolves cry out,
listen careful, and you can hear me shout --
I don’t I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery --
(giggles)
Thanks for tuning in.
It’s time to par-tay, dog-gone it.
(laughs)
Damn, I crack myself up. Gotta watch that.
A shredded corpse is no laughing matter,
isn’t that right, awficer?
(sings)
Hey, officer Krupke,
I feel pretty, oh so pretty --

KEKO
Broad babbles more than Courtney Love on crank.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Paramount Pictures released PET SEMATARY
in 1988, a solid base hit.
The ten million dollar budget was well spent,
considering that it grossed
twenty-five million domestically --
and that’s not counting
international and ancillary revenues.
(beat)
Steven King doesn’t consider it to be
a good adaptation of his novel,
since the director went with
a semi-comedic tone, which hurts
the scare factor, I must say.
(beat)
But still, it’s good, clean, sick fun.
A personal fave. Two thumbs up my vag,
thas’ fah shure.
(beat)
Today’s installation is an example of
what happens when a petty little dog turd
uses his power over people.
Well, this is the end of the line,
chopping down the family cherry tree, bub.
Buster Hymen time.
(spooky)
Don’t forget -- to spay and neuter your pet.

Then, the sickly sound of a knife
making rapid puncture wounds --
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK.

A chill runs through the room.
Keko leans forward, in shock.

LIPSHITZ
Here’s where it really gets good --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Film is a collaborative art --
but since I’m an orphan,
I need parenting, guidance.
A firm, loving hand to --
to stop me before I --
(beat)
I’ve got my adoption papers.
Can the 42nd Precinct’s golden couple
save me before the end of the third act?

KEKO
Holy shit.

LIPSHITZ
Whaddaya think, Daddy?

KEKO
I think -- I gotta go find Carrie.

LIPSHITZ
First go take a look at the body.
And brace yourself. Crime scene tech
still can’t keep anything down.

PUSH IN on Bernie’s face.
Not excited.

Monday, July 24, 2017

The Big Guns


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love gets some 'assistance' form a former flame. Meanwhile, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty toys with her latest victim ...


EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
From a distance we see Dina
chatting with her GUCCI ATTORNEY.
Definitely the 'big guns.'

CARRIE
charges outside, muttering to herself.

CARRIE
Why don’t you just whip them out,
see who’s got the bigger --

She sees Dina. Stops.

The brunette beauty and
her lawyer shake hands.
He leaves.

Dina sees Carrie.
Turns, briskly goes to her car.

CARRIE
turns around. Sprints off toward --

A SURVEILLANCE SUV
A tricked-out monstrosity
with blackened windows.

Carrie RAPS a drumbeat. Then again.
The door opens with a PFFUT, and --

Out pops ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy bullet of a woman
stuffed into a leather catsuit.

Armed to the gills.
Packing, too.

ILONA
Hey there, spitfire.
What’cha got on the grill?

CARRIE
I need to borrow your van.
(pulls out wad of cash)
Rent it, actually.
I’m on hiatus.

ILONA
I told you, it’s not a van,
it’s a fuckin’ SUV, girlfren --
got eight cylinders, microwave DSL,
heat-seaking stealth mikes.
This is the law enforcement shit,
lady dick.

CARRIE
Please accept my profuse apologies --
(ton of subtext)
Ilona.

ILONA
Put away the bankroll.
I’m driving.

CARRIE
This could be dangerous, Lona.

ILONA
Yeah, right. That’s what you said
that night on the beach in San Juan.

CARRIE
Don’t remind me.
I’m still having lower back problems.

EXT. 'THE INTERNATIONAL' MOTEL - NIGHT
Flags from around the world
painted on a cinder block bunker.
Behind a gas station in 'The Hood.’

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The HIPSTER VIDEO CLERK
is in a human-size dog costume,
tied up with electrical tape on the couch.

The head sits nearby.
Sparkle fastens a ball gag in his mouth.

SPARKLE
Good boy, that’s a good boy.
Now we’re gonna play a few tricks.

The clerk jerks up, stands.
Fights against his restraints.

Sparkle WHACKS him on the ass
with a wooden paddle.

SPARKLE
(whacks on each 'bad')
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad -- boy!
No treats for you!
(WHACK)
I told Mama not to get
a stray from the pound.

She pulls out a huge, gleaming,
hooked fish-gutting knife.

SPARKLE
Now look what you’re making me do.

The boy’s eyes flash frightened tears.

SPARKLE
I know, it makes me cry when
we have to put doggie to sleep --

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Tough Toenails


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty visits her local video rental store, looking for inspiration for her next murder ...


INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles.
Home at last.

A SIGN
reads CULT.

SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.

THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.

SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.

ANOTHER VIDEO
reads THE HONEYMOON KILLERS.

SPARKLE
rolls her eyes. As if.

SPARKLE
Kitch me with a spoon.

DISSOLVE TO:
Movie art.
Shimmering with light.
PET SEMATARY.

Sparkle hugs it to her chest.
Absolutely delighted.

SPARKLE
See Spot. See Spot run.
(beat)
See Spot’s brains
splattered in the street.

AT THE COUNTER
A snotty, HIPSTER CLERK
looks at Sparkle’s selections.

HIPSTER CLERK
'Pet Sematary.' Funny movie.
Props to Mary Lambert.

SPARKLE
(weird smile)
Watch it, bub.
Comedy isn’t pretty.
It can kill ya.

HIPSTER CLERK
(looks at the register)
You’re, uh -- credit card declined.

SPARKLE
No way. Do it again.
Machine’s fucked up.

HIPSTER CLERK
I’ve tried it twice, doll.
You’re maxed.
Tough toenails.

Excuse me?

SPARKLE
(too nice)
Well then, you have a --
great day, there, Mister.

EXT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle lies in wait in the
rear alley behind a dumpster.

SPARKLE
We guarantee.
You’ll go home happy.

The back door opens.
Out walks Mr. Cool.

Sparkle JUMPS him.
JABS a STUN GUN to his neck.

SPARKLE
I wanna talk to you about
your late return policy.

And the clerk hits the ground, THWUNK.

Friday, July 14, 2017

The Killer Insider Her


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty toys with her latest victim, porn director Bruce Ball. Meanwhile, after homicide dick Carrie love illegally interrogates Ball's producer Dina Daerr, police chief Larry Lipshitz suspends her ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Bruce lies in the tub,
trussed up like a pig on a spit.

He moans.
Sparkle leans over,
blows him a kiss.

SPARKLE
Playing with you is like
eating a box of chocolates.
(beat)
Afterwards you gotta stick
your fingers down your throat.
(beat)
Now don’t move a muscle,
Mr. Murder victim.
I want you to stay right
here while I go shopping.
I’m gonna bring home a big surprise.

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - EXIT - NIGHT
Larry chases after Carrie and Bernie.

LIPSHITZ
I hate surprises, Legs.
Tell me what she said.

CARRIE
(pushes the door open)
We can’t tell you yet, Lare --
don’t want to let the
cat out of her pants.
But I promise, when I do --
you’ll be the first to know.

KEKO
(blocks the door)
She’s lying, Carrie.
You’re so full of shit
it makes my head spin.
(to Larry)
We got bupkiss, chief.

CARRIE
'Bupkiss?' Nice vocabulary.
Get the fuck out of my way.

KEKO
Nice mouth. Officer.
(to Larry)
She promised Miss Range Rover immunity --
and all she did was give up her boss.

CARRIE
I’ll give you something if
you don’t get out of my way.

LIPSHITZ
Stop right where you are, you two.
You’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

CARRIE
The Ricky Ricardo routine
isn’t gonna work this time, chief.
Just let me do my job.
Don’t I always get results?

Pause.

LIPSHITZ
I like you Carrie, I really like you.
In spite of your attitude, your insults,
your total disregard for procedure --
I like you.
(beat)
That’s why this kills me.
But I’m afraid I’m going to have to
ask for your badge and your gun.
You’re suspended for a week.

CARRIE
What?

KEKO
Yes!

CARRIE
You’re suspending me?

LIPSHITZ
Like a Catholic girl who’s been caught
with her hand in the cookie puss.
(beat)
Your badge and your gun, Carrie. Please.

She bitterly, painfully -- hands them over.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
You wanna know what the straw was
that bent the camel’s dick?

CARRIE
To be honest with you, Lare --
I could really give a shit.
There’s a copycat serial killer
working her way through
the hot 100 movie murders --
and you’re gonna take
me out of the game?

LIPSHITZ
Consider it a seventh-inning stretch.
(beat)
Daerr’s lawyer hit the roof.
You kept the ice princess
in a holding cell for an hour --
and then an interrogation room for three.
Without counsel. A phone call.
Or a trip to the fucking head.
When the shyster finally got to her,
after her father called him --
she’d wet her pants.

KEKO
That’s a shame.
Those were nice pants.

CARRIE
I was trying a new strategy.

KEKO
Nicotine withdrawal’s a bitch.
And so are you.

LIPSHITZ
Do you know who the fuck
her father is?

CARRIE
Some rich asshole?

LIPSHITZ
Think dinosaurs.
Feel-good concentration camp comedies.
Cuddly, sexless aliens.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Light bulb flickering.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Stump The Chick


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty tortures wannabe film director Bruce Ball in a sleazy motel bathroom. Meanwhile, homicide dick Carrie Love interrogates Bruce's 'producer' Dina Daerr ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
Some perverse Serge Gainsbourg 60’s
go-go groove over --

Bruce Ball gagged and handcuffed
under a SCALDING HOT SHOWER.

Twisting and turning in agony
in a cloud of steam.

Sparkle talks into a microcassette
in her glitter-nailed fist.

In the other, a big,
shiny BUTCHER KNIFE.

SPARKLE
PSYCHO was released by
Universal Pictures in 1960.
It made forty-million at the box office,
a big hit back then, especially for
a black and white picture.
It made a star out of Tony Perkins --
and gave us the Bates Motel,
where check-out time is for good.

A muffled SCREAM under the duct tape.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
And that’s our victim.
A petty, immature little man
with a big mouth.
Someone who looks at women
as objects -- not as people.

A loud KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.

ISRAELI MANAGER (O.S.)
Miss Plenty!
Turn yo-ur museek down!
I’m not goink to tell yoo again!

AT THE DOOR
she opens it a crack
against the tiny chain.

SPARKLE
Oh gosh, I’m sorry Mr. Shlomo --
I guess I got that disco fever again.
I’ll keep it down, I promise.

ISRAELI MANAGER (O.S.)
Yoo better!
Else yoo have to leave, yoo hear me?
Yoo play that weird music, too loud,
alla time, too loud!

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Dina sits alone at a table.
She picks up a pack of smokes.
Empty. SLAPS them down.

CARRIE (O.S.)
She’s going nuts by now.
It’s been three hours.

KEKO (O.S.)
Withholding nicotine.
Don’t remember learning
that one at the Academy.

Dina stands.
Walks over to mirror
filling the opposite wall.

Regards her reflection.
Adjusts her hair.

DINA
(to the mirror)
I know you’re back there.
I want my lawyer.
This is unconstitutional.

BEHIND THE MIRROR
in the darkness backlit
by the interrogation lamps --

KEKO
You hear that?
Lipshitz is gonna
pass a kidney stone.
We can’t just hold her
and not question her.

CARRIE
(looks at her watch)
Yes we can.
She’s gonna spill her guts
faster than a horny heiress
on a Barbara Walters special.
(beat, to the door)
C’mon -- let’s play stump the chick.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie lights a smoke,
takes a deep drag.
Exhales. Smiles.

CARRIE
You’re full of crap.
Someone killed Miss Runner-Up,
wanted to kill you --
and we both know who it was.
I’ve heard of loyalty to your boss --
but this is bordering on the domestic.

DINA
Bruce didn’t do it.
This white trash Paris Hilton --

KEKO
-- Just wandered in,
killed your actress,
and hung you up like a pinata
while Zalman King made his getaway?

DINA
Fuck you. I want to call my lawyer.

Carrie shakes out a smoke.
Teases her with it.

CARRIE
Shhhhh. Don’t worry.
I know you’re innocent.
I can smell it.
(holds it up to her nose)
Mmm. Even better after sex --

Something passes between them.

Dina GRABS the Marlboro.
Carrie lights it.

DINA
You promise me immunity?
Cut me a deal?

CARRIE
Is Lindsay Lohan back on Rodeo Drive?

DINA
Okay. Okay. Okay.
(takes a drag, orgasmic)
We were supposed to be
shooting a fake snuff film,
Bruce said we were using blanks,
but what he didn’t tell me was --

Monday, July 10, 2017

The Silence Of The Clams


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Carrie Love and Bernie Keko search wannabe director Bruce Ball's underground 'production studio,' and discover unspeakable acts of depravity ...


EXT. BALL’S PRODUCTION OFFICE - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Carrie and Bernie get out of their cars.
SLAM the doors.

CARRIE
And here we are.
The House of Mirth.

KEKO
It looks so -- suburban.

They walk to the door.
Carrie RINGS the doorbell.

KEKO (CONT'D)
I wish we had a warrant.

CARRIE
(rings again)
Fuck the warrant.
We’re going in.

They look at the door.
No response.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
(pushes the door open)
C’mon, maybe we can catch
the little shit in the act.

INT. BALL’S PRODUCTION OFFICE - BASEMENT STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
Twin flashlights sweep
across the darkness.

Carrie and Bernie creep
down the wooden steps.

CARRIE
Little perverts’ got
quite a setup goin’ on here.

KEKO
Think this guy saw
'Silence of the Lambs?'

CARRIE
Found it.

The lights SNAP ON.

KEKO
Holy fuck.

IN THE CORNER
is the dead MODEL,
still in her chair.
A bloody puppet.

A clapboard on her lap reads
52 PICK-UP. DELETED SCENE.

CARRIE (O.S.)
I think I’m gonna be sick.

KEKO (O.S.)
Fuck, there’s another one.

IN THE OPPOSITE CORNER
Dina dangles from a noose.
Dressed like a cheerleader.

Eyes closed forever.
And the poor baby wet her pants.

A clapboard on her waist
reads HEATHERS. BLOOPER REEL.

CARRIE’S
lips quiver. Livid.
About to explode.

CARRIE
Of all the twisted --
fucked up -- depraved --

KEKO
The killer’s one hell of a freak.

CARRIE
This goes way beyond that.
She thinks she’s creating -- art.

Carrie goes to the
gently swinging body.

KEKO
Don’t touch her.
She’s evidence.

But she does.
And flinches.

CARRIE
And still warm.

KEKO
Check her pulse.

Dina’s eyes SNAP open.

DINA
My pulse is fine.
But my neck is
fucking killing me.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Club Fuck


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide cop Carrie Love spars with her ex, detective Bernie Keko about the case their working, then has a day dream about the mystery woman he just met on a porn shoot ...


EXT./INT. CARRIE’S PORCHE - DAY
The ‘61 coupe whizzes around
curves on Sunset Boulevard.

CARRIE
(on cell phone)
I’ve got a score
to settle with him,
the little fucker.
I can’t wait to --

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT./INT. BERNIE’S LINCOLN SUV - CONTINUOUS

KEKO
(on cell phone)
What? Rough him up a little?
Punch out his lights?
Do the tough girl,
macho cop thing
you do so well?

CARRIE
I seem to remember a time
you liked the tough girl,
macho cop thing.
Used to beg me for it.

KEKO
That was the problem,
Carrie -- having to beg.

CARRIE
Well, you know what they
say about passion, bucko.
(beat)
Sometimes you feel like nuts --
sometimes you don’t.

CLOSE ON --
Carrie’s face.

She smiles mysteriously,
goes off somewhere.
Remembering --

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DRIVEWAY - FLASHBACK - DAY
Carrie stands at her car.
Opens the door. Slides in.

LAURA (O.S.)
So you’re going to leave
without saying goodbye.

LAURA
stands in front of the house
at the top of the steps.

Mock-hurt. Insinuating.
Hands on hips.

CARRIE
turns, looks. Gulp.

CARRIE
(heart beating wildly)
I was looking for you,
but you were -- you were --

Suddenly Laura’s right beside her.

LAURA
Working?

CARRIE
Uh -- yeah.

Laura leans into the
car window. Inches away.

LAURA
I’m going to Club Fuck tonight.
I’ll be with a date,
but it’s a ruse.
(beat)
Doing anything tonight?