Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Nightstick Games


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, sparks fly when undercover cop Carrie Love penetrates the scene at an adult film shoot, where she runs into the impossibly gorgeous porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DAY
Carrie stands at the front door.
Regards the opulence.

She looks smokin’ in a halter,
cutoffs and platform sandals.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My contact’s name was Zette Duquesne.
She was a nice girl, came
from a rich French family,
descended from royalty.
Until she was busted with a
shitload of coke driving naked
on Mulholland Drive at five AM.
(beat)
Of course, I didn’t know that
the night I picked her up at Girl Bar.
Didn’t know she worked
in the porn industry, either.
No wonder she asked if I had handcuffs.
(beat)
Lucky for me I never told her I was a cop.
Wasn’t in the mood for nightstick games.
Just wanted plain, French vanilla, thank you.

INT. MANSION - FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Laura stands at her mark in a
cheap Chanel knock-off that
flies off her curves.
Studies her lines.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was one of those moments
that only happen a couple
of times in your life.
If you’re lucky.
All of a sudden I was
face to face with the most
incredibly stunning creature
I’d ever seen.

LAURA
(off the script, without feeling)
'Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge.
I don’t think I can take it all.'
(closes her eyes, memorizing)
'Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge -- '

Carrie watches. Stopped in her tracks.

LAURA (CONT'D)
Fuck.

CARRIE
(stupid smile)
'I don’t think I can take it all.'

LAURA
(opens eyes)
What?

CARRIE
The rest of the line.

LAURA
Oh. Right.

They both stare.

CARRIE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
I was just passing through --

Chemistry percolates.
A clock CHIMES somewhere.

LAURA
You’re -- visiting someone?

CARRIE
(trying to be casual, not successful)
Yeah, uh -- Zette, the make up girl?

LAURA
(intense smile)
So you’re 'Legs.'

CARRIE
(blushing)
Uh, yeah. Actually, it’s -- Carrie.

LAURA
I see why.

CARRIE
I’m sorry?

Klaus charges in.

KLAUS
Laura, there you are.
We’re ready to do the, uh --
strap-on thing.

LAURA
Oh, alright. If you insist.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs.
(a whisper)
I need to have a word with you -- later.

CARRIE
Uh, yeah --sure thing.
(beat)
A -- word.
(beat)
Later --

Monday, June 19, 2017

Good Night, Flat Foot


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of DAZED BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, after blowing up her parents' trailer and running away from home, underaged beauty pageant wannabe Sparkle Plenty checks into the The Farmer's Daughter motel in Hollywood. Meanwhile, homicide detective Carrie Love spars with her ex, fellow dick Bernie Keko as the prepares to undercover on a porn shoot ...


EXT. THE FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - NIGHT
Beyond crappy. Behind a plexiglass box,
the FAT ASIAN CLERK (30)
regards a filthy Sparkle warily.

SPARKLE
Hey there, hot stuff.
How much is it?

FAT ASIAN CLERK
For the night or for the hour?

SPARKLE
Don’t make me laugh, ton o’ wonton.
I bet the Chamber of Commerce
would love to hear how you greet
a tired visitor to this wondrous city.

Spooked, he slides over the registration.
She fills it out.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
It’s thirty-nine dollars
a night, in advance.
No cooking, no guests, no pets.
You can use the pool, but after
eight we’re not responsible.
Read the sign.

She hands him the card
and some cash.

FAT ASIAN CLERK (CONT’D)
Check out time is eleven.
No exceptions.

SPARKLE
All I need is soap and water
and fresh towels.
(takes key, turns to leave)
Thanks -- grasshopper.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
(reads the card)
Your name is -- Sparkle Plenty?

SPARKLE
You don’t want to know
what they named my brother.
(beat, weird smile)
G’night, flat-top.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - NIGHT
Carrie strides out the front door,
Bernie right behind her.

CARRIE
Good night, flat-foot.

KEKO
I’m coming with you.

CARRIE
No you’re not.
(reaches her car, opens the door)
If I’m gonna get in there,
I gotta be alone.
(jumps in, slams it shut)
And I certainly don’t wanna be
seen on the set with my ex.
Hampers the getting laid quotient.

She GUNS the engine.
Bernie races around
to the passenger side,
tries the door. Locked.

KEKO
Open the door, you --

Carrie cracks the window.

CARRIE
You had your shot, Bernie,
and it fucking kills you that
I defected to the other side.
And now it’s interfering with
your judgement at work.
Go do something --
check the crime scene,
get a burger, jerk off, I don’t care.
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got to pick up my HIV test --
(beat)
Can’t get on set without it.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Learning The Ropes


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dick Carrie Love tangles with fellow cop Bernie Keko, her ex-husband when they're both assigned to the same case and have to question a suspect ... on the set of a porn shoot.


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - SQUAD ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Carrie’s being grilled by
homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s),
Armenian, good-looking on a budget,
an angry Russell Crowe-type.
With a sense of humor.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my soon-to-be ex-husband Bernie.
A decent guy -- when he’s not being a
stubborn, jealous mass
of insecure testosterone.

CLOSE ON --
Bernie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t really blame him, though.
Imagine how you would feel
if you found out your woman
was leaving you -- for another woman.
(beat)
Bad example. Half of you
probably just got aroused.

KEKO
You’re drinking on duty again, Legs.
You smell like you went down on Jim Beam.
And that’s the third vehicle
you’ve trashed this month.
You’ve used up all
your second chances, babe.
Lipshitz is gonna can that
tight little ass of yours.

CARRIE
Hey, it’s not gonna be believable if
my breath smells like fucking Aquafresh.
It’s called undercover, hello?
I can’t sit there sucking on
a wheat grass smoothie, for chrissakes. And as for the car, I was chasing a perp. Can I help it if Venice Beach is so treacherous? In case you didn’t notice -- I got the collar!

Police chief LARRY LIPSHITZ (50s) strolls in.
Weary. Seen it all. Small and round.
In a perfect universe -- Danny DeVito.

LIPSHITZ
You two. I could hear you all
the way down the hall in the can.
(beat)
Only place I can get
any peace around here.

KEKO
She started it.

CARRIE
Don’t look at me, chief -- I’m just
kneeling at the altar of Sipowitz here.

LIPSHITZ
Bernie, you gotta grieving widow
waiting for you upstairs.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs --
you’re off the homeless thing.

CARRIE
What? You can’t --

KEKO
(grins, starts toward the door)
I told you --

CARRIE
But I almost have that fucker.

LIPSHITZ
I’m putting you on the
copycat movie killer thing.

KEKO
(stops, whirls around)
Hey, that’s my case.

CARRIE
Yeah, that’s his case.

LIPSHITZ
Correction, it’s both your case’s now.
We’ve got three more bodies
sprayed like chunks in sauce
on a porn soundstage in the valley.
The press is having a fucking field day --
and the commissioner is so far up my ass,
my prostrate is deciding on a bridal registry.
We need someone on the inside.
(off Carrie’s look)
Pun intended.

CARRIE
On the inside where? A porn shoot?

LIPSHITZ
Yeah. Ilona found a guy on the ‘net
that shoots amateur videos --
and what look like fake snuff films.
Remember Bruce Ball? The guy you were
after last year on that S&M reality show thing?
We think he might be the perp.
(beat)
And Duquesne says he just
started principal photography.

CARRIE
And, what -- you want me to spread my legs
for truth, justice and the eight-o’clock news?

KEKO
Why do you think they call you a peace officer?

CARRIE
You expecting the lame ‘undercover’ joke?
(to Larry)
I’ll go get waxed right away.

KEKO
Larry, we went over this.
I’m going undercover.
Do my Dirk Diggler thing.

LIPSHITZ
I don’t think you can -- pull it off.

KEKO
Pull it off? Pull it off?
Are you casting aspersions on
my -- swordsmanship?

LIPSHITZ
It’s an all-girl flick, Bernie.
(beat)
Light bondage.

CARRIE
Cool.

KEKO
(eyes light up)
All girls?

CARRIE
What’s the title?

LIPSHITZ
'Learning the Ropes.' Catchy, huh.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face. Raring to go.

CARRIE
I certainly hope so --

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Indigo Eyes


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, wannabe filmmaker Bruce Ball shows up for his first day on set ... for an 'adult film,' where we meet porn star Laura Lang. Meanwhile, patrol officer Carrie Love squeezes off a few rounds at the shooting range ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - AT THE SAME TIME
A glossy monstrosity flying
out over a cliff on stilts.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bizarrely chipper German
synth-pop percolates over --

A porn shoot in full swing.
GRIPS, CREW, ‘TALENT.’

A pair of pneumatic BLONDES
do hot things with an ice sculpture.

The director is KLAUS SPEER (50s),
an Icabod Crane of a decayed
Jeremy Irons on Prozac.

He stares at Bruce Ball,
working as the DP quizzically.
Lights up a red Sherman’s.

BRUCE
(offers his camcorder)
I said, wanna take a peek?

KLAUS
Like I wanna see ze close up
of Cherry’s butt-hole.

CHERRY
(stops the action, turns)
I heard that.

INT. UPSTAIRS - MASTER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LAURA LANG (25), blonde,
impossibly Brit-beautiful.

Indigo eyes burn with mischief.
Cruel lips sneer with promises.

Right now she’s reading SKIN TWO,
a glossy fetish magazine
while her face is painted.

LAURA
Cherry Sunday is a filthy cunt.
(sees a picture)
C’or, look at that.
That’d be so fuckin’ hot on me.

Makeup artist ZETTE DUQUESNE (28),
a French, raven-haired martini
poured into a leather goblet,
looks, smiles grimly.

ZETTE
How in ze hell you
suppose to go pee-pee?

LAURA
Darling.
That’s the whole point.

INT. FIRING RANGE - DAY
Carrie assumes the stance.
Untouchable in leather and denim.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Some women own a vibrator.

She SQUEEZES off a flurry of SHOTS --
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

CARRIE (V.O.)
And others prefer something stronger.

A silky SWAT TEAM BABE
takes position in the next stall.

Turns her head.
WINKS at Carrie.
Starts SHOOTING.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Me. I prefer Classic Coke.

She aims. Breathes. And --

CARRIE (V.O.)
With a lot of rum.
On the beach.
In a tall glass
of something brunette.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Monday, June 12, 2017

Trouble Is My Business


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, the shit hits the fan when undercover cop Carrie Love tries to help an old Chinese woman who's purse got snatched ...


INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MORNING
Carrie sits behind the wheel
of an idling late-model sedan.

Holds a container of coffee.
Breathes in the steam. Shivers.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t wait to get home
and take a long, hot shower.
Wash off that ‘eau de gutter.’

She pulls out a flask.
Pours in something brown. Toasts.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But then, if I keep this up --
what’s the difference?

EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
An OLD CHINESE WOMAN trundles by
carrying a bag of laundry.

Suddenly a young STREET KID runs up.
GRABS her handbag --
And dashes off down the street.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
Hey! Muthafucka, yoo come back here!

And, big surprise --
she takes off after him.

CARRIE
sees the commotion --

CARRIE
Goddammit!

JAMS the car into gear --
and TAKES OFF.

The coffee FLIES in the air,
drenching her shirt, her lap.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Fuck!
(out the window)
Hey, you! Stop! Police!

EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The kid TEARS ASS down
the alley at lightning speed.

Carrie’s car SCREECHES up
right behind him, and --
just as it looks like
she’s going to run him over --
He feints left, then
DASHES to the right --
into a narrow alley between buildings.

CARRIE
flies by. SCREECHES to a halt.
JAMS into reverse. Fishtails.

CRUNCHES the gravel.
She HITS the gas,
ROARS into the alley.

CARRIE
They’re gonna kill me
at the auto pool --

IN THE ALLEY
The thief gets to the other end.
Trips. OOF.

CARRIE’S CAR
BARRELS down the alley,
the sides of the frame SHRIEKING,
SCRAPING against the buildings,
sparks FLYING --

THE KID
gets up. Sees Carrie’s vehicle
coming toward him. Takes off.

CARRIE’S CAR
reaches a door stoop
at the end of the alley.

Her right front fender CRUNCHES
into it. Headlight POPS.

The sedan’s wheels SPIN
madly in the soft earth.

She shuts off the engine.
It SPUTTERS, CLANK.

CARRIE
This day is not getting off
to a very good start.

Just then, BANGING on
passenger-side window.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Hey! What the FUCK
do you think you’re doing?

CARRIE
(flashes her badge)
Police business, you fat fuck.
Get the fuck out of my face.

And, to add insult in injury --
the CHINESE WOMAN appears
in front of the car.

With the kid in a choke-hold.
She SHOVES him onto the ground.
GRABS her purse. Yells --

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
If you be doing yoo job,
I no have to ruin ten-dolla shoes!

She stomps off.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
(leans in the window)
Jesus. You really a cop?
You reek of booze.

CARRIE
At least I don’t reek of BO, asshole.
Now get the fuck outta here
before I cite you for
smelling like shit.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Jeez. No need to be nasty.

CARRIE
Listen, doll.
Nasty’s my middle name. And
trouble is my business.
(beat)
You really wanna be a customer?


Friday, June 9, 2017

A Cold One


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we meet undercover officer Carrie Love, on the job in Venice Beach. Meanwhile, wannabe film director Bruce Ball tries to wrangle a uncooperative bimbo ...


EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - DAWN
An acid-jazzy crime theme bubbles under --

The barest light of dawn.
A streetlight SNAPS off.

In a filthy alley behind
'Hollywood Pizza,' a Boardwalk dive.

A WOMAN sleeps --
a living pile of rags.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
The worst part about sleeping outside
is that you never feel rested
when you wake up.
You just lie there
because there’s nowhere to go.
And besides, it’s fucking cold out.

CAMERA PUSHES IN on her.
Underneath, despite the filth,
we see she’s young. Pretty.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
So you just lie there and remember
what it was like before this happened.
You think about things
like a hot shower. A hot breakfast.
Reading the paper with a
cup of coffee and a pack of smokes.

A HOMELESS MAN approaches on
tip-toes, touches her blanket --

And she LEAPS UP, FLASHES her badge,
POINTS her gun at him.

WOMAN
Hold it right there, motherfucker!
You just messed with the wrong chick.
Assume the position!

HOMELESS MAN
Shit, lady -- I mean, officer,
I wasn’t doing nothing, I was just --

He looks down at the big wet stain
spreading on his crotch.

WOMAN
Jesus fucking Christ,
look at yourself.
Get outta here.
Don’t let me see you
around here again.

The man hobbles away in a panic.
The chick sits back down.

WOMAN (CONT'D)
(into the camera)
You didn’t think I was homeless, did you?
(pulls out a bottle)
The name’s Carrie, Carrie Love.
I carry a badge.
(toasts, takes a sip)
Just getting into character.

INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - NIGHT
Dean Martin’s YOU’RE NOBODY UNTIL
SOMEBODY LOVES YOU over --

A small tri-level house converted
into a groovy work space.

BRUCE BALL, six-feet of attitude
in a tiny, squishy body, is testing talent.
The auteur squints into the camera lens.

BRUCE
It’s called getting into character.
(beat)
Okay. You are so fucking excited
about drinking the delicious
Genuine Cold Ice Draft Lager
that you’re about to come.
This is the best fucking beer
you’ve had in your short, meaningless life.

A pretty young MODEL (18) holds
a can of beer, vaguely insulted.

Topless, covers her nipples
with her other arm.

BRUCE (CONT’D)
Action.

MODEL
(sexy)
When I get really thirsty,
I gotta have a cold one.

CAMERA POV
The bim drops her arm,
rubs the can on her breasts.

MODEL
But when I get really hot,
I reach for a--

ON BRUCE

BRUCE
No, stop! This isn’t a porno.
Why are you rubbing it on your boobs?
Have you ever seen that
in a beer commercial?

MODEL
But you said you wanted me to come.

BRUCE
I said LIKE you were gonna come,
it was a metaphor, a --

SULTRY FEMALE VOICE(O.S.)
Bruce, I hate to interrupt,
but that weird German guy just called.

BRUCE
(excited)
The shoot? Was it about the shoot?

In walks DINA DAERR, production VP.
The kind of woman who spends more
on her haircut than
most people’s car payment.

Flashes a 100-watt smile.
Arches a perfect, razor-thin brow.

DINA
Yeah, he said the call time
has been moved up,
you’re supposed to be there --
(looks at watch)
Now.

BRUCE
Hot stuff, my first feature.

MODEL
You’re going to go work on a movie?

BRUCE
Yeah. I’ll see if there’s a part for you.
Let you know.

DINA
(to the model)
You might not want to be
in this kinda flick.

MODEL
Why not? What’s it called?

Burt glares at Dina.
Eyes yell at her to shut up.

DINA
Harry Bottom and the Sorcerer’s Pole --

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Soft Soap


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we meet Sparkle Plenty, under-aged beauty pageant queen, who escapes from her white trash incestual mother, and blows up her trailer ...


INT. WHITE TRASH TRAILER - NIGHT
ROSCOE PLENTY, (40)
a strange-looking nerd,
watches a shitty little
black and white TV,
swills a bottle of cheap beer.

ROSCOE
(to someone off-screen)
C’mon honey, you’re
missing the big number.

ON TV
in glorious Technicolor,
SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS.

A chorus line of grinning,
super-masculine Hollywood cowboys.

SEVEN BROTHERS (ON TV)
Bless your beoootiful hide --

INT. FILTHY KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
DOT PLENTY (33), Roscoe’s repulsive wife
eats dog food out of the can.

Sips her jelly-jar zinfandel.
Belly-T reveals folds
of pale cottage-cheese.
‘Fat’ would be a compliment.

DOT
(sucking her fingers)
Fucking musicals.
Fucking faggot -- shit.
(to him, loud)
I’m gonna go check on Sparkle,
make sure she’s all clean.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
the drunk is riveted to
the movie, drinks his longneck.

INT. TRAILER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
A steaming shower runs.

A FEMALE FORM behind the glass --
sings off-key some weird disco hit.

IN THE HALLWAY
the happy molester squeezes by,
reaches the door. Smiles.

IN THE BATHROOM
the door opens.
In creeps lover-mom.

DOT
(throaty)
Does little Sparkle-ette
need help cleaning those --
hard-to-reach places?

EXT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
Steam drifts out the bathroom window.
A knapsack FLIES OUT.

Out pops SPARKLE PLENTY (16),
teased-hair K-Mart adorable.

Picture-pretty face.
What you call a ‘spinner.’

She JUMPS, lands on the ground.
Then runs, giggling.

IN THE BATHROOM
Coquettish, Dot opens the shower door --

DOT
Mmmmmm -- do I smell Soft Soap?

To reveal it’s empty.

A TAPE RECORDER
sits on the toilet.
The source of the singing.

A WINDOW SHADE
flaps against the open window.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Roscoe sings along, having
the time of his life. BURP.

IN THE BATHROOM

DOT
Roscoe, Sparkle escaped! Again!

EXT. HILLSIDE - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle looks down
on her nest from hell.

Holds a remote trigger box
in dainty hands.

SPARKLE
(punches a button)
Hasta la vista, incestual units --

THE TRAILER
EXPLODES in a massive fireball.

SPARKLE (O.S.)
Cause this chick’s
going to Hollywood.