Friday, July 20, 2018

Leave The Driving To Us


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven and Jett hear on the car radio that the cops have issued a warrant for their arrest and are out on the roads looking for them, so Jett pulls off the freeway into a trailer park, looking for a new set of wheels ...


INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING - DUSK
Coltrane’s I’M OLD FASHIONED
bops on the car stereo.

Haven drives. Jett looks out
the window, lost in thought.

JETT
(reading a sign)
We’ll be in Long Beach soon.

The song ends.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That was John Coltrane,
and I’m Old Fashioned.
Guess I’m kinda old fashioned, too --
(beat)
I was just handed a special bulletin
from our news department.
Police have issued arrest warrants
for Haven Crayce and Jett Targo
in connection with three
murders in Marina Del Rey.
Both women are in their mid-twenties,
and were last seen in
a red 1968 Cadillac convertible.
If you see these women,
please contact your local
police precinct immediately.
(beat)
Well, now, if I was
a fugitive from the law,
I can’t think of a better
ride than a classic Caddy.
This next one’s dedicated to you.
A little Miles. SO WHAT.

Miles Davis’ trumpet mourns softly.

JETT
Pull off the road at the next exit.

HAVEN
Why?

JETT
Because we gotta get a NEW CAR.

HAVEN
We’re gonna buy a new car?

JETT
Hell, no -- we’re gonna STEAL ONE.

A SIGN READS
Seal Beach. 15 miles.

JETT (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Turn here. This is perfect.

EXT. MAIN STREET - SUNSET
They drive toward the beach,
a gorgeous sunset ahead of them
in the sky above the ocean.

JETT
I haven’t been here in years.

HAVEN
You’ve been here before?

JETT
Yeah, a lifetime ago.
(beat)
Turn right here.
I got an idea.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER
The sun has almost set.
The car pulls into a trailer park.

An old, wooden sign reads
SEAL BEACH ESTATES.

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING
The car inches by a row of mobile homes.

JETT
Pull up to the end and park.

Haven does. Stops the car.

HAVEN
So what now?

JETT
Well, I’m thinking that
someone who lives here,
no matter what they drive,
they’re not gonna mind
trading it for a vintage Caddy,
keys in the ignition,
all wrapped up in a nice, big bow.

HAVEN
Ooh. You are GOOD.


Friday, July 13, 2018

The Big Bounce


Happy Friday the 13th, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide dick Cal Seely shows up at Haven's houseboat with a warrant for her arrest ... but she's on the lam with Jett, cruising up the coast in her Cadillac convertible ...


EXT. HOUSE BOAT - REAR DECK - DUSK
Cal stands at the rear door.
KNOCK-KNOCKS loudly.

CAL
Mrs. Crayce. It’s Detective Seely.
(KNOCKS again)
Haven Crayce, Detective Seely.
I have a search warrant.

He peers in the window. Sighs.
Pulls a pick out of his pockets.
Works it. The knob CLICKS.

INT. THE SAVE HAVEN - CONTINUOUS
Cal walks around, looking.
Touching surfaces. Inspecting.

CAL
(to himself)
Nola Bliss could have walked
in on them, surprised them.

Cal walks over to the bar.
Picks up a glass. Squints at it.

CAL
Real crystal.

He walks over to the case
with the Oscar in it.
Sees a cracked glass panel.

CAL
She walked in on them --
(leans down)
While they were --
(sees something)
BLOOD.

Cal straightens up.
Massages the small of his back.

CAL
It’s right out of
one of his movies.
They were in the process
of killing Dart Crayce --
and they had to shut her up.
(beat)
So who the fuck is Rush Madder?

His cell phone RINGS.
He fishes it out. Listens.

CAL
Seely.
(listens)
One of Targo’s clients?
(listens)
In the meat freezer?
(listens)
Yeah, someone would have to be
pretty fucking strong to do THAT.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DRIVEWAY - DUSK
Some sleazy 60’s go-go
classic on the car stereo.

Haven sits behind the wheel.
Jett tosses a suitcase in the back seat.
JUMPS IN. Haven beams. Excited.

HAVEN
Hey, baby.

JETT
Hey, yourself.

HAVEN
Let’s blow this popsicle stick.

JETT
(laughs)
Popsicle stand. You are too cute.

Haven pulls out of the driveway.
GUNS the engine.

HAVEN
I’m a hell of a lot
more than CUTE, doll.
And don’t you forget it.
(cocks an eyebrow)
You ready to go all the way?
Do whatever it takes?

JETT
It’s just you and me baby,
together forever,
right down the line.
(beat)
Whatever it takes.

Haven puts her hand on Jett’s.

HAVEN
I’ve been going nuts without you.

Slides it up toward
the hem of her miniskirt.

Caressing her milky white thigh.
Trembling with tactile pleasure.

HAVEN
I can’t stop thinking about
what it’s gonna be like when
we’re finally alone together.

Jett reaches up, up, up, up --

HAVEN
I’ve missed your touch --

Jett finds the prize.
Magic fingers do their work.

HAVEN
OMIGOD --

And she SCREAMS with pleasure.
JERKS the steering wheel.

The car FISHTAILS on the pavement.
Jett GRABS the wheel.
Keeps working her special gift.

HAVEN
I’m gonna --
(beat)
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And, as she reaches an
earth-shattering crescendo,

CAMERA pulls back,
swings out the rear window,
where we see --

A CAR
following them. A beat-up,
old Dodge Dart Swinger.

BEHIND THE WHEEL
is RUSH. Grim. Determined.

RUSH
Think you can kill me
that easily, BITCH?

Friday, July 6, 2018

Hit & Run Holiday


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of A DISH BEST KILLED, after Haven empties her dead husband's bank account, she and Jett plan their getaway in her vintage Cadillac convertible ...


EXT. CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE - DAY
A ‘68 model in candy apple red
with a black leather interior.

The kind I’ll be able to afford
when I sell this screenplay.

Haven drives up Via Marina
with the top down in
shades and a big scarf,
the wind WHIPPING her hair.
She talks on her cell.

HAVEN
Calm down, calm down.
They don’t have anything.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS
Jett paces, sips from a bottle of beer.
Talks on her cell.

JETT
But they towed his CAR.
They found -- her.

HAVEN
But he’s -- gone.

JETT
I know, I know, it’s just --
he knows something.
I can feel it.
(beat)
We gotta get the
fuck out of Dodge.
What happened at the
reading of the will?

HAVEN
It’s all mine, baby.
Lock, stock and two smokin’ million.

JETT
And the cash?
HAVEN
I just left the bank.
(smiles)
Got eight-hundred thousand
under the hood.
That’s what I call horsepower.

JETT
You took out ALL of it?
Didn’t we agree it would be
a good idea to leave --

HAVEN
Change of plan, baby.
I closed the account.
Told them I was leaving the country.
Needed to start over, a new life.

JETT
Leaving the country?

HAVEN
We’re going to Mexico.
Find a place on the beach
where it’s warm all the time and
it’s running hot and cold Margaritas.

JETT
(looks)
I see your car.
I’ll be right down.

She pulls out a snifter.
HONKS up a bump. Grimaces.

JETT
(to herself)
Guess it’s time for
a hit and run holiday --

Friday, June 29, 2018

A Big Stiff One


Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide detective Cal Seely grills murderous lesbian personal trailer Jett Targo about where she was the night she killed her lover's husband Dart Crayce, and her little person neighbor Nola Bliss ...


INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cal Seely stands in the doorway.
Jett holds open the door.

CAL
Jett Targo?

JETT
Uh-huh.

CAL
Cal Seely, Sheriff’s office, homicide.
I’d like to come in and
ask you a few questions.
(beat)
If you don’t mind.

JETT
No, no -- not at all.
Come in.

He lumbers into the
large studio apartment.

CAL
Thanks.
(looks around)
Nice and airy.
Must cost a fortune,
being right on the canal.

JETT
(bad fake laugh)
You’re not kidding.
(beat)
Can I get you anything --
some water?

CAL
No, thanks.
I’m fine.

Jett sits on the couch.
Smiles hopefully.

JETT
Have a seat.

CAL
No can do.
Back is in spasm.
If I sit, I might not
be able to get up again.
(strange laugh)
And I’m sure you don’t want
a dick stuck in your house.

JETT
Uh, no --

CAL
Did you know a woman by
the name of -- Nola Bliss?

JETT
She’s, uh -- the neighbor
of one of my clients,
Haven Crayce.

CAL
Was the neighbor.

JETT
Was?
You mean something --
happened to her?

CAL
Nothing 'happened' to her.
She was murdered.
We found her body in the
trunk of a car that was towed --
(pulls out a notebook)
Belonging to a man by
the name of Rush Madder,
from Long Beach.
(beat)
You know him?

JETT
No, sorry.
Never heard of him.

CAL
Funny.
The car was parked right
down the street from here.

JETT
Huh.
(beat)
Small world.

CAL
Where were you on
the night of the 25th?

JETT
Uh -- that was Tuesday, right?
(off his nod)
I was home, watching a movie.

CAL
What movie?

JETT
A Dish Best Killed.

CAL
How ironic.

JETT
Ironic?

Pause.

CAL
Thanks for your time.
(gives her his card)
Here’s my number.
Give me a call if
you remember anything.
(beat)
And please don’t leave town.
I might have some more --
questions for you.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Nodding.
Faking nonchalance. Badly.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

They Shoot Lawyers, Don't They?


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Thursday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of A Dish Best Killed, Haven goes the reading of her murdered husband's will, and tangles with his first wife, who's not happy that Haven's getting all his money ...


INT. LAW FIRM CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Haven sits alone at the end of
a long, long conference table.

At the other end are a trio
of STONE-FACED ATTORNEYS.

Also at the table are
Dart’s FIRST WIFE (80’s),
a haggard-looking
vulture of a woman.
Beady eyes flickering.

Needless to say, the air
is thick with anticipation.

Haven picks up a
cut-glass goblet of water.
Takes a tiny sip.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
(reading from the will)
-- and I bequeath my entire
estate to my second wife, Haven.

Haven blinks rapidly.
The slightest trace
of a smile cracks.

Nasty First Wife BANGS
the table with her fist.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
That’s NOT FAIR.
I was with him for FIFTY YEARS.
I was there when we was STARVING.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
Quiet, please.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(stands, SLAPS the table)
NO! I will NOT be QUIET!
There must be some MISTAKE!
(points)
There’s no way in HELL he
left all his money to that WHORE!

Haven stares at her.
Blank-faced.

OILY ATTORNEY
Please, Ma’am. I don’t
want have to call security.

Nasty PULLS OUT her chair.
RACES over to Haven.

Oily picks up the phone.
Speaks softly into it.
Nods. Hangs up.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(gets in Haven’s face)
HARLOT. SLUT. You just
married him for his MONEY.

HAVEN
Get the fuck out of my
face, you old bag.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(spits on Haven’s face)
Fucking CUNT.

Haven JUMPS UP. SMACKS
Nasty on the face, HARD.

A pair of BEEFY SECURITY GUARDS
race in. GRAB her.

NASTY FIRST WIFE (CONT’D)
Let GO OF ME.
You CAN’T DO THIS.

HUGE SECURITY GUARD
I’m afraid you’re going
to have to come with us.

The guards drag her out,
KICKING and SCREAMING.

Haven takes out a handkerchief.
Wipes her face.

HAVEN
I’m sorry for that --
outburst a moment ago.
I, I -- lost my temper.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
I think you showed
remarkable restraint.

OILY ATTORNEY
Indeed. I thought you were
going to deck the bitch.

PUSH IN ON Haven.
The barest hint of a smile.

HAVEN
I can’t imagine what
he ever saw in her --

Friday, June 15, 2018

A Big Stiff One


Happy Fridy, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven hides inside her houseboat while homicide detective Cal Seely snoops around outside, then calls Jett to coordinate their escape ...


EXT. MARINA SLIP - HOUSEBOAT - NIGHT
All lights out on the Safe Haven.
The boat looks ominous. Spooky.
Slowly bobbing in the water.

Cal Seely and Dr. Bing
stand on the dock.
Looking at it.

CAL
Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

DR. BING
Sure, sure -- but she’s not home.

Cal squints at the boat.
Chews on his unlit cigar.

CAL
She could be asleep.

DR. BING
Then why bother her now?

CAL
Element of surprise.

DR. BING
So -- you suspect her?

CAL
Insulin pump didn’t malfunction.
(puffs)
Battery was dead.

DR. BING
But she said she changed --

CAL
Exactly.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Haven kneels in front of the window.
Slowly pulls back the curtain a tiny bit.
Peers out.

HAVEN
(sees them outside)
Shit. Fuck. Goddammit.

She goes to the mini bar.
Pours a stiff one.

Grabs a prescription bottle.
Shakes out a couple pills.

Gulps them down. Chases it
with a slug of her drink.

She pulls out her cell phone.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Hey, it’s me.
(listens)
It’s done?

The doorbell RINGS.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Shit --
(listens)
It’s fucking Dr. Bing
and that fat fucking cop --
(listens)
All the lights are off --
(listens)
No, it’s too dangerous.
Who knows how long
they’ll be out there.
Just sit tight.
I’ll call you tomorrow
after I go to the bank.

The doorbell RINGS again.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna have a bubble bath,
listen to my Ipod.
If they come in, I’ll say
I couldn’t hear the doorbell
with the music on.
(listens)
Yeah. We’re almost there.
(listens)
Me too, baby.
Straight down the line.

PUSH IN on Haven.
Eyes burning with fire.

Friday, June 1, 2018

The Way We Were


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Jett and Rush take Trimmer's dead body out to sea in his boat to dispose of it, but then Jett has cruel surprise for Rush ... and kills him, too ..


EXT. OCEAN - SHERIFF’S BOAT - NIGHT
Jett wears Trimmer’s uniform.
Pilots the boat through the choppy water.

Rush looks out into the horizon.
The boat ZIPS across the waves,
THUMPING on each crest.

She pulls the boat to a stop.
Looks back the coastline.

JETT
This is far enough, c’mon.

She goes to the back of the boat.
Rush follows.

We see Trimmer’s body,
rolled up in a tarp.
Tied to the anchor.

Jett grabs one end of the body.
Rush, the other.

JETT (CONT’D)
On the count of three --

They slowly swing it back and forth --

JETT (CONT’D)
One -- two --
(beat)
THREE.

And THROW it over the side. SPLASH.

JETT (CONT’D)
Goodbye, asshole.

Rush pulls out a small glassine bag
filled with white powder.

He scoops out a hit
with a long fingernail.

INHALES it. Sniffs.
Looks out into the horizon. Pensive.

RUSH
Sometimes I wish things could
go back to the way they were.
(looks at Jett)
Ever feel that way?

JETT
Are you kidding? Trapped in
that fucked-up small town?
Dealing drugs.

Always looking over our shoulder.
Getting the fuck out of Kansas
was the best thing we ever did.
(weird laugh)
Just look at us now.

RUSH
We were good together for awhile --
you know? We had a lot of fun.

JETT
Oh, yeah. Three-day binges.
Knocking off convenience stores.
Eating out of dumpsters.
Misty water-colored memories.
(beat)
I know what I want now, Rush.
You should figure that out, too.

RUSH
I told you, I’m bi.

JETT
So that’s why you sexually
assaulted a customer.

RUSH
Shut up. I told you,
he came on to ME.
And he was more than a customer,
we were friends.

JETT
Then why did he try to KILL you?

RUSH
So I got carried away. I was high.
How was I supposed to know he had a gun?
(beat)
If you weren’t there to --

JETT
That was a long time ago.
I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.
(beat)
Can I get a hit of that?

RUSH
(hands her the bag)
Sure.

JETT
Can I borrow your keys?

Rush hands her his keys.
Jett dips one in the bag,
HONKS up a big, fat hit. SKRRRRONK.

Rubs her nose.
Puts the bag in her pocket.
Pulls out her GUN.

RUSH
What are you doing?

JETT
I’m sorry, Rush.
But it’s gotta be this way.
(laughs)
Did you really think I was gonna
share our fucking MONEY with you?
You didn’t do anything to HELP. NOTHING.
You’re a fucking LEECH, a LOSER --

RUSH
Don’t SAY THAT.

JETT
A STALKER, and a fucking DRUG ADDICT.

RUSH
NO!

Rush LEAPS at her. Jett WHACKS
him on the head with her gun. CRACK.
Rush FLIES back against the railing.

JETT
It’s the end of the line, sucker.
Time to sleep with the fishes.

Rush GRABS Jett. Tries to get her gun.
They STRUGGLE. He CHOKES her in a bear hug.
Jett DROPS it. Rush KICKS it away.

RUSH
Fucking DYKE!

Jett LOSES IT. With insane,
animal, meth-fueled strength,
she FLINGS his arms away.

SPINS him around. GRABS him,
FLIPS him up, and TWIRLS him
over her head like a toy.

JETT
HA-HA-HA-HA! How do you like THIS?

RUSH
NOOOOOO --

And THROWS him over the side. SPLASH.

Jett shakes her head.
Rushing on the drugs.
Eyes darting madly.

She walks over.
Picks up the gun.
Goes to the wheel.

JETT
Sorry, officer.
Didn’t know my own strength.
(laughs)
All ashore who’s going ashore --