Tuesday, July 26, 2016

A Better Mousetrap


Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie's scientist father Bernard discovers that the rabbit he gave his invisibility serum to is now having violent side effects, which means Bettie will start having them, too. Meanwhile, the popular kids that Bettie got revenge on for bullying her are now plotting how to get back at her ...


INT. BETTIE’S HOUSE - STUDY - DAY
The door opens. Bernard walks in.
Looks at the rabbit cage on his desk.

It’s SHAKING VIOLENTLY.
He walks up to it. Staring.

BERNARD
Bugs. What’s wrong?
Are you okay?

He pulls a LARGE CARROT
out of his pocket.

Sticks it through the bars of the cage.
It’s immediately eaten in a BUZZSAW SPRAY
OF VIOLENT CHOMPING. He BURPS.

BERNARD
Ah. You were HUNGRY.
(looks more closely)
And you need more WATER.

He opens the door to the cage.
Sticks his hand in --

and gets BITTEN.
YANKS his hand out.

BERNARD
OW. BUGS.

We hear a SNARLING noise.
Bernard SLAMS the cage door closed.
Holds up his bleeding hand.

BERNARD
I better get this cleaned and dressed.
(at Bugs)
I’m so sorry, my little friend.
I promise you we’ll get
to the bottom of this.

The cage starts SHAKING VIOLENTLY.

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
The popular kids sit at their
usual table eating lunch.

Emerald’s hair is now much shorter.
She seems quiet. Subdued.

BRAD
What a LOSER.

MUFFIN
I know.
He didn’t have to get
all Sylvia Plath on us.

GRETCHEN
You guys see that story on the news
awhile ago about that gay dude
who like jumped off a bridge?

WHIT
You mean the one where
the roommate live video streamed
him kissing another dude?

RONNIE
Yeah, I saw that.
The roommate got suspended,
and now he’s going to jail --

EMERALD
Good. I’m GLAD.
People who do shit like that
should be PUNISHED.

MUFFIN
Speaking of which, that brings us
to our next hot topic --

BRAD
The invisible Bettie Bee.
What are we going to do about her?

WHIT
Maybe we could --
lay some kind of trap?

TILA
Like what?
Get a giant mousetrap
and put a pizza on it?

DRAKE
Guys. You’re forgetting. The PROM.
CARRIE? Hello? Sissy Space-out much?

BRAD
Shit, that’s right.
if we throw a bucket
of pig’s blood on her,
we’ll be able to SEE her.

MUFFIN
Two snaps for Brad and Drake.
So now we just need to figure out
a way to get her to come --
and then FRY her fat ass.

RONNIE
You guys are forgetting something.
(off their looks)
It’s still a couple days until prom --
and I’ve got a funny feeling
she’s gonna be coming after us --
like she did Emerald.

BRAD
Then we pair up.
Watch each other’s backs.

MUFFIN
Super. Brad and me will stay together.

BRAD
(takes her hand, kisses it)
But of course.

GRETCHEN
And I’ll stick with Emerald.

Emerald Nods.

RONNIE
And I’ll hang with Tila.

Tila smiles. Gives a thumbs-up.

BERT
So what about me, Whit and Drake?

DRAKE
No worries.
You two lovebirds can
chill with each other.
I’ll be fine by myself.

BRAD
You sure about that?

Drake pulls out a VINTAGE HANDGUN.
Places it on the table.

DRAKE
Ask yourself, punk --
do you feel LUCKY?

Monday, July 25, 2016

All You Can Eat


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, after getting revenge on a couple of the popular kids, Lonny gets concerned with Bettie starts binge eating ... and drinking ...


INT. READY’S BEDROOM CLOSET - DAY
Ready’s lifeless body hangs by the neck
from a rope of ties tied to
a pipe near the ceiling.

Lane stands nearby looking at him.
Shakes her head sadly.
Pulls out her radio.

LANE
This is officer Diamond.
The ten-fifty-six is confirmed,
do you copy?
(listens)
White male, age seventeen.
The mother found him.
I’m going to interview her now.
(listens)
Tell me about it --

INT. LONNY’S KITCHEN - DAY
Lonny sits at the kitchen table
eating a giant piece of cake.

The refrigerator door FLIES OPEN.
Food items starts coming out
and landing on the counter.
He watches. Smiling.

The packaging on a loaf of bread OPENS.
A slice comes FLYING out. Then another.
They land on a plate.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’m so hungry I could eat a CHEERLEADER.

A jar of mayonnaise OPENS.
A drawer slides out.

A knife FLIES UP and goes to the jar.
Starts spreading mayo on the bread.

BETTIE (V.O.)
For the first time in my life,
I feel ALIVE.

A package of cold cuts opens up.
Slices of baloney start FLYING UP
and land on the bread.

More slices keep piling on,
until the whole package is used up.

Then a package of cheese opens.
Cheddar slices FLY UP
and land on the meat --
until the package is empty.

LONNY
That’s an awfully BIG sandwich, Bettie.
You sure you can eat all that?

The other piece of bread
turns over and lands on top,
forming a six-inch-thick MONSTER.

It floats up -- and a big BITE
is taken out of it with a GROWL.
Loud CHOMPING noises.

Then it starts getting DEVOURED as if
by some beaver-from-buzzsaw-hell.

Food SPRAYS in the air like confetti
as it gets CHOMPED on -- and then disappears.

A loud BURP.

BETTIE (V.O.)
That sure hit the spot.
Several, actually.
(unearthly, spooky laughter)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

LONNY
Are you -- okay, Bettie?

BETTIE (V.O.)
Okay? Okay? OKAY?
(beat)
I’m just getting STARTED.

Footsteps go to the fridge.
The door FLIES OPEN.

A WHOLE CHICKEN comes FLYING OUT.
It, too gets DEVOURED in a
BUZZSAW SPRAY OF LOUD CHOMPING.
Meat FLIES in the air.

Bettie BURPS.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Now THAT’S food for thought.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

LONNY
Holy SHIT.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Thirsty.

Cabinet doors start
FLYING OPEN AND CLOSED.

Finally, at the end,
we see the liquor stash.

A brown bottle comes
FLYING DOWN. The cap OPENS --

LONNY
Hey. That’s my dad’s --

BETTIE (V.O.)
Aged 25 years? NICE.

The bottle tips up,
and we hear her start
CHUGGING IT DOWN.

PUSH IN ON Lonny’s face.
Freaking out.

LONNY
Bettie. What’s wrong?
Are you OKAY?

Friday, July 22, 2016

Here's Mud In Your Eye


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, now that they can't see her, overweight teen Bettie Bee gets another round of revenge in the high school cafeteria ... by tarring and feathering one of her bullies ...


INT. LONNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lonny sits at his desk,
staring at the computer screen.

Bettie’s can of soda floats
in the air next to him.

LONNY
Ohmigod, look at all the COMMENTS.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Over a thousand hits in FIVE MINUTES.

LONNY
So what do you want to do now?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’m tired. I’m gonna go down
to the fort and get some sleep.
Start thinking about
who I’m gonna get NEXT.

LONNY
You can stay in the house
if you want to. My dad won’t
be back for a few days.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Really?

LONNY
Yeah. You can stay in the guest room.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Wow. I don’t know what to say.

LONNY
I say we should go fix ourselves
a MIDNIGHT SNACK.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Yeah.

Lonny JERKS back and forth in his chair.

LONNY
Ow, HEY.

BETTIE (V.O.)
What’s the matter?
Ain’t no one ever gave you a hug before?

LONNY
It just -- surprised me.

BETTIE (V.O.)
You’re such a good friend, Lonny.
I love you so much.

PUSH IN ON Lonny.
Eyes wide as saucers.

LONNY
I -- love you, too.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
The popular kids sit together,
eating, chattering away.

Brad and Muffin sit at each
end of the table, holding court.

BRAD
I don’t know about the rest of you,
but I’m GNARLY disappointed
that Ready didn’t show up today.
I was really looking forward to
razzing the SHIT out of him.

BERT
Fucking pussy. I always thought
he was a bit of a turd-burglar.

MUFFIN
YOU’RE dating him, Gretch. Spill it.
Could Ready whip your gash into overdrive?
Or did he take you down to limp dick city
where the ass is green
and the chicks are clitty?

GRETCHEN
That’s for me to know, and you
to blow out your hole. We’re SO over.

RONNIE
What I wanna know is who made the video.
It wasn’t one of us.

TILA
We gotta find out. That was WAY fierce.

WHIT
I liked the part where his
face smashes into the mirror.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
Well if this isn’t a fine-looking group
of fresh-scrubbed, suburban Caucasians.
Mind if I pull up a nut-log?

Reveal Emerald.
Standing before them with her tray.

DRAKE
There she is. I THOUGHT we were
running low on brown sugar.

EMERALD
Why don’t you go the turd’s room
and pleasure yourself, Monstie.
After all, it’s sex with the one you love.

DRAKE
Love to. Could you stand just like that
another second while your visual image
is burned into my masturbation catalog?

EMERALD
HEY.

She looks down.

CLOSE ON --
Her shoes. The laces UNTIE each other,
then magically start tying themselves
together into knots.

EMERALD’S
Eyes grow wide.

EMERALD
Who’s doing that?

Something YANKS on her hair.
A big, long chunk on the side
RIPS off. She SCREAMS.

EMERALD
OW! My EXTENSIONS --

Another YANK.
A chunk on the other side RIPS off.

EMERALD
OW, STOP IT. Who’s DOING that?

BETTIE (V.O.)
(low, weird voice)
You shouldn’t have bought your hair
at the MALL, bitch.

Everyone GASPS.

BRAD
Who’s THERE?

MUFFIN
What the FUCK?

Emerald’s skirt gets YANKED
down around her ankles.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I see London, I see France --

EMERALD
HEY. What are you DOING?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I see Emerald’s boobies DANCE.

The buttons on her blouse go FLYING.
It RIPS open, exposing her bra.

She DROPS her tray.
It hits the floor, CLANG.

EMERALD
STOP IT!

Drake nudges Bert. Winks.
He smiles. Nods back.

BETTIE (V.O.)
WHOOPS.
Emerald gets SHOVED. She HITS the floor.

EMERALD
OW.

BETTIE (V.O.)
It’s a floor wax AND a desert topping.

EMERALD
Wh-who ARE you? What do you WANT?

ACROSS THE ROOM
Lonny hides behind a big trash can
next to a cart with a pair of buckets on it.
He SHOVES IT toward them.

THE CART
FLIES across the room.
Comes to a stop in front of Emerald.
One of the buckets lifts up in the air --

BETTIE (V.O.)
Here’s MUD in your eye --

And dumps a load of BLACK TAR all over her.
Emerald writhes around on the floor,
cries out in pain.

Everyone in the cafeteria
stares in horror.

The other bucket FLIES UP --
and dumps a load of FEATHERS on her.

They stick all over her body.
She curls up into a ball and starts WAILING.

EMERALD
What are you DOING TO ME?

BETTIE (V.O.)
It’s called revenge, Tar-Baby.
Not so FUNNY when it happens to YOU, huh?
(beat)
The rest of you WATCH OUT --
because one of you is NEXT.

Loud FOOTSTEPS run out of the room.
The door SLAMS.

BRAD
That voice. It was familiar.

MUFFIN
Yeah, it sounded kinda like --

They look at each other. Realize.

BRAD MUFFIN
Bettie! Bettie!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Dancing With The Farts


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, popular girls Emerald, Muffin, Tila and Ronnie chortle over the viral video of Ready's crazy-glued diarhea attack. Meanwhile, Ready finds out about his online infamy and freaks out ...


INT. EMERALD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A riot of cute in a sea of pink.
Emerald, Ronnie and Tila sit
on the bed with their textbooks.

Ronnie and Tila stare at a smart phone
with shit-eating grins on their faces.

EMERALD
(on the phone)
TELL me about it.
He was running around like a
chicken with his DICK cut off --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MUFFIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Muffin paces the room excitedly.

MUFFIN
Total lesbro. Hello?
(SNORTS)
Brad said we gotta
find out who shot it.
Imagine the hijinx we
could pull with BETTIE?

EMERALD
Soil my Abercrombie’s much?
Let me see what Ronnie and Tila think.

MUFFIN
What, it’s United Colors of Benetton
night and I wasn’t invited?

EMERALD
We’re cramming for the French exam.
You’re taking Spanish.

MUFFIN
Fist me with a chalupa.
See you in teenage hell.

EMERALD
Totally.

MUFFIN
It’s been huge.

EMERALD
What?

MUFFIN
It’s been huge.

EMERALD
Paris Hilton called.
She wants her banality back.

MUFFIN
Eat my thong. If it weren’t for me,
you’d still be slinging dollar menu
dreams to Rosa Parks in the hood.

Pause.

EMERALD
LOL! Long and hard. LMFAO.
(off her silence)
Hello?
(beat)
Muffin? You there?
(beat)
BFF?

MUFFIN
Uh -- BRB with you on that.

EMERALD
Muffin, PLEASE.
I was out of line.
I’m like, SO sorry.
It’s the hardest word.
I’d just DIE if you fired me.

MUFFIN
Got YOU good. Sleep tight,
caramel goddess of vaginal delights.
See you tomorrow in the stirrups.

She hangs up.
Emerald stares at her phone.

EMERALD
As IF.

INT. READY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Your typical jock’s room.
Posters of sports teams, athletes.

Manly rock bands. And, hey -
what a cool Budweiser neon sign.

Ready walks in gingerly, his ass
still hurting from his
trip to the emergency room.

Carries an almost
empty bottle of booze.

Takes another swig.
Trying to numb the pain.

He grabs a pillow off the bed.
it on the chair in front of his desk.

Carefully sits down.
Boots up his computer.

Starts checking his email.
He GASPS. Face turns white.

READY
What the FUCK?

He CLICKS onto --

THE MYTUBE WEBSITE
Where we see the video of him
stuck to the toilet seat.

READY (V.O.) (
Oh, NO.

READY
Starts reading the comments underneath.

READY
Shit. Everybody’s seen it --
(reads)
Dancing With The Turds?
(reads)
The Fart Of WAR?
(reads)
Cheekly World News?
(reads)
The Ex-Lax Factor?
(reads)
Sphincter in the grass?
(reads)
Break-wind FOUNTAIN?

He SLAPS his smart phone closed. Crushed.

READY
My life is RUINED --
(thinks)
I can’t show my face again.
I’m the laughingstock
of the whole SCHOOL.

Ready puts his head in his hands.
Stifles a sob. Gets up.

Trudges over to the closet.
Pulls out a bunch of ties.

Goes over to the bed. Sits.
Starts tying them together --

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Bromantic Comedy


Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, in round one of getting revenge on the popular kids that cyber-bullied Bettie, her BFF Lonny posts the video she shot of Ready Hand getting stuck to the toilet during a diarrhea attack on MyTube, which the kids see, much to Ready's horror ...


INT. LONNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A comic book geek’s wet dream come true.
Walls and shelves filled with posters,
action figures and movie stills of
superheroes and horror movie icons
of past and present.

Lonny sits at his desk in front
of his computer drinking a can of soda.

Another can floats in the air next to him.
He puts his down.

Fingers go flying across the keyboard.

LONNY
See? It’s easy.
I just upload the video to MyTube --

ON THE MONITOR
Is the MyTube website.
On it, a video appears in a small box.

Caption reads
LOSER GLUED TO TOILET SEAT FREAKS OUT.

The mouse clicks on PLAY, and it starts up --
We see Ready stuck to the toilet lid.

He RIPS it off.
RUNS around the bathroom,
the lid still stuck to his ass.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Omigod. That’s GREAT.
(beat)
But won’t people know you posted it?

LONNY
Nah. I created a fake account connected
to a dummy email address I never use.

LONNY’S
Fingers go FLYING on the keyboard.

LONNY
Now I send a mass-email to everyone
in school with the link, and voila.
Instant cyber-counterattack.

BETTIE (V.O.)
How did you get everyone’s email addresses?

LONNY
I’d give you a dirty look, but I can’t see you.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Oh. Right. Computer genius.

LONNY
Word to my gigabytes.
(sighs contentedly)
Now we just sit back and watch the fireworks.

INT. MUFFIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Muffin lies in bed, works her tablet computer.
Looks at the screen. SCREAMS.

MUFFIN
OhmifuckingGOD. That’s Ready HAND.
(eyes grow wide)
EW to the third power.

She GRABS her phone.
Fingers a number. Listens. Then --

MUFFIN
GRETCHEN, it’s me -- are you watching it?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GRETCHEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The ice princess sits at her desk,
staring at her computer.

GRETCHEN
Uh -- yeah.
I’m like SO embarrassed,
my douche had to chill.
Can you say ‘toilet-bowling for dollars?’

MUFFIN
Gag me with a ball-gag.
So your prom date just went bin Laden?

GRETCHEN
Earth to Muffin --
fuck me gently with a Roto-rooter.
Can you say MAJOR PR damage?

MUFFIN
(hears something)
Hold on. That’s my other line --

GRETCHEN
Take your time.
I need to go choose a razor blade --

MUFFIN
(punches a button)
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BRAD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Manly yes, but he likes it, too.
You can practically smell the gym socks
and empty beer cans on the page.

Brad sits at his desk.
Stares at his computer with a shit-eating grin.

BRAD
Hey. It’s me. You see the video?

MUFFIN
Does Whit Wiggins ride the Hershey Highway?
Fucking UNREAL. Who do you think shot it?

BRAD
Hell if I know. We gotta find out.
It’s fucking GENIUS.
(hears something)
Hold on. My other line --

HEATHER
Later, tater-tot.
I need to jingle the bitches.

BRAD
Give ‘em a lick for me.
(pushes a button)
Yo. Sup?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERT’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Brought to you by the color ‘messy.’
Bert and Whit sit on his bed
with textbooks and a big pizza.

Whit stares at his tablet computer,
shaking his head. Grinning.

BERT
(on his cell phone)
It’s Bert. You see the video?

BRAD
Yeah. Fuckin’ UNBELIEVABLE.
Who knew Ready could go FULL-RETARD?

BERT
I KNOW. Me and Whit watched it five times.
Fuck-head got his ASS glued
to the fucking TOILET SEAT.

BRAD
You and Whit?

BERT
Yeah. He’s helping me with that English paper.

BRAD
You sure that’s ALL he’s helping you with?

BERT
Fuck you. I bought the pizza.
If I don’t pass English, I don’t graduate,
and NO football scholarship.

BRAD
Just sayin’ --

BERT
Go FUCK yourself. Asshole.

BRAD
Chill, bromantic comedy.
Just yanking your chain-male.
(beat)
Hey. What’s that I hear in the background?
Lady Gag-Gag?

Monday, July 18, 2016

What's Up, Doc?


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, scientist Bernard Bee tries his invisibility position on a rabbit in his lab ... and is delighted to discover it works. However, what he doesn't know is that it also worked on his daughter Bettie ...


INT. UNIVERSITY MEDICAL LAB - NIGHT
Empty, except for -- Bernard.
Standing at a work table.

Working amid a mass of
test tubes and beakers.

He adjusts a tiny spigot.
Red liquid starts DRIPPING
into a glass vial.

He watches it. Nods.
Goes over to the rabbit cage.

Picks it up. Places it down
in front of him on the counter.

BERNARD
Are you ready to be part
of medical history, little fella?

The rabbit twitches its whiskers.

BERNARD
A name.
You have to have a name --
(thinks)
I shall call you Bugs,
after Bugs Bunny.
(strange voice)
What’s up, Doc?

He turns around.
Sees the vial is full.
Shuts off the spigot.

Brings it over to a test tube
half-filled with a yellow liquid.

Pours it in. The combination
turns BRIGHT ORANGE.

BERNARD
And now a little glucose for taste --

Turns around, grabs another, smaller vial,
and squeezes a few drops into the formula.

Picks up an eyedropper and fills it up.
Then goes to the video camera. Turns it on.

BERNARD
(into the camera)
This is Bernard Bee, professor of science,
in the Venison University medical lab,
where I am about to conduct
an astounding experiment.
(dramatic pause)
I am about to make this animal DISAPPEAR,
right before your eyes.

He takes Bugs out of his cage.
Feeds him the formula.

BERNARD
(watches him lick it up)
That’s it Bugs, that’s a good boy.
Don’t worry, it’s not rabbit-forming -- HA.

Pats him on the head.
Puts him back in.
Closes the door.

BERNARD
It’s for your own good, my child.
I don’t want to lose you.
And, as he speaks, Bugs
DISSOLVES and DISAPPEARS.

Bernard clasps his hands with joy.
Then rubs them together. Smiling.

BERNARD
(into the camera)
And as you see, Bugs has disappeared
after ingesting the formula.
(sings, off-key)
One pill makes you larger,
and one pill makes you GONE --

He shuts off the camera.
Goes to the cage. Taps on it.

BERNARD
Now hold tight, my boy. Just relax.
We’re just going to find out
if there are any harmful side effects --

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Shit Don't Stink


Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie gets revenge on school bully Ready Hand by secretly giving him a laxative and crazy gluing him to the toilet seat ... and then videotaping it ...


IN THE BATHROOM

Ready RUNS to the toilet.
YANKS down his jeans.

SLAMS his ass down, just in time.
We hear a VIOLENT SPRAY OF DIARRHEA.

Bettie’s smart phone FLOATS
into the room. Pointing at him.

A red light GOES ON.
Ready doesn’t see it. Eyes closed.

READY
Talk about a fucking SHIT.
(sniffs)
Smells like something DIED.

He tries to look between
his legs to see it.

Then tries to stand.
But he CAN’T.
He’s GLUED TO THE SEAT.

READY
What the fuck?

BETTIE (V.O.)
(weird, deep voice)
Smile, you’re on Candid Crapper.
(beat)
You are SO screwed NOW, asshole.

READY
(sees the camera)
What? Who is that?
Who’s there? What the FUCK?

BETTIE (V.O.)
This is the voice of GOD.
Since you’ve been a BAD BOY,
you’ve been sentenced to
spend the rest of your days
GLUED TO THE TOILET.
(beat)
Damn, do you REEK.
And you thought your
shit didn’t stink.

Incensed, Ready tries to LEAP
off the toilet and LUNGE
at the phantom voice.

But he doesn’t budge,
and SCREAMS with pain.

READY
You fucking ASSHOLE.
You’re not gonna get
AWAY with this.

BETTIE (V.O.)
In your hat, turd-boy.
Maybe I should call the
Guiness Book Of World Records,
tell them about
‘the world’s longest SHIT.’

Ready LOSES it, and YANKS
the toilet seat off
the bowl with a CRUNCH.

He FLIES into the air,
the seat stuck to his ass --
The camera JUMPS out of the way --
And Ready CRASHES into the wall, BANG.

READY
OW.

He gets up, crouched low, the seat
restricting his movement.

The phone FLIES around
him in a circle.

BETTIE (V.O.)
GREAT footage. Can’t WAIT
to stream this on the web.
Just WAIT till your friends see THIS.

READY
No, STOP -- you CAN’T DO THAT --

Ready tries to spin in a circle,
arms GRABBING for the phone,
but it stays one step ahead of him.

Then FLIES OVER to the sink.
FLOATS in front of the mirror.

READY
Aha. Gotcha NOW.

He LUNGES at the phone,
and just as he gets near it,
it FLIES straight up into the air.

Ready’s face SMASHES
into the glass,
which CRACKS and gets
SPRAYED with blood.

Ready FLIES backwards,
HITS the tiles.
CRYING out in pain.

BETTIE (V.O.)
That’s it folks, show’s over.
Thanks for coming. See ya NEXT TIME.

She breaks into MANIACAL LAUGHTER --
and the phone goes SAILING out the door.