Suffering For Your Art

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. I have a dream. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of LEGS, Episode 3, lottery winner Basil Keko gets the ransom demands for his kidnapped diabetic wife Kitty from white trash trailer punk Darryl Head, while private eye Carrie Love listens in. Meanwhile, Carrie's girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang gets an electronic jolt in her privates and runs off the set ...


INT. MEG'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The phone on the table RINGS.
Everybody JUMPS.

Basil looks at Carrie.
She nods.

Turns on the tape recorder.
Basil picks up.

Carefully puts it
on speakerphone.

BASIL
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits in a big, ratty
overstuffed wing chair
like it’s a throne.

Phone in one hand,
bottle of beer in the other.

Wendy sits on the couch,
timing the call on her watch.

Denny sits next to her,
lighting up the bong.

We see fat lines of white powder
on a mirror in front of Darryl.

DARRYL
Yo, is this the rich dude?
Basil Keko?

BASIL
Yes.
You better not have hurt my wife --

DARRYL
Chill out.
She’s fine.
In fact, we’re right now
giving her some sugar
for that diabetes thingamajig.

BASIL
So what do you want?

DARRYL
Well, seeing as how you won
two-hundred fifty-four million clamolas,
I’ll take two-hundred and fifty three.
A million bucks should last you
long enough since you’re old
and gonna die soon.

BASIL
But I don’t have it yet.
That check you saw on TV was a prop.

DARRYL
So when ARE you gonna get it?

BASIL
The wire transfer should
hit my bank tomorrow.

DARRYL
TOMORROW?

BASIL
Listen to me, you little fuck.
A wire transfer takes time.

Carrie stands.
Pantomimies with her arms t
hat she’s carrying a huge package.
Nods ‘understand?’

BASIL
(nods)
Now we have to figure out the logistics.
Do you realize how BIG
that much money is?
You’re gonna need a truck.

DARRYL
A truck?

BASIL
A hundred million is about
the size of a refrigerator,
so you’re talking about a load
the size of two and a half refrigerators.

DARRYL
Then I’ll get a fucking truck.

BASIL
Then there’s the matter of
where you’re gonna put it.
Have you thought of that, huh?

DARRYL
Shut up.
What do you think, I’m STUPID?

BASIL
I want to talk to Kitty.
I need to know she’s okay.

DARRYL
I told you.
She’s fine.

BASIL
If you don’t put her
on phone RIGHT NOW,
there’s no deal.
How do I know you
haven’t killed her already?

WENDY
(looks at her watch)
Time’s up.

DARRYL
We now pause for a
word from our sponsor.
Call you back.

BASIL
WAIT a minute --

He CLICKS the phone shut.
Leans down, and SNARFS
a line of meth up his nose. HONK.

Shakes his head.
Eyes blazing.

DARRYL
Now that’s what I call
‘keep on truckin.’

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
Cheesy Eurodisco over --

Laura on the chrome gurney.
She inserts a small, silver tube
connected to wires inside her.
Gasps.

LAURA
Damn, that’s COLD.
(to someone off-camera)
Sorry.

KLAUS (O.C.)
It’s okay.
We’ll take it out in post.
Carry on.

She nods.
Takes the control box
off the shelf next to her.

Puts it in her lap.
Slowly starts turning
one of the knobs.

The box starts HUMMING.
She closes her eyes.

LAURA
Three million more miles to Jupiter,
all alone on this godforsaken starship.
Thank god I’ve got my little friend
to keep me company.

KLAUS (O.C.)
Turn it up HIGHER.
We can’t HEAR it.

LAURA
Hold on.
I’m still getting used to it.

BEHIND THE CAMERA
Klaus reaches over.
Grabs an identical control box
with a wire coming out of it.
Starts turning a knob.

KLAUS
(low, to himself)
This’ll teach you
to disobey your DIRECTOR --

ANGLE ON
The wire.

Running across the floor
to Laura’s gurney.

ON THE SET
Laura starts moaning softly.

The HUMMING starts getting
LOUDER, FASTER.

LAURA
OW, FUCK --

She YANKS the tube out.
THROWS the box across the room.

LEAPS UP off the gurney.
Klaus RACES into frame.

KLAUS
What the FUCK?

LAURA
You fucking ELECTROCUTED me,
you fucking PERVERT.

She RACES out of the room.
SLAMS the door.

KLAUS
(calls out after her)
Haven’t you heard the phrase
‘suffering for your art?’
(to himself)
We can use that in the gag reel.
God, I’m brilliant.