A Bird In The Bush

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In Chapter 12 of LEGS, Episode 3, Basil, Bernie and Carrie hear that the cops have found Basil's kidnapped wife Kitty's stolen car. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, officer Megan Paul gets 'up close and personal' with her new partner, Ilona Rameriz.


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Basil talks on the phone.
Everyone watches him. Hopeful.

BASIL
Hello? Hello?
(looks at Bernie)
I only get voice mail,
and when I try to get the main desk,
I get another recording.

CARRIE
I hate that shit.
You can’t get a fucking person
on the line anymore.

BERNIE
There goes that great idea of yours.

BASIL
Shut up.
It was a great idea.
Just my bad luck he’s not in the office.

CARRIE
So leave him a voice mail.
Don’t spill the beans,
just tell him that it’s urgent.
Maybe he’ll call back.

BASIL
Good idea.
(to Bernie)
Some help you are.

He starts dialing again.
Meg gets up.

Heads toward the kitchen
with her coffee cup.
Ilona follows with hers.

INT. MEG’S KITCHEN - DAY
Meg goes to the Mr. Coffee.
Pours another cup.

Tops off Ilona’s.
They both take a sip.
Study each other.

ILONA
I always thought Carrie
was a hot tamale.
Smart, too.
Bet she was great in the sackarooni.

MEG
(blushes)
'Sackarooni?'

ILONA
Bet you are, too.

They lock eyes.

MEG
There’s -- people in the next room.

ILONA
(shrugs)
Buncha cops.

MEG
But you’re my -- partner.

ILONA
Well, you know what they say --

She leans in.
Softly kisses Meg.
Lingers a moment.

Then pulls back.
Wicked gleam in her eye.
Meg blushes a deep red.

ILONA
That’ll work.

MEG
(a whisper)
What do they say?

ILONA
(gently places her hands on Meg’s breasts)
A bird in the bush
is worth two in the hands.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie drink coffee.
Stare at the phone.

CARRIE (V.O.)
We were trapped in some kind of
Waiting For Godot from hell.
Time seemed to move in slow-motion,
like it was stuck in molassis.
(beat)
Or up a Kardashian’s big, fat ass.

Bernie’s cell phone RINGS.
He pulls it out of his pocket.

Looks at it.
Smiles. Answers it.

BERNIE
What’s up?
You got good news?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SANTA MONICA POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT DESK - DAY
A GRIZZLED VET COP (50’s) sits behind the front desk,
talks to Bernie on his phone.

GRIZZLED VET COP
We got the fucker
that stole your mother’s car.

BERNIE
Nice.
(cups the phone, to the others)
They got the CAR.
(into the phone)
How’d you get the asshole so fast?

GRIZZLED VET COP
Hey, we protect and serve our own.
Dispatcher sent a chopper to look for it,
and we got lucky.
Greaseball was parked in front of
The Ninety-Nine Cent Store on Pico.

BERNIE
Lo-ser.
(cups phone, to Carrie)
He was at The Ninety-Nine Cent Store.

CARRIE
Hey.
I love the Ninety-Nine Cent Store.
I shop there all the time.

GRIZZLED VET COP
We have him in a
holding cell awaiting processing.
We thought you might want to
interrogate him yourself.

BERNIE
I’m on my way.
Thanks, Jimmy.
(hangs up, to the group)
They’ve got the little shit
in a holding cell.
(to Carrie)
C’mon, let’s go interrogate him.
Find out where the FUCK he got it.

BASIL
Holy shit.
This is GREAT.

CARRIE
They’re not gonna let me do that.
I’m not a cop anymore, remember?

BERNIE
Don’t worry about it.
I’ll make it happen.
I need you to do the
‘good cop, bad cop’ thing with me.

CARRIE
Deja vu all over again.
And I’m not talking
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
(smiles)
Can I be the bad cop?
You never let me be the bad cop.

BERNIE
Are you kidding?
With that rack?