Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hell Hath No Fury

Happy fucking New Year's Eve, hardboiled crime motherfuckers! Ready to raise the roof tonight? Gonna go drink and drive? Maybe knock off a liquor store? Then get your fat asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the chick are hot, the drinks are cold, and the violence bloody ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto the thrilling conclusion to LITTLE GIRL BLUE ... where would-be stripper/college coed Blue Wonder gets revenge, private eye Carrie Love and her ex-husband/ex-partner Bernie Keko mend fences, and Carrie's little brother Seth gets his girl ... Blue.


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION ESTATE - BACK YARD - NIGHT
Gero aims his gun at Blue.

GERO
Hold still or I’ll blow your fucking head off.

CARRIE
Races toward Gero and LEAPS on top of him.
GRABS the gun from his hand. WHACKS him on the head.

Incensed, Blue JUMPS UP. Starts KICKING HIM.

BLUE
MOTHERFUCKER!

BERNIE
RUNS over. Sees what’s going on.

BERNIE
Stop her. She’s gonna hurt him.

CARRIE
Let her get it out of her system.

BLUE
You KILLED MY SISTER.

She continues to wail on Gero.
He raises his hands in protest.
Taking her full wrath.

Seth gets up. Shakes his head. Brushes off the snow.

SETH
(watches Blue)
Whoah. Hell hath no fury.

BERNIE
(to Carrie)
I got a call from Eva.
You’re not gonna believe this --

CARRIE
Try me on for size.

BERNIE
You know the other goon?

CARRIE
That would be Tolly Chill.
The strip club manager.

BERNIE
Your MOTHER shot him. He’s dead.

CARRIE
Holy Oedipus complex.
(beat)
Guess I didn’t fall far from the tree after all.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Nobody MOVE. Or I’ll --
(hiccups)
SHOOT.

FISH
Walks toward the group.
Gun aimed at Carrie and Bernie.

FISH
Let him go.

Blue pulls out her gun and SHOOTS.
Gets him in the belly.

A red stain starts forming on his uniform.

FISH (CONT’D)
You fucking SHOT me.
You’re just -- a GIRL.

She FIRES again.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
Gets him in the head.
He falls backwards into the snow.

BLUE
Who you calling a GIRL?

She PUMPS a few more shots in him.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

BLUE (CONT’D)
MOTHERFUCKER.

BERNIE
Think he’s dead now.

CARRIE
Feels good, doesn’t it.

BLUE
It’s a start.

EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - PRIVATE SECURITY CAR - AT THAT MOMENT
A police cruiser pulls up behind the empty car.
Two UNIFORMED OFFICERS get out.
Walk over and inspect it.

HOT FEMALE OFFICER
(shines a flashlight)
Yeah. It’s empty.

Loud BANGING from the trunk.

GRIZZLED VET OFFICER
What the fuck?

Hot Female goes to the trunk. Opens it.

IN THE TRUNK
Lies Tip. In his underwear.
Trussed up like a pig. Shivering.

TIP
Officers -- boy am I glad to see you.
(weak smile)
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

INT. MARGO’S MANSION - DINING ROOM - DAWN
Some super-cool jazz rendition of a Christmas classic over --
The first rays of light stream in through the windows.
Carrie, Bernie, Seth and Blue sit at the large table.

Also seated are the two cops, and Tip, bundled up in a blanket.

HOT FEMALE OFFICER
This is really nice of you.

GRIZZLED VET OFFICER
Yeah, thanks. Sure smells great.
(smiles)
We’ll take your statements after we eat.
Fuck the chief if he can’t deal with it.

HOT FEMALE OFFICER
Besides, the crime scene techs have a lot of ground to cover.

Eva wheels Margo into the room holding a huge tray of food.

MARGO
This’ll give you guys a start.
I didn’t have enough eggs for everybody --

EVA
So we improvised.

MARGO
Eva added MILK. And CHEESE. Brilliant.

EVA
Old German trick.

They start serving the food. Everyone digs in.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
About that -- thing that happened in the tunnel --

BERNIE
Never happened. Mum’s the word.
(hands her a plate)
Roll?

She takes one. Smiles. WOLFS it down.

BLUE
(to Seth)
So I was thinking --

SETH
(eating)
Yeah? About what.

BLUE
Well, if we could think of this as our first date,
we could get it out of the way.

SETH
Get what out of the way.

BLUE
This.

PUSH IN ON Blue. She leans over. Kisses him.
They fall into each other’s arms.

And start making out.

FADE TO BLACK

[ Coming next year ... BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES. ]

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hold Still Or I'll Blow Your Fucking Head Off

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. It's time for our 'end of the decade' blowout. You say you're looking for cheap weapons? We got 'em. Cheaper chicks? Check. An open bar? Always. Because when the going gets hardboiled, the hardboiled get going ... to That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where we arrive at the exciting, next-to-last installment of our story ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love and would-be stripper/college coed Blue Wonder, they had just escaped a home invasion on Christmas Eve, and have now they've turned the tables on white slave trafficker Gero Chill ... so what does Blue do? Why, she gets her revenge ... by beating the shit out of him ...


INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - BASEMENT - SECRET ROOM - NIGHT
Tolly’s tied to a chair. Looks royally pissed off.
Eva holds a gun on him. Margo naps.

ANGLE ON:
We see that Tolly is loosening the rope on his wrists.

EVA
Shakes her pistol at him. Eyes burning.

EVA
How dare you invade this home.
And on Christmas.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

TOLLY
Shut up, you OLD BAT.
You don’t know nothin’ about NOTHIN.’

EVA
Keep your voice down.
Can’t you see she’s sleeping?

Tolly stands up. RIPS the ropes apart.

TOLLY
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.

The noise wakes Margo. She raises her gun.
Tolly LUNGES at Eva. She SHOOTS him.
Gets him in the shoulder.
He STOPS, startled.
LUNGES at Eva again.

Margo SHOOTS him three times in the chest.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
He falls over, dead.

EVA
Oh my god.

MARGO
Holy shit.

They look at each other.

EVA
Nice shooting.

MARGO
(looks at the gun)
I can’t believe I just did that.

EVA
We should call Bernie on the walkie talkie.

MARGO
You call. I’m kinda tired.
(closes her eyes)
Nice shooting yourself.

EVA
You’re not such a tough nut after all.

MARGO
Keep it under your hat.
Now let me get some sleep.
My ears are still ringing.

And she goes out.
Starts lightly snoring.
Eva shake her head.
She picks up the walkie.
Presses TALK.

EVA
Hello, Bernie?
This is Eva.
Are you there?

INT. POOL HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
Bernie lifts the curtain, peers out the front window.
Then looks at Seth and Blue, standing by the back door.
He nods. They quietly creep outside.

The walkie SQUAWKS to life. Bernie answers it. Listens.

BERNIE
You WHAT? Really?
Margo did? Holy shit.
(listens)
Stay where you are.
We’ll come get you.
Hold on tight.

OUTSIDE
Gero and Mad Dog huddle by the side of the front door.

MAD DOG
I say we blast the fucking shit out of ‘em.
I’m fucking FREEZING.

GERO
No. No guns. Let me think.

CARRIE (O.C.)
Gee, I dunno. That could be dangerous.

GERO
(looks)
What the -- ?

Carrie stands next to a nearby tree.
Points her gun at them.

CARRIE
Drop your weapons, NOW.

Mad Dog reaches for his piece.
Carrie SHOOTS him in the forehead. BANG.
He goes down. THWUNK.

Gero TAKES OFF, runs around the side of the pool house.
Carrie CHASES after him.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Goddammit, come BACK HERE.

IN THE WINDOW
Bernie watches.

BERNIE
Shit.

He opens the door. RACES outside.

OUTSIDE IN THE SECURITY CAR
Fish puts down the flask. Cocks his head.

FISH
That was a gunshot. I better go help.

He opens the car door. Gets out. Weaves a little.

FISH (CONT’D)
Damn. I need to eat somethin.’

And he heads off toward the house.

IN THE BACK
Blue and Seth creep around the corner, holding their guns.
Gero RUNS right into them.
They topple over, HIT the ground.

Gero PISTOL WHIPS Seth.
He GRABS Blue.

GERO
I’ve got you NOW, little girl.

Blue tries to FIGHT back,
but Gero GRABS her wrists in one hand.
Holds his gun to her head in the other.

GERO (CONT’D)
Hold still or I’ll blow your fucking head off.

CARRIE
Races toward Gero and LEAPS on top of him.
GRABS the gun from his hand.
WHACKS him on the head.

Incensed, Blue JUMPS UP.
Starts KICKING HIM.

BLUE
MOTHERFUCKER!

BERNIE
RUNS over. Sees what’s going on.

BERNIE
Stop her. She’s gonna hurt him.

CARRIE
Let her get it out of her system.

BLUE
You KILLED MY SISTER.

She continues to wail on Gero.
He raises his hands in protest.
Taking her full wrath.

Seth gets up. Shakes his head.
Brushes off the snow.

SETH
(watches Blue)
Whoah. Hell hath no fury.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Two Guns, No Waiting

Happy Tuesday, crime fucks. Made any New Year's resolutions yet? 'Not gonna rob any more banks?' 'No more ruthless kidnappings?' You're maybe not gonna drink so much? And make sure your gun is oiled and cleaned at all times? Then it's time to get your turkey-stuffed asses over the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where we continue to race toward the exciting conclusion, in this, the third-to-last chapter ...

Homicide dick Bernie Keko, college coed/would-be stripper Blue Wonder and private eye Carrie Love's brother Seth have escaped into Carrie's family estate pool house, and white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his goons are right outside, about to break in. Meanwhile, Carrie is quietly sneaking up behind them ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS ESTATE - POOL HOUSE - NIGHT
Gero stands at the door. BANG-BANG-BANGS on it with his gun.

GERO
GIVE IT UP, we’ve got you OUTNUMBERED.
Open the door, or we’re COMING IN.

INT. POOL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Seth and Blue crouch behind the sofa, guns aimed.
Bernie leans against the wall near the door.

BERNIE
BULLSHIT. There’s three of US and two of YOU.
It’s a STALEMATE, motherfucker.

OUTSIDE
Mad Dog looks at Gero.

MAD DOG
Shit. What are we gonna do, boss?

GERO
I’m thinking, I’m thinking.

INSIDE
Bernie looks at Seth and Blue.

BERNIE
What are they doing?
Why aren’t they shooting at us?

SETH
Because gunshots will call attention to them.
Somebody will call the cops.

BLUE
I’ve got an idea.

BERNIE
YOU’VE got an idea.

BLUE
Yeah, listen -- there’s a back door.
Why don’t Seth and I sneak around and surprise them?

BERNIE
No way. Do you know how dangerous that is?

BLUE
Duh. You got a better idea?

SETH
I say let’s do it.

BERNIE
I can’t let you do that. It’s crazy.
You’re the one they’re after.

BLUE
That’s why they won’t expect it.
You keep them distracted,
and we’ll sneak up behind ‘em.
(beat)
Saw it in a Lifetime movie.

BERNIE
Well, if it was in a Lifetime movie.

IN THE BACK YARD
Carrie moves from tree to tree
on her way toward the pool house.
She sees Gero and Mad Dog.
Hears them shouting.

CARRIE
Here goes nothing.
(checks her gun)
Two bullets, no waiting.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Pleasure's All Yours, Asshole

Happy 'The Monday After', crime slicksters. I don't know about you, but I'm glad the madness is over and done with, so we can return to what's really important in life. Enough joy and merriment. It's time for murder and mayhem, as we return to the dark side ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where we're racing to the exciting conclusion of our story ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she and her family and friends had successfully fought off a home invasion on Christmas Eve in her mother's house in Beverly Hills during a freak snow storm. They've escaped through underground tunnels, and are now fighting back with blood, bullets ... and family ties ...


INT. BASEMENT - SECRET ROOM - NIGHT
Tolly faces Margo, Eva and Layla. Points his gun at them.
Watches Margo sleeping peacefully. The IV drip.

TOLLY
What’s wrong with the old broad?

EVA
Carrie’s mother had a stroke.
Please don’t hurt her.

TOLLY
That’s her MOTHER?
I’ve died and gone to HEAVEN.
(laughs)
Best hostage I ever had.

PUSH IN ON Margo.
One eye opens a tiny bit. Then closes.

EXT. POOL HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
It’s stopped snowing. All is quiet.
Bernie races toward the pool house.
Seth and Blue come outside. See him.
They run toward each other.

BERNIE
You’re okay.

BLUE
Where’s Carrie?

SETH
And my mom and Eva?

BERNIE
(to Seth)
They’ve been captured.
But Carrie’s on her way to save them.
Don’t worry, they’ll be okay.

BLUE
Holy SHIT.

SETH
Don’t WORRY?

BERNIE
You don’t know Carrie.
If you saw the look on her face --
(motions to the pool house)
C’mon, let’s go inside.
I have a feeling we’re about to expect company.

GERO AND MAD DOG
Appear at the end of the property. See them.

GERO
You there! Stay where you are or we’ll SHOOT.

BERNIE, SETH AND BLUE
Hear him. Look.

BERNIE
LET’S GO.

And they DASH into the pool house.

INT. POOL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Blue and Seth RACE in, followed by Bernie.
He SLAMS the door. Locks it.
Pulls out his gun. Seth holds up his rifle.

BERNIE
(to Seth)
You cover the door. I’ll check the windows.

BLUE
But I don’t have a gun.

Bernie reaches into his boot.
Pulls out a small 22 caliber.

BERNIE
Now you do.

INT. BASEMENT - SECRET ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie stands in the tunnel entrance. Looks at Tolly.
His semi-automatic weapon aimed at her mother. Eva. Layla.

TOLLY
Detective Love. I’m so glad you could join us.

CARRIE
The pleasure’s all yours, asshole.

TOLLY
Now is that any way to greet someone on Christmas?

CARRIE
Ho fucking ho, fuck-face.
(pulls out her gun)
You touch one hair on my mother’s head,
and you’re getting a lump of coal up your ass.

Tolly walks over to Layla.
Places the gun against her head.

LAYLA
(freaking out)
No, PLEASE. Please don’t SHOOT ME.

TOLLY
(to Carrie)
Drop the rod, or I blow Selma Hayek’s brains out.

CARRIE
You blow her head off, I blow off yours.

LAYLA
NO.

EVA
Carrie --

Tolly WHIPS another gun out of his pocket.
Aims it at Carrie.

TOLLY
Forgot to mention I’m ambidextrous.
Drop it, hot stuff -- NOW.

Carrie drops her gun. It CLATTERS to the floor.
Tolly SHOOTS Layla in the head. BANG.
Blood SPRAYS. She HITS the floor.

Eva SCREAMS.

TOLLY (CONT’D)
Now kick the fucking gun OVER HERE.

Carrie KICKS the gun across the floor.
Tolly watches it SPIN.

In a flash, she KICKS him in the crotch, OOF.
He doubles over in pain.
He FIRES his gun. BANG. Misses her.

Eva SCREAMS again.

Margo opens her eyes, and deftly JAMS her stun gun in Tolly’s side.
BZZZZZZZZZZ! 300 watts of electricity ROAR through his body.
He dances like a marionette.

Carrie SOCKS him in the jaw with a hard left. CRACK.
He HITS the floor, THWUNK. Out cold.

CARRIE
Motherfucker.

Everyone stares at Tolly. Then Layla.

EVA
Oh my god. That -- poor girl.

MARGO
I’ve never seen someone -- shot before.

Carrie picks up her gun. Puts it in her waistband.
Gets Tolly’s. Hands one to Eva. The other to Margo.

EVA
What are we supposed to do with these?

CARRIE
(gets his walkie)
I’ve got to go see if Blue is okay.
You two keep him covered.
If he does ANYTHING, don’t hesitate to shoot.
(hands it her)
Call Bernie on this if anything happens.
He has another one.

MARGO
Why don’t we just shoot the bastard now?

CARRIE
It’s against the law.
(takes a breath)
Okay. I gotta go.

MARGO
Be careful, Carrie.

CARRIE
I always am.

She goes to the tunnel. Stops. Turns.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
I love you, mom.

PUSH IN ON Margo. In shock.

MARGO
I -- love you, too.

Friday, December 25, 2009

No One Fucks With Me On Christmas

Happy Christmas cluster-fuck, crime slicksters. The presents have been opened. The eggnog is but a hungover memory. The stockings have been well-hung, and visions of sugar dum-dum bullets are dancing in your holly jolly heads ... at a Very Special Hardboiled Christmas at ... That Killing Feeling.

Onto todays joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where we race toward the exciting conclusion ...

After a brutal home invasion on Christmas Eve in Beverly Hills during a freak snowstorm, private eye Carrie Love, her family, college coed Blue Wonder and homicide dick Bernie Keko have escaped into underground tunnels ... while white slave trafficker Tolly Chill, his father Geo, and their merry band of vicious killers are hot on their trail ...


INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - NIGHT
Carrie and Bernie get to the end.
See a flight of stairs leading up to an oblong door on the ceiling.

BERNIE
(gestures)
Ladies first.

CARRIE
(gestures)
After you.

BERNIE
You always were a contrarian.

CARRIE
You always were a male chauvinist pig.

They stare at each other. He leans in. Kisses her.
She responds. GRABS him passionately. They go at it.
Then pull away from each other.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Nah. Bad idea.

BERNIE
Kinda scary.
(beat)
Worth a try, though.

CARRIE
Temporary insanity.
(beat)
Follow me.

And she starts up the stairs.

INT. NORTH TUNNEL - AT THAT MOMENT
Layla pushes Margo in the wheelchair.
Eva follows, rifle on her shoulder. Marching.

LAYLA
The agency never told me about this.

EVA
Always something going on with this family.
(beat)
You have anyone expecting you home tonight?

LAYLA
Just my cat, Pepe.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Stop right where you are, or I’ll fucking SHOOT.

The women turn, look.
Tolly walks toward them, gun in hand.

TOLLY
Drop the rifle, Blondie, and put ‘em where I can see ‘em.

Eva drops the gun.
It hits the floor, CLACK. Puts ‘em up.

TOLLY (CONT’D)
(points at Layla)
You too, Chiquita Banana.
(beat)
What’s up with the old broad?

EXT. BACK YARD - AT THAT MOMENT
A manhole cover opens up in the ground.
Out comes Seth, then Blue.
They look around, shivering in the cold snow.

BLUE
It’s FREEZING.

He takes off his hoodie. Puts it on her.

SETH
This should warm you up.

BLUE
Th-thanks.

SETH
(points)
The pool house is over there. Follow me.

He grabs her hand, and they DASH off in the snow.

INT - POOL HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT
A door opens up in the floor. It’s SHOVED to the side.
Hits the floor with a THUD.

Carrie, then Bernie come up the stairs. Stop. Look around.

CARRIE
This is the pool house.

BERNIE
How do you know?

CARRIE
I was here earlier tonight.
(beat)
God, that seems like a year ago --

Carrie’s walkie talkie CRACKLES to life.

TOLLY (O.C.)
Detective Carrie Love --

CARRIE
That you, Chill?

TOLLY (O.C.)
Better get your ass back here.
Got some old broad in a wheelchair with me.
Hate to see anything bad happen to her.

CARRIE
Don’t TOUCH HER.
(whispers to Bernie)
He’s got my mother.

BERNIE
Shit.

TOLLY (O.C.)
Got a couple of other ladies, too.
But no Little Girl Blue. She with you?

CARRIE
She’s GONE, asshole. You’re too late.
She went down the other tunnel.

TOLLY
Aha. Well, my associates will catch up with her soon.
(beat)
Now get your ass back to the basement,
if you know what’s good for you.
And the old lady.

CARRIE
Don’t you DARE touch a hair on her HEAD.
I’m on my way.
(clicks it off, to Bernie)_
You go find Blue and Seth.

BERNIE
I should come with you.

CARRIE
BERNIE. That YOUNG GIRL and MY BROTHER are out there.
You gotta find them, make sure they’re okay.
(hands him the walkie)
Here, take this. I’ll get that asshole’s walkie after I kill him.

BERNIE
You’re awfully confident.

CARRIE
He’s got my MOTHER.
(beat)
And NO ONE fucks with me on CHRISTMAS.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

To Protect And Swerve

Happy holidaze, crime motherfuckers. Have your stockings been hung without care? Still looking for the last minute Xmas present for someone you really don't like? Then why not give the gift that keeps killing? A big, steaming slice of hardboiled noir, served cold ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, as we race toward the exciting conclusion of our story ...

All hell has broken loose on Christmas Eve in Beverly Hills during a freak snowtowm ... private eye Carrie Love, college coed Blue Wonder, homicide dick Bernie Keko and Carrie's family escape white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his goons through underground tunnels below the Love estate ... problem is, Carrie's mom just had another stroke, and the cops that were on the scene are now dead ...


INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - BASEMENT - SECRET ROOM - NIGHT
Margo jabs a finger at Eva. Layla looks alarmed.

EVA
Don’t point your finger at me. It’s not polite.

MARGO
You cheated me out of what was MINE.

EVA
I didn’t ask him to change his will, Margo.

MARGO
Bull-SHIT.

LAYLA
Shhhh, calm down.

MARGO
I WILL NOT calm down. This whore got ALL HIS MONEY.
FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS. I got SQUAT.

EVA
How DARE you call me a WHORE. I loved my husband.
Maybe you should take a cue from your daughter,
and stop with the drinking and drugging.
Maybe if you were SOBER,
you’d see what a BITCH you are.

MARGO
A BITCH?

EVA
Yeah, A BITCH. I’ve been nothing but nice to you.
I even invited you to the funeral.

MARGO
You fucking CUNT.
It wasn’t YOUR PLACE to invite ME
to my HUSBAND’S FUNERAL -- it was --

Margo’s body SPASMS. She starts having another seizure.

LAYLA
SHIT.

EVA
NO.

Layla reaches into her bag.
Pulls out a syringe and a small vial.
Starts preparing an injection.

EVA (CONT’D)
What are you giving her?

LAYLA
Ten cc’s of dilaudid, like before?

EVA
(feels Margo’s pulse)
Better make it twenty.

INT. BASEMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly and Mick cup their ears against the wall.

TOLLY
It’s them.

MICK
Yeah, but there’s no door.

TOLLY
So we make one. Knock down the fucking wall.

GERO (O.C.)
You fellas down here?

GERO
Appears at the top of the stairs, with Mad Dog.

TOLLY
Down here, pop.

They start coming down.

GERO
Goddammit. You drag me out of bed on Christmas Eve --

TOLLY
Relax, pop -- we found ‘em.
They’re there in the next room.
Heard em arguing.’

MICK
There’s no door, so we gotta bust in.

GERO
Great. Fucking great.
(to Mad Dog)
Go back to the car and get the sledge hammer.
(to Tolly)
If you wanna get something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - AT THAT MOMENT
Fish is wearing Tip’s uniform. It’s a bit tight on his bulky frame.
He SLAMS the trunk. Gets in the car.

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - CONTINUOUS
He sees the flask on the seat next to him.

FISH
Nice.
(takes a hit, raises it)
Here’s looking at you, kid.
(a sip, winces)
Cheap shit --

A KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the window. Fish rolls it down.
It’s a POLICE OFFICER. Red lights flashing on his cruiser.
Looks pissed off. Having to work on the holiday.

ANGRY COP
You call in the 10-25?

FISH
The ten-what?

ANGRY COP
Home invasion. Private cop called it in.

FISH
Wasn’t me. Everything’s quiet here.
I mean, shit -- it’s Christmas Eve.

ANGRY COP
Fucking kids.

FISH
(holds up the flask)
Wanna belt?

ANGRY COP
What the fuck.

He takes a long pull. Gives it back.

FISH
To protect and swerve, huh?

ANGRY COP
Yeah, thanks. You have a good one. Try and stay warm.
(winks)
But not dry.

The cop goes to his cruiser. Drives off. Fish watches.

FISH
And you try and stay stupid --

INT. BASEMENT - MAIN ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Mad Dog SWINGS the sledge hammer against the wall, BANG.
The wood CRACKS, pieces go FLYING.

MAD DOG
Piece a cake.

He swings again, BANG. The exposed drywall CRACKS.

MAD DOG (CONT’D)
We’ll get through in no time.

GERO
This is a real mess.

TOLLY
I know, pop. I said I was sorry.

GERO
Sorry’s not good enough.
Now you’ve dragged me into this shit --
I’m TOO FUCKING OLD for this, and on CHRISTMAS.
(beat)
I’m thinking of grounding you.

TOLLY
But I’m -- 35, pop.
What are you gonna do, bend me over your knee?

GERO
Don’t tempt me, sonny.
Never too old for corporal punishment.

INT. BASEMENT - SECRET ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Eva and Layla watch with horror as the wall starts to buckle with each BANG.
Margo’s asleep, drugged to the gills.

LAYLA
What are we gonna DO?

EVA
We’ve got two choices.
We can either stay here and fight them --
or we can escape into one of the tunnels.

BANG. The wall SHUDDERS.

LAYLA
I say we get THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

EVA
What about MARGO?

LAYLA
She’s on wheels --

EVA
Let’s get the hell out of here.

BANG. The wall CRACKS.
Layla grabs the back of Margo’s wheelchair.

LAYLA
Which tunnel, left or right?

EVA
Left -- the way Carrie and Bernie went. You go first.

Layla nods, pushes Margo into the tunnel. Eva follows.
The fireplace slides back into place behind her.

BANG. A big hole in the wall COLLAPSES in a cloud of plaster and dust.
Mad Dog crawls in the opening. Then Tolly and Gero.
They stand up. Brush themselves off. Look around.

GERO
What the fuck?

TOLLY
I heard them, they were IN HERE.

MAD DOG
They ain’t now.

GERO
Goddammit to HELL. You fucking IDIOT.
(goes to the fireplace)
I’m gonna bash your SKULL IN.
(grabs the poker)
FUCK-HEAD.

The fireplace slides open. Revealing the tunnels.

TOLLY
Holy fucking shit.

GERO
Open Sesame.
(pulls out his gun)
Tolly, you take the left tunnel,
Mad Dog and I’ll take the right.

TOLLY
(takes out his)
Let’s get ‘em.

They race down the tunnels.

INT. NORTH TUNNEL - AT THAT MOMENT
Seth and Blue walk down the tunnel.

SETH
So these guys killed your sister?

BLUE
Yeah. Carrie thinks Tolly did.
Jonna must have found out about what he does.

SETH
What does he do?

BLUE
He’s a white slave trafficker.
They were auctioning off underaged Romanian girls at the party.

Pause.

SETH
After this is -- over with, I was wondering if --
(beat)
If you’d like to -- go on a --

BLUE
A DATE?

SETH
We could just -- go for coffee.

BLUE
Gee. I’d prefer dinner and a movie.

They stop.

SETH
Really?

BLUE
Really.

She leans over. Kisses him on the cheek.
He gently puts his hands on her shoulders.
Leans in to kiss her, and --

MAD DOG (O.C.)
How much farther do you think this goes?

GERO (O.C.)
Oh, so you’re TIRED? I’m the old man, and I’m FINE.

Seth and Blue stare at each other.

SETH
Someone’s coming.

BLUE
RUN.

And they TAKE OFF down the tunnel.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Somebody Kill Me Now

Happy holidaze, crime slicksters. Looking for an alternative to all the good cheer and glad tidings? Feeling like mowing down all those 'smart shoppers' at the mall? Then you've come to the right place, where good girls go bad, and bad boys get lucky ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where we start to race toward the exciting conclusion of this violent, bloody holiday tale of one one family's horrific yule tide.

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she and her family and friends were defending themselves against a brutal home invasion on Christmas Eve. They've now escaped into secret underground tunnels beneath their Beverly Hills home ... and Carrie and her ex share a 'tender' moment ...


INT. PRIVATE SECURITY VEHICLE - NIGHT
Tip smiles. Takes a hit of his flask. Toasts.

TIP
I’m gonna be a hero.

He reaches for his walkie talkie. Then sees something.

TIP (CONT’D)
Oh, shit -- I better warn them.

INT. MARGO’S MANSION - MAIN CORRIDOR - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly and Mick walk through the house, checking each room.

TOLLY
(on the walkie)
Look, they’re hiding, okay?
We’ll find ‘em. It’s a big fucking house.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GERO’S LIMO - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Gero curses under his breath.

GERO
Well, then why don’t one of you two Einsteins
COME OUTSIDE and LOOK for us?
(looks out the window)
There’s no one else around here.

TOLLY
In the fucking snow?
Just look for our car. It’s in the driveway.

DRIVER
Sir, there’s a private patrol car outside.
What should I do? You want me to whack ‘em?

GERO
(on the walkie)
I’ll call you back.
(to the driver)
See what he wants.
Tell ‘em we’re from out of town, and we’re lost.

The driver rolls down his window. Tip pokes his head in.

TIP
Good evening. Just wanted to warn you.
There’s a bunch of criminals in the neighborhood.
Home invasion. And there’s more on the way.
You live around here?

Gero leans forward. Aims a gun at his head.

GERO
Thanks for the update, sport. Now get in.

The back door opens. Strange-Looking Goon beckons him in.

STRANGE-LOOKING GOON
Come on in, we got egg nog.

INT. BASEMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie looks at a door at the end of the bar.

CARRIE
Where does this go?

MARGO
Into the regular basement.
But you can’t see it from the other side.

CARRIE
Gotcha. And the tunnels?

MARGO
Go to the fireplace.
Pull on the first poker on the left.

Carrie walks over.
Grabs the poker, pulls it like a lever.
The fireplace SLIDES TO THE LEFT,
revealing a pair of tunnels that split off at forty-five degree angles.

CARRIE
Holy shit.

MARGO
Hey, if it was good enough for Capone.

CARRIE
Where do they go?

MARGO
God, I can’t remember -- it’s been so long.
I think one goes to the pool house,
and the other to the back end of the property --
(beat)
I think.

BERNIE
Are they safe?

MARGO
Hell if I know. I’ve never gone in them.

CARRIE
I say we break up into two groups and check them out.
(to Bernie)
Bernie and I will check out the one on the left,
and Seth and Blue can check out the one on the right.
Sound like a plan?

BERNIE
Can’t wait.

SETH
(looks at Blue)
Fine with me.

BLUE
(looks at Seth)
Yeah.

EVA
What about me?

CARRIE
You stay and protect Margo.

EVA
Okay --

MARGO
Somebody kill me now, because I’m already in hell.

EXT. GERO’S LIMO - NIGHT
Tip sits between Strange-Looking and Ugly, Muscled in the back seat.
Strange has a gun on him.

TIP
I’m not telling you.

Strange CRACKS him on the head with the gun.

TIP (CONT’D)
OW!

STRANGE-LOOKING GOON
So you wanna PLAY, huh?
Alright, let’s play. WHAT’S THE ADDRESS?

He WHACKS him again.

TIP
1600 Sunset Boulevard!
Please don’t HIT ME again!

STRANGE-LOOKING GOON
See? That wasn’t so hard.
And I don’t have to hit you no more.

Gero picks up the walkie. Speaks into it.

GERO
Tolly, you there?

TOLLY (O.C.)
Yeah, pop. What’s up?

GERO
We got the address, found ourselves a rent-a-cop.
Got him in the car, for insurance.

TOLLY (O.C.)
Nice. Hurry on over.
Come in the front door, it’s open.

INT. BASEMENT - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
Tolly’s at the top of the stairs with Mick.

TOLLY
(on his walkie)
We’ll be down in the basement.
Think we got ‘em trapped down there.

IN THE LIMO
Gero turns to Strange-Looking.

GERO
Fish, you put on Bozo’s uniform and drive his car.
Put him in the trunk. This way we’ve got someone
on the outside to watch out for us.

TIP
Hey, wait a minute --

Ugly, Muscled PUNCHES Tip in the face, CRUNCH.
He goes out.

FISH
(to Ugly)
Thanks, Mad Dog.

MAD DOG
Don’t mention it. Tis the season.

IN THE BASEMENT
Tolly puts the walkie in his pocket. Starts down the steps.

TOLLY
They’re on their way. C’mon, let’s check it out.

INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS
Carrie and Bernie walk down the corridor.
Wood panelling. Linoleum tiles.
They both wave flashlights.

CARRIE
Check out the craftsmanship, must of cost a fortune.

BERNIE
So listen, can I -- ask you something?

CARRIE
Sure.

BERNIE
I guess cause it’s Christmas, you know --
gets a guy thinking --
(beat)
Now that you’ve stopped drinking,
I was wondering if you’d like to --
have coffee or something?

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Bernie. It was over A LONG time ago.

BERNIE
We had a lot of fun, though --

CARRIE
Oh, yeah. A lot of fun. Too much fun.
(beat)
We’ll always be friends. You know that.

BERNIE
Friends that call you on Christmas Eve and ask for help?

CARRIE
Something like that.

Pause.

BERNIE
So are you still into girls, or was that because you were --

CARRIE
Drunk most of the time?
(off his look)
I’m still into girls.
But now I’m just a little more -- picky.
(smiles)
But I still like guys.

BERNIE
Not too confusing.

CARRIE
Welcome to my life.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Call Me Ishmael

Happy Tuesday, crime-fucks. Did you miss me yesterday? Had some hardboiled computer problems, but we're back in action today. So pour yourself a fresh cocktail, load up your favorite piece, and get your asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, and you better hold onto your seats, kids, cause this one's a doozy ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family and friends against white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his band of goons ... who have invaded her mother's home on Christmas Eve during a freak snowstorm. The gang has escaped into a secret basement room, but the mobsters are hot on their trail ... but just when all seems lost, Carrie's mother reveals a secret tunnel ...


INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Carrie walks over to the bookcase. Scans the titles. Finds it.
Pulls it out by the spine --
and the bookcase SLIDES open,
revealing a staircase going down.

CARRIE
Geraldo Rivera eat your heart out.
(to Blue)
Why don’t you help Layla get mom into the wheelchair.
(to Bernie and Seth)
And you guys help me move the desk in front of the door.
It should buy us some time.

EVA
What can I do?

CARRIE
Why don’t you go down first, look around. Be our scout.

EVA
(nods)
You know, if I wasn’t scared shitless,
I’d say this is the most fun I’ve had in years.

INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Tolly and Mick stand in front of Porkpie’s dead body.

MICK
The fucking bitch.

TOLLY
And they got his gun. SHIT.

MICK
So what now?

TOLLY
Let’s go down the chimney --
(KA-CHINKS the gun magazine)
And deliver the presents.

INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Carrie and Bernie push the desk against the door.
Layla wheels Margo to the steps.
Bernie races over. Grabs a handle.

BERNIE
(to Seth)
Let’s carry her.

SETH
(grabs the other)
Got it.

POUNDING on the door.

TOLLY (O.C.)
Hey, YOU IN THERE.
Open the door RIGHT NOW, or we’ll start SHOOTING.

CARRIE
Hurry up, let’s go.
(to Margo)
How do you close it again?

MARGO
There’s a switch on the wall.

CARRIE
(at the door)
Get THE FUCK out of my MOTHER’S HOUSE.

ON THE OTHER SIDE
Tolly looks at Mick.

MICK
I say we fuckin’ blast ‘em.

TOLLY
Let’s DO IT.

IN THE STUDY
The door ERUPTS in MACHINE GUN FIRE. Wood SPRAYS.

CARRIE
Move it, move it, move it --

Bernie and Seth carry Margo down the stairs.
Blue follows, then Layla. And Carrie.
The panel closes. THWUNK.

The top half of the door above the desk is SHREDDED by bullets.
A confetti of wood SPRAYS into the room.

It falls over. BANG.
Tolly and Mick step up onto the desk.
Walk in the room.

TOLLY
What the fuck? GODDAMMIT.
They were just HERE. I HEARD her --

MICK
Where the fuck did they GO?

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - AT THAT MOMENT
Tip talks on his cell phone.

TIP
Yes, on the walkie talkie.
The woman said she and her family were being attacked.
It’s a HOME INVASION.
(listens)
I told you, I DON’T KNOW the address.
She got cut off --
(listens)
Just send some officers,
and we’ll figure it out when they get here.
(listens)
THANK YOU.

He hangs up. Picks up the flask. Takes a drink. Toasts.

TIP (CONT’D)
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening --

INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
A large, dusty room. Dim light from a single light.
The joint looks like an old-time saloon.

Carrie, Bernie, Blue, Seth, Margo and Layla huddle together.
Seth flicks on a light switch. Nothing.

SETH
I thought Diego changes the lights.

MARGO
He does, in the main basement.
This is a secret room.
He doesn’t know about it.

Carrie walks around, inspecting the walls.

CARRIE
So I imagine there is at least one secret tunnel.

MARGO
There are two, actually.
Bonus points if you can find them.

CARRIE
You’re gonna make this as difficult as possible, aren’t you.

SETH
Well, we wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t been followed here.

BERNIE
You got THAT right.

BLUE
Oh, no -- it’s all my fault, you guys.

CARRIE
Everybody shut up.
(to Margo)
Mom, I’m sorry if I didn’t live up to your expectations --
but I’m my own person now, I’m an ADULT,
and I deserve to be treated with respect.
I help people for a living,
and I seem to remember you
fell in love with my father because HE did.
(to Seth)
Little brother, I’m sorry if you think I abandoned you
after I joined the police force,
but in case you didn’t know it,
DEAR MOTHER here forbade me from contacting you.
Said I was a bad influence.

SETH
Mom?

CARRIE
Let me finish.
(to Bernie)
And you, my dear ex-husband and former partner.
(points at Blue)
As I seem to remember when we joined the force,
we were sworn to protect and serve the public --
and that’s all I’m trying to do for this girl.
Her sister was MURDERED,
and she was about to be, too --
so PARDON ME for saving her life.
(to everyone)
So NOW you know why I’ve been avoiding coming home.
Because THIS SHIT follows me WHEREEVER I GO.
So let’s stop bickering.
It’s gonna be Christmas tomorrow morning soon,
and there’s no way in HELL I’m gonna spend it in a funeral home.
Carrie’s walkie talkie CRACKLES to life.

GERO (O.C.)
Tolly, you there?

She motions everyone to be quiet.

TOLLY (O.C.)
I’m here, pop.

GERO (O.C.)
We’re nearby. What’s the address?

TOLLY (O.C.)
I told you, I don’t know.

GERO (O.C.)
Goddammit.
(beat)
That broad still on this thing?

She changes the frequency to the other one she used before.

CARRIE
Hey, you -- private security guy, you still there?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Tip picks up his walkie. Speaks into it.

TIP
The Name’s Tip. I’m here.
Is this the lady whose house is being invaded?

CARRIE
The one and only. Call me Ishmael.
So listen, the invaders have backup, and they’ve just arrived.
They’re circling the area because the idiots don’t know the address.
Keep an eye out for ‘em.
Probably the only car out in this neighborhood in the blizzard.

TIP
Gotcha. Will do.

CARRIE
The cops on their way?

TIP
Yeah. But I didn’t get your address. We got cut off.

CARRIE
1600 Sunset Boulevard.

TIP
Great. I’ll alert them and then I’m on my way.
Are you all okay?

CARRIE
Yeah, thanks. It’s a long story, but we’re safe right now.
We’ve killed two of them, and there’re two left.

TIP
Holy shit. Keep me posted, Ishmael.
Merry Christmas.

CARRIE
Yeah. If you say so.
(shuts it off, to everyone)
Okay, the private security guy is gonna give the cops the address,
and they should be on their way soon.
But I think we should check out the tunnels.
Whataya say?

Friday, December 18, 2009

Geraldo Rivera, Eat Your Heart Out

Happy Friday, hardboiled crime motherfuckers. You say you're fed up? Mad as hell, and can't take it anymore? Then slip on your shoulder holster, load up your favorite piece, and head on over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's steaming slab of action, courtesy of LITTLE GIRL BLUE ...

Now that white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his henchmen have invaded private eye Carrie Love's family's Beverly Hills mansion on Christmas Eve, Carrie and the gang fight back, and kill two of Tolly's goons ... but the survivors are still on the attack, so Margo reveals a secret way to escape ...


INSIDE THE STUDY
Eva sees the doorknob turning.
The door opening --

EVA
The DOOR.

She SHOOTS. BANG.

Blue SHOOTS. BANG.
The rifle KNOCKS her shoulder.
She JERKS.

Seth FIRES OFF a BLAST OF ROUNDS -
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Tolly reaches around, AND FIRES into the room.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

INSIDE THE STUDY
Everybody DUCKS. HITS the floor.
Eva and Blue reload.

Seth FIRES again.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. Eyes on fire.

INT. CARRIE’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Gunshots RING OUT from downstairs.
No one moves.

Porkpie holds his gun on Carrie.
Listening. Concentrating.

Carrie looks at Bernie.
Her eyes flicker. He slightly nods.

Confused, Porkpie moves his gun from Carrie to Bernie.
Carrie SHOOTS him in the head.
BANG. He goes down. THWUMP.

CARRIE
(picks up the walkie)
Haven’t used that one in a long time.

BERNIE
Like old home week. Grab his gun.

CARRIE
(takes it)
Let’s go downstairs. Join the party.

BERNIE
Better take the service stairs.

CARRIE
Service with a smile.

BERNIE
Don’t get carried away.
I’m still mad at you.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Tolly stands next to the door.
Looks at the holes in it.

TOLLY
Gotta go get Mick.

He turns, and RACES up the stairs to the second floor.

INT. SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Tolly races into Carrie’s room.
Sees Aldo’s dead body.
And Mick. All tied up.

MICK
Took you long enough.

TOLLY
(starts untying him)
Shut the fuck up.
(beat)
They’ve all got guns. Goddamit.

He finishes. Mick’s free.
Tolly takes his Uzi.

MICK
What now?

TOLLY
(raises the Uzi)
We go the fuck downstairs and get the bitches.

MICK
Where’s Porkpie?

TOLLY
I thought he was -- here, upstairs.

MICK
Don’t look at me.
I’ve been a little tied up.

INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Bernie and Carrie dash into the room.
Close the door.

SETH
Carrie. What happened?

CARRIE
We killed another one of them.
Got his Uzi. Have more firepower.

BERNIE
They’re now down to two.
And one of ‘em is tied up.

BLUE
Wow.

SETH
One of them was out there,
but we shot at them,
and now he’s gone.

CARRIE
Where?

Seth shrugs.

BERNIE
(looks at Carrie)
Okay, so what now?

Margo opens her eyes. Blinks.
Looks around the room.

MARGO
We could go down to the basement.
It’s probably a lot safer.

LAYLA
Mrs. Love?

MARGO
I told you, call me Margo.

LAYLA
I gave you enough Dilaudid to knock out A-Rod.

MARGO
Honey, please.
You should see my medicine cabinet.

CARRIE
What do you mean downstairs?
The door to the basement
is at the other end of the house.

MARGO
Your father never wanted you kids to know,
but there’s a secret door
in this room that leads down there --
left over from Prohibition.
There’s all kinds of tunnels down there.

CARRIE
And you’re just telling us this NOW?

MARGO
I would have before --
(points at Layla)
But this one keeps pumping me full of drugs.

LAYLA
Excuse me for doing my job.

BERNIE
So how do we get down there?

MARGO
Go to the bookcase. Pull out Moby Dick.

Carrie walks over to the bookcase.
Scans the titles. Finds it.
Pulls it out by the spine --
and the bookcase SLIDES open,
revealing a staircase going down.

CARRIE
Geraldo Rivera eat your heart out.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

That Fucking Bitch Is So Close I Can Smell Her

Happy Thurdsay, crime fighters. Are you ready for another trip to the dark side? Ready for a swift kick in the balls? Then it's time once again to head on out to the hippest harboiled joint in cyberspace, where the action is steamin' ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's steaming slab of action, courtesy of LITTLE GIRL BLUE ...

Where private eye Carrie Love is defending her family and friends against a home invasion on Christmas Eve in Beverly Hills during a freak snowstorm ... and so far, they've been successful at keeping out Tolly Chill and his goons ... when, just in the knick of time, Tolly's father arrives ...

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tolly and Porkpie huddle.

TOLLY
You check the rest of the rooms on this floor.
I’ll go downstairs.
That fucking bitch is so close I can smell her.

PORKPIE
Okay.
(beat)
Really? You can smell her?

TOLLY
It’s an expression, you idiot.
C’mon, move it.

They start for the door.

IN THE STUDY
Seth, Blue, Eva and Layla watch Margo sleep.

LAYLA
It’s working.

EVA
You can thank the Polytechnic Institute of Berlin.

BLUE
(to Seth)
What do you think’s going on upstairs?

SETH
I don’t know.

Margo opens her eyes.
Looks dazed. A weak smile.

MARGO
Well, isn’t this a lovely reunion.

BLUE
Mom. How do you feel?

MARGO
Just -- fabulous.
For some reason I feel like --
listening to the Grateful Dead.
(looks at Eva)
Eva. How wonderful to see you.
You’re looking lovely as usual.

Everyone exchanges glances.

EVA
Sometimes the combination of medications
can strip away the patient’s inhibitions.

A soft THUMP outside the door.

SETH
What was that?

He walks over to the door.
Puts his ear against it. Listens.

SETH (CONT'D)
Someone’s out there.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FRONT DRIVE - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero and TWO GOONS stand in the driveway.
His LIMO pulls up in front of them.
They get in. It pulls away.

INT. LIMOUSINE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Gero sits in the back, with who we now recognize as
Strange-Looking Goon and Ugly Goon from the party.

DRIVER
Where to, sir?

GERO
Go down to Sunset and turn right.
I’ll let you know when we get there.

IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM
Carrie argues with Tip on the walkie talkie.

CARRIE
Now listen to me, asshole. This is for REAL.
I’m a private detective, and a FORMER COP.
I need you to call the REAL COPS,
and send a couple units over here.
I’m here with my family,
and we’re BEING ATTACKED by INTRUDERS.

PORKPIE (O.C.)
Put down the walkie, NOW.

PORKPIE
Walks into the room. Gun on Carrie.
She DROPS it. CLANK.

Bernie WHIPS out his gun.
Points it at Porkpie.

BERNIE
You shoot and you’re DEAD.

PORKPIE
You shoot and SHE’S dead.

CARRIE
Fellas, fellas -- let’s calm down here.

INT. TIP’S SECURITY VEHICLE - AT THAT MOMENT
He listens to the walkie. Presses ‘talk.’

TIP
Hello, are you still there?
I believe you, I believe you --
I need your address.
(listens)
Hello?
(beat)
Shit.

He puts down the walkie.
Picks up his cell phone.

PUNCHES a number. Listens.

TIP (CONT’D)
911? I’d like to report a crime in progress.
(beat)
A home invasion.
(beat)
Yes, I’ll hold.

INT. MARGO’S MANSION - STUDY - AT THAT MOMENT
Seth grabs his gun. Aims it at the door.

SETH
There’s someone out there.

BLUE
Shit.

EVA
(aims hers, whispers)
Let’s get ‘em.

MARGO
We have company?

LAYLA
Shh.

Layla adjusts the drip.
Margo goes out like a light.

EVA
We know you’re OUT THERE,
and we’ve ALL GOT GUNS.
So why don’t you GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

SETH
(looks at her)
Eva --

OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Tolly steps away from the door.
Pulls out his gun.

TOLLY
What the fuck?

He puts his hand on the doorknob.
Slowly turns it. Pushes --

INSIDE THE STUDY
Eva sees the doorknob turning.
The door opening --

EVA
The DOOR.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Be It Ever So Humble

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. You say you're slogging through another dreary work week, inching toward Friday fun? Well, why not get your hardboiled pulp groove on, and high-tail it over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the action is fast and furious ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family against a home invasion in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve during a freak snowstorm ... and now Tolly's Chill's goons have made their way inside the house ... where the bullets are flying, and the shit is hitting the fan ...

Deck the halls, indeed.


INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
Carrie and Bernie listen at the connecting door.
She gives him a look that says ‘you hear anything?’ Bernie shrugs.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. CARRIE’S ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Mick presses his ear against the door. Breathing heavily.

CARRIE
looks at Bernie. Points.
Mouths he’s right there.
She grabs the doorknob.
Nods with her head toward the room.
He nods.

She steps to the side --
and YANKS the door open.
Mick FALLS into the room, BANG.
HITS the floor.

She CRACKS him on the head with her gun.
LEAPS on top of him.

CARRIE
Get his GUN!

Bernie reaches for it,
but Mick THROWS Carrie off.
She FLIES across the room,
hits the wall with a THWUMP.

He WHIRLS AROUND,
and PUNCHES Bernie in the stomach, OOF.
ENRAGED, he stands up.
Points his pistol at Bernie.

MICK
Prepare to die, COCKSUCKER.

Carrie comes up behind him,
and BASHES him on the head with a chair. CRACK.
He goes down like a ton of bricks.

BERNIE
Like old times.

CARRIE
Always were a great team.

Carrie sees his walkie talkie on the floor.
She picks it up.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
This should come in handy.
(nods at Mick)
What should we do with him?

BERNIE
Tie him up and take him downstairs
where the others can keep an eye on him.

CARRIE
Take him hostage?

BERNIE
I’m an officer of the law,
placing him under arrest.

CARRIE
More like house arrest.

BERNIE
Hey. Be it ever so humble --

INT. GERO’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero lies in bed watching an old gangster movie on TV.

GERO
They’re sure taking their sweet time.

He picks up the phone.
Dials a number. Listens.

GERO (CONT’D)
Shit. Must be the weather.

Gero gets out of bed.
Pads over to the dresser.
Picks up his walkie talkie.
CLICKS it on.

GERO (CONT’D)
TOLLY, where the fuck are you?
What’s going on?
You get the broad yet?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly speaks into his walkie.

TOLLY
Hey, pop.
Fucking snowstorm’s a bitch.
But we made it. We’re here.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie holds the walkie. Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE
Hey there, scumbag.
Snowstorm’s a bitch, and SO AM I.

GERO
Who the fuck is THAT?

TOLLY
YOU. How’d you get on this line?

CARRIE
Well, let’s see -- Paulie Walnuts is dead,
and we’ve got the Mick tied up in knots.
Why don’t you come join the party?

GERO
What the fuck?

TOLLY
Send more men, Pop.
We’re in Beverly Hills, on Sunset Boulevard.

GERO
What’s the address?

TOLLY
Shit. I -- left the GPS thing in the car.

CARRIE
Now that’s what I call a well-oiled machine.

TOLLY
Fuck you, bitch.
(to Gero)
I’ll call you back later.
When we’ve got some PRIVACY.

He CLICKS off the walkie.
Looks at Porkpie. Pissed off.
Gero shuts off his. Incensed.

CARRIE
Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE
We’ve got a lifeline.
We can call for help.

She switches the frequency.
Punches the TALK button.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Hello, can anyone hear me?
It’s an emergency.
We’re being attacked by intruders --

TIP (O.C.)
Hey, you kids -- get off this line,
it’s for emergencies only.

CARRIE
I’m not a kid, this is for real.

TIP (O.C.)
Yeah, right -- and I'm Pee Wee Herman.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Stitch In Time

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday ... will they ever hang a noose on you? Welcome back to the scene of the crime, cyber-hipsters, where the action is hot, the chicks are hotter, and the hardboiled violence is smokin' ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the shit is now hitting the proverbial fan.

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family against a home invasion on Christmas Eve in Beverly Hills in the middle of a freak snowstorm, but now her mother is having another seizure, more goons are making their way into the house, and the drunken local private security patrol has just been informed that there have been 'shots fired' ...


INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT
Margo is having another SEIZURE. Layla holds her hand.
Increases the dosage on her drip.

LAYLA
We need a doctor, NOW. I don’t know what else to do.
(looks at everyone)
I’m just a NURSE.

SETH
(rushes over to her)
Mom, are you okay? Can you hear me?
(to Layla)
You gotta DO something.
Can’t you give her anything?

BLUE
Ohmigod.

She rushes to Seth.
Collapses in his arms.
He comforts her.

SETH
(to Eva)
Can’t YOU do something?
You were a doctor.

EVA
I was a doctor -- back in Germany.
But here in America, they don’t acknowledge my degree.

She looks off into space.
A bitter memory.
Stares at Margo.
Something resembling concern flashes on her face.

EVA (CONT'D)
(to Layla)
Do you have any morphine?
Something to knock her out?

LAYLA
I have Dilaudid --

EVA
Perfect. Give her 10 cc’s.

LAYLA
But that might -- put her in a coma.

EVA
Not that much.
And it would stop any brain damage.
(smiles)
It’s a European method.
Not used here in the States.
Simple, but effective.
Give her the Dilaudid,
and then a blood thinner.
The combination of the drugs --
something to stop the seizures,
and then something to open up
the artery to the brain -- can work.

SETH
(to Layla)
Go ahead, do it.

Layla crosses herself.
Pulls a small bottle out of her bag.

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - AT THAT MOMENT
Tip is fast asleep. He snores lightly. The radio SQUAWKS.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
Base to Unit Three, come in.

But he’s really sawing wood.
Dead to the world.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.) (CONT'D)
BASE TO UNIT THREE, do you COPY?

Tip SNORTS. Must be a great dream.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.) (CONT'D)
UNIT THREE, ARE YOU THERE?

He stirs. Opens his eyes.
Looks at the radio.
Reaches over, grabs the transmitter.

TIP
This is Unit -- Three. Whassup?

BITCHY DISPATCHER
Have a nice nap?

TIP
I wasn’t sleeping.
(rubs his eyes)
Is that you, Dick?
You sound -- different.

BITCHY DISPATCHER
NO, it’s not DICK. This is Germaine.

TIP
Gare-main?

GERMAINE
I’m a temp.

TIP
Oh. So what’s up?

GERMAINE
Got a call. Shots fired.
Sixteen hundred block of Sunset.
Probably a crank,
but you should check it out.

TIP
It’s Christmas Eve, for Chrissakes.
It’s a crank.

GERMAINE
Better check it out. A stitch in time.

TIP
Gee. Thanks for the pearls of wisdom.

GERMAINE
I don’t think I like your attitude.

TIP
That makes two of us, fella.

GERMAINE
Asshole.

TIP
FREAK.

He shuts off the radio. Pissed off.
He starts the engine.

TIP (CONT’D)
Well, that’ll wake you up --

EXT. MARGO’S MANSION - BACK YARD
It’s really coming down now. Snow drifts everywhere.
The joint is now like a white shroud.

Tolly and Porkpie stand on the ladder,
now up against another window.
Porkpie’s at the top. Looks down at Tolly.

TOLLY
Try to open it. Slowly. Don’t make any noise.

PORKPIE
Fucking snow. Ladder is slippery.
Hold my ankles, willya?

Tolly does. Porkpie reaches up.
Holds onto the bottom of the window.
Gives it a push. It opens.

PORKPIE (CONT’D)
Hey. Look I found under the tree.

TOLLY
So make like Saint Nick and get the fuck in there.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Scene of the Crime

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Did you have a great weak-end? Feeling the holiday spirit ... of evil? Ready to get back into the hardboiled crime groove? Then get your winter wonderland asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the action is kicked up a notch ...

It's complete mayhem at private eye Carrie Love's mother's house, where she and her mother Margo, her brother Seth, college co-ed Blue Wonder and Carrie's ex homicide detective Bernie Keko are fending off mobster Tolly Chill and his goons, who are trying a little 'Christmas Eve home invasion.' Shots are fired, blood flows, and there's just no time for eggnog ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION -NIGHT
Tolly climbs ladder. Gets near the window.
Stops. Looks down at Porkpie.

TOLLY
Wait a minute.

PORKPIE
What?

TOLLY
Why don’t we leave them up there --
and then you and I go in ANOTHER window?

PORKPIE
That, boss -- is why you’re the boss.
Fuckin’ brilliant.

They start climbing back down.
Aldo sticks his head out the window.
Sees them.

ALDO
Hey, where are you guys goin’?

TOLLY
(loud whisper)
You guys stay up there, hold ‘em off for a bit.
Make ‘em think you’re trapped in there.
We’re gonna go in through another window.

ALDO
That’s fucking brilliant.

PORKPIE
That’s what I said.

ALDO
Mick got one in the leg,
but it’s only a flesh wound.
We’ll hold ‘em off for a while.

TOLLY
Tell Mick to hang tight.
Reinforcements are coming.

Aldo nods. Goes back in.
Tolly starts climbing back down.

TOLLY (CONT’D)
Gonna get that fucking bitch.
NO ONE gets away with disrespecting Tolly Chill.

IN THE HALLWAY
Eva pokes her head out of the door.

EVA
The shooting stopped.

CARRIE
They’ve barricaded themselves IN there.

Go down and tell everyone what’s going on.
Make sure my mom’s okay,
then come back up and join us.
This isn’t over yet.

EVA
Will do.

She dashes toward the stairs.

BERNIE
So what do we do now?

CARRIE
We wait them out.
Come up with a plan.
(thinks)
Oh shit, I just remembered.

BERNIE
What?

CARRIE
The connecting bathroom.

BERNIE
Shit, that’s right.
Between your room --

CARRIE
And the guest room, yeah.
The scene of our crimes.
Come on, let’s go check it out.

IN THE STUDY
The door opens.
Layla SHOOTS in.
Closes it behind her.

SETH
Are you okay?

LAYLA
I stayed in the bathroom.

BLUE
It’s quiet now.
Maybe they got them.

SETH
NO --

BLUE
I meant maybe Carrie and Bernie got THEM.

The door OPENS. In comes Eva.

EVA
It’s okay, everyone.
Carrie and Bernie have the bad men trapped in her room.

SETH
She DOES?

BLUE
Holy SHIT.

Margo opens her eyes, groggy.
Looks at Eva.

EVA
(brightly)
Margo. How are you feeling?

MARGO
What the fuck are you doing with my rifle?

INT. CARRIE’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Aldo helps Mick tie a tourniquet around his leg. TIGHT.

MICK
So what now.

ALDO
There’s another door.
Let’s check it out.

MICK
But boss said to sit tight.

ALDO
And if he told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

MICK
Fuck you. At least we’re warm.
I say we stay here.

ALDO
My point IS, dummy --
that if there’s another door,
they could come IN.

MICK
Oh. Right.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM
Carrie and Bernie walk in.
Tip-toe over to the connecting door
into where Mick and Aldo are. Listen.

IN CARRIE’S ROOM
Mick and Aldo go to the same door. Listen.
Mick looks at Aldo. Shrugs.
Aldo screws his face up.
He’s about to sneeze.

Mick CLAMPS his hand on Aldo’s mouth.
But it’s no good.
He let’s a LOUD ONE RIP --

ALDO
A-CHOOO!

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM
Carrie and Bernie OPEN FIRE.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

IN CARRIE’S ROOM
Aldo gets HIT in the chest.
Falls to the floor, THWUMP.

Mick ROLLS away to the side.
Starts PUMPING SHOTS at the door.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM
Carrie and Bernie JUMP on either side of the door.

CARRIE
(whispers)
I got one of ‘em.
You hear that ‘thump?’

BERNIE
What about the other one.

CARRIE
Let’s wait and find out.

IN CARRIE’S ROOM
Mick sits on the floor, under the window.
Holds his right hand.
It’s bleeding pretty bad.

MICK
God-DAMMit.

He goes to the bed.
Pulls off a pillow case.
RIPS off a strip of fabric.
Starts winding it around his hand.

MICK (CONT’D)
Fucking BITCH is gonna PAY.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Dysfunctional Family Picnic

Happy Friday, crime-busters. You ready for some pulse-pounding, ass-kicking hardboiled thrills? Then you've come to the right place, where you can all the cheap, pervy kicks you want ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's action-packed joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where private eye Carrie Love is right now in the middle of defending her family against a home invasion on Christmas Eve ...

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Glass SHATTERS. A big THUD. CRASHING noises behind the door.
Bernie, Carrie and Eva exchange horrified looks.

EVA
Oh my GOD.

BERNIE
It’s THEM.

CARRIE
And they’re in MY ROOM.

Carrie CLICKS the safety on her Glock.
Moves to the left of the door.

Signals to be quiet.
Bernie SHOVES a clip in his Baretta.
Moves to right side.

BERNIE
(whispers to Eva)
Go down the hall, around the corner.
Wait for us.

EVA
(CRACKS the rifle bolt)
Screw that. I’ll cover you.

She opens the door across from them. Goes in the room.
Closes it until all we see is the barrel of her rifle.

IN THE STUDY
Seth and Blue pull apart.

BLUE
What the FUCK was that?

SETH
Someone’s trying to get in.

They grab their guns.
Seth goes to the door. Listens.

UPSTAIRS
Carrie leans toward the door.

CARRIE
We know you’re IN THERE.
Come out with your HANDS UP
and we won’t KILL you.

BERNIE
We’ve got you SURROUNDED.
You’ll never make it out of here ALIVE.

INT. CARRIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Still as it was when Carrie was a teenager.
Cute. Colorful.

Mick and Aldo stand in the middle of the room.
Guns aimed at the door. They exchange looks.

They start FIRING at the door.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

EXT. MANSION - BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS
Tolly and Porkpie look up at the window. Hear the firing.

PORKPIE
They’re thugs.
No finesse -- no stealth.
Just go in blasting.

TOLLY
You want something done right,
you gotta do it yourself. C’mon.

He starts climbing up the ladder.
Porkpie follows him.

IN THE HALLWAY
Carrie and Bernie watch the door get BLOWN TO BITS.
Chunks of wood go FLYING.
They both LEAN IN, start FIRING.

IN THE BEDROOM
Mick gets SHOT in the LEG.
SCREAMS in pain.

MICK
MOTHERFUCKERS.

He goes to the bureau.
Start SHOVING it toward the doorway.

MICK (CONT’D)
C’mon, HELP ME.

Aldo races over, starts PUSHING it with him.
They wrestle it in front of the doorway.

MICK (CONT'D)
Jesus fucking Christ.
He didn’t say nothing about them having GUNS.

ALDO
The private dick, remember?

MICK
Yeah, but who’s the GUY?

ALDO
Hell if I know.

IN THE HALLWAY
Carrie peers around the doorway.

CARRIE
They’ve blocked it with the dresser.

BERNIE
That’s fucking weird.
Normally WE’D be trying to keep them OUT
while they try to come IN.

CARRIE
They didn’t know what they were up against.

BERNIE
Yeah. The dysfunctional family picnic.