Sunday, January 12, 2014
Electro-Glide In Lube
Hey there, crime kids. Happy Sunday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace.
In Chapter 2 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang nuke some White Castle burgers after a night of wild sex. Meanwhile, Carrie's ex's father wins the powerball lottery, live on TV ... which attracts the attention of a group of drugged-out white trash trailer kids ...
INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - DAY
The lovers sit on bar stools.
Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle cheeseburger.
She wolfs it down in one gulp.
I think I hurt my back.
I think I hurt my tongue.
It’s the dawn of a new era
in my sexual exploits.
I came without you even touching me.
It’s a whole new world --
They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.
Mmm. That was good.
And you liked the burger?
You taste better.
Would you nuke a couple more? Please?
For you, my love,
I’d nuke heaven and earth.
(goes to the microwave,
pops a few more in)
So what’s the name of the movie?
Electro-Glide in Lube.
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage up your --
The microwave DINGS.
Carrie gets up. Gets the burgers.
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
Set phasers to ‘stun’ so to speak.
I know. I’m sorry.
It’s none of my business.
You’re so good to me.
You’re so good to me.
Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small, fragile in her big,
white terry cloth robe. Makeup long gone.
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.
Hey. Enough of that. You deserve it.
I deserve it. We’re just people.
Both of us. We both deserve it.
Then why doesn’t it feel like it?
INT. TV STUDIO - SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL (40’s)
in a sharp suit holds a giant check.
Next to him stands BASIL KEKO (60’s),
Bernie’s father, a big barrel of a man.
Once rock-hard, now soft and doughy,
but still with the stern face of a cop.
Which he was.
GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL
I now present to the winner
of the Powerball Lottery,
Basil Keko of Santa Monica,
this check in the amount of
two-hundred fifty-four MILLION dollars.
Grinning hands it to Basil,
who stares into the camera,
a deer in the klieg lights.
GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL
Do you know what you’re going to do
with this sudden windfall?
Uh, pay off my mortgage --
take the wife on vacation --
And buy myself a big boat.
CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal --
EXT. SHITTY TRAILER HOME - DAY
A double-wide model in serious disrepair.
Once white, now gray.
This is your home on drugs.
INT. SHITTY TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Beyond run-down. Two KIDS sit on a threadbare couch
with cans of beer watching the proceedings
on a giant old-school TV sitting on
planks of wood supported by cinder blocks.
Two-hundred fifty-four million canolis.
Jesus fucking Christ on a Thai stick.
You could buy enough drugs
to open a fucking pharmacy.
Meet DARRYL HEAD (22),
ne’er do well drug enthusiast.
Rail-thin, red hair in a frizzy afro,
with a matching soul patch
that threatens to overtake his chin.
Damn. Imagine being able to walk into a store
and buy whatever the fuck you want.
I’d get me a PINK HUMMER.
Meet WENDY HAMMERS (18), high school drop-out.
Saucy in a belly-T, daisy dukes and flip-flops.
Big, bottle blonde ponytails
on either side of her head.
but the hard partying
is starting to dim her luster.
I’d get me a pink hummer -- from you.
DENNY HEAD (18), Darryl’s
‘special needs’ little brother,
sits on the floor indian-style,
cradling a giant bong in his lap.
Natty in surfer jams and a ‘Weeds’ T-shirt.
He EXHALES a giant cloud of smoke.
Grins, eyes druggy slits.
She said 'hummer.'
Darryl WHIPS his head to the left,
He’s just had another one of his
Wait a minute.
He lives in Santa Monica, too.
He goes to the kitchen counter.
Grabs a phone book.
Rifles through it.
Wendy and Denny watch him, excited.
What’s up, honey-bunny?
Darryl finds the listing.
A maniacal grin.
He WHIRLS around.
Jabs a finger at them. Eyes blazing.
Basil Keko lives on Bay Street.
That’s only ten blocks away.
We gonna go visit him?
I know that look.
You just got one of your
big ideas, didn’t you?
Dashes over to the coffee table.
Leans down. SNARFS up a line of meth.
Jumps back up.
Starts pacing the room like a wild animal.
Thinking. Plotting. Planning.
This is gonna be our biggest score EVER.
It’s gonna go down in HISTORY.
We’re gonna be set for LIFE.
They’ll make a MOVIE about it.
(rubs his hands together)
Ommigod, when I’m brilliant,
I’m fucking BRILLIANT.
Whatta you wanna do, rob him?
No, no, no. Too dangerous.
The announcer said he used to be a cop.
Then what you wanna do, Darryl?
He said that he was married, right?
So we fucking KIDNAP his wife.
Is that fucking brilliant or WHAT?
Like taking candy from a retard.
And he FIRES UP another bong hit.