Let's Not Do Lunch

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of LEGS, Episode 3, the plot thickens when lottery winner Basil Keko meets with his son, homicide dick Bernie Keko for help with his wife's kidnapping, who enlists the help of his ex, private eye Carrie Love ... who gets the call while meeting with her brothers who are trying to screw her out of her inheritance ...


EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
A tiny park. Green grass.
Plants. Flowers. Bird chirping.

A HOMELESS MAN (50’s)
sleeps on the grass
in the distance.

Bernie and Basil sit on a park bench
facing the sidewalk.

BASIL
They said not to contact the police,
but you’re my son,
so that’s okay, right?

BERNIE
It’s okay, pop.
It’s okay.
(realizes)
Oh, shit.
Her medication.

BASIL
I know.
I’m worried sick.
If she doesn’t have her insulin --

BERNIE
(stands)
We’re not solving
anything sitting here.
You go back to the house
and wait for their call.

BASIL
(gets up)
What are you gonna do?

BERNIE
I’m gonna call Carrie.
She owes me one.

BASIL
Your ex?
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Why would she help?
She left you.

BERNIE
That hasn’t stopped her
from coming to me for help.
And besides, when she finds out
Kitty’s been kidnapped,
the assholes that got her
don’t have a chance.
She’s like Jerry Sandusky
at a NAMBLA meeting
when she’s riled up.

BASIL
No shit.
Remember that Thanksgiving
when she got it in her head
that SHE was gonna
carve the turkey?

BERNIE
How could I forget.
The arterial spray
ruined the stuffing.

INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone CHIRPS.
She looks at it. Alarmed.

CARRIE
Excuse me.
I gotta take this.
It’s urgent.
(gets up, walk away,
into the phone)
Bernie.
What’s up with
the nine-one-one?
Are you okay?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERNIE’S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Bernie sits behind the wheel
talking on his cell.

We see out the window
that he’s at the curb
near the park.

BERNIE
My mother’s been kidnapped.

CARRIE
WHAT? When? Where? WHY?
Your father doesn’t
have any money --

BERNIE
He does now.
He just won the lottery,
and now some scumbag
got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
We’ll get her back.
Was there a ransom note?

BERNIE
No.
They scrawled a message
on the fridge saying
they’d call later
with their demands.
And they also said ‘no cops,’
or they’d HURT her.

CARRIE
Kidnappers always say that,
you know.

BERNIE
I know, I know --
but this is my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Take a deep breath.
I’m with you.
Where are you?

BERNIE
Down the street
from his house.
I don’t wanna go in
in case they’re watching it.

CARRIE
Hey.
Meg lives right
around the corner.

BERNIE
You want to use HER
place as a base of operations?

CARRIE
Hey.
You know what they say.
When life gives you a lesbian,
make lesbianade.

BERNIE
What if she’s on duty?

CARRIE
I have a key.

BERNIE
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

CARRIE
Listen, if you want me to help you,
you gotta lay off that shit.
Meg’s very important to me,
and you’re just gonna have to
deal with it, okay?

BERNIE
Okay. I’m sorry.
I’m upset.
We can use all the help
we can get.

CARRIE
That’s right.
And don’t you forget it.
I’ll be right there.
(hangs up, to Nate and Todd)
Sorry, greedy younger siblings.
I gotta split.

TODD
What the hell?
You can’t just leave.

CARRIE
Oh, yes I can.
My ex-husband’s mother
was just kidnapped.
I think that’s a
lot more important
than picking over
dead father’s bones.
(to Bob)
You’ll reschedule?
Have your people
call their people?

BOB
Of course.
Go. Hurry.

CARRIE
Thanks.
(to Todd and Nate)
Love you.
Don’t mean it.
Let’s not do lunch.

She strides out the door.
SLAMS it behind her.