Friday, August 11, 2017

Cadillac Margarita


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love takes porn star Laura Lang to her favorite dive bar, where they have to deal with a leering dick who 'wants to join in' ...

EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - LATE AFTERNOON
Carrie’s vintage Porsche convertible
flies up the road along
the Santa Monica beach.
Passes a crusty DIVE BAR.

LAURA (O.S.)
Chez Jay, I love that place!
Stop the car -- stop the car!

INT. CHEZ JAY - LATE AFTERNOON
How can it be so dark
inside during the day?

And where on earth did they
find that jazz for the jukebox?

Our chicks sit on bar stools.
Grinning at the BARTENDER.

CARRIE
Can I get a Margarita, please?
Rocks, salt?

Laura slips her hand up Carrie’s skirt.

LAURA
(to the bartender)
Make it a Cadillac Margarita.
Two of them.

CARRIE
(getting hot)
What’s a Cadillac Margarita?

Laura’s hand shifts -- smile broadens.

LAURA
It’s got a shot of Gran Marnier in it.

CARRIE
You want me to -- get drunk?

A MALE VOICE interrupts.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Sounds like fun to me.

ON THE NEXT BAR STOOL
sits a puffed-up, leering SUIT
enjoying his liquid lunch.

He leans toward Laura,
insinuating himself.

DICK
Hi, I’m Dick.
You ladies together I take it?

CARRIE
Yes, we are.

LAURA
No boys allowed. Sorry.

CARRIE
(Ab Fab accent)
No sex, please -- we’re British.

This CRACKS the girls up.
The bon vivant tries again.

DICK
So, you ladies are, uh --

LAURA
Yes, love. This is my date.
(takes Carrie’s hand in hers)
Isn’t she gorgeous?

DICK
Yes she is. And so are you.

(beat)
Do you ever let anybody -- join in?

Laura sips her cocktail.
Eyes burning with mischief.

LAURA
Let me ask you something.
How would you feel if you were
on a date with your girlfriend --
and some gay guy came up to you
and asked if he could join in?
You wouldn’t like it, would you?
You’d think it was fucking rude,
wouldn’t you?

The poor guy’s wheels start spinning.
But he’s no match.

Carrie observes,
sips her drink. In awe.

DICK
Uh, yes -- of course, but --

LAURA
This is the same thing, darling.
We’re not into men.
(beat)
Just like you.

This sinks in.
He struggles for a response.

LAURA (CONT’D)
Now. I’d like you
to apologize to my date.
It’s her birthday,
and we’ve had to deal with t
his falderol, instead of --
(leans over, kisses Carrie)
Enjoying our evening together.

DICK
(turned on, embarrassed)
Hey, look -- I’m really sorry,
I didn’t mean to --

LAURA
Apology accepted.
We’re going to leave now.
My darling Carrie here
only lives a few blocks away.
So, I want you to imagine us
going back to her place --
and what I’m going to do to her.
(beat)
Silly me. You were going to
do that anyway, weren’t you?

EXT. CHEZ JAY - PARKING LOT - DUSK
Carrie and Laura walk
to the car holding hands.

CARRIE
That was awesome.
You fucking killed him.

Laura stops. GRABS her.

LAURA
I’d kill anyone that gets in our way.
(beat)
I hope you’re packing, officer --

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

The Last Girl On Earth


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty reveals a disturbing image of her dysfunctional family upbringing in the trailer park. Meanwhile, more than sparks fly when homicide detective Carrie Love has her first date with porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
Sparkle cruises down the nasty
boulevard, platforms clattering --
smiling beneath red heart shades.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I love cheeseburgers, pizza,
video games, movies, comic books --
and catching a buzz whenever I can.
I’m your typical American teen.
(beat)
Except for one thing.
I’m gonna be the biggest
serial killer there ever was.
(beat)
People are gonna remember me.
You betcha.

INT. PLENTY HOME - LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY
Dot shows her daughter a baton twirl.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
See, the thing was about my mom --
she like, didn’t want a daughter.
She wanted a star.
(beat)
And the money -- don’t forget the money.
She thought I was, like, her ticket
out the trailer ranch.
(beat)
How fucked up is that? 'Trailer Ranch.'
Like it’s a fucking ranch.
Raunch is more like it. In hell.
(beat)
What. Ever.

Dot hands it to Sparkle,
who gives it a whirl. She’s great.

CLOSE ON --
Sparkle’s face. Bright.
Eager. Scared shitless.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I mean, lookit me.
Is that pathetic or what?

INT. CARRIE LOVE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A Mr. Coffee DRIPS.
Carrie walks in, makes a cup.

She goes to the mini stereo,
searches through the CD’s.

Makes her choice.
Puts it on. Presses 'play.'

The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy,
Euro-croon THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH
fills the room.

Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her java.

INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie, hot in black,
checks out her reflection.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when I’d
been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.

She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Carrie changes CD’s --
ABC’S irresistible THE LOOK OF LOVE.

Big smile. She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.

Goes off somewhere to the
music, dancing, swirling --

The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.

Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --

A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight,
sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.

With five, maybe six buttoned.
And nothing else.

LAURA
(listens)
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song.

Their eyes lock.

CARRIE
(heart beating fast)
It’s -- my favorite song, too.

Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.

LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?

And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.

Laura on top, insinuating her
splendor into Carrie’s grass.

CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?

The phone BR-RINGS.

LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.

CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.

BR-RING. BR-RING.

LAURA
Godammit.

She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder. CRASH.

LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?

CARRIE
You were -- uh --

Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.

LAURA
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine --

Monday, August 7, 2017

The City Of Angels


Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, police chief Larry Lipshitz addresses the media in a press conference about the Hollywood movie copycat serial killer. Meanwhile, watching it on TV is porn director Klaus Speer and his date, adult film star Laura Lang ... who also happens to be homicide detective Carrie Love's new squeeze ...


A TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST
A stiff, HANDSOME ANCHOR and
a gorgeous LATINA ANCHORWOMAN,
shellacked hair, grim frozen smile,
lean into THE CAMERA --

HANDSOME ANCHOR
We take you now to a press conference
in front of police headquarters, where --

LATINA ANCHORWOMAN
Brock Bradley is on the scene --
(dramatic pause)
Brock -- we’ve been told Larry Lipshitz,
chief detective, LA homicide --
is going to make a statement.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT
A gaggle of PRESS, ONLOOKERS and COPS
surround a podium crammed with mikes.
Larry Lipshitz takes a swig of Maalox.

BROCK BRADLEY
a vacant John Tesh on steroids
grips his mike, cocks his head,
gazes into THE CAMERA.

BROCK
That’s right, Lina. They’re
about to start any minute now --

YELLING MAN (O.S.)
Fuck you, stop pushing!
Unfair to the Guild!
Writers have rights!

HANDSOME ANCHOR
Holy homicide, Brock -- what
the heck’s goin’ on down there?

BROCK
Well, there’s a couple of
protest groups out here, Biff --
one of them’s a group
from the Writer’s Guild --
they’re saying it’s unfair to blame them,
and refer to the killings as
'cinema copycat crimes' --

LINA
And what’s the other group, Brock?

BROCK
I’m glad you asked, Lina --
protesting against Hollywood
marketing violence to children --
the Christian Unified Nation of Teachers.

The beauty spells out the
letters to herself. Gasps.

BROCK (CONT'D)
There’s Lipshitz.

BIFF
And not a moment too soon.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - CONTINUOUS
Larry tugs at his tie, loosens it.
Looks at the crowd.

LIPSHITZ
Thank you all for coming.
I know these are scary times
we’re living in, dark days
in the city of angels.

He takes out a scrap of paper,
puts on his glasses.

SARCASTIC REPORTER
'City of angels?'
Who do you think you are,
Raymond Chandler?

LIPSHITZ
Nice to see you too, Mim.
What’s the matter,
didn’t get any last night?
(to the crowd)
I’m going to read a statement.
There’ll be no questions.

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S ESTATE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Klaus lies sprawled on his
king-sized canopied bed.

Swirls, sips cognac from an
oversized snifter. Watches the telly.

KLAUS
(to someone offscreen)
The fucking police have nothing.
Nothing. Just this, this -- statement.
It’s incredible, I tell you.
The killer’s some kind of twisted genius.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Takes one to know one.

KLAUS
Flattery’ll get you -- anything you want.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
(sexy)
You’ll come in and help me douche, then?

KLAUS
Come back to bed, my little vixen --
I like your natural, animal -- scent.

He chuckles, eyes light up with mischief.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
You Germans --

Laura walks in, naughty smile --
and naughtier lingerie.

LAURA
Are such kinky, naughty little devils.

Friday, August 4, 2017

The Other White Meat


Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 24 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine investigate the crime scene where porn director Bruce Ball was scalded to death in a sleazy motel shower ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
At the crime scene, BERNIE
inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is
Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger
stuffed into the
cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo.
Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about well done.

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick
of rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie,
uncomprehending.

KEKO (CONT’D)
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because
I’m a fucking Mexican
we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were
different, man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European
'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer did it
in the fucking shower --

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Bad Company


Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love takes a walk on the wild side at Club Fuck, where she searches for a certain porn star ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A smallish grey building deep
in the bowels of Hollywood.

A pulsing, industrial grind
bleeds outside from within.

INT. CLUB FUCK - CONTINUOUS
Carrie sits at the bar,
drowning everything. Sorrows.
Joy. Hopes. Dreams. Self-esteem.

She pours a tall shot
from a bottle of Jagermeister.
Toasts the throng. Downs it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Figures I’d get stood up.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Fucking porn star --
(pours another shot)
I once had a shrink who said
I lived in my own little world.
That I’ve lived most
of my life -- alone.
(downs it)
Well, maybe that’s because
everyone I’ve ever fucking known --
except my mom and my dog --
ended up letting me down.
Makes a girl a little finicky
about who she hangs out with.
And the way I look at it,
I’m pretty good fucking company.
(pours another)
But the thing is --
there’s just one problem.
It’s not working anymore.
(raises glass)
It seems that whenever
I try to do things my way --
it blows up in my fucking face.

And she slams it.
Grimaces. Closes her eyes.

EXT. CLUB FUCK - LATER
It’s over. Party kids
spill onto the sidewalk.

Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse,
pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
(teasing)
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Uh -- security?

LAURA
No. My date.
He finally found me.

CARRIE
(looks around)
Where’s he now?

LAURA
(evil)
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get --
your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
(squeezes)
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Long pause. There’s
no one else in the world.

LAURA
So -- aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
(melts)
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.

APPLAUSE.

They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
cheer.

Carrie looks down. Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, Miss Legs,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.

CARRIE
(whispers)
P-p-plans -- for me?