Sexist Pig Sold Separately

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In Chapter 10 of LEGS, Episode 3, the plot thickens when Carrie and Bernie discover that Basil's wife Kitty was kidnapped in her own car. Meanwhile, white trash trailer kidnapper Darryl Head makes his ransom demands ... after the diabetic Kitty goes into sugar shock ...


EXT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - FRONT YARD - DAY
Carrie and Bernie walk toward the garage.

CARRIE
C’mon, let’s check out the garage.

BERNIE
So -- don’t you miss it a little bit?

CARRIE
Miss what?

BERNIE
You know --

CARRIE
Cock?
Just bought a nifty ten-inch
rubber one last week.
Sexist pig sold separately.

BERNIE
Do you use, uh -- a strap-on?

CARRIE
I’m not going there, Bernie.
And I’m getting really sick of you
reducing everything to sex.
You wonder why I left you?
Just fucking listen to yourself.
You sound like Beavis and Butthead.
(imitates them)
Heh-heh-heh.
She said ‘cock.’

BERNIE
Ooh.
Looks like I touched a nerve.

CARRIE
In your dreams.

Carrie leans down,
pulls up the garage door,
to reveal -- it’s empty.

BERNIE
The car’s gone.

CARRIE
CSI’s got nothing on you.
(beat)
Wait a minute.
You realize what this means?

BERNIE
Duh.
They took her in her own car.
But why would they do that?
That’s fucking stupid.

CARRIE
Maybe they’re fucking stupid.
Kitty drives a sixty-five Caddy.
Sore-thumb city --
(thinks)
They’re local, live in the nabe.
Maybe kids. They saw your dad
win the lottery on TV
and impulsively just
fucking walked over here,
grabbed Kitty and drove the fuck away
in her car.

BERNIE
I’ll call the station
and report the vehicle stolen.
(smiles)
You’ve still got the goods, detective.

CARRIE
I’m still not gonna fuck you.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits on his throne, talks on his cell.
Wendy’s texting someone on hers.

Denny plays a hand-held video game
while shoving mini-candy bars
in his mouth.

DARRYL
This is your lucky day.
I’ve decided not to be so greedy.
I want ten million dollars
in unmarked bills in a briefcase.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Meg and Ilona sit
around the coffee table, listening.

BASIL
Couldn’t get a fucking truck, huh?
Do you even have driver’s license, sport?

Carrie and Bernie come in the front door.
Hear the phone call.
Quietly sit down and listen.

DARRYL
Fuck you.
Keep dicking around and
your wife’s a goner, capiche?

BASIL
I’ll give you the money tomorrow,
but first I need to talk to her
so I know she’s okay.

DARRYL
Hold on a sec.

Darryl leaves the room.

INT. DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Kitty lies on the bed, one wrist tied,
her other hand holding a giant
mostly-empty bag of mini-candy bars.

Passed out, dead to the world.
Darryl walks in. Sees her.

DARRYL
Oh, shit.

BASIL
What do you mean 'oh, shit?'
What’s WRONG?

DARRYL
She’s uh, passed out or something.

BASIL
What did you GIVE her?

DARRYL
You know, those little candy bars,
like for Halloween.

BASIL
How many did she have?

DARRYL
I dunno.
Looks like a lot.

BASIL
My god, man.
She’s a chocoholic.
Once she starts, she can’t stop.
Now she’s in sugar shock.
She needs insulin, NOW.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
I’m sorry.
We’ll get some.

BASIL
How the fuck are you gonna do THAT?
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
Let’s meet, just you and me,
and I’ll give you a check --

DARRYL
Yeah, right.
Then you’ll know my NAME --

BASIL
I’ll make it out to cash, stupid.
I’ll post-date it for tomorrow, a
nd you can go to your bank and cash it.

DARRYL
NO.
No CHECK.
I want CASH.

BASIL
Then why don’t we meet somewhere,
and I’ll give you some insulin.

DARRYL
Stop PRESSURING me.
I gotta think.
I’ll call you back.

He hangs up the phone with a BANG.