Never A Dull Moment

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash low life Darryl Head returns to his trailer from robbing a pharmacy to get insulin for his kidnapping victim. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love and her ex, detective Bernie Keko rue their failed marriage on their way to the trailer park to rescue his mother ... but the shit hits the fan when Carrie gets a 911 call from her porn star girlfriend Laura Lang ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Wendy and Denny sit on the couch watching TV.

DENNY
Judge Judy’s hot.

WENDY
(under her breath)
Retard.

DENNY
I HEARD that --

The door FLIES open.
Darryl comes into the room.

Out of breath.
Holding the bag.

DARRYL
I got it, I got it.

WENDY
Just in time.
Old lady was going into convulsions.

DARRYL
Shit. Really?

Wendy gets up.
Takes the bag from him.

WENDY
Yeah. She stopped,
but now she’s sweating like a pig.
She doesn’t look so good, Darryl.
(looks in the bag)
No syringes?

DARRYL
Syringes?

WENDY
You fucking dumb-ass.
You give insulin in a SHOT.
Didn’t you know that?

DARRYL
You shoulda told me.

DENNY
Jesus Christ, Darryl.
Even I know that.
Look who’s the retard NOW.

WENDY
So what are we gonna do?

DARRYL
Fuck the old bitch.
I’m gonna call Basil and
make arrangements for the drop.
We’ll just get our money
and get the fuck out of town.

WENDY
But he said he couldn’t
get the money until TOMORROW.

PUSH IN ON Darryl’s face.
Angry. Desperate.

DARRYL
Well, then he’s just gonna haveta
figure something out, isn’t he?

INT. BERNIE’S SEDAN - MOVING - DAY
Bernie speeds down the quiet,
suburban streets, lost in thought.

Carrie pulls out her flask.
Takes a hit.

They approach an intersection with
a LARGE BLACK FEMALE CROSSING GUARD
escorting a bunch of SCHOOL KIDS
across the street.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Despite the circumstances,
it felt good to be
riding with Bernie again.
It felt comfortable,
like an old, worn shoe.
Cozy. Familiar.
(beat)
Of course, we still
hated each other’s guts.
But I always have to nitpick.

Carrie sees something out the window.
Points.

CARRIE
Slow down, there’s a school crossing.
You’re gonna hit those kids.

Bernie sees them.
HITS the brakes.

BERNIE
I fucking hate kids.
(sees the flask)
Gimme a hit of that.

CARRIE
While you’re driving?

BERNIE
Never stopped you.

CARRIE
Are you on duty?

BERNIE
Gimme the FUCKING FLASK.

Carrie rolls her eyes.
Hands it to him.

He takes a long swallow.
Looks at Crossing Guard
through the windshield.

BERNIE
Why are all crossing guards
fat, black women?
Is that school policy?

CARRIE
(grabs the flask)
Bernie.
That’s terrible.
(takes a hit)
Concentrate on your driving.
We’ll get your mother back --
AND get those fuckers.

The kids finish crossing the street.
Bernie hits the gas.

BERNIE
Damn fucking straight we are.
(beat)
Pass it over.

Carrie hands it to him.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
I forgot there was a trailer park
in Santa Monica.

BERNIE
Been there since W-W-Two.
Cheap, affordable housing
for the troops coming home.
Can’t believe it’s still there.
Read in the paper some rat-bastard
wants to tear it down, put in condos.
Evict all the retirees. Asshole.
(takes another hit)
Remember that time we rented
that Air Stream trailer
and drove down to Mexico?

CARRIE
(takes the flask, toasts)
How could I forget?
Peyote under the stars.
Piranhas in the water.
Projectile diarrhea in the commode --

BERNIE
Misty water-colored memories.

Carrie’s cell phone RINGS.
She fishes it out, listens.

CARRIE
Laura?
Slow down, slow down --
what’s the matter?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - MAKEUP ROOM - DAY
Empty, except for Laura on the couch
wrapped in a blanket.

Eyes red from crying.
Cheeks tear-stained with mascara.

LAURA
He said I’d be in control,
but the fucking pervert LIED.
He zapped my fucking cooch
like the Fourth of July on steroids.
I’m still vibrating.
Can you come pick me up?

CARRIE
Goddamn fucking Nazi.
Can you wait just a little bit?
I’m in the middle of something right now --

LAURA
You want me to WAIT?
For WHAT?

CARRIE
Laura. I’ll be there, I promise.
But Bernie’s mother was kidnapped,
and he and I are on our way over
to where the bad guys have her.

LAURA
But he’s your EX.
I’m your NOW.

CARRIE
His mother’s a DIABETIC, Laura.
She could DIE.

LAURA
Oh. Wow. Really?

CARRIE
Really.
Just hold tight,
and I’ll be there
as soon as I can, okay?

LAURA
Okay. Just HURRY.

CARRIE
I will. Promise.
(clicks her phone shut)
Goddamn fucking Frankenstein.
(off Bernie’s look)
You don’t wanna know.

BERNIE
Never a dull moment
on the Isle of Lesbo -