Choosy Stoners Choose Jiff

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of LEGS, Episode 3, stoner trailer trash kids Darryl, Wendy and Denny discuss what they're gonna do with the ransom money ... while they try figure out where they're gonna put it. Meanwhile, over at kidnapping headquarters, private eye Carrie Love has to play referee between her ex-husband, his father, and her ex-girlfriend ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl looks at Wendy.
Royally pissed off.

DARRYL
They said we’re
gonna need a truck.

WENDY
What for?

DARRYL
To carry all the money.

WENDY
We could rent a U-Haul.

DARRYL
Yeah, but then
where do we PUT it?
I don’t have
a bank account.

WENDY
So we hide it
in the cupboards,
under the bed --

DARRYL
Don’t you understand?
He said that much money
was the size of
two and a half refrigerators.

WENDY
Oh.
(beat)
Wow.

Denny walks in the room,
high as Andy Dick’s kite,
eating peanut butter
out of the jar
with a spoon.

DENNY
Then don’t ask
for so much.
ou couldn’t spend it
all anyways.

DARRYL
You, my little brother,
are a retarded GENIUS.

DENNY
I told you not
to call me RETARDED.

DARRYL
Chill out.
I also called
you a genius.
(to Wendy)
We’ll ask for ten million.
That’ll fit in a briefcase.

WENDY
How do you know that?

DARRYL
I saw it on Burn Notice.
(smiles)
Denny and I watch
all those shows on USA.
'Characters welcome.'

DENNY
Burn Notice is my favorite.
(scoops some, offers it)
Want some?

DARRYL
(takes it, grins)
Choosy stoners choose Jiff.

And eats it.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Everybody sits around staring
at the phone drinking coffee.

Meg walks around with a coffee pot.
She comes up to Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Good ol’ Meg.
Remind me again
why I broke up with her?
(beat)
Oh, yeah.
That’s right.
My self-esteen wasn’t high enough
to allow someone to love me.

MEG
Can I top yours off?

CARRIE
I’m good.
Thanks.

BASIL
Don’t you mean ‘get yours off?’

BERNIE
Dad.

Carrie puts her cup down.
Stands.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
I’m gonna go over
to Basil’s house
and look for clues.

BERNIE
(gets up)
I’ll come with you.

MEG
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Didn’t you say
they might be
watching the place?

CARRIE
I think enough
time’s gone by.
I’m sure they called
from where they’ve got --
where they’re hiding out.
(to Bernie)
C’mon.
(to Meg)
Call me on my cell
if anything happens.

They leave.
Basil and Meg exchange glances.
Meg starts toward the kitchen.

MEG
I’m gonna put the coffee on --
the thing.

She leaves.
Ilona smiles at Basil.

ILONA
I can’t believe I’m in the same room
with the man that caught
Brian Houston Ames.

BASIL
How do you know about that?
That was a long time ago.

ILONA
I remember seeing it on the news
when I was a little kid.
I’ve always had a thing
for true crime stories.
Wanted to be a cop my whole life.
(sits hear him)
Was it really true that
he kept their heads
in saran wrap in his freezer?

BASIL
Well, actually he
preferred aluminum foil.
Said they were 'more fresh'
that way.

ILONA
You mean -- he ATE them?

BASIL
Wasn’t released to the press.
You think Jeffrey Dahmer
was a sick fuck?
Bastard was writing a cook book.
(beat)
'To Serve Man.'