The Jig's Up

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of LEGS, Episode 3, it's a clusterfuck of epic proportions when private eye Carrie Love and her ex-husband, homicide dick Bernie Keko storm white trash kidnapper Darryl Head's trailer and rescue Bernie's mother ...


EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
Carrie and Bernie stand
on the other side of the street
looking at Darryl’s trailer.

CARRIE
All the blinds are drawn.

BERNIE
Big surprise.

A HOMELESS WOMAN pushing
a shopping cart
walks by them.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Good afternoon, officers.

BERNIE
Afternoon, Ma’am.

HOMELESS WOMAN
You here about
the meth lab?

CARRIE
Meth lab?

HOMELESS WOMAN
Oh, yes.
Trailer number sixteen.
They’ve been Breaking Bad
for years now.
Guess the jig’s up, huh?
Not a bad run, yo.
(big smile)
Gotta boogie.
Don’t wanna be late
for my two-o’clock.

And she wheels
the cart away.

BERNIE
We’ll call it in after
we get Kitty and take care of
these white trash motherfuckers.

CARRIE
(nods, points)
Let’s go around the back
and come through that alley.

BERNIE
Let’s do it.

EXT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - DAY
Bernie and Carrie
come around the side.

Carefully walk up
to the front door.

Look at each other.
Pull out their guns. Nod.

BERNIE
(softly)
On the count of three --
(beat)
One, two -- THREE.

He KICKS the door in.
They RACE INSIDE.

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl leans against the kitchenette
counter holding his cell,
gun tucked in the waistband
of his jeans.

Looks at Bernie and Carrie.
Guns aimed at him.

Wendy and Denny
sit on the couch.
Terrified.

BERNIE
I’m here to get my MOTHER,
motherfucker.

CARRIE
(to Wendy and Denny)
Nobody fucking MOVE.

DARRYL
(reaches for his gun)
Fuck you.

Bernie SHOOTS him.
BANG.

His head EXPLODES
in a red mist.

He HITS the floor, THWUMP.
Wendy SCREAMS.

DENNY
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO --

He RACES over
to Darryl’s body.
Reaches for the gun.

Carrie SHOOTS him in the leg.
BANG.

Denny HOWLS.
Wendy SCREAMS.

CARRIE
I said DON’T MOVE.

Bernie RUNS toward the bedroom.
Carrie looks at Wendy.
Points her gun at her.

CARRIE
(nods at Darryl)
Boyfriend or brother?

WENDY
(softly)
Boyfriend.

Denny GRABS Darryl’s gun.
Points it at Carrie.

DENNY
He shot my BROTHER.

Carrie SHOOTS him in the arm.
Denny HOWLS again.

The gun CLUNKS to the floor.
Carrie steps over.
KICKS it away.

CARRIE
Are you fucking RETARDED?
I said DON’T MOVE.

Bernie comes RACING in the room
holding Kitty in his arms.

BERNIE
She’s not responding.
Call nine-one-one.

Carrie whips out her cell.
PUNCHES the number.

BERNIE
(looks at Wendy)
You better fucking hope
she lives --

In The Bowel Of The Beast

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In Chapter 16 of LEGS, Episode 3, retired cop Basil Keko's irritable bowel syndrome gets the best of him when he races to the bathroom, only to find officers Megan Paul and Ilona Ramirez making out, but when the kidnappers finally call, the shit literally hits the fan ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil sits on the couch,
staring at the phone.

Then looks at the entrance
to the kitchen.

BASIL
Wonder what they’re doing?

His eyes screw up, in pain.
Holds his stomach. Winces.

BASIL
Oh, shit.
Not again.

He JUMPS up,
RACES out of the room.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Basil RUNS to the bathroom door.
YANKS it open, RACES in --

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
Sees the girls making out,
Meg’s ass on the sink,
Ilona’s hands all over her.

A rod POPS in his crotch.
He CRIES OUT.

A wet stain starts forming.
He SHITS his pants.

The girls hear it.
Turn. Stare.

Then smell it.
Ilona makes a face.

ILONA
Jesus fucking CHRIST.

MEG
Mr. Keko?
Are you okay?

Basil’s jaw drops.
He PLOPS down on the closed toilet.

Puts his head in his hands.
Unbelievably embarrassed.

BASIL
(quietly)
Could you please leave me alone?

MEG
Yeah, sure.
Of course.
Do you wanna take a shower?

BASIL
Yeah.
Thanks.

MEG
If you want,
I could wash your pants,
give you a robe to wear.

BASIL
That would be -- very nice.

The phone RINGS in the other room.
They all JERK their heads
in that direction.

MEG
It’s HIM.

BASIL
Go ANSWER it --

INT. MEG’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Meg sits on the couch,
holding the receiver.
Ilona watches.

MEG
I’m sorry, but Mr. Keko is --
in the bathroom right now.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl paces back and forth,
on the phone.

Wendy and Denny watch him
from the couch worriedly.

DARRYL
Who the fuck are YOU?

MEG
Cleaning lady.

She looks at Ilona,
makes a ‘what should I do’ face?
Ilona pantomimes taking a message.

DARRYL
Oh.

MEG
Can I take a message?

DARRYL
No. I’ll call back.
(under his breath)
Fuck.

MEG
Can I tell him who called?

He hangs up.
Looks at Wendy and Denny.

WENDY
What happened?

DARRYL
His cleaning lady.
Said he was in the bathroom.

DENNY
Maybe he’s taking a SHIT.

Never A Dull Moment

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In Chapter 15 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash low life Darryl Head returns to his trailer from robbing a pharmacy to get insulin for his kidnapping victim. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love and her ex, detective Bernie Keko rue their failed marriage on their way to the trailer park to rescue his mother ... but the shit hits the fan when Carrie gets a 911 call from her porn star girlfriend Laura Lang ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Wendy and Denny sit on the couch watching TV.

DENNY
Judge Judy’s hot.

WENDY
(under her breath)
Retard.

DENNY
I HEARD that --

The door FLIES open.
Darryl comes into the room.

Out of breath.
Holding the bag.

DARRYL
I got it, I got it.

WENDY
Just in time.
Old lady was going into convulsions.

DARRYL
Shit. Really?

Wendy gets up.
Takes the bag from him.

WENDY
Yeah. She stopped,
but now she’s sweating like a pig.
She doesn’t look so good, Darryl.
(looks in the bag)
No syringes?

DARRYL
Syringes?

WENDY
You fucking dumb-ass.
You give insulin in a SHOT.
Didn’t you know that?

DARRYL
You shoulda told me.

DENNY
Jesus Christ, Darryl.
Even I know that.
Look who’s the retard NOW.

WENDY
So what are we gonna do?

DARRYL
Fuck the old bitch.
I’m gonna call Basil and
make arrangements for the drop.
We’ll just get our money
and get the fuck out of town.

WENDY
But he said he couldn’t
get the money until TOMORROW.

PUSH IN ON Darryl’s face.
Angry. Desperate.

DARRYL
Well, then he’s just gonna haveta
figure something out, isn’t he?

INT. BERNIE’S SEDAN - MOVING - DAY
Bernie speeds down the quiet,
suburban streets, lost in thought.

Carrie pulls out her flask.
Takes a hit.

They approach an intersection with
a LARGE BLACK FEMALE CROSSING GUARD
escorting a bunch of SCHOOL KIDS
across the street.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Despite the circumstances,
it felt good to be
riding with Bernie again.
It felt comfortable,
like an old, worn shoe.
Cozy. Familiar.
(beat)
Of course, we still
hated each other’s guts.
But I always have to nitpick.

Carrie sees something out the window.
Points.

CARRIE
Slow down, there’s a school crossing.
You’re gonna hit those kids.

Bernie sees them.
HITS the brakes.

BERNIE
I fucking hate kids.
(sees the flask)
Gimme a hit of that.

CARRIE
While you’re driving?

BERNIE
Never stopped you.

CARRIE
Are you on duty?

BERNIE
Gimme the FUCKING FLASK.

Carrie rolls her eyes.
Hands it to him.

He takes a long swallow.
Looks at Crossing Guard
through the windshield.

BERNIE
Why are all crossing guards
fat, black women?
Is that school policy?

CARRIE
(grabs the flask)
Bernie.
That’s terrible.
(takes a hit)
Concentrate on your driving.
We’ll get your mother back --
AND get those fuckers.

The kids finish crossing the street.
Bernie hits the gas.

BERNIE
Damn fucking straight we are.
(beat)
Pass it over.

Carrie hands it to him.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
I forgot there was a trailer park
in Santa Monica.

BERNIE
Been there since W-W-Two.
Cheap, affordable housing
for the troops coming home.
Can’t believe it’s still there.
Read in the paper some rat-bastard
wants to tear it down, put in condos.
Evict all the retirees. Asshole.
(takes another hit)
Remember that time we rented
that Air Stream trailer
and drove down to Mexico?

CARRIE
(takes the flask, toasts)
How could I forget?
Peyote under the stars.
Piranhas in the water.
Projectile diarrhea in the commode --

BERNIE
Misty water-colored memories.

Carrie’s cell phone RINGS.
She fishes it out, listens.

CARRIE
Laura?
Slow down, slow down --
what’s the matter?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - MAKEUP ROOM - DAY
Empty, except for Laura on the couch
wrapped in a blanket.

Eyes red from crying.
Cheeks tear-stained with mascara.

LAURA
He said I’d be in control,
but the fucking pervert LIED.
He zapped my fucking cooch
like the Fourth of July on steroids.
I’m still vibrating.
Can you come pick me up?

CARRIE
Goddamn fucking Nazi.
Can you wait just a little bit?
I’m in the middle of something right now --

LAURA
You want me to WAIT?
For WHAT?

CARRIE
Laura. I’ll be there, I promise.
But Bernie’s mother was kidnapped,
and he and I are on our way over
to where the bad guys have her.

LAURA
But he’s your EX.
I’m your NOW.

CARRIE
His mother’s a DIABETIC, Laura.
She could DIE.

LAURA
Oh. Wow. Really?

CARRIE
Really.
Just hold tight,
and I’ll be there
as soon as I can, okay?

LAURA
Okay. Just HURRY.

CARRIE
I will. Promise.
(clicks her phone shut)
Goddamn fucking Frankenstein.
(off Bernie’s look)
You don’t wanna know.

BERNIE
Never a dull moment
on the Isle of Lesbo -

Cooch-Free Zone

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love uses her 'basic instincts' when she and her ex-husband/ex-partner, homicide dick Bernie Keko interrogate the guy who stole Bernie's father's wife's car after she was kidnapped ...


INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
A plain cinder block room with a
small table, two chairs and the
obligatory two-way mirror on the wall.

Seedy-Looking Car Thief
sits in one of the chairs
smoking a cigarette.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz,
I wanted to click my heels
three times and chant
'there’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home -- '
(beat)
Except after getting shit-canned
from the department for boffing
the chief’s underaged daughter,
I felt more like the Cowardly Lion
at a leather bar in West Hollywood
on ‘Fist night.’

IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE
Bernie and Carrie talk with
LARRY LIPSHITZ, (50’s),
chief of detectives, small and round,
and right now, very angry.

LARRY
(to Bernie)
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
There’s no way in hell I’m gonna
let you bring her in on an interrogation.

BERNIE
Listen to me, Larry.
These dumb-shits kidnapped my MOTHER,
and this fucker stole her CAR,
which was probably parked
where they’ve got her.
They said ‘no cops,’
so Carrie’s helping me
with the case. I NEED her.
You gotta make an exception.
Just this once, please.
They’ve got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
I’ll be good.
Promise.

LARRY
When have I heard THAT before?

BERNIE
It’s just an interrogation, Larry.
And I’ll be there. C’mon.
We don’t have much time.
My mom’s a diabetic --

LARRY
Oh, shit.
That’s right, I forgot.
Okay, okay, okay --
(to Carrie)
But none of that Basic Instinct shit, okay?
You flash your cooch like you did
last time, and your OUTTA here.

CARRIE
Cooch-free zone.
Promise.

Pause.

LARRY
You wearing panties?

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Carrie sits across from Seedy-Looking.
Bernie leans against the wall
glaring at him,
arms folded across his chest.

CARRIE
You were picked up
driving a stolen car, Leon.
We need to know where it was parked.

LEON
I’m not saying a word
until I speak to my lawyer.

CARRIE
We haven’t charged you yet, Leon.
If cooperate with us,
we can cut you a deal.

LEON
What part of
‘I want to talk to my lawyer’
didn’t you get?

Larry RUSHES OVER.
GRABS him by the shirt collar.
YANKS him up out of his chair.
Gets in his face.

BERNIE
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
(low, scary)
Listen to me, you little piece of shit.
That was my MOTHER’S car,
and she was fucking KIDNAPPED in it.
If you tell us where
you fucking stole it from,
maybe we can RESCUE her, GOT it?

LEON
Let go of my fucking shirt, you freak.
What do you think this is, Rampart?
I can file CHARGES against you
for this shit.

CARRIE
Bernie.
Let go of him.
Let me handle this.
Go get a cup of coffee and chill out.

Bernie lets go of Leon.
Stares at Carrie.

BERNIE
Back in five.
(to Leon)
Next time I won’t be so NICE.

He storms out.
SLAMS the door.

BEHIND THE TWO-WAY MIRROR
Stands Larry and a couple of DETECTIVES.

LARRY
They were such a great team.
He takes it right up to the edge,
and she makes him back off.
Now that’s what I call 'an interrogation.'

IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM
Carrie pulls out a cigarette from the pack.
Lights one up.

Exhales a taunting French curl.
Crosses her legs.

CARRIE
Sorry about my partner.
He’s out of his mind
worrying about his mother.
I’m sure you’d be upset
if someone grabbed your mother.

LEON
My mother’s dead.
And she was cunt.

Carrie takes another hit.
Looks him right in the eye.

Uncrosses her legs.
Opens them wide.
Leon’s eyes bulge.

CARRIE
Tell me where you jacked the wheels
and we’ll drop all the charges.
You walk outta here right now a free man.

Leon stares, in a trance.

LEON
Behind a Gulf Stream double-wide
in that trailer park on Stewart
near the freeway overpass.
Lot twelve.

She slowly crosses her legs
in the other direction.

CARRIE
See?
That wasn’t so hard, was it?

BEHIND THE TWO-WAY MIRROR
Larry does a slow burn.

TALL OFFICER
(grins, to Asian Officer)
Sure wish I could freeze-frame THAT
in high-def.

ASIAN OFFICER
Oh, man.
I'd slow-mo the SHIT outta that.

LARRY
(low, to himself)
The fucking bitch.
She did it again --

Drugstore Cowboy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash kidnapper Darryl Head robs his local pharmacy to get insulin for his diabetic hostage Kitty Keko. Meanwhile, back at his trailer, Kitty goes into insulin shock and starts having convulsions, which freaks out his slutty girlfriend Wendy and his retarded little brother Denny ...


INT. RITE AID DRUG STORE - DAY
Giant, with aisle after aisle of goods.
Not very crowded mid-day during the week.

Darryl walks in,
trying to look casual.

AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER
Darryl LEAPS out from behind an aisle,
now wearing a stocking mask.

He YANKS out his gun.
Points it at the PHARMACIST.

DARRYL
Don’t MOVE.
This is a ROBBERY.

The pharmacist (30’s)
a tiny Hispanic woman
with a sourpuss expression
on her face stares at him.
Shakes her head.

TINY FEMALE HISPANIC PHARMACIST
(over her shoulder)
We got another drugstore cowboy, Morrie.

MORRIE (60’s), tall, skeletal-thin
with a white mustache and
flakes of decaying hair
on his scalp appears.

MORRIE
What the fuck?
Put the fucking gun away.
I’ll give you what you want,
just don’t fucking shoot up
the place, goddammit.

DARRYL
Insulin, as much as you got,
and HURRY.

MORRIE
What?
Are you fucking stupid?
Insulin doesn’t get you high --

BEHIND THE COUNTER
On the floor, Morrie
presses a button with his foot.

IN THE STORE OFFICE
A SECURITY GUARD (20’s)
a scary-looking piece of white trash
looks at bank of monitors.

A red light starts FLASHING above one.
White Trash looks at it.

WHITE TRASH SECURITY GUARD
Hot damn.
Someone’s robbing the pharmacy AGAIN.

He grabs the phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

WHITE TRASH SECURITY GUARD
Yeah, hey.
This is security at the
Rite Aid on Wilshire near Centinella.
We’ve gotta ten-sixty-four in progress.
(listens)
Copy that.
Over.

He JUMPS out of his seat.
RACES out the door.

AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER
Darryl waves the gun around,
getting impatient.

DARRYL
I fucking KNOW
it doesn’t make you high.
I got someone who’s SICK, goddammit.
Now stop fucking around
and GIVE it to me,
or I’ll start SHOOTING.

WHITE TRASH SECURITY GUARD (O.C.)
Hey, YOU.
SECURITY.
Put the gun down.
The cops are on their way.

Darryl SPINS AROUND,
sees White Trash and
SHOOTS him in the belly, BANG.
He goes down.

Darryl JUMPS up on the counter
and SHOOTS at the ceiling,
BANG, BANG, BANG.

Looks down at the pharmacists,
now shaking in their boots.

We see a dark wet stain
on Morrie’s crotch.

DARRYL
Hey, look.
Old dude’s pissed his pants.
(CLICKS the safety)
Give me the fucking insulin NOW,
or that’s the last pair of
Depends you’ll EVER wear.

EXT. RITE AID PHARMACY - BACK ENTRANCE - DAY
Darryl BANGS out the back door
holding a white paper bag.

We hear SIRENS in the distance.

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Kitty lies motionless on the bed.
Denny and Wendy stand next to the bed
looking at her.

DENNY
Is she dead?

WENDY
She better not be.
Then we’re fucked.
(reaches into her handbag, pulls out a compact)
Hold on a sec.

She leans down.
Opens the compact.

Holds the mirror
in front of her nose.
Looks at it.

WENDY
She’s breathing --

Kitty starts going CONVULSIONS.
THRASHING on the bed.

DENNY
Holy SHIT, holy SHIT, holy SHIT.

WENDY
We gotta DO something.
Where the fuck is DARRYL?

A Bird In The Bush

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of LEGS, Episode 3, Basil, Bernie and Carrie hear that the cops have found Basil's kidnapped wife Kitty's stolen car. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, officer Megan Paul gets 'up close and personal' with her new partner, Ilona Rameriz.


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Basil talks on the phone.
Everyone watches him. Hopeful.

BASIL
Hello? Hello?
(looks at Bernie)
I only get voice mail,
and when I try to get the main desk,
I get another recording.

CARRIE
I hate that shit.
You can’t get a fucking person
on the line anymore.

BERNIE
There goes that great idea of yours.

BASIL
Shut up.
It was a great idea.
Just my bad luck he’s not in the office.

CARRIE
So leave him a voice mail.
Don’t spill the beans,
just tell him that it’s urgent.
Maybe he’ll call back.

BASIL
Good idea.
(to Bernie)
Some help you are.

He starts dialing again.
Meg gets up.

Heads toward the kitchen
with her coffee cup.
Ilona follows with hers.

INT. MEG’S KITCHEN - DAY
Meg goes to the Mr. Coffee.
Pours another cup.

Tops off Ilona’s.
They both take a sip.
Study each other.

ILONA
I always thought Carrie
was a hot tamale.
Smart, too.
Bet she was great in the sackarooni.

MEG
(blushes)
'Sackarooni?'

ILONA
Bet you are, too.

They lock eyes.

MEG
There’s -- people in the next room.

ILONA
(shrugs)
Buncha cops.

MEG
But you’re my -- partner.

ILONA
Well, you know what they say --

She leans in.
Softly kisses Meg.
Lingers a moment.

Then pulls back.
Wicked gleam in her eye.
Meg blushes a deep red.

ILONA
That’ll work.

MEG
(a whisper)
What do they say?

ILONA
(gently places her hands on Meg’s breasts)
A bird in the bush
is worth two in the hands.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie drink coffee.
Stare at the phone.

CARRIE (V.O.)
We were trapped in some kind of
Waiting For Godot from hell.
Time seemed to move in slow-motion,
like it was stuck in molassis.
(beat)
Or up a Kardashian’s big, fat ass.

Bernie’s cell phone RINGS.
He pulls it out of his pocket.

Looks at it.
Smiles. Answers it.

BERNIE
What’s up?
You got good news?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SANTA MONICA POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT DESK - DAY
A GRIZZLED VET COP (50’s) sits behind the front desk,
talks to Bernie on his phone.

GRIZZLED VET COP
We got the fucker
that stole your mother’s car.

BERNIE
Nice.
(cups the phone, to the others)
They got the CAR.
(into the phone)
How’d you get the asshole so fast?

GRIZZLED VET COP
Hey, we protect and serve our own.
Dispatcher sent a chopper to look for it,
and we got lucky.
Greaseball was parked in front of
The Ninety-Nine Cent Store on Pico.

BERNIE
Lo-ser.
(cups phone, to Carrie)
He was at The Ninety-Nine Cent Store.

CARRIE
Hey.
I love the Ninety-Nine Cent Store.
I shop there all the time.

GRIZZLED VET COP
We have him in a
holding cell awaiting processing.
We thought you might want to
interrogate him yourself.

BERNIE
I’m on my way.
Thanks, Jimmy.
(hangs up, to the group)
They’ve got the little shit
in a holding cell.
(to Carrie)
C’mon, let’s go interrogate him.
Find out where the FUCK he got it.

BASIL
Holy shit.
This is GREAT.

CARRIE
They’re not gonna let me do that.
I’m not a cop anymore, remember?

BERNIE
Don’t worry about it.
I’ll make it happen.
I need you to do the
‘good cop, bad cop’ thing with me.

CARRIE
Deja vu all over again.
And I’m not talking
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
(smiles)
Can I be the bad cop?
You never let me be the bad cop.

BERNIE
Are you kidding?
With that rack?

All In A Day's Skirt

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of LEGS, Episode 3, Carrie suggests that Basil contact the lottery office to get some of his winnings early so he can pay the ransom to get Kitty back safely. Meanwhile, Darryl leaves to go the drug store to get steal some insulin for Kitty, but discovers her car's been stolen ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil SLAMS down the phone.

BASIL
God-DAMMIT.

BERNIE
Shit.
What do we do now?

Carrie gets up.
Lights a smoke.
Starts pacing the room.

CARRIE
Guy’s got serious issues.
Obviously a borderline personality.
(thinks)
Bernie and I found out
they took Kitty in HER car,
which means they
don’t have their own --

BERNIE
(to Basil)
I put out an APB.
A sixty-five Cadillac
should be pretty easy to spot.

CARRIE
Wait a minute.
(to Basil)
Do you have a contact
at the lottery office?

BASIL
Sure.
The guy you saw on TV
who gave me the
giant fake check.
Nice guy, but his
breath smelled like shit.

CARRIE
Call him and tell him
Kitty’s been kidnapped
and you need at least
part of the money today.
(looks at her watch)
They might be able to wire it
to your bank right now.
It would take a couple of hours,
we’ve got time.

BERNIE
Why the fuck
would they do THAT?

CARRIE
Can you imagine the publicity?
Lottery saves kidnap victim.
The press’ll jump on it
faster than you can say
‘Kim Kardashian bleaches her sphincter.’

BASIL
That’s fucking BRILLIANT.
(looks at Bernie)
And you let this get one away.
Shame on you.
(to Carrie)
You really are something,
you know that?

CARRIE
All in a day’s skirt.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
Behind Darryl’s double-wide
we see Kitty’s red vintage Caddy,
parked so it’s not seen from the road.

A SEEDY-LOOKING GUY (40s),
with a belly, going bald,
with long dark hair around the sides
like a heavy metal Friar Tuck
walks up to the car.

Looks around to make sure
the coast is clear.

Pulls a metal strip
from his pocket.

Slips it through the
top of the window.

Pops the lock.
Gets in.

Fiddles with the steering column,
and TAKES OFF.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sticks a cheap-looking gun
in the waistband of his jeans.
Adjusts his shirt to hide the bulge.

WENDY
You’re gonna rob the drugstore?

DARRYL
We gotta give the old bag
some insulin, stupid.

WENDY
Fuck you.
I’m not stupid.

DARRYL
I’m sorry, June bug.
I’m all on edge.
This isn’t going
like I planned.

DENNY
Maybe that’s because
you didn’t have a PLAN.

DARRYL
Shut up, you fucking retard.

DENNY
Stop saying I’m RETARDED.
I’m SLOW.

DARRYL
It’s the same thing, Denny.
It's just a word.
Like how they changed
fag to gay and
negro to black.
It’s not meant as an insult.
You’re my little brother.
You know I love you.

DENNY
(big smile)
And I love YOU.

DARRYL
(goes to the door, opens it)
You got it, retard.
See ya.

He leaves.
The door BANGS shut.

DENNY
Hey, WAIT a minute.

EXT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - FRONT YARD - DAY
Darryl comes outside,
walks around to the
back of the trailer.
Discovers the car’s gone.

DARRYL
Who stole the fucking CAR?

He KICKS a rock
on the gravel driveway.

Walks over to his bike,
pissed off.

Unlocks it.
Pedals away.

Sexist Pig Sold Separately

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of LEGS, Episode 3, the plot thickens when Carrie and Bernie discover that Basil's wife Kitty was kidnapped in her own car. Meanwhile, white trash trailer kidnapper Darryl Head makes his ransom demands ... after the diabetic Kitty goes into sugar shock ...


EXT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - FRONT YARD - DAY
Carrie and Bernie walk toward the garage.

CARRIE
C’mon, let’s check out the garage.

BERNIE
So -- don’t you miss it a little bit?

CARRIE
Miss what?

BERNIE
You know --

CARRIE
Cock?
Just bought a nifty ten-inch
rubber one last week.
Sexist pig sold separately.

BERNIE
Do you use, uh -- a strap-on?

CARRIE
I’m not going there, Bernie.
And I’m getting really sick of you
reducing everything to sex.
You wonder why I left you?
Just fucking listen to yourself.
You sound like Beavis and Butthead.
(imitates them)
Heh-heh-heh.
She said ‘cock.’

BERNIE
Ooh.
Looks like I touched a nerve.

CARRIE
In your dreams.

Carrie leans down,
pulls up the garage door,
to reveal -- it’s empty.

BERNIE
The car’s gone.

CARRIE
CSI’s got nothing on you.
(beat)
Wait a minute.
You realize what this means?

BERNIE
Duh.
They took her in her own car.
But why would they do that?
That’s fucking stupid.

CARRIE
Maybe they’re fucking stupid.
Kitty drives a sixty-five Caddy.
Sore-thumb city --
(thinks)
They’re local, live in the nabe.
Maybe kids. They saw your dad
win the lottery on TV
and impulsively just
fucking walked over here,
grabbed Kitty and drove the fuck away
in her car.

BERNIE
I’ll call the station
and report the vehicle stolen.
(smiles)
You’ve still got the goods, detective.

CARRIE
I’m still not gonna fuck you.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits on his throne, talks on his cell.
Wendy’s texting someone on hers.

Denny plays a hand-held video game
while shoving mini-candy bars
in his mouth.

DARRYL
This is your lucky day.
I’ve decided not to be so greedy.
I want ten million dollars
in unmarked bills in a briefcase.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Meg and Ilona sit
around the coffee table, listening.

BASIL
Couldn’t get a fucking truck, huh?
Do you even have driver’s license, sport?

Carrie and Bernie come in the front door.
Hear the phone call.
Quietly sit down and listen.

DARRYL
Fuck you.
Keep dicking around and
your wife’s a goner, capiche?

BASIL
I’ll give you the money tomorrow,
but first I need to talk to her
so I know she’s okay.

DARRYL
Hold on a sec.

Darryl leaves the room.

INT. DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Kitty lies on the bed, one wrist tied,
her other hand holding a giant
mostly-empty bag of mini-candy bars.

Passed out, dead to the world.
Darryl walks in. Sees her.

DARRYL
Oh, shit.

BASIL
What do you mean 'oh, shit?'
What’s WRONG?

DARRYL
She’s uh, passed out or something.

BASIL
What did you GIVE her?

DARRYL
You know, those little candy bars,
like for Halloween.

BASIL
How many did she have?

DARRYL
I dunno.
Looks like a lot.

BASIL
My god, man.
She’s a chocoholic.
Once she starts, she can’t stop.
Now she’s in sugar shock.
She needs insulin, NOW.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
I’m sorry.
We’ll get some.

BASIL
How the fuck are you gonna do THAT?
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
Let’s meet, just you and me,
and I’ll give you a check --

DARRYL
Yeah, right.
Then you’ll know my NAME --

BASIL
I’ll make it out to cash, stupid.
I’ll post-date it for tomorrow, a
nd you can go to your bank and cash it.

DARRYL
NO.
No CHECK.
I want CASH.

BASIL
Then why don’t we meet somewhere,
and I’ll give you some insulin.

DARRYL
Stop PRESSURING me.
I gotta think.
I’ll call you back.

He hangs up the phone with a BANG.

Choosy Stoners Choose Jiff

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of LEGS, Episode 3, stoner trailer trash kids Darryl, Wendy and Denny discuss what they're gonna do with the ransom money ... while they try figure out where they're gonna put it. Meanwhile, over at kidnapping headquarters, private eye Carrie Love has to play referee between her ex-husband, his father, and her ex-girlfriend ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl looks at Wendy.
Royally pissed off.

DARRYL
They said we’re
gonna need a truck.

WENDY
What for?

DARRYL
To carry all the money.

WENDY
We could rent a U-Haul.

DARRYL
Yeah, but then
where do we PUT it?
I don’t have
a bank account.

WENDY
So we hide it
in the cupboards,
under the bed --

DARRYL
Don’t you understand?
He said that much money
was the size of
two and a half refrigerators.

WENDY
Oh.
(beat)
Wow.

Denny walks in the room,
high as Andy Dick’s kite,
eating peanut butter
out of the jar
with a spoon.

DENNY
Then don’t ask
for so much.
ou couldn’t spend it
all anyways.

DARRYL
You, my little brother,
are a retarded GENIUS.

DENNY
I told you not
to call me RETARDED.

DARRYL
Chill out.
I also called
you a genius.
(to Wendy)
We’ll ask for ten million.
That’ll fit in a briefcase.

WENDY
How do you know that?

DARRYL
I saw it on Burn Notice.
(smiles)
Denny and I watch
all those shows on USA.
'Characters welcome.'

DENNY
Burn Notice is my favorite.
(scoops some, offers it)
Want some?

DARRYL
(takes it, grins)
Choosy stoners choose Jiff.

And eats it.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Everybody sits around staring
at the phone drinking coffee.

Meg walks around with a coffee pot.
She comes up to Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Good ol’ Meg.
Remind me again
why I broke up with her?
(beat)
Oh, yeah.
That’s right.
My self-esteen wasn’t high enough
to allow someone to love me.

MEG
Can I top yours off?

CARRIE
I’m good.
Thanks.

BASIL
Don’t you mean ‘get yours off?’

BERNIE
Dad.

Carrie puts her cup down.
Stands.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
I’m gonna go over
to Basil’s house
and look for clues.

BERNIE
(gets up)
I’ll come with you.

MEG
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Didn’t you say
they might be
watching the place?

CARRIE
I think enough
time’s gone by.
I’m sure they called
from where they’ve got --
where they’re hiding out.
(to Bernie)
C’mon.
(to Meg)
Call me on my cell
if anything happens.

They leave.
Basil and Meg exchange glances.
Meg starts toward the kitchen.

MEG
I’m gonna put the coffee on --
the thing.

She leaves.
Ilona smiles at Basil.

ILONA
I can’t believe I’m in the same room
with the man that caught
Brian Houston Ames.

BASIL
How do you know about that?
That was a long time ago.

ILONA
I remember seeing it on the news
when I was a little kid.
I’ve always had a thing
for true crime stories.
Wanted to be a cop my whole life.
(sits hear him)
Was it really true that
he kept their heads
in saran wrap in his freezer?

BASIL
Well, actually he
preferred aluminum foil.
Said they were 'more fresh'
that way.

ILONA
You mean -- he ATE them?

BASIL
Wasn’t released to the press.
You think Jeffrey Dahmer
was a sick fuck?
Bastard was writing a cook book.
(beat)
'To Serve Man.'

Suffering For Your Art

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. I have a dream. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of LEGS, Episode 3, lottery winner Basil Keko gets the ransom demands for his kidnapped diabetic wife Kitty from white trash trailer punk Darryl Head, while private eye Carrie Love listens in. Meanwhile, Carrie's girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang gets an electronic jolt in her privates and runs off the set ...


INT. MEG'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The phone on the table RINGS.
Everybody JUMPS.

Basil looks at Carrie.
She nods.

Turns on the tape recorder.
Basil picks up.

Carefully puts it
on speakerphone.

BASIL
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits in a big, ratty
overstuffed wing chair
like it’s a throne.

Phone in one hand,
bottle of beer in the other.

Wendy sits on the couch,
timing the call on her watch.

Denny sits next to her,
lighting up the bong.

We see fat lines of white powder
on a mirror in front of Darryl.

DARRYL
Yo, is this the rich dude?
Basil Keko?

BASIL
Yes.
You better not have hurt my wife --

DARRYL
Chill out.
She’s fine.
In fact, we’re right now
giving her some sugar
for that diabetes thingamajig.

BASIL
So what do you want?

DARRYL
Well, seeing as how you won
two-hundred fifty-four million clamolas,
I’ll take two-hundred and fifty three.
A million bucks should last you
long enough since you’re old
and gonna die soon.

BASIL
But I don’t have it yet.
That check you saw on TV was a prop.

DARRYL
So when ARE you gonna get it?

BASIL
The wire transfer should
hit my bank tomorrow.

DARRYL
TOMORROW?

BASIL
Listen to me, you little fuck.
A wire transfer takes time.

Carrie stands.
Pantomimies with her arms t
hat she’s carrying a huge package.
Nods ‘understand?’

BASIL
(nods)
Now we have to figure out the logistics.
Do you realize how BIG
that much money is?
You’re gonna need a truck.

DARRYL
A truck?

BASIL
A hundred million is about
the size of a refrigerator,
so you’re talking about a load
the size of two and a half refrigerators.

DARRYL
Then I’ll get a fucking truck.

BASIL
Then there’s the matter of
where you’re gonna put it.
Have you thought of that, huh?

DARRYL
Shut up.
What do you think, I’m STUPID?

BASIL
I want to talk to Kitty.
I need to know she’s okay.

DARRYL
I told you.
She’s fine.

BASIL
If you don’t put her
on phone RIGHT NOW,
there’s no deal.
How do I know you
haven’t killed her already?

WENDY
(looks at her watch)
Time’s up.

DARRYL
We now pause for a
word from our sponsor.
Call you back.

BASIL
WAIT a minute --

He CLICKS the phone shut.
Leans down, and SNARFS
a line of meth up his nose. HONK.

Shakes his head.
Eyes blazing.

DARRYL
Now that’s what I call
‘keep on truckin.’

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
Cheesy Eurodisco over --

Laura on the chrome gurney.
She inserts a small, silver tube
connected to wires inside her.
Gasps.

LAURA
Damn, that’s COLD.
(to someone off-camera)
Sorry.

KLAUS (O.C.)
It’s okay.
We’ll take it out in post.
Carry on.

She nods.
Takes the control box
off the shelf next to her.

Puts it in her lap.
Slowly starts turning
one of the knobs.

The box starts HUMMING.
She closes her eyes.

LAURA
Three million more miles to Jupiter,
all alone on this godforsaken starship.
Thank god I’ve got my little friend
to keep me company.

KLAUS (O.C.)
Turn it up HIGHER.
We can’t HEAR it.

LAURA
Hold on.
I’m still getting used to it.

BEHIND THE CAMERA
Klaus reaches over.
Grabs an identical control box
with a wire coming out of it.
Starts turning a knob.

KLAUS
(low, to himself)
This’ll teach you
to disobey your DIRECTOR --

ANGLE ON
The wire.

Running across the floor
to Laura’s gurney.

ON THE SET
Laura starts moaning softly.

The HUMMING starts getting
LOUDER, FASTER.

LAURA
OW, FUCK --

She YANKS the tube out.
THROWS the box across the room.

LEAPS UP off the gurney.
Klaus RACES into frame.

KLAUS
What the FUCK?

LAURA
You fucking ELECTROCUTED me,
you fucking PERVERT.

She RACES out of the room.
SLAMS the door.

KLAUS
(calls out after her)
Haven’t you heard the phrase
‘suffering for your art?’
(to himself)
We can use that in the gag reel.
God, I’m brilliant.

Bonnaroo Buzz

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash trailer park kidnapper Darryl Head calls lottery winner Basil Keko with his ransom demands. Problem is, his kidnapee, Basil's wife Kitty, is diabetic and about to go into insulin shock ...


INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Wendy stands in the doorway,
holding a gun in her hands.

Darryl’s pants are down around his ankles.
Denny’s in his underwear.

Kitty glares at them,
tied to the bed.

WENDY
Don’t fucking TOUCH her.
I said I’d go along with a kidnapping,
but rape is crossing the line.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
Don’t do anything stupid, sugar plum.
Hand me the gun.

WENDY
Sure thing.
When you PULL YOUR FUCKING PANTS UP.
(to Denny)
You too, you fucking retard.

DENNY
You’re not supposed to say RETARD.
I’m a SLOW ADULT, stupid-face.

Kitty’s eyes go glassy.
She winces as if in pain.

WENDY
What’s wrong?

KITTY
It’s time for my insulin shot.
I’m a diabetic.

DARRYL
What happens if you don’t get it?

KITTY
Oh, I get tired, hungry, sweaty,
headache, blurry vision, slurred speech --

DARRYL
Well, that’s not too bad.

KITTY
Then I’ll go into insulin shock
and start having convulsions, go unconcious --
and maybe even go into a coma.
(beat)
Kinda fucks with your little scheme, huh?
Next time, you might want to do
a little research on your kidnapping victim.

DARRYL
Okay, okay, okay.
I’ll get you some insulin.

WENDY
How you gonna do THAT?
You can’t just buy it over the counter.

DARRYL
Shut up.
I’ll find a way.

KITTY
Do you have any candy or cookies?
Anything that has sugar in it?
That’ll help for a little while.

DENNY
ICE CREAM.

KITTY
Yeah.
That’ll work.

DARRYL
Dude.
That’s the last of our Bonnaroo Buzz,
Ben & Jerry’s most awesome gnarlyness.
The perfect blend of coffee,
malt, caramel and toffee.
You know how HARD that is to find?

WENDY
So have Denny go to the store
and get some candy and shit.
Honest to god, if I weren’t here
to supervise you two,
the old bag would be dead by now.

KITTY
Excuse me.
I’m only sixty.
(off their looks)
What.
Didn’t you hear?
Sixty’s the new fifty.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit around the coffee table
staring at the phone tape recorder sitting on it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
The air was filled like tension.
You could feel it.
Smell it. Touch it. Taste it.
It cut like a dull knife.
(beat)
My ex-mother-in-law had been abducted,
and there was nothing I could do about it.

BASIL
Why don’t they fucking CALL?
I’m losing my fucking MIND.
(growls)
If they harm one hair on her head,
they’re gonna DIE.

The front door opens.
In walks Meg and Ilona.

CARRIE
Meg.
(looks at Ilona)
Oh.

MEG
Hey.
(nods)
Bernie.
Mr. Keko.
(to Carrie)
This is my new partner, Ilona Ramirez.

CARRIE
Ilona.
You did it.
You’re a cop.

MEG
You know her?

ILONA
I used to bartend at the Clit Club.

CARRIE
Poured generous cocktails.
Had quite a way with a wedge of lime --

MEG
(to Carrie)
Did you -- ?

ILONA
(to Meg)
Relax.
The relationship was strictly business
between barmaid and lush.
(looks at Carrie)
And I was spoken for back then.

BASIL
(to Bernie)
So that’s the tart Carrie left you for.

MEG
Excuse me?

BERNIE
Dad.
We’re in HER house.

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Meg.
He’s distraught.
He didn’t mean it.

MEG
Nice to meet you too, Mr. Keko.

BASIL
Please.
Call me ‘Mr. Keko.’

MEG
(to Carrie)
So what’s the scoop?
Have they called with their demands yet?

CARRIE
Not yet.
It’s a power play.
The longer they wait to call,
the more they think they’re in control.

BERNIE
You’re assuming these assholes are that bright.

BASIL
The fuckers ARE in control.
They got my KITTY.

The phone on the table RINGS.
Everybody JUMPS.

Basil looks at Carrie.
She nods.

Turns on the tape recorder.
Basil picks up.
Carefully puts it on speakerphone.

BASIL
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits in a big, ratty
overstuffed wing chair like it’s a throne.

Phone in one hand,
bottle of beer in the other.

Wendy sits on the couch,
timing the call on her watch.

Denny sits next to her,
lighting up the bong.

We see fat lines of white powder
on a mirror in front of Darryl.

DARRYL
Yo, is this the rich dude?
Basil Keko?

Reach Out And Fuck Someone

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love, her ex, homicide dick Bernie Keko and his dad Basil set up base camp at Carrie's ex Meg's house to work on Basil's wife's kidnapping. Meanwhile, Meg is breaking in Ilona, a new cop on the beat, who reveals she also prefers 'the other white meat' ...


EXT. MEG’S HOUSE - DAY
A simple, small house
on a tree-lined street.

On the corner, so the yard
is a little larger than the others.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Ah, the scene of the crime.
Where Meg and I had more than a
few nights of unbridled passion.
Shame it didn’t last.
I believe the phrase is
‘on the rebound.’
(beat)
Or in my case,
‘on the rebound and gagged.’

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Small and cozy. Bright and clean.
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit on the couch,
staring at the phone on a coffee table.

BASIL
Call forwarding.
Genius.

CARRIE
Reach out and fuck someone.

BERNIE
(to Basil)
We swept the area around your house.
No one was watching it.

CARRIE
But they might come around,
so it’s safer to be here.

BASIL
There was no sign of forced entry.
They must have grabbed her
when she returned from yoga class.
(smiles)
It’s nice to see
you two together again.
Always thought you
were the perfect couple.
Shame it had to end like it did.

CARRIE
Yeah, well -- a fist fight
kinda takes the romance out of it.

BERNIE
Not to mention being caught
carpet-munching in OUR bed --

BASIL
(to Carrie)
You still prefer
'the other white meat?'

BERNIE
DAD.

BASIL
(to Carrie)
I’m sorry.
(looks down)
Like many old-school heterosexual men,
I deal with grief with crude,
inappropriate humor.
I’m so sorry.

CARRIE
It’s okay.
You’re upset.
(to Bernie)
So that’s where you get it from.

BERNIE
Takes one to blow one.

CARRIE
(looks at her watch)
I should call Meg.
Find out when her shift ends.
Don’t want to her surprise her
with a two and a half cops.

She pulls out her cell.
Walks out of the room.

EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH - BIKE PATH - DAY
A wide, two-lane cement bike path
that runs along the sand.

Megan and another FEMALE COP (20’s)
sit astride their stallions,
slowly CLIP-CLOPPING
down the bucolic avenue.

MEG
It’s a pretty good gig.
Great weather, and away from
the madness down south in Venice.
You been riding long?

FEMALE COP
Ever since I was thirteen a
nd discovered it was better than
sliding down the bannister.

Meet ILONA RAMIREZ, a curvy goblet
of caramel poured into her uniform.

Wide mouth with lips for days.
Long black hair tied in a ponytail
that reaches down to the horse’s back.

MEG
Sliding down the --
(blushes)
Oh.

ILONA
So you were a good girl.

MEG
Once upon a time.

Her cell RINGS.
She pulls it out.
Looks it at.

MEG
Hold that thought.
(into the phone)
Hey, Carrie.
What’s up?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Carrie stands in the big window
looking out at the street.

CARRIE
(into the phone)
Bernie’s mother was kidnapped
and we’re using your house
as a base of operations.
Hope it’s okay.

MEG
Holy shit. When?

CARRIE
About an hour ago.
The kidnappers said ‘no cops,’
so we didn’t want to be seen
at their place in case
it was being watched.

MEG
Of course.
Don’t worry about it.
(beat)
Holy shit.
Bernie’s MOM --
(beat)
And you’re helping Bernie
with the case?

CARRIE
Well, I’m not a cop anymore,
and you know what they say,
once an in-law, always an in-law.

MEG
Is there anything I can do?

CARRIE
When does your shift end?

MEG
In about an hour, but I’m
breaking in my new partner.
I might be able to get away with
ending it early,
make up some excuse.

CARRIE
Great.
We can use all the help we can get.
See you soon.

The both CLICK their phones shut.
Ilona looks at Meg.

ILONA
What was that all about?

MEG
My ex’s ex’s mother was kidnapped.

ILONA
Holy shit.
(beat)
You were talking to 'Carrie.'
You’re ex was a chick?

MEG
Uh, yeah.

ILONA
Cool.
So was mine.

MEG
Oh.

ILONA
Tell the watch commander
we ate bad fish tacos
and got the runs.

MEG
That’s -- a great idea.

ILONA
I got your back, mamasita.
(beat)
And your front --

The Energizer Pussy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, Episode 3, things heat up on the set when porn star Laura Lang tries to use an electronic dildo on her cooch. Meanwhile, white trash kidnappers Darryl, Wendy and Denny are in over their head when they try to silence their surly victim, Kitty Keko ...


INT. PORN SET - DAY
A real soundstage. A surprisingly good set
which looks like a space ship.

This is a porno with a budget.
Laura lies on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic, rubber and vinyl.

KLAUS
Take number four and five
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
You want it brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.

LAURA
Can we get started?
This costume is as cold and clammy
as Joan Rivers' cooch.

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to the sound man)
Give me some MUSIC.

SOUND MAN (O.S.)
The hills are alive, mein fuhrer.

Some obscure 80’s Euro-synth-pop song
starts playing, LOUD.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my RIDING CROP.
(to a PA)
The DRY ICE.
Start the DRY ICE.

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist. Klaus smiles.

Hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps,
this one controls the watts --
and this one is for
the frequency modulation.

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks.
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes.
She’s ANGRY.
That HURTS.
But it feels so GOOD.
(throws up his arms)
Speed. Camera.
And -- ACTION.

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Tiny. Cramped.
Clothing strewn everywhere.
Empty pizza boxes. Beer cans.

KITTY KEKO (60’s), surprisingly attractive,
if a bit puffy --
lies on the bed staring at her captors,
wrists tied to the bed posts.

Darryl holds a gun on her.
Wendy’s behind him in the doorway.

Denny angrily picks up
his clothes from the floor.
Puts them in a laundry basket.

DENNY
This is stupid.
I don’t see why I have to --

DARRYL
Shut up, Denny.
Kitty is our guest,
and I want her to be
as comfortable as possible.

KITTY
My son is gonna fucking kill you,
you little shit.

DARRYL
Now is that any way to talk
to your host?

KITTY
Fuck you, trailer trash.
You’re not going to get away this.
Eat shit and DIE.

DARRYL
Such language for an old lady.
(turns, to Wendy)
I tried being nice, right?

WENDY
Yeah.

DARRYL
Denny, shove a sock
in her mouth, will ya?

Denny grins.
Picks a stained old sock
up off the floor.

KITTY
NO, PLEASE.

He comes over to her.
Holds it up.

Smells it.
Makes a face.

DENNY
Mmm.
Nice and ripe --
(makes a jerking off motion)
And crunchy.

KITTY
No, please.
I’ll be quiet.
I promise.

DARRYL
Hurry up.
Stop fucking around.

Denny starts to stuff
the sock in her mouth,
and Kitty KNEES him
in the groin, HARD.

Denny REELS BACK,
CRIES OUT in pain.

DARRYL
Fucking BITCH.

He RUSHES over,
PISTOL-WHIPS her, CRACK.

She goes out like a light.
A big GASH on her temple
starts bleeding.

DARRYL
That’ll teach you
to hurt my brother.

Denny sits on the floor,
rocking back and forth,
holding his nuts.

Eyes glassy.
Face red.

DARRYL
Are you okay?

DENNY
NO.

WENDY
I’ll go get a bandage.
(looks at Denny)
And some ice --

She leaves.
Denny looks at Darryl.
Eyes pleading.

DENNY
You gotta make her PAY.

Darryl starts unbuckling his belt.
Unzipping his fly.

DARRYL
Oh, I’m gonna make her pay, alright.
(beat)
The HARD way --

Let's Not Do Lunch

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of LEGS, Episode 3, the plot thickens when lottery winner Basil Keko meets with his son, homicide dick Bernie Keko for help with his wife's kidnapping, who enlists the help of his ex, private eye Carrie Love ... who gets the call while meeting with her brothers who are trying to screw her out of her inheritance ...


EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
A tiny park. Green grass.
Plants. Flowers. Bird chirping.

A HOMELESS MAN (50’s)
sleeps on the grass
in the distance.

Bernie and Basil sit on a park bench
facing the sidewalk.

BASIL
They said not to contact the police,
but you’re my son,
so that’s okay, right?

BERNIE
It’s okay, pop.
It’s okay.
(realizes)
Oh, shit.
Her medication.

BASIL
I know.
I’m worried sick.
If she doesn’t have her insulin --

BERNIE
(stands)
We’re not solving
anything sitting here.
You go back to the house
and wait for their call.

BASIL
(gets up)
What are you gonna do?

BERNIE
I’m gonna call Carrie.
She owes me one.

BASIL
Your ex?
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Why would she help?
She left you.

BERNIE
That hasn’t stopped her
from coming to me for help.
And besides, when she finds out
Kitty’s been kidnapped,
the assholes that got her
don’t have a chance.
She’s like Jerry Sandusky
at a NAMBLA meeting
when she’s riled up.

BASIL
No shit.
Remember that Thanksgiving
when she got it in her head
that SHE was gonna
carve the turkey?

BERNIE
How could I forget.
The arterial spray
ruined the stuffing.

INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone CHIRPS.
She looks at it. Alarmed.

CARRIE
Excuse me.
I gotta take this.
It’s urgent.
(gets up, walk away,
into the phone)
Bernie.
What’s up with
the nine-one-one?
Are you okay?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERNIE’S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Bernie sits behind the wheel
talking on his cell.

We see out the window
that he’s at the curb
near the park.

BERNIE
My mother’s been kidnapped.

CARRIE
WHAT? When? Where? WHY?
Your father doesn’t
have any money --

BERNIE
He does now.
He just won the lottery,
and now some scumbag
got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
We’ll get her back.
Was there a ransom note?

BERNIE
No.
They scrawled a message
on the fridge saying
they’d call later
with their demands.
And they also said ‘no cops,’
or they’d HURT her.

CARRIE
Kidnappers always say that,
you know.

BERNIE
I know, I know --
but this is my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Take a deep breath.
I’m with you.
Where are you?

BERNIE
Down the street
from his house.
I don’t wanna go in
in case they’re watching it.

CARRIE
Hey.
Meg lives right
around the corner.

BERNIE
You want to use HER
place as a base of operations?

CARRIE
Hey.
You know what they say.
When life gives you a lesbian,
make lesbianade.

BERNIE
What if she’s on duty?

CARRIE
I have a key.

BERNIE
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

CARRIE
Listen, if you want me to help you,
you gotta lay off that shit.
Meg’s very important to me,
and you’re just gonna have to
deal with it, okay?

BERNIE
Okay. I’m sorry.
I’m upset.
We can use all the help
we can get.

CARRIE
That’s right.
And don’t you forget it.
I’ll be right there.
(hangs up, to Nate and Todd)
Sorry, greedy younger siblings.
I gotta split.

TODD
What the hell?
You can’t just leave.

CARRIE
Oh, yes I can.
My ex-husband’s mother
was just kidnapped.
I think that’s a
lot more important
than picking over
dead father’s bones.
(to Bob)
You’ll reschedule?
Have your people
call their people?

BOB
Of course.
Go. Hurry.

CARRIE
Thanks.
(to Todd and Nate)
Love you.
Don’t mean it.
Let’s not do lunch.

She strides out the door.
SLAMS it behind her.

Where's John Grisham When You Need Him?

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love meets with her brothers at the reading of their father's will and discovers they're trying to stop her from getting any money. Meanwhile, Carrie's ex's father wins the lottery, and then discovers his wife has been kidnapped ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The theme from The Good, The Bad & The Ugly over --

A burnished, glossy, airbrushed joint
out of a Glenn Close wet dream.

Todd and Nate sit in plush chairs
on one side of the table with their ATTORNEYS,
a pair of stone-faced, smooth-looking hawks.

CARRIE’S ATTORNEY, a big, jovial-looking fellow
sits on the other side with Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was my date with destiny.
Or her child, at least.
I was about to go head-to-head
with my younger brothers. ‘
Awkward’ doesn’t begin to cover it.
I felt like Richard Simmons
at a Chick Fil-A opening.

Todd glares at Carrie with utter contempt.
A vein on his temple throbs violently.

Nate looks stiff and awkward.
Maybe it’s because of the suit
he’s not used to wearing.

JACK HASSIG (60), Todd’s attorney,
tall and thin with a grey brush cut
the same shade as his suit smiles at Carrie.

Big eyes bulging to the point
of almost exploding.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Get aload of this guy.
‘Bug-eyed much?’
Better lay off the Red Bull, buster,
or your head’s gonna explode.

JACK
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Love.

CARRIE
'Ms. Love,' please.
Get with the program.
We got equal rights
back in the seventies, remember?
Gloria Steinem? Susan Sontag?
We fought hard for that 'Ms.'

JACK
I’m sorry, Ms. Love.

SAUL BRAUNSTEIN (30’s), Nate’s attorney,
a young turk, slick in Armani
tries to hide his Dick Cheney-like sneer.

SAUL
We’re glad you could make it this time.

CARRIE
Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
It isn’t every day I
get to see my darling brothers.
Cue the Hallmark Moment.

BOB BALL (50), Carrie’s attorney
looks around the room.

BOB
So I gather the reason for this meeting
is to negotiate exactly how much Carrie
is going to get from her father’s estate?

JACK
That would be correct.

BOB
Well, I must say, I’m confused.
Carrie told me that the
last time she saw her father --
when they reconcileed after not
seeing or speaking to each other for ten years --
he said he wished there was something
he could do to change his will.

JACK
Edgar Love had an irrevocable trust,
which could not and cannot be changed,
so that statement was moot.

BOB
That may be true, but Carrie
also informed me that a signed,
original copy of his will was never found.

JACK
We’re still searching the files
in our off-site storage facility.
I’m sure a signed original will turn up.

BOB
But if it doesn’t, then the estate
is to be equally divided amongst his heirs.

SAUL
If you try and pull that,
we’ll bury you in legal actions for years.
(to Carrie)
Can you afford a lengthy trial, Miss Love?

CARRIE
It’s MS. Love, jacksass.
Of course I can’t.
(to Bob)
What the fuck?

BOB
Shhh. Let me handle it.

JACK
We’re prepared to offer MS. Love
five-hundred thousand dollars as a settlement.

CARRIE
Five-hundred K?
You gotta be fucking KIDDING me.
That’s not ‘fuck you money.’
(to Bob)
They’re gonna get ‘fuck you money.’

BOB
(puts his hand on her arm)
Gentlemen. Do you realize
how ludicrious your offer is?
You’re proposing that Todd and Nate
each get eight million,
and their older sister one-sixteenth of that?
That’s positively insulting.
Not to mention the fact that
taxes will take half of it.

CARRIE
I don’t understand why we can’t just
divide it into three equal shares.
(to Nate and Todd)
That would the civilized thing to do.
Remember civilization?
You don’t need to wear the bear skin
and carry a club anymore.

TODD
If I had my way,
you wouldn’t get one red cent.
I worked for him, YOU didn’t.

CARRIE
We’ve gone over this,
Mr. Short Attention Span.
You got FIRED, remember?
(beat)
Look. The last thing our father said to me
was he wished there was a way
he could give me something.
Can’t you see he figured out a way to do it?
He destroyed the original will.
Brilliant move, I must say.

TODD
He didn’t destroy it.
We’re gonna find it.
CARRIE
(to Nate)
And you’re okay with this, Judas?
I mean Nate?

Nate looks down.
Fidgeting in his chair.

SAUL
Nate is acting on the advice of counsel.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
So that’s it.
The silent treatment?
I was the only one that played with you
when you were a little kid, remember?
Does money mean more than family?

BOB
(to Jack and Saul)
I must say I’ve never seen anything like this
in thirty years of praticising law.

Carrie shakes her head.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
(under her breath)
Where’s John Grisham when you need him?

EXT. BUNGALOW - DAY
An old, stately home on a leafy, middle-class street
in the heart of the cheap seats of Santa Monica.
Safe. Bucolic.

Basil walks up to the front door.
Opens it. Goes in.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Heavy and quiet with old, mis-matched furniture.
But nice. Spotless.

Basil hums happily.
Pads across the room.

BASIL
Honey, I’m home.
Did you see me on TV?

He looks around.
Then heads toward the kitchen.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - KITCHEN - DAY
Bright and cheerful, nice and neat.
Basil walks into the room, looks around.

BASIL
Honey?

He sees a message on the refrigerator
written in big block letters in black magic marker:

WE HAVE YOUR WIFE.
DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE OR SHE WILL DIE.
WE WILL CALL YOU WITH OUR RANSOM DEMANDS.
- A FRIEND.

BASIL
Holy shit. Oh my god. Holy shit.
(goes to the phone, dials)
Bernie. Thank god you’re there.
Your mother’s been kidnapped.
(listens)
Meet me in the park down the street
in case they’re watching the house --

Electro-Glide In Lube

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Sunday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace.

In Chapter 2 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang nuke some White Castle burgers after a night of wild sex. Meanwhile, Carrie's ex's father wins the powerball lottery, live on TV ... which attracts the attention of a group of drugged-out white trash trailer kids ...


INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - DAY
The lovers sit on bar stools.
Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle cheeseburger.
She wolfs it down in one gulp.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

CARRIE
It’s the dawn of a new era
in my sexual exploits.
I came without you even touching me.
(sings)
It’s a whole new world --

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more? Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love,
I’d nuke heaven and earth.
(goes to the microwave,
pops a few more in)
So what’s the name of the movie?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage up your --

The microwave DINGS.
Carrie gets up. Gets the burgers.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
Set phasers to ‘stun’ so to speak.

CARRIE
(serves them)
I know. I’m sorry.
It’s none of my business.

LAURA
(takes one)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to me.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small, fragile in her big,
white terry cloth robe. Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey. Enough of that. You deserve it.
I deserve it. We’re just people.
Both of us. We both deserve it.

LAURA
(a whisper)
Then why doesn’t it feel like it?

INT. TV STUDIO - SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL (40’s)
in a sharp suit holds a giant check.

Next to him stands BASIL KEKO (60’s),
Bernie’s father, a big barrel of a man.

Once rock-hard, now soft and doughy,
but still with the stern face of a cop.
Which he was.

GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL
I now present to the winner
of the Powerball Lottery,
Basil Keko of Santa Monica,
this check in the amount of
two-hundred fifty-four MILLION dollars.

Grinning hands it to Basil,
who stares into the camera,
a deer in the klieg lights.

BASIL
Th-thanks.

GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL
Do you know what you’re going to do
with this sudden windfall?

BASIL
Uh, pay off my mortgage --
take the wife on vacation --
(smiles)
And buy myself a big boat.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal --

EXT. SHITTY TRAILER HOME - DAY
A double-wide model in serious disrepair.
Once white, now gray.
This is your home on drugs.

INT. SHITTY TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Beyond run-down. Two KIDS sit on a threadbare couch
with cans of beer watching the proceedings
on a giant old-school TV sitting on
planks of wood supported by cinder blocks.

DRUGGED-OUT KID
Two-hundred fifty-four million canolis.
Jesus fucking Christ on a Thai stick.
You could buy enough drugs
to open a fucking pharmacy.

Meet DARRYL HEAD (22),
ne’er do well drug enthusiast.

Rail-thin, red hair in a frizzy afro,
with a matching soul patch
that threatens to overtake his chin.

STONER GIRL
Damn. Imagine being able to walk into a store
and buy whatever the fuck you want.
I’d get me a PINK HUMMER.

Meet WENDY HAMMERS (18), high school drop-out.
Saucy in a belly-T, daisy dukes and flip-flops.

Big, bottle blonde ponytails
on either side of her head.

Girl-next-door cute,
but the hard partying
is starting to dim her luster.

DARRYL
I’d get me a pink hummer -- from you.

DENNY HEAD (18), Darryl’s
‘special needs’ little brother,
sits on the floor indian-style,
cradling a giant bong in his lap.

Natty in surfer jams and a ‘Weeds’ T-shirt.
He EXHALES a giant cloud of smoke.
Grins, eyes druggy slits.

DENNY
She said 'hummer.'

Darryl WHIPS his head to the left,
eyes flashing.

He’s just had another one of his
‘brilliant ideas.’

DARRYL
Wait a minute.
He lives in Santa Monica, too.

He goes to the kitchen counter.
Grabs a phone book.

Rifles through it.
Wendy and Denny watch him, excited.

WENDY
What’s up, honey-bunny?

Darryl finds the listing.
A maniacal grin.

He WHIRLS around.
Jabs a finger at them. Eyes blazing.

DARRYL
Basil Keko lives on Bay Street.
That’s only ten blocks away.

DENNY
We gonna go visit him?

WENDY
I know that look.
You just got one of your
big ideas, didn’t you?

Darryl nods.
Dashes over to the coffee table.

Leans down. SNARFS up a line of meth.
Jumps back up.

Starts pacing the room like a wild animal.
Thinking. Plotting. Planning.

DARRYL
This is gonna be our biggest score EVER.
It’s gonna go down in HISTORY.
We’re gonna be set for LIFE.
They’ll make a MOVIE about it.
(rubs his hands together)
Ommigod, when I’m brilliant,
I’m fucking BRILLIANT.

WENDY
Whatta you wanna do, rob him?

DARRYL
No, no, no. Too dangerous.
The announcer said he used to be a cop.

DENNY
Then what you wanna do, Darryl?

DARRYL
He said that he was married, right?

WENDY
Right --

DARRYL
So we fucking KIDNAP his wife.

WENDY
Holy shit.

DARRYL
Is that fucking brilliant or WHAT?

DENNY
Like taking candy from a retard.

And he FIRES UP another bong hit.

Be It Ever So Kinky

Happy Saturday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of LEGS, Episode 3, we catch up with private eye Carrie Love and her girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang at Club Fuck, getting more than a little depraved on their 'date' ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A faceless warehouse on the
cheap end of the Sunset Strip.

Nasty industrial music dully
thump-thumps from within.

Laura and Carrie wait in line
behind the velvet rope.

Laura’s done up like some kind of
stormtrooper from a Dick Cheney wet dream
in leather and rubber.

Carrie, just getting her feet wet
in a cute little latex dress
that’s too short, too tight.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I don’t know how it happened,
but Club Fuck became our hangout.

The FREAKISHLY TATTOOED AND PIERCED
TRIBAL BOUNCER (20’s) looks at them.
Smiles. Nods. Lifts the rope.

LAURA
Ready to get totally depraved?

CARRIE
Yes, please.

And they go in.

INT. CLUB FUCK - FRONT BAR
A carnival of perversion.
The fall of Rome. Fellini, on tap.

The magic couple pound shots.
Hands all over each other.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Now that I was there with Laura,
it no longer felt like a freak show.
It felt --like home.

CARRIE
It’s the nipple clamp version
of the Star Wars bar.
I love it.

LAURA
(takes her hand)
Then c’mon, love --
let’s tighten the screws.

INT. CLUB FUCK - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Carrie and Laura bump and grind
in a hailstorm of strobe lights
to the throbbing groove,
lost in the teaming crowd,
delirious. Intoxicated. Inflamed.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It felt like a place
where you could be yourself,
no matter who -- or what you were.

They lock eyes. Stop dancing. Kiss.
Laura GRABS Carrie’s hair.

Pulls her head back.
Starts sucking. Biting. Feasting.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Be it ever so kinky,
there’s no place like home.

IN A DARK CORNER
Laura untwists a little vial.
HONKS up a hit of something white.
Then another.

Then gives Carrie a couple. HONK. HONK.
Carrie grins crookedly.

Downs her drink.
Then kisses her.

CARRIE (V.O.)
A friend in need
is a friend in heat.

INT. CLUB FUCK - PLAY ROOM - NIGHT
The druggy, depraved goth-rock of
Daniel Ash’s COMING DOWN
bubbles under the dark dankness.

At the other end,
a small wooden platform
bathed in red light.

Carrie and Laura stand up front
off to the side, watching.

A GIANT DOMINATRIX (30’s)
leads a YOUNG GIRL (18) up onto the stage.

The CROWD, a motley assortment of
male, female and everything in-between
watches with rapt attention.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I’ve never been what you’d call
conservative in the sack,
and I’ve always been
drawn to the dark side,
but this was taking sexual experimentation
to a whole new level.

Giant Dominatrix holds Young Girl’s hand.
Guides her over to a
large wooden cross on its side,
like a big ‘X’.

Young Girl’s eyes
flicker with anticipation.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I suddenly found myself getting sucked into
a vortex of dominance and submission
that would make the Marquis de Sade blush.

Giant places Young Girl’s wrist
into a shackle on the cross.

CLICKS it shut.
Then does the other. CLICK.

Then slowly reaches up to the zipper
of her bodysuit at her at throat.

Slowly, slowly zips it down.
Revealing plain, girlish lingerie.
Pale, trembling skin.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My mind was racing.
I’d played handcuff games,
but this was The story of O,
Exit to Eden and Fifty Shades Of Gray
all rolled into one.

Dominatrix then places
Young Girl’s left ankle on the cross.

CLICKS the shackle shut.
Then does the right. CLICK.

Strokes Young’s calf with her
black vinyl-gloved hand.
Young shudders.

Then slowly, achingly -- goes up, up her leg.
Reaches her soft, milky thigh. Then stops.

CARRIE (V.O.)
In normal relationships
there’s conflict about who’s in control --
but in this scenario,
the roles are clearly defined.

Young Girl quivers.
Bites her lip.
Closes her eyes.

A tear of pleasure trickles down.
Giant’s hand continues on it’s journey.

Reaches her panties.
A small wet spot glistens.

She stops.
Young’s hips buckle.
She can’t take it. Please.

CARRIE (V.O.)
There’s no struggle.
You can just let go --
and swim in a sea of pleasure.

A FETISH COUPLE (20’s)
watches, holding hands.
GIRL dabs her eyes.

BOY leans over.
Softly kisses her pierced cheek.

Carrie stares.
Eyes wide as saucers.
Laura squeezes her hand.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And then, before I knew it,
I was scared shitless --
because I was so fucking turned on.

INT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - BEDROOM - NIGHT
The brittle, aching, subterranean croon
of David Bowie’s cover of GOD ONLY KNOWS over --

CARRIE (V.O.)
You know what they say.
When in Rome --

Ghostly, eerie in the light from a lone candle.
Carrie’s handcuffed to the bedposts
in bra and panties.

Laura kneels before her.
Flogging Carrie gently. Delicately.

And on each swirling whissssk of the soft straps --
Carrie jerks with new pleasure.

The flogging quickens.
Softer. Closer. Deeper.

Carrie writhes. Moans.
Then HOWLS AT THE MOON.

A carnal, animal bray.
SHRIEKING like a banshee virgin
finally finding release.

Then starts crying,
sobbing from so much.

Laura THROWS the flogger to the floor.
Reaches up.

Unfastens Carrie’s wrists.
Throws her arms around her. Holds her.

LAURA
(whispers)
Come again?