The Silence Of The Clams

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of FULL BODY, Summer Donovan has her hands full when she has a session with black ops spook Dwight Blank, who has a hard time keeping his hands to himself. Meanwhile, Yuri Vlaovic meets with Senator Hassig, who he's blackmailing with incriminating photos of him dressed like a Hooter's girl ...


INT. GOLD MASSAGE SUITE - NIGHT
Propellerheads’ drum-and-bass
acid-jazz cover of
ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE over --

Summer, in a spa
next to DWIGHT BLANK (30’s).

Flabby, strange-looking.
Mouth a sneer.

Black, beady eyes flicker
like secret butterflies.

Sips cognac.
Looks like he needs a bath.
And he’s IN one.

DWIGHT
C’mon.
Sit on my lap.

Summer smiles faintly.
Maneuvers on top of him.

DWIGHT
Nice.
(looks around)
I like this place.
I’m going to have to
come here all the time.
(squeezes her boobs)
And request YOU.
Ha.

SUMMER
(SMACKS his hands away)
NO!

DWIGHT
But I thought that we could --

SUMMER
You have to negotiate
for things like that.

DWIGHT
Oh, I see -- kind of like
when you’re in Africa,
and you need
missile launcher parts --
and all you have to
bargain with is a camel.

Pause.

SUMMER
Yeah.
Like that.

DWIGHT
So how much
to squeeze your tits?

SUMMER
Uh -- fifty dollars.
Each.

DWIGHT
(grabs, SQUEEZES her boobs)
Whoooooooo!

SUMMER
Hey! No!
Stop that!

DWIGHT
But I thought
for a hundred clams --

SUMMER
We were still negotiating!

DWIGHT
Are all the women here
so passive-aggressive?

SUMMER
Okay, look.
You’re obviously a newbie.
Here’s the deal --
the GIRL calls the shots.
You get two chances to behave.
On the third,
you get thrown out.
Got it?

DWIGHT
Got it.
(beat)
Bet you’re really good
with a riding crop.

SUMMER
What?

DWIGHT
Hey.
I’ve got an idea.
Wanna do some blow?

SUMMER
You have -- coke?

DWIGHT
US government
pharmaceutical grade, baby.
Opens doors in Nicaragua --
(beat)
Whaddaya say we get on the table
and play ‘drug mule and the sheik?’

Summer takes a sip of cognac.
Makes a face.

SUMMER
Okay.
But no camels.

EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT - REFLECTING POOL - AT THAT MOMENT
Yuri sits on a park bench.
Talks on his cell.

YURI
Just sit tight.
She just got here,
she’s going to wait
for perfect moment,
she wants to torture us.
Nothing will happen tonight.
(listens)
Calm down, calm down.
I’ll get you more security.
And after I finish this deal,
I put out hit on the cunt.
(listens)
I’m sorry.
Your mother --

A FIGURE IN BLACK approaches.
Yuri sees him.

Picks up Oogie.
Puts him in his pocket.

YURI
I must go now, ljubavnik.
Client is here.
(beat)
Love you, too --

He hangs up.
Looks at the FIGURE (40’s).

Tall, lean, Kennedy-esque.
The grim version.
Anxious. Pissed.

YURI
Senator Hassig.
Nice to see you.

HASSIG
You fucking bastard.

YURI
Kill strip club ban,
make sure vote don’t pass,
and maybe I have second thought.

HASSIG
You’re a scumbag.

YURI
And you’re stimulating
conversationalist.
Would be shame for gossip rags
to get picture of you
dressed like Hooters girl.

HASSIG
I’ve got your money,
you greasy bastard.

He pulls a fat envelope
out of his jacket pocket.
Tosses it.

Yuri smiles grimly.
Looks inside.
Nods. Stands.

YURI
Pleasure doing business.

He offers his hand to shake.
Hassig SPITS.

HASSIG
Business, right.
You’re a fucking lowlife thug,
a blight on this nation’s capitol.

YURI
That might be --
but I don’t
dress like cheerleader
and stick large vegetable
in rectum.