Shit Don't Stink

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie gets revenge on school bully Ready Hand by secretly giving him a laxative and crazy gluing him to the toilet seat ... and then videotaping it ...


IN THE BATHROOM

Ready RUNS to the toilet.
YANKS down his jeans.

SLAMS his ass down, just in time.
We hear a VIOLENT SPRAY OF DIARRHEA.

Bettie’s smart phone FLOATS
into the room. Pointing at him.

A red light GOES ON.
Ready doesn’t see it. Eyes closed.

READY
Talk about a fucking SHIT.
(sniffs)
Smells like something DIED.

He tries to look between
his legs to see it.

Then tries to stand.
But he CAN’T.
He’s GLUED TO THE SEAT.

READY
What the fuck?

BETTIE (V.O.)
(weird, deep voice)
Smile, you’re on Candid Crapper.
(beat)
You are SO screwed NOW, asshole.

READY
(sees the camera)
What? Who is that?
Who’s there? What the FUCK?

BETTIE (V.O.)
This is the voice of GOD.
Since you’ve been a BAD BOY,
you’ve been sentenced to
spend the rest of your days
GLUED TO THE TOILET.
(beat)
Damn, do you REEK.
And you thought your
shit didn’t stink.

Incensed, Ready tries to LEAP
off the toilet and LUNGE
at the phantom voice.

But he doesn’t budge,
and SCREAMS with pain.

READY
You fucking ASSHOLE.
You’re not gonna get
AWAY with this.

BETTIE (V.O.)
In your hat, turd-boy.
Maybe I should call the
Guiness Book Of World Records,
tell them about
‘the world’s longest SHIT.’

Ready LOSES it, and YANKS
the toilet seat off
the bowl with a CRUNCH.

He FLIES into the air,
the seat stuck to his ass --
The camera JUMPS out of the way --
And Ready CRASHES into the wall, BANG.

READY
OW.

He gets up, crouched low, the seat
restricting his movement.

The phone FLIES around
him in a circle.

BETTIE (V.O.)
GREAT footage. Can’t WAIT
to stream this on the web.
Just WAIT till your friends see THIS.

READY
No, STOP -- you CAN’T DO THAT --

Ready tries to spin in a circle,
arms GRABBING for the phone,
but it stays one step ahead of him.

Then FLIES OVER to the sink.
FLOATS in front of the mirror.

READY
Aha. Gotcha NOW.

He LUNGES at the phone,
and just as he gets near it,
it FLIES straight up into the air.

Ready’s face SMASHES
into the glass,
which CRACKS and gets
SPRAYED with blood.

Ready FLIES backwards,
HITS the tiles.
CRYING out in pain.

BETTIE (V.O.)
That’s it folks, show’s over.
Thanks for coming. See ya NEXT TIME.

She breaks into MANIACAL LAUGHTER --
and the phone goes SAILING out the door.