Bromantic Comedy

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, in round one of getting revenge on the popular kids that cyber-bullied Bettie, her BFF Lonny posts the video she shot of Ready Hand getting stuck to the toilet during a diarrhea attack on MyTube, which the kids see, much to Ready's horror ...


INT. LONNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A comic book geek’s wet dream come true.
Walls and shelves filled with posters,
action figures and movie stills of
superheroes and horror movie icons
of past and present.

Lonny sits at his desk in front
of his computer drinking a can of soda.

Another can floats in the air next to him.
He puts his down.

Fingers go flying across the keyboard.

LONNY
See? It’s easy.
I just upload the video to MyTube --

ON THE MONITOR
Is the MyTube website.
On it, a video appears in a small box.

Caption reads
LOSER GLUED TO TOILET SEAT FREAKS OUT.

The mouse clicks on PLAY, and it starts up --
We see Ready stuck to the toilet lid.

He RIPS it off.
RUNS around the bathroom,
the lid still stuck to his ass.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Omigod. That’s GREAT.
(beat)
But won’t people know you posted it?

LONNY
Nah. I created a fake account connected
to a dummy email address I never use.

LONNY’S
Fingers go FLYING on the keyboard.

LONNY
Now I send a mass-email to everyone
in school with the link, and voila.
Instant cyber-counterattack.

BETTIE (V.O.)
How did you get everyone’s email addresses?

LONNY
I’d give you a dirty look, but I can’t see you.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Oh. Right. Computer genius.

LONNY
Word to my gigabytes.
(sighs contentedly)
Now we just sit back and watch the fireworks.

INT. MUFFIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Muffin lies in bed, works her tablet computer.
Looks at the screen. SCREAMS.

MUFFIN
OhmifuckingGOD. That’s Ready HAND.
(eyes grow wide)
EW to the third power.

She GRABS her phone.
Fingers a number. Listens. Then --

MUFFIN
GRETCHEN, it’s me -- are you watching it?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GRETCHEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The ice princess sits at her desk,
staring at her computer.

GRETCHEN
Uh -- yeah.
I’m like SO embarrassed,
my douche had to chill.
Can you say ‘toilet-bowling for dollars?’

MUFFIN
Gag me with a ball-gag.
So your prom date just went bin Laden?

GRETCHEN
Earth to Muffin --
fuck me gently with a Roto-rooter.
Can you say MAJOR PR damage?

MUFFIN
(hears something)
Hold on. That’s my other line --

GRETCHEN
Take your time.
I need to go choose a razor blade --

MUFFIN
(punches a button)
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BRAD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Manly yes, but he likes it, too.
You can practically smell the gym socks
and empty beer cans on the page.

Brad sits at his desk.
Stares at his computer with a shit-eating grin.

BRAD
Hey. It’s me. You see the video?

MUFFIN
Does Whit Wiggins ride the Hershey Highway?
Fucking UNREAL. Who do you think shot it?

BRAD
Hell if I know. We gotta find out.
It’s fucking GENIUS.
(hears something)
Hold on. My other line --

HEATHER
Later, tater-tot.
I need to jingle the bitches.

BRAD
Give ‘em a lick for me.
(pushes a button)
Yo. Sup?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERT’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Brought to you by the color ‘messy.’
Bert and Whit sit on his bed
with textbooks and a big pizza.

Whit stares at his tablet computer,
shaking his head. Grinning.

BERT
(on his cell phone)
It’s Bert. You see the video?

BRAD
Yeah. Fuckin’ UNBELIEVABLE.
Who knew Ready could go FULL-RETARD?

BERT
I KNOW. Me and Whit watched it five times.
Fuck-head got his ASS glued
to the fucking TOILET SEAT.

BRAD
You and Whit?

BERT
Yeah. He’s helping me with that English paper.

BRAD
You sure that’s ALL he’s helping you with?

BERT
Fuck you. I bought the pizza.
If I don’t pass English, I don’t graduate,
and NO football scholarship.

BRAD
Just sayin’ --

BERT
Go FUCK yourself. Asshole.

BRAD
Chill, bromantic comedy.
Just yanking your chain-male.
(beat)
Hey. What’s that I hear in the background?
Lady Gag-Gag?