Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 13 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, in round one of getting revenge on the popular kids that cyber-bullied Bettie, her BFF Lonny posts the video she shot of Ready Hand getting stuck to the toilet during a diarrhea attack on MyTube, which the kids see, much to Ready's horror ...
INT. LONNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A comic book geek’s wet dream come true.
Walls and shelves filled with posters,
action figures and movie stills of
superheroes and horror movie icons
of past and present.
Lonny sits at his desk in front
of his computer drinking a can of soda.
Another can floats in the air next to him.
He puts his down.
Fingers go flying across the keyboard.
See? It’s easy.
I just upload the video to MyTube --
ON THE MONITOR
Is the MyTube website.
On it, a video appears in a small box.
LOSER GLUED TO TOILET SEAT FREAKS OUT.
The mouse clicks on PLAY, and it starts up --
We see Ready stuck to the toilet lid.
He RIPS it off.
RUNS around the bathroom,
the lid still stuck to his ass.
Omigod. That’s GREAT.
But won’t people know you posted it?
Nah. I created a fake account connected
to a dummy email address I never use.
Fingers go FLYING on the keyboard.
Now I send a mass-email to everyone
in school with the link, and voila.
How did you get everyone’s email addresses?
I’d give you a dirty look, but I can’t see you.
Oh. Right. Computer genius.
Word to my gigabytes.
Now we just sit back and watch the fireworks.
INT. MUFFIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Muffin lies in bed, works her tablet computer.
Looks at the screen. SCREAMS.
OhmifuckingGOD. That’s Ready HAND.
(eyes grow wide)
EW to the third power.
She GRABS her phone.
Fingers a number. Listens. Then --
GRETCHEN, it’s me -- are you watching it?
INT. GRETCHEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The ice princess sits at her desk,
staring at her computer.
Uh -- yeah.
I’m like SO embarrassed,
my douche had to chill.
Can you say ‘toilet-bowling for dollars?’
Gag me with a ball-gag.
So your prom date just went bin Laden?
Earth to Muffin --
fuck me gently with a Roto-rooter.
Can you say MAJOR PR damage?
Hold on. That’s my other line --
Take your time.
I need to go choose a razor blade --
(punches a button)
INT. BRAD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Manly yes, but he likes it, too.
You can practically smell the gym socks
and empty beer cans on the page.
Brad sits at his desk.
Stares at his computer with a shit-eating grin.
Hey. It’s me. You see the video?
Does Whit Wiggins ride the Hershey Highway?
Fucking UNREAL. Who do you think shot it?
Hell if I know. We gotta find out.
It’s fucking GENIUS.
Hold on. My other line --
I need to jingle the bitches.
Give ‘em a lick for me.
(pushes a button)
INT. BERT’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Brought to you by the color ‘messy.’
Bert and Whit sit on his bed
with textbooks and a big pizza.
Whit stares at his tablet computer,
shaking his head. Grinning.
(on his cell phone)
It’s Bert. You see the video?
Yeah. Fuckin’ UNBELIEVABLE.
Who knew Ready could go FULL-RETARD?
I KNOW. Me and Whit watched it five times.
Fuck-head got his ASS glued
to the fucking TOILET SEAT.
You and Whit?
Yeah. He’s helping me with that English paper.
You sure that’s ALL he’s helping you with?
Fuck you. I bought the pizza.
If I don’t pass English, I don’t graduate,
and NO football scholarship.
Just sayin’ --
Go FUCK yourself. Asshole.
Chill, bromantic comedy.
Just yanking your chain-male.
Hey. What’s that I hear in the background?