Quite The Dish

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of THE HEISTERS, career criminal Kelsey Hazard pays a visit to the home of homicide detective Mart Volok to get the names of dead boy toy Jackie Tempel's female associates, but when Mart isn't forthcoming, she puts the screws on him ...


INT. STUDY - NIGHT
A manly room with shelves of books
and a big desk.

Ambience heavy and quiet.
Photos of cops on the walls.

Awards. Trophies. Plaques.
Rifles bolted to the wall on a rack.

Mart sits behind the desk.
Kelsey in a chair in front of it.

MART
So what do you want?
You didn’t come to my home
just to tell me you didn’t do it.

KELSEY
I want names --

MART
Names?
What names?

KELSEY
Jackie Tempel’s female associates.

MART
And why would I do that?

KELSEY
Because I could help you.

MART
And why would you do that?

KELSEY
Whoever killed him
has something of mine.
And I want it back.

MART
Would that have anything to do
with the semi-automatic weapons
the officers found?
(off her stare)
I can’t figure you out.
You come here, ask ME questions,
and then have the nerve to ask me
to give you information.
Why would I do that?

KELSEY
I dunno.
You’re a good guy?
You wanna see justice done?

MART
Look.
I know you didn’t kill him, okay?
The timing of when the call
was made to us was doesn’t fit.
And the story about going
to the corner store checked out.
(beat)
My gut tells me you’re dirty.
What’s the story with the guns?
Were you in on that heist
at the rock concert?

KELSEY
Heist?
At a rock concert?

Pause.

MART
What’s your name?

KELSEY
Jane.
Jane Doe.

MART
Okay -- Jane Doe.
I’m investigating a murder,
NOT a robbery.
But in order to keep my perp
from flying the coop,
I’ve let the media concentrate
on the search for you.
But I’m not searching
for you, Robbery is.
They figure you were in on it,
given the weapons in the closet.

KELSEY
Did it ever occur to you
that the guns were Jackie’s?

MART
That punk?
He was a low-level errand boy,
not a hard-bitten pro like you.
From where I sit,
you reek of heister.

KELSEY
I want names.

MART
You’ve got to be
fucking kidding me.

KELSEY
You’ve got nothing.
No suspects for the murder,
OR the robbery.
Give me the names and maybe
I can stir things up a little.

MART
You mean FUCK
things up a little --

Pause.

KELSEY
I bet your wife was
quite the dish back in the day.

MART
What the fuck --

KELSEY
(hisses, sharp)
But I guess after having the kids,
her figure kinda went to mush, huh?

MART
Now, LISTEN --

KELSEY
NO.
You listen to ME.
You think I came here ALONE?
(off his shocked look)
Give me the fucking NAMES.

MART
From the bulges in your jacket
I can tell you’re carrying
at least two weapons.

KELSEY
And from the bulge in your gut
I can tell you can’t do two sit-ups.

MART
I have a gun holstered on my hip.
From that position,
I’m the fastest draw on the force.

KELSEY
Must be nice to come home
to a home-cooked meal every night.
Bet you even read to the kids
before bedtime.

MART
Don’t you DARE threaten my family --

KELSEY
I want the fucking NAMES.
(quietly)
And then when I get what I want,
what was TAKEN from me --
I deliver them to you
on a silver platter.
With a nice, big bow.

MART
Do you really expect me to --

KELSEY
I bet she makes really good
mashed potatoes --

Pause.

MART
Okay.
You win.
This round.

He opens up a notebook on the desk.
Pulls off a blank piece of paper.

Turns to a page.
Looks at it.

Grabs a pencil.
Starts writing --

MART
But know this.
All of these people
are under surveillance,
and if you get within
fifty feet of them,
you’re gonna be behind bars
so fast your head will spin.
GOT it?

Kelsey watches him.
Smiles like a cat.

KELSEY
Well, I hope at least
I’ll have time for desert --