Dead Weight

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of THE HEISTERS, the robbery commences when Kelsey and the gang overpowers the staff in the stadium money room, but then have an unpleasant surprise when they have to tangle with the security guards ...


INT. FINANCE OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK
Kelsey and Chick stand near
the front window. Watching.

Ludo and Ronan are on either side
of the door holding Uzis.

KELSEY
Here comes two of ‘em.
A guy and a girl --

CHICK
Jeez.
Check out the cans on THAT heifer.
(beat)
Sorry --

Everyone is quiet. Listening.
We hear a key JIGGLING in the door.

It OPENS, and in walk a
NERDY GUY (20’s) and a FAT CHICK (30’s).

Ludo and Ronan POKE them
with their Uzis.

LUDO
Make a sound and you’re shredded wheat,
got it?

RONAN
Into the storage room. MARCH.

Nerdy and Fat look at each other.
Freaked.

They nod, look down,
and start walking.

Ronan follows them.
Ludo takes position at the door again.
Kelsey joins him.

CHICK
Here comes one of the guards.
(beat)
Careful.
This guy is BIG.

Footsteps POUND-POUND-POUND
outside the door. It OPENS.

In walks a THREE-HUNDRED POUND MONSTER.
I mean, this guy is BIG.

The love child of Refrigerator Perry
and Oprah.

Ludo points his Uzi at Monster Guard.
Takes a step back.

LUDO
Don’t move.
Stay right where you are.

MONSTER GUARD
Fuck YOU.

Quick as lightning, he reaches out and
SWATS the gun out of Ludo’s hand.

GRABS him around the throat
with his meaty paws.

MONSTER GUARD
Nobody gonna rob MY office --

Kelsey RACES over.
PISTOL-WHIPS him on the head
with her gun.

But it does no good.
He blinks.

Keeps squeezing Ludo’s throat,
who’s face is now turning bright red.

Kelsey pulls out a silencer.
Screws it on her gun --

Just as Chick walks up and CRACKS
a folding chair over his head, BANG.

Monster lets go of Ludo.
Takes a step back,
weaves a little,
then falls over,
hits the floor with a THUD.

KELSEY
The bigger they are --

CHICK
The harder you have to smash’ em
over the head.

LUDO
(rubbing his neck)
I actually starting seeing stars,
like in the cartoons --

KELSEY
(to Chick)
C’mon, help me drag him
into the storage room.

They each take an ankle.
Give him a YANK.

But he won’t budge.
Ludo looks at them. Smiles.

LUDO
Let me do it.
I could bench press that fat fuck.

Kelsey and Chick step back.
Ludo GRABS his ankles.

Starts pulling him across the floor
to the back.

CHICK
Impressive.

KELSEY
That’s what I call 'dead weight.'

The door CLICKS.

Kelsey leans down,
picks up Ludo’s Uzi.

Takes aim.
It OPENS.

THREE GUARDS file in,
holding Starbucks.

CHICK
(waves his gun)
Stop right there, fellas.

KELSEY
Reach for your piece,
and it’s lights out,
right in the mochachino.

SURLY GUARD
(GRABS his piece)
What the FUCK?

CHICK
You heard the lady.
Get your hand OFF THE GUN.

ANGRY GUARD
(hand on his piece)
But there’s three of us,
and two of you.

CHICK
That may be,
but this semi-automatic weapon
will turn you into Swiss cheese
faster than you can say ‘Mall Cop.’

SURLY GUARD
HEY.
There’s no need to be NASTY.

RONAN (O.C.)
If you don’t get your asses over here
in two seconds --

Reveal RONAN.
Ten feet away.
Pointing HIS Uzi at them.

RONAN
Nasty is just the BEGINNING.

WIMPY GUARD
C’mon, guys.
These people man BUSINESS.
It’s not worth DYING for --

Surly and Angry take their
hands off their guns. Sigh.

All three start walking
toward the back.

CHICK
(looks at Kelsey)
I almost had a coronary --

KELSEY
No time for that.
Take a deep breath.
We still have four more employees
on the way.

CHICK
Don’t worry.
Figure of speech.

KELSEY
Great work with the chair,
by the way.

CHICK
Thanks.
I was trained by the best.

KELSEY
Army?
Marines?

CHICK
Nah.
Parents had eight kids --