Easy Pickings

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In Chapter 6 of THE HEISTERS, we flash back to earlier in our story ... where Kelsey meets her fellow heisters and starts planning the robbery ...


EXT. SURF MOTOR COURT MOTEL - DAY - FLASHBACK
A crusty, old ramshackle affair
just off PCH facing the ocean.

A row of tiny, shitty cabins
on each side of the office.

A sign blinks ‘No V can y’
in pale pink neon.

Kelsey’s beater pulls into
the gravel lot with a CRUNCH.

She parks. Gets out.
Walks over to the office.

INT. SURF MOTOR COURT MOTEL - OFFICE - DAY
A dump. A small fan tries to
push around the fetid air.

The GROTESQUE CLERK,
the white version of Precious,
looks up from her National Enquirer.
Shoves a Pringle’s in her gaping maw.

GROTESQUE CLERK
(shaking her head, munching)
Sorry. All full up --

KELSEY
I don’t need a room.
I’m looking for John Smith’s cabin.

GROTESQUE CLERK
(makes a face)
Another one, huh?
(off her nod)
Cabin ten.
On the right, at the end.

Kelsey nods. Leaves.
Grotesque watches her go.

GROTESQUE CLERK
Guess dey’re not queers, den --

EXT. MOTOR COURT CABIN - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
A faded, peeling, shitty,
tiny little ‘vacation’ home.

Kelsey walks up to the door.
KNOCK-KNOCKS on it. It OPENS.

Ronan Kenny stands there holding a beer.
Big smile.

RONAN
Come on in and pull up a log.

INT. MOTOR COURT CABIN - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
A tiny, cramped space,
dark with the shades drawn.

Kelsey follows Ronan in.
Eyes squinting.
Adjusting to the light.

Ronan looks at two MEN
sitting at a small table.

RONAN
Guys, this is Kelsey.
Kelsey Hazard.

KELSEY
(nods)
Gentlemen --
A large ITALIAN GUY (40’s)
gives her the once-over.

ITALIAN GUY
You said she was a pro,
but you didn’t tell me
she was fuckin’ HOT.

Meet LUDO DELUCA, failed restauranteur.
Expert chef. Not so expert at business.

Double chin and a belly.
Salt and pepper.

But good-looking,
in that mobster-looking kinda way.

KELSEY
(to Ronan, deadpan)
And you didn’t tell me
Pauley Walnuts was gonna be here.

A small, thin JEWISH GUY (50’s)
chuckles softly.

JEWISH GUY
Oy. And she’s a comedian.

Meet CHICK ABER, smooth-talking
pro heister from way back.

Dapper. Smart. With more than
a little of the Borscht Belt in him.

Smoking a cigar.
Eyes crinkled with mischief.

RONAN
(to Kelsey)
The goombah-goodfella on the left
is Ludo DeLuca, and the cheap,
Jew-bastard on the right here
is Chick Aber.

CHICK
'Jew-bastard?'
If my parents could hear you now,
rest their souls.

LUDO
Don’t listen to him.
I come from a family of restauranteurs,
NOT wiseguys --

Kelsey nods slowly.
Appraising them.
Sits on the bed.

KELSEY
Gentlemen --

Ronan walks over to her.
Hands her a bottle of beer.

KELSEY
Thanks.
So tell me about the job.

He smiles.
Leans against the kitchenette counter.

Takes a pull off his longneck.
Wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

RONAN
It’s a sweet job.
Easy pickings.
Low risk.

LUDO
It’s a rock concert --

CHICK
A charity event --

RONAN
At UCLA.
The Rose Bowl.

KELSEY
You want to knock off The Rose Bowl --

RONAN
It’s a cinch.
I worked security there.
I know the layout --
the box office, security,
the whole shebang.

KELSEY
But aren’t seats for that kinda thing
sold on Ticketmaster? Online?

RONAN
Usually, yes.
But not this one.
It’s a special benefit for disaster relief.
The tickets are bought on-site, that day.

KELSEY
Which disaster?

RONAN
That uh, earthquake thing.

KELSEY
You’re planning on ripping off
a CHARITY FUND-RAISER?

RONAN
Well, they’ve already raised
a billion dollars,
who’s gonna miss a million?

Kelsey sips her beer.

KELSEY
A million?
That’s a big score --
(beat)
Anybody asking ace shares?

LUDO
Nope. Equal split,
right down the middle.

KELSEY
Who’s bankrolling it?

RONAN
I am.
The job’s THAT good.

KELSEY
That’s very generous of you.

RONAN
I’m a generous guy.

Kelsey looks at him.
Narrows her eyes.

KELSEY
How many people on the job?

RONAN
We figure two more.
Muscle. Drivers.
So that’s six.

She nods slowly. Thinking.

RONAN
So whaddaya think?

KELSEY
What makes it low-risk?

RONAN
Well, we gotta way in.
We just need to take care of
the traffic jam afterwards
so we can get out.
There’s always a traffic jam
at these things.

KELSEY
How do we get in?

RONAN
The box office is old-school.
It’s got a gate.
You climb up over it
and get in.
Piece a cake.

KELSEY
So we just walk up
to the box office --

RONAN
No, no, no.
Here’s the beauty part.
We go in the night before.
Then wait until the morning.
The box office opens at seven,
and the concert starts at nine.
It’s one of those all-day things.
You know, like a festival.

KELSEY
I see --

RONAN
We just need help figuring out
the exit strategy.

Kelsey sips her beer.
Leans back against the pillow.

Closes her eyes.
A clock TICK-TICK-TICKS.

Everybody watches her. Thinking.
She opens them. Sits up.

KELSEY
Ambulance.
We rig up a fake one
and rescue somebody.

Ronan, Ludo and Chick
exchange glances.
Big smiles.

CHICK
The woman is a GENIUS.

KELSEY
Hey.
Why do you think I
make the big bucks?