The Way Of The Cunt

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of LEGS, Episode 2, Carrie and Bernie search Israeli crime boss Nuri Hadar's condo for clues about his whereabouts ... while Carrie's girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang causes a ruckus at the local Ritz Carlton. Meanwhile, Nuri and his sons make their plans for revenge at their Venice Beach safe house.


INT. NURI’S CONDO - FRONT DOOR - DAY
Bernie and a pair of UNIFORMED OFFICERS
carrying shotguns stand nearby.

Carrie and Megan stand back
near the entrance to the stairs.

Bernie POUNDS on the door.

BERNIE
POLICE.
Open the door or we’re COMING IN.

Silence. One of the uniforms,
a tall, hulking brute, looks at Bernie.
He nods.

Hulking steps back and KICKS the door in.
They all RUSH IN --

INT. NURI’S CONDO - LIVING ROOM - DAY
To find it empty.
Bernie nods at the uniforms.

BERNIE
Go check the bedrooms.

CARRIE
I’ll show you the closet
where we were tied up.
Our DNA’s gotta be all over the place.
(off his look)
God, you’ve got a dirty mind.

INT. RITZ CARLTON HOTEL - BAR - DAY
A JAZZ TRIO (40’s) plays in the corner over --
Very plush, with understated elegance.

A smattering of HOTEL GUESTS and RICH LOCALS
enjoy their liquid lunch.

Laura takes a seat at the end,
away from the BARTENDER (20’s)
a preppy Tommy Hilfiger wannabe
in khakis and polo shirt.

She checks her watch.
Scans the crowd for her ‘date.’

In the background we see Officious Valet
and the STUFFY HOTEL MANAGER (40’s).

Officious points at her.
Stuffy nods.

Laura leans forward,
tries to get Preppy’s attention,
but he’s chatting up a
tipsy COUGAR DIVORCEE (40’s).

Laura waves at him,
trying to get his attention.

Preppy sees her out of
the corner of his eye.
Ignores her.

LAURA
Who do I haveta blow to
getta fucking DRINK around here?

The hushed conversations stop.
The band looks, keeps playing.

BARTENDER
Excuse me?

LAURA
Excuse yourself.
Just get Cat On A Hot Tin Roof’s
phone number and bring me a COCKTAIL, darling.
My cooch is so parched it could
give the Sahara a run for it’s money.

An OLDER COUPLE (60’s) near her look.
It’s obvious from the way the HUSBAND
is staring that he recognizes her.

LAURA
(to the wife)
Looks like your hubby’s a big fan.
(off her look, to him)
So what’s your favorite film of mine?
'The Way Of The Cunt?'
'Jungle Beaver? '
'The Color of Runny?'

Their grey faces turn red.
They get up and shuffle away.
Preppy glides over to her.

PREPPY BARTENDER
Could you keep it down, please?
You’re starting to bother our guests.

LAURA
'Starting to bother?'
(off his look)
I’ll have a Jack and Coke,
heavy on the Jack,
light on the Coke.

EXT. VENICE BEACH HOUSE - DAY
A classic, old, weathered-looking big house
nestled between two giant, gleaming condos
right on the sand.

It’s surrounded by giant hedges and trees
taller than the joint that makes the
tiny yard around it shadowy and dark --

and very private.
INT. VENICE BEACH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Large and airy, with a great view of the ocean.

YAGO HADAR (20’s) sits
on the couch working a laptop.

He resembles the family,
except his hair is bleached blonde
and he’s dressed ‘early surfer.’

Nuri, Tal and Leron walk into the room.

YAGO
What are you doing here?

TAL
Is safe house, what do you think?

LERON
Sorry to disturb social networking.

NURI
After what you did to this family,
you’re lucky to be living ANYWHERE.
Last time I looked, I paid the bills --
and YOU get to shack up for free
and keep eye on joint.

TAL
And keep refrigerator stocked.

He heads off toward the kitchen.

YAGO
So -- what happened?

NURI
Marnie -- is causing problem.

YAGO
Gee, I wonder why.
It’s not like you keep her
locked up like a veal --

Nuri walks over, KICKS
the laptop off the coffee table.

It HITS the wall with a CRACK.
CRASHES to the floor, BANG.

YAGO
HEY.

NURI
Don’t HEY me, you fucking goldbrick.
I BOUGHT it, I can BREAK it.

YAGO
How am I supposed to finish
my online massage therapist exam?

NURI
'Massage therapist exam?'
I didn’t raise you
to become fucking FRUIT.

YAGO
I thought you wanted me
to find a job.

NURI
Only because you won’t join
FAMILY BUSINESS.

Tal comes back in.

TAL
Hey, pop.
Cupboard is bare.
(to Yago)
What’s up with that?

Leron points at the bong
on the coffee table.

LERON
Looks like Jeff Spicoli
spent his allowance on
four-twenty instead of FOOD.

NURI
Jeff Spicoli?

LERON
You haven’t seen
Fast Times At Ridgemont High?
Sean Penn plays stoner,
is funny like heart attack.
Is also notable for VERY
sexy scene with
Phoebe Cates in bikini.

He makes a jerking off motion
with his hand.

Nuri shoots him a look, disgusted.
Pulls out his wallet.

Hands Yago a fistful of cash.
Points at the door.

NURI
Go. Now.
Get some food.
Good stuff.
Whole Foods, like that.
And get wine, liquor.
And ice. Lots of ice.

YAGO
Yeah, sure. Okay.
(carefully)
My car is low on gas?

Nuri sighs.
Pulls out his keys.
TOSSES them to him.

NURI
Take the Rolls.
But if you get ONE SCRATCH on it,
I send you to kibbutz, GOT IT?

YAGO
Got it. I’ll be careful, pop.
Promise.

He slinks away.
Nuri looks at Tal and Leron.
Shakes his head.

NURI
Is embarrassment to crime family.
Thank god I have you boys.

LERON
Maybe he’ll come around someday.

NURI
When Gaza Strip freezes over.
(beat)
Okay.
We need to come up with plan
on how to find Marnie.
Any ideas?

LERON
I can start checking on all her friends.
Maybe one of them knows something.

NURI
How you propose doing that?

LERON
On Friendbook.
I’m on there as ‘Misty,’
one of her friends,
You should SEE party photos
she posts.

NURI
Excellent --
(makes a face)
But spare me details.

TAL
I’m gonna pay visit
to that private detective she hired --
and MAKE her tell me where she is.