The Family Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dick Carrie Love goes into the belly of the beast when she confronts teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty, who's holding hostages at the Bargain Clown Mart on Hollywood Boulevard ...


INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Carrie walks through the front door,
hands in the air.

CARRIE
I’m not carrying.
Let the girl go.
We can make a deal.

SPARKLE
There she is -- lookin’ good, Missy.
But where’s the hunka-hunka burnin’ cop-muffin?

CARRIE
He’s on his way.
So let’s just calm down.

Sparkle walks over, pats her down.
Gets to Carrie’s hemline.

CARRIE
That’s a restricted area.
I don’t do the casual thing these days.

The killer’s hand disappears up inside.

CARRIE
No wonder you’re killing all your suitors --
you’re one of the ten percent.

Sparkle whips her hand out.
CLICK-CLICKS-CLICKS her weapon.

SPARKLE
'Let’s Make A Deal,' huh?
Wanna play 'The Family Fuck?'
'Who wants to be a dead fuck?'
How ‘bout 'The Wheel of Misfortune?'
Huh? Wanna take a spin?

The vixen swings her Uzis
in the direction of Madrid.

SPARKLE
Don’t shoot, or the nigger gets it.

Pause.

CARRIE
BLAZING SADDLES.

SPARKLE
I’m rilly, rilly impressed.
(beat)
'Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be okay.
I’m your biggest fan.'

CARRIE
MISERY.
Cathy Bates makes James Cahn pee his Hilfigers.

SPARKLE
Ohimgod.
Fuck me with a blowtorch.
Pull my anal beads.
You’re really good.
You might just have to live.
(beat)
'Envy. My sin was envy.'

CARRIE
Take a powder, kid. SEVEN.
Kevin Spacey, the scene where he’s got
little Gwynie Paltrow’s head in a box.
Kid stuff. That’s the best you can do?
(pissed off)
'Go ahead, ask yourself, punk --
do you feel lucky?'

CARRIE
You’re kidding me, right?
I thought you’d be gettin’ obscure on me.
That’s my boy, Clint, DIRTY HARRY.
Reason I joined the force, little girl.

Sparkle SNAPS.

SPARKLE
Don’t call me LITTLE GIRL.
I’m NOT a little girl.

CARRIE
Ooh. Looks like I hit a nerve.

SPARKLE
Shut up! You’re ruining it!
This is my movie!
This is my shining moment in the sun --
my climax -- my audience award-winning --

Carrie WHIPS a sliver of a gun
out from under her skirt.

CARRIE
Cut the crap, little girl.
I’m on to you.
You’re nothing but a two-bit,
dime store floozy with
a couple of semiautomatic weapons.
You don’t fucking scare me.
I’ve been looking death in the face
longer than you’ve needed tampons.
So go ahead, shoot --
c’mon, hit me with your best shot.

A pin drops.

SPARKLE
No. Not yet.
Get a news crew in here. Now.
Or else silver spoon in her snatch
gets it where Daddy does it to her.

MADRID
Hey!

SPARKLE
Shut up!

She EXPLODES in a fusillade of bullets --
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

SPARKLE
You heard me, now!
Unless the action fucking news
is in here in ONE MINUTE --
the heiress gets her rack frappéd
in a 45 caliber blender.

CARRIE’S
eyes flicker. A brainstorm.

CARRIE
Then let me go get one.

SPARKLE
Okay -- march, copper.
Bring me the media.
(beat)
But if you try any funny stuff,
it’s curtains, see?
You try and double-cross me,
and it’s boom, boom, boom,
out go the lights --
everybody have fun tonight,
everybody Wang Chung tonight.

Carrie turns to go. Stops.
Looks back.

CARRIE
You really gotta get out more often --