I Love The Smell Of Napalm

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine search teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's apartment and find out where she is ... at the Bargain Clown Mart on Hollywood Boulevard, where she just started shooting up the place ...


INT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
Skinny leads Keko and Valentine down a hallway.

SKINNY MAN
She is a bit odd --
but she always pays her rent on time.
Sometimes early. Real cute.
Looks like Britney.
Has a lot of visitors.
If only I could get that kinda action --

They get to her door.
Skinny fishes out his master key.

SKINNY MAN
(tries to open the door)
Fucking cunt must’ve changed the lock.

KEKO
(looks at Valentine)
I’ve got an idea --

VALENTINE
One, two --

And they KICK DOWN the door -- BANG.

SKINNY MAN
Hey!

KEKO
(hands him his card)
City will pay for it --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Keko, Valentine and Skinny regard the decor.

SKINNY MAN
Ooo. I LOVE what she’s done to the place.
Gotta real queer eye --

KEKO
(to Skinny)
Would you mind leaving us alone for a bit?
Might turn out to be a crime scene.

SKINNY MAN
(goes to the door)
I’ll go make some coffee.

And he leaves.

VALENTINE
I think he likes you.

KEKO
Fuck you.
(looks around)
It looks like that guy’s place
who was caught jerking off in a movie theater.

They start searching the joint.

VALENTINE
Pee-Wee Herman.
Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Loved that show.
Did you know that Cowboy Curtis
was played by a very young Lawrence Fishburn?
(does impression)
I know you are, but what am I? ARRRRGHH!
(beat)
Most people don’t realize that Paul Reubens
is a gifted comic actor who created
a vast array of hilarious characters,
but was unfortunately typecast as Pee-Wee.

KEKO
And you’re going to be typecast
as an asshole who won’t shut the fuck --
(beat)
Hey, check it out.

He points at Sparkle’s pink I-Mac.
On the screen:

TO DO:
Clean weapons.
Shower and change.
Fill the tank.
Take Clown Mart Hostage.
(Arrive at ‘magic hour’ for best coverage.)
Reunite Carrie and Bernie.
Kill them.

KEKO AND VALENTINE
stare at the monitor.

KEKO (CONT'D)
What the fuck is the ‘Clown Mart?’

VALENTINE
Discount store on Hollywood Boulevard.

KEKO
Then let’s go shopping.
Time for the blue light special --

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CHECK OUT REGISTER - MOMENTS LATER
Sparkle stands on the counter top.

With enough firepower
to clog Joel Silver’s arteries.

SPARKLE
Mr. and Mrs. America, and all ships at c-word --
citizens, lend me your fucking ears.
You’re gonna give me what I want,
or I’m gonna starting killing you.
One at a time. Slowly. Painfully.
(beat)
We’re gonna have a lotta fun.

SCARED CASHIER
Please don’t kill me. Please. Take anything.
What do you want? Money? Take the money,
we don’t fucking care, it’s not our money,
take the fuckin’ money!

SPARKLE
I don’t want your fucking money.

STORE MANAGER
Then what do you want?
Just tell us.

SPARKLE
I want you to --
(Pacino as SCARFACE)
Say hello to my ‘lil fren.

She points twin pink Uzis at the hostages.
They start CRYING, SCREAMING.

SPARKLE’S
eyes flutter. Scrunch close.
Major chemistry kicking in.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
I love the -- smell of napalm --

SCARED WOMAN
Grab her, quick!
She’s on something!
She --

Sparkle’s eyes FLASH open.
The madwoman LOSES IT.

SPARKLE
No! That’s a Bozo no-no!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Bodies HIT the ground with a
WHUMP, THWAP, WUMP, WUMP, WUMP.

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Glass SPRAYS, BREAKS, SMASHES, TINKLES -- CRASHES.

Silence. She smiles a nasty pout.

THE CARNAGE
is complete, total devastation.
Bodies. Blood. Debris.

Except for a PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN (18),
propped up against a wall.

She leans forward, bleeding, confused.
In shock.

CLOSE ON --
A gold necklace on her throat.

Tiny gold-lettered spray of diamonds reads 'Madrid.'
The women stare at each other, searching for --

SPARKLE
Hey. Aren’t you --

MADRID
My father’s gonna have your head
on a pinstripe platter.
Do you realize who the FUCK --

SPARKLE
Of course, bitch, you’re Madrid Marriot,
I love you! You fuckin’ rule!
I love your show!
You still coming out with that
fab line of super-cool tote bags?

MADRID
They’re not fucking TOTES.
They’re rebuilt vintage English saddle bags.
(beat)
Please don’t kill me.
I’m throwing a benefit tonight.

Sparkle lowers her guns.

SPARKLE
Are you kidding?
You’re my hostage, cutie.
You’re gonna be my Patty Hearst.
We’re gonna make herstory.
(beat)
What’s the charity?

MADRID
(startled)
Uh -- COMP.

SPARKLE
What, free tickets?
Hotel rooms?
Vegas slicksters on a binge?

MADRID
It’s for -- Children of Murdered Parents.

PUSH IN ON Sparkle. Delighted.

SPARKLE
Then whadya say we make
a charitable contribution, hot stuff?