Pussy Patrol

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

I've been doing this blog for almost five years now. Hard to believe. Over the last year or so you might have noticed that I've been posting some of my older work instead of what I've been writing recently. The reason for this is the theme of the blog is hardboiled/pulp/noir/crime stories, and sometimes I write something that doesn't fit into one of those categories, so I don't post it -- like FILLMORE, a biopic about the blues musician Fillmore Slim that goes into production later this year -- or THE PROPHESY OF RECKCONING, a LORD OF THE RINGS/GAME OF THRONES kinda fantasy epic. Also, the thinking was that some of you are new to the blog, so why not post something again from a couple of years ago?

Well, today I'm please to unveil a brand-new story. I wrote the short film B-GIRLS with a view to raising the money to direct it myself, then expand it into a feature. The template for this was the short film D.E.B.S., which won a bunch of awards, then became a fairly successful cult hit after a feature version was shot. So, without further adieu, get ready for the ride of your life ...

In Chapter 1 of B-GIRLS, we meet stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer, who have all been invited to a 'private party' at Friendbook found Randy Mandeltort's joint. The problem is, he's a flaming asshole ... but when the girls find out they're being paid 100k to attend, they throw caution to the wind and get their butts in gear ...


EXT. SPEARMINT RHINO STRIP CLUB - DAY
A giant complex
on the outskirts of LA.

A few cars dot the parking lot
on a weekday.

A DRUNK PATRON
pukes on the cement.

INT. SPEARMINT RHINO STRIP CLUB - DRESSING ROOM - DAY
A gaggle of STRIPPERS sit at their mirrors,
fixing their hair, their faces, their outfits.

LEXUS COLE (20), a blonde
with a killer rack does her lips.

Blots them with a tissue.
Checks herself out in the mirror.

Narrows her eyes.

LEXUS
(to the girl next to her)
Does this lipstick
makes me look fat?

Her smartphone VIBRATES.
She grabs it eagerly.
Sees a text.

LEXUS
(reads it out loud)
Private party -- in the hills --
(reads)
I get paid a hundred-thou?
I’m SO there.
(thinks)
Randy Mandletort?
The guy that started FRIENDBOOK?

EXT. MARINA DOCK - PRIVATE YACHT - DAY
A GIANT YACHT gleams in the sunlight
on a bright, blue day.

EXT. PRIVATE YACHT - REAR DECK - DAY
SENATOR COTTON (50’s) tall, grey-haired,
distinguished-looking sits in the jacuzzi
sipping a glass of champagne.

SENATOR COTTON
Must you go so soon?

BLING STEVENS (20’s),
a tall, brunette high-class call girl
with a heart of black
pulls on her boots, eyes him.

BLING
‘So soon?’
You’ve enjoyed ‘the girlfriend experience’
for three days.
Gal’s gotta get out.
Mingle. Air out her pussy.

SENATOR COTTON
A private party, you say?
Maybe I could tag along.

BLING
Randy Mandletort’s the host.
Still wanna go?

SENATOR COTTON
That asshole? Fuck that.
Why are you going?

BLING
I’m getting paid a hundred-k.
And for that, I’ll
poke his ‘like’ button.

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A surprising large soundstage
somewhere deep in the Valley.

A MAN (30’s) and a WOMAN (20’s)
are making love on a culinary island
on a surprising good kitchen set.

FEMALE PORN STAR
C’mon, baby -- stuff my turkey,
saute my giblets,
butter my BUNS --
give it to me on a SKEWER.

Meet porn goddess NEENA JAMMER (25),
petite, natural-breasted, natural redhead.
Stunning. Sexy. Natural.

MALE PORN STAR
Prepare to feast on THE IRON CHEF.

Neena’s cell phone RINGS.
She grabs it. Looks. Smiles.

Male Porn Star stops pumping.
Makes a face.

NEENA
(into the phone)
Roberto. What’s up?

DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Cut, cut, goddammit to FUCK, Neena.
We’re in the middle of a SCENE.

NEENA
It’s my agent. Hold on.
(listens, then)
A hundred-grand?
Just to go to a PARTY?
(listens)
Oh. HIM? I dunno --
(listen)
Lexus and Bling are going?
Why didn’t you say so?
Tell ‘em I’m coming.
(laughs)
Pun intended --