Shoplifters Of The World Unite

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine track down teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's hideout on Hollywood Boulevard. Meanwhile, just down the street, Sparkle begins her assault on the Bargain Clown Mart by terrorizing 'smart shoppers' ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
Bernie’s SUV slows, slides into a parking space
in front of a row of storefronts.

The detectives get out.
Walk to a doorway.

Faint club music THUMP-THUMPS
from within.

VALENTINE
It’s the right address.

KEKO
This is a book store.

VALENTINE
Yeah, but check out
the tweaker tunes.
Fits the profile.

Jesus flings his banana peel
onto the sidewalk.

KEKO
Hey.
Someone could slip and fall on that.

VALENTINE
Just like in the cartoons, man.

KEKO
(rings the buzzer)
We’ve checked every
fucking club in Boy’s Town.
I’m starting to feel
guilty by ass-sociation.
Whattaya say if this isn’t it,
we go snag a burger?

VALENTINE
How about -- pizza?

KEKO
(rings again)
The pork thing?

VALENTINE
(shrugs)
Hey.
We’re the pigs.

The door OPENS.
A small, skinny MAN appears.
Boyish in jeans and striped
sleeveless-T.

Perfect, cropped beard.

SKINNY MAN
I’m sorry.
We’re closed on Mondays.

KEKO
(flashes his badge)
Detectives Keko and Valentine.
Can we have a moment of your time?

SKINNY MAN
(eyes flashing)
Honey, you can have more than that.

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - DUSK
The trippy, pretty drone of Morrissey’s
SHOPLIFTERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE.

A warehouse full of cheap,
giant-sized foodstuffs.

'Topsy the Clown' proclaims
TRIPLE COUPON’S SUNDAY.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
The too-brightly lit bottom rung
of retail crap is fairly bustling
with low-rent, food stamp SHOPPERS.

A raggedy, eye-liner smeared EMO KID
grabs a container of FROSTY-WHIP,
and SHOOONK-SHOOONK,
SNORTS it up his nose --

Crumples to the floor, rushing --
white cream on his face.

IN ANOTHER AISLE
a FAT WOMAN picks up a
gallon-sized jar of Cheese Wizzard.

Looks around.
Screws it open.
Dips a finger, tastes. Mmm.

Suddenly -- POP -- and a bullet
CRACKS into the side,
sending it to the floor
with a CRASH.

FAT WOMAN
What the fuck?

AT THE OTHER END OF THE AISLE
is SPARKLE.
Brandishing a pair of pink Uzis.

SPARKLE
Hey, there -- hefty hideaway,
c’mon and join the party.
You like animal balloons? --
cause I’m gonna
tie you up in knots.

THE FAT WOMAN
freezes in her tracks.

SPARKLE
Yo, chubbo.
Got some angry clowns
wanna have a word with you.