Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 30 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, newly-reinstated homicide detective Carrie Love arrives at the Bargain Clown Mart to begin her showdown with teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty, who's holding the joint hostage ...
INT./EXT. CARRIE’S OLDS - PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DUSK
A postcard sunset.
Riot of red, orange and yellow
splashed across the sky, the water.
Carrie races up the coast
in a tunnel of palm trees.
This is the part where I have
my showdown with the beast.
Let me tell you a story.
I have a girlfriend who works at a movie studio.
And this mini-major had a big hit movie.
Made 150 million bucks.
It was one of those 'dumb' comedies.
Even had the word 'dumb' in the title.
So, when it comes time
to make the sequel, the suits --
She turns onto Sunset Boulevard.
Well, actually, they don’t wear suits anymore.
Every day is 'casual Friday' in show biz nowadays --
so let’s call them, 'business casuals.'
The Porsche races by the Beverly Hills Hotel.
So these business casuals come up
with this brilliant, 'creative' idea.
Let’s not use the original writer.
Since we’d kill to be able to come up
with an idea, something, anything,
a germ of something that might possibly resemble
an original thought in an alternate universe --
we’ll have some input.
Some ego-driven bastardization
of the creative process.
Carrie flies by the Cinerama Dome.
So now I feel like the fucking writer
who got fired from the very thing she created.
I got pink-slipped out of my life.
My girlfriend’s gone, fucked that up.
I lost my job, really fucked myself
in the ass with that one --
and I only got it back because
I’m being summoned to the climactic scene
by the villain --
The car turns left, heads North up La Brea.
Who in this case is the evil spawn
of Jon-Benet Ramsey risen from the dead,
hell-bent on shooting her own B-movie meltdown
in some kind of post-apocalyptic Hollywood Babylon.
Don’t drop your popcorn, kids --
cause the hero’s about to lose it.
She stops at a light.
Looks at herself in the rear view.
IN THE MIRROR
Carrie’s eyes burn.
They blink, flicker madly.
Her hand WHAP-WHAP-WHAP-WHAP-WHAPS
No! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
I will NOT be a passive protagonist!
Carrie JAMS on the horn --
HONK, HONK, HONK, HONNNKKK.
She TAKES OFF into the traffic --
EXT. CORNER OF HOLLYWOOD AND VINE - CONTINUOUS
Carrie’s silver coupe SCREECHES, fishtails right,
then jerks into a tiny parking lot.
CAMERA pulls back to reveal --
EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Three-dozen squad cars, news vans choke the parking lot.
Carrie stands behind yellow police tape with a bullhorn.
(Loud, over the speaker)
Alright, you Waco-wacko, Una-Bimbo,
Branch Dividian wannabe.
I’m here, I’m queer --
and I’m gonna fuck up
your technicolor, tinsletown world.
IN THE STORE
Sparkle snaps on a 'Mr. Karaoke'
with a squeal of feedback.
So glad you could make it to the show, Detective Love.
Or should I say, ex-detective Love.
Now you listen to me, Missy --
save your threats for someone who gives a fuck,
cause there’s a new sheriff in town.
And she’s gonna preempt your regular programming.
SPLIT SCREEN WITH:
THE PARKING LOT
Go ahead, kill the trust fund thigh-mistress --
like I could give a holy fuck!
INT. TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST - AT THE SAME TIME
BROCK BRADLEY and LINA DELGADO
sit at the 'Action News' desk.
-- When just moments ago, Homicide Chief
Larry Lipshitz reinstated Detective Carrie Love.
I know we’re not supposed give our opinion, Lina --
but I gotta say, I think there’s gonna be
a lot of controversy over this.
Give me a break, Brock.
She’s just reclaiming what’s hers.
Like the whispering wind off the desert of the heart,
Carrie Love is a postmodern heroine for a vacant world.
Ride the white horse, girlfriend.
Ride the white horse.
Well, look who’s the poet.
(touches earpiece, relieved)
We’ve just been given
a late-breaking bulletin. Skip?
EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Roving reporter SKIP WHITMAN, the red headed, almost-albino
man on the scene, squints into the CAMERA.
That’s right, Brock.
This is Skip Whitman,
man on the scene here on a
crisp, clear, starry night
here at the Bargain Clown Mart,
deep in the heart of
beautiful downtown Hollywood.
Very descriptive, Skip.
So what the heck’s going on?
Well, Brock, in a stunning reversal of fortune,
infamous former-Homicide Detective Carrie Love
has been yanked back onto the force --
and is right now inside the Bargain Clown Mart
having a showdown with the alleged killer,
who we’ve just learned
is a very attractive teenage girl.
The stunning former 'Little Miss Inland Empire'
only made one demand -
(touches her earpiece)
Holds that thought, Skip --
I’ve just been given another bulletin.
We’ve just learned that Carrie Love
is wearing a to-die-for
Gucci chocolate brown leather mini.
Brock turns, looks at her strangely.