Get Your Motor Running

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of GUN-WILD, former cop Rod Funk and wannabe gun girl Cam Clinch are joined by heisters Hondo Ruff and Annette Cargo, fresh off a mini-mart robbery ... now looking for a wheelman for their next bank job ...

EXT. ROD'S MALIBU BEACH SHACK - NIGHT
A voice SHOUTS at Rod in the dark.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
ROD. Where the fuck ARE you?

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Little dark for surfing, isn’t it?

LAUGHTER.
Two FIGURES appear on top of the rocks.

MALE FIGURE
THERE he is! Hey, Rod.
Where’s the party?

ROD
(looks)
HONDO.

Meet HONDO RUFF (29),
biker-suave in leathers and denim.

Giant black pompadour.
Red lizard boots.

Pretty, like a young Chris Walken.
With a menacing gleam in his eye.

Right now he’s carrying
a sawed-off shotgun in one hand,
and a bottle of champagne in the other.

HONDO
What the fuck you doing out here?
And who’s the frill?
(to Cam)
Better watch out for this one, doll --
the notches on his belt have notches.

ROD
What are you trying to do?
Scare off the catch of the day?

Hondo and the girl walk over to them.

HONDO
Not possible, brother.
(nods at the girl)
This here’s Net.

NET
Pleasure’s all yours.

Meet ANNETTE CARGO (25).
Six-feet of toned muscle
poured into an hourglass of leather.

Red lips curled in a brutal sneer.
She’s also got a bottle of Dom.
Takes a swig.

We now notice that they both
have blood on their clothes.
Quite a lot of it, in fact.

ROD
What did you kids do?
Slaughter a chicken?

HONDO
Asshole wouldn’t give me the combination.

NET
It was my fault.
(giggles)
Finger slipped.

Cam stares. Entranced.

NET
And who’s the little fishie?

CAM
I’m Cam.

HONDO
Grrrrr. Twin-cam engine.

NET
Get your motor running.

INT. ROD’S JOINT - A LITTLE LATER
The filthy, perverted pyschobilly of The Cramps’
GOO-GOO MUCK plays on the hi-fi.

A big living room.
Full Tiki bar.
Roaring fireplace.

With a fireman’s pole coming down
through the bedroom above.

Hondo’s changed into fresh leathers.
Net’s in a vinyl halter and miniskirt.

Everyone has cocktails.
And at this point,
is more than a little fucked up.

Net GRABS the brass pole.
Cam eyes her.

NET
Daddy warned me to stay off the pole.
(swings a leg around it)
Sorry, Pop.

HONDO
That’s not a stripper pole.

ROD
Previous owner was a fireman.

NET
Well, it’s a stripper pole NOW.

They watch Net dance to the music,
working the pole.

She slides, bumps and grinds like a pro.
Which she was.

ROD
Think she’s got a point.
(big hit of his drink)
So what went down tonight?

Hondo starts rolling a joint.

HONDO
We jacked the Thrif-T Mart
on the coast highway.
(licks the paper)
Kid said he couldn’t open the safe,
didn’t know the combination.
(lights up)
Then Miss Bada-Bing here got itchy.
Blew his fucking head clean off.

He inhales a big hit.
Passes it to Rod.
He takes a toke.

CAM
Holy shit.

NET
Don’t worry, honey.
We took out the security camera.
It’s between us and God.

HONDO
(to Rod)
We just needed a safe place to change,
crash for the night.

NET
Don’t forget the other thing.

HONDO
Oh, yeah.
(evil grin)
And we need a wheelman.

ROD
(another hit, passes it to Cam)
What’s the job?

He EXHALES.

HONDO
Cute little joint on Main Street.
The Fisherman’s First National Bank.
Cute, huh?

CAM
You’re going to rob a bank?

NET
Hell, yeah.
Only got a couple hundred
from the Bozo Mart.

HONDO
It’s either that -- or get a job.

Hondo and Net exchange glances,
then EXPLODE with LAUGHTER.

ROD
You’ve cased it?

HONDO
Hell, yeah.
It’s a little mom-and-pop fuck.
Two tellers. ONE camera.
Piece of cake.

NET
Smash and grab, baby.

She WHIRLS around, does a split.
And finishes her drink.

CAM
You need a fourth?

HONDO
YOU?

CAM
Yeah. Why not?

HONDO
Not sure I’m into
splitting the take four ways.

CAM
So I’ll do it for free.

HONDO
Well, now -- that’s quite an offer.
(beat)
Let me think about it.

He takes out a small leather bag
from his pocket.

Pulls out tin foil
and a little paper triangle.

Dumps some white powder on the foil.
Inserts a glass tube in his mouth.

NET
(comes over)
Oooh, goody -- Puff the Magic Dragon.

Hondo flicks his lighter under the foil.
The powder starts bubbling,
giving off white smoke.
He INHALES.

Net takes the tube.
Does a hit.

They both close their eyes.
Rocket off to another planet.

Rod goes over to Cam,
sits next to her on the couch.

ROD
So you wanna be a heister, huh?

CAM
Yeah.
(beat)
Think I’m crazy?

He leans over,
softly kisses her on the mouth.
Pulls back.

ROD
Nah. I’m kinda crazy, too --

Private Party

Happy X, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of GUN-WILD, sleazy former cop Rod Funk invites trigger-happy trust fund heiress Cam Clinch back to his Malibu beach shack for a drink ... and a little target practice ...


EXT. LA GUN CLUB - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Cam stands at her Rover.

Paper targets in her hand.
She unlocks the door, opens it.

ROD (O.C.)
Not bad for a beginner.

ROD
Stands a few feet away.
Hands in his long, leather coat.

ROD
I used to keep the targets, too.

She looks at him.
Then glances at the bullet holes.
Something flashes in her eyes.

CAM
For my scrapbook.

Rod pulls a Sig Sauer
out of his left pocket.

A bottle of Jack Daniels
from his right.

ROD
Thought maybe we could
continue the party.

CAM
'Continue the party.'

ROD
Back at my place on the beach. Malibu.
Gotta firing range and everything.

CAM
I’ll follow you.
(beat)
But I’m not spending the night.

ROD
Wouldn’t think of it.

CAM
Of course you’re thinking about it.
You’re a guy.

ROD
I’m cool.
Used to be a cop.
I’m safe.

CAM
Who said anything about 'safe?'

Pause.

ROD
Don’t worry. I bite.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH - ROD’S JOINT - NIGHT
Rod’s beach shack sits in the sand
near a rocky wall of dirt.

He leads Cam around the side.
They come to a formation
of rocks near the water.

CAM
Is this where you take your victims?

ROD
Only when they’re good.

He leads her over the rocks,
until they reach --

A protected COVE.
Rocks surrounding an inlet.

The waves CRASH behind them.
Water flows over their bare feet.

CAM
A secret hideaway.

ROD
This is where I come to think.
(beat)
And then forget.

He takes a swig of Jack.
Hands her the bottle.

ROD
Check it out.

Rod walks over to a
light switch on a post.
Flicks it on.

A floodlight SNAPS ON.
We see the outline of a
FIGURE scratched in the dirt.
Then spray-painted red.

Cam’s eyes flash.
She pulls out her piece.

FIRES at it -- BANG.
The bullet HITS the head.
A SPRAY of dirt FLIES OFF.

ROD
(ducks)
Hey!
What the FUCK are you doing?
You wanna kill me?

CAM
Chill out.
I didn’t hit you.

He walks over to her.
Takes the bottle. Swigs.

ROD
You’re crazy.

CAM
Gun crazy.

ROD
What’s with you and guns?

CAM
My whole life, I’ve
always felt --powerless.
(sticks it in her jeans)
Now I don’t.

ROD
Rough childhood?

CAM
You could say that.

ROD
(hands her the bottle)
Wanna tell me about it?

She takes a long, slow swig.
Wipes her mouth.

CAM
Gotta couple weeks?

Make My Day

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of GUN-WILD, having discovered that shooting guns turns her on, trust fund heiress Cam Clinch take her new toy to the Los Angeles Gun Club for a little foreplay ...


EXT. LOS ANGELES GUN CLUB - NIGHT
Plain brick building.
Red letters read LOS ANGELES GUN CLUB.

A cluster of shitty cars and trucks
litter the parking lot.

Cam’s Rover SCREECHES
to a stop in front.

INT. LOS ANGELES GUN CLUB - NIGHT
Cam strolls up to the registration counter.

A buzz cut, beefy CLERK eyes her appreciatively.
She SLAPS her gun down.

BEEFY CLERK
Evenin,’ miss.

CAM
Hey, there.
Okay if I use my own piece?

BEEFY CLERK
Sure thing.
If it’s registered to you.

CAM
It belongs to -- a friend of mine.

BEEFY CLERK
Then they’d have to be here, too.

CAM
I see.
(beat)
Guess I better rent one of yours.

BEEFY CLERK
Sure thing.

He moves to a display of guns under glass
further on down the counter.
Points to a small pistol.

BEEFY CLERK
That’s a 22-caliber.
Good for -- beginners.

Cam scans the arsenal.
Points at a large, chrome behemoth.

CAM
I like that one.

BEEFY CLERK
The Smith & Wesson?
(chuckles)
That’s a 357, Miss.
Kinda big for a lil’ gal like you.

CAM
(evil smile)
That’s Dirty Harry’s gun.

BEEFY CLERK
Yeah?

CAM
Go ahead. Make my day.
(beat)
And gimmee a box of ammo.

INT. LA GUN CLUB - SHOOTING RANGE - MOMENTS LATER
A row of stalls, each with a target at the end.
The sound of GUNSHOTS is DEAFENING.

It’s punctuated by the CLINK-CLINK-CLINK
of shells hitting the cement floor.

The SHOOTERS are a rogue’s gallery of
COPS, THUGS, MILITARY TYPES and REDNECKS.
And a KID with his DAD.

At one stall is ROD FUNK (40’s),
rugged, gone to seed.

Former cop, now of questionable repute.
Cleaned up, he’d be quite the catch.
But he’s still good with the ladies.

He takes a secretive sip from a flask.
Wipes him mouth.

Cam takes the lone empty stall,
right next to him.

Slips on her ear protectors.
She SHOVES a magazine into the Magnum.
Raises the giant weapon in her right hand.

Rod notices her.
Tries not to stare.
Lopsided grin.

ROD
(not looking, taking aim)
You should use a two-handed grip.

Cam FIRES, BANG.
The gun RECOILS.
Her hand FLIES back.

CAM
OW --

ROD
Got quite a kick, doesn’t it.

Cam looks.
Likes what she sees.
Hides it.

CAM
(rubs her wrist)
Yeah.

Rod puts down his gun.
Walks over.

ROD
You gotta use a two-handed grip.
(demonstrates)
Like this.
Left hand over the right.
(hands the gun back)
Try it.

She does. Takes aim.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

THE TARGET
Shows five holes in the head.

ROD
She’s a natural.
(low)
Nice cluster.

CAM
'Cluster?'

ROD
First time, isn’t it.

CAM
You know what they say.

ROD
What’s that.

CAM
First time it hurts.
(beat)
Then it gets better --

Trigger Happy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Tuesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.


In Chapter 1 of GUN-WILD, trust fund heiress Cameron Clinch goes into a trendy Rodeo Drive boutique to buy a watch ... and walks right into the middle of a robbery ...


EXT. RODEO DRIVE - UPSCALE BOUTIQUE - DUSK
A 1996 LAND ROVER parks in front
of a trendy boutique.

A blight on the landscape.
Sign reads LOADING ONLY.

A YOUNG WOMAN (25) gets out of the car,
SLAMS the door.
Heads inside, on a mission.

Tall and taught, with reckless curves.
Long blonde hair to her ass.
Even in this nabe, people stare.

Meet CAMERON CLINCH.
Former trust fund heiress.
Tres biker chic.

She checks her watch.
We see its CRACKED.

She TOSSES her cigarette in the gutter.
PUSHES OPEN the door into --

INT. UPSCALE BOUTIQUE - CONTINUOUS
Haughty Euro-pop plays on the sound system.
The ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
approaches Cam.

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
We’re closing in a few minutes.
Can I help you find something?

Cam fingers a display of $50,000 watches.
Holds one up.

We now see she’s wearing
a hospital ID bracelet.

CAM
Does this come in black?

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
That watch is VERY expensive.
(condescending)
Let me show you something that’s more --
in your price range.

She bends down, looks on a shelf
below the display case.

THE FRONT DOOR
FLIES open.

A LARGE, BEEFY GUY
wearing a ski mask CHARGES in.

Points a 357 Magnum at Anorexic.
RUSHES over to the counter.
PUSHES Cameron to the side.

BEEFY MASKED GUNMAN
Hands where I CAN SEE ‘EM.
This is ROBBERY.

THE GUARD
Rushes him.

Beefy PISTOL-WHIPS him.
BANG, he goes down.

ANOREXIC
Swings a BASEBALL BAT.

CRACKS Beefy on the head.
He goes down like a sack of rocks, THWUMP.

CAM
LEAPS at Beefy.

GRABS his gun.
Points it at Anorexic.
She DROPS the bat. CLANG.

CAM
Gimme that fucking watch, BITCH.

Shaking, Anorexic hands Cam
the watch she was looking at.

Cam smiles, turns,
and RACES out the door.

EXT. UPSCALE BOUTIQUE - CONTINUOUS
Cam RUNS to her car. OPENS the door.

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL
Stands in the doorway.

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
HELP! ROBBERY!
Somebody STOP THAT WOMAN!

CAM
Turns. Smiles.

Raises the gun.
Points it at Anorexic.

ANOREXIC
HITS the ground.

CAM
Takes aim.

CAM
Ask yourself, punk.
Do you feel LUCKY?

She SHOOTS. BANG.

The window SPRAYS
broken glass in the air.

Cam’s body RECOILS from
the force of the blast, REELS back.

She rubs her hand. Ow.
She JUMPS in the car --

CAM
That’ll teach you to be RUDE.

And PEELS OFF in screech of rubber.

INT. LAND ROVER - MOVING - DUSK
On the car stereo, the sludgy,
buzzsaw riot gurl snarl of
L7’S PRETEND WE’RE DEAD thuds ominously.

Cam CRANKS IT UP.

CAM
Holy fucking SHIT.

Cam stops at a light.
Looks in the rearview. No one.

She looks down at her crotch.
Wiggles in her seat to the music.

CAM
Better than riding horses --

The Spy Who Fucked Me

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of B-GIRLS, we reach the exciting conclusion of our story in which ... well, I'm not gonna tell you, as that would spoil the surprise, right? Read on, Macduff ...


EXT. LOFT BUILDING - NIGHT
The girls RACE outside,
head toward the van,
now parked in front.

Long comes RUNNING behind them.

LONG
Come BACK here.

The van’s doors FLY open.
They PILE in,
SLAM them closed,
just as Long reaches the van.

He POUNDS on the windows.

LONG
You’re not gonna
get away with this.

The van TAKES OFF.

IN THE VAN
The girls look at each other, grin.
High-five each other.

BLING
Looks like we just did, hacker-san.

INT. JACK’S HOUSE - STUDY/COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT
Jack sits in a wing chair
across from the girls
in front of the fireplace.

They each hold a glass of champagne.

JACK
(toasts)
To a job well done, ladies.

BLING
This is kind of like Charlie’s Angels.

JACK
Well, now that you mention it --

LEXUS
What.
You have another job for us?

NEENA
(to the others)
Sorry, but my spy days are done.
Finito. Over.

JACK
What if I told you
it pays a hundred-K?

BLING
(narrows her eyes)
What’s the job?

JACK
Ever been to North Korea?

Fists Of Fury

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of B-GIRLS, it's the next-to-last installment of our story, in which stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer go mano-a-mano with cyber-hacker terrorist Long Kim in a fight to the finish ...


INT. LONG KIM’S STUDY - NIGHT
Long RUNS into the room.
Sees the girls erasing his hard drives

LONG
You fucking with my COMPUTERS?

BLING
Larry Mandletort might have been an asshole,
but that’s no reason to kill someone.

LEXUS
And I need my Friendbook.
How DARE you try and fuck it up.

NEENA
My god, look.
He’s so tiny.
I could probably bench press him.

LONG
I’m gonna KILL YOU.

He CHARGES Bling, FISTS FLYING.
Neena JUMPS out of the way.

He HITS the wall.
Lexus grabs a chair and
CRACKS it against his back.

He FALLS DOWN.
Then LEAPS UP and CHARGES after Lexus.

Neena sticks her foot out and TRIPS him.
He HITS the ground.

LEAPS UP again.
Charges after Neena.

Bling grabs a lamp and
CRACKS it on his head.

He weaves a bit.
Looks at her.

Closes his eyes --
looks like he’s gonna pass out --
Then LUNGES at Bling,
GRABS her around the throat.

Starts SQUEEZING.
Bling’s face starts turning red.

Neena and Lexus each grab a leg
and try to pry him off her,
but it’s no good.

Bling starts GASPING for air.

Lexus looks around for a weapon.
Sees the broken lamp.

Picks it up with a wild gleam in her eye --
and SHOVES IT UP HIS ASS.

He SQUEALS, lets go of Bling
and CRIES OUT IN PAIN.

BLING
Me ass rape you long time.

Download My Heart

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer get busted by cyber-hacker terrorist Long Kim while trying to foil his evil plot to take down social media website Friendbook ...


INT. LONG KIM’S LOFT - STUDY - NIGHT
Bling looks at the computer.

BLING
(into her headset)
It’s taking a long time.

SMITH (O.C.)
(electronic)
He’s got a shitload of files.
Shouldn’t take much longer.

The elevator in the foyer DINGS.

NEENA
Holy SHIT. He’s HERE.

BLING
Quick, HIDE.

Bling gets under the desk.

Lexus and and Neena
hide behind the drapes.

Bling looks at the hallway
outside from below.

IN THE HALLWAY
Long and Pretty Girl
walk toward the bedroom, laughing.

IN THE STUDY
Bling calls out to the girls.

BLING
He’s got a girl with him.
We gotta hurry up
and get the hell outta here.

She gets up.
Looks at the computer.
Sees the files have been transferred.

Ejects the disk.
Puts it in her pocket.

Lexus and Neena come out.
Walk over to the bank of servers.

Pull out electromagnetic devices.
Start wiping their memory.

Bling takes out her magnet,
starts wiping the laptop hard drive.

IN THE BEDROOM
Pretty Girl sits on the bed, smiling.

PRETTY GIRL
Want more sake.

LONG
Your wish is my command,
my little rose petal.

IN THE HALLWAY
Long whistles MY WAY.

Passes the study.
Sees the girls.

LONG
What the FUCK?

The girls see him. SCREAM.

IN THE VAN
Smith hears what’s going on.

SMITH
Shit --

Sake To Me

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer break into cyber-hacker Long Kim's condo and start disabling the virus he plans to unleash on social media website Friendbook, unaware that Long has picked up an Asian cutie at a Karaoke bar and is on his way home for a little 'downloading' of his own ...


INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT
A big, high-end nightclub in Chinatown.

LONG KIM (20’s), tiny in huge glasses
and a sharp suit holds
a bottle of sake while belting out
Sid Vicious’ snarling version of MY WAY.

LONG
And more, much more than THIS,
I did it MYYYYYYY WAYYYYYY --

INT. LONG KIM’S LOFT - STUDY - NIGHT
Retro-futuristic-mod design.

Crammed with tech gear
and computer servers.

Bling goes to the desk,
sees three laptops.

BLING
(into her headset)
There’s three computers on his desk.
Which one do I use?

IN THE VAN
Smith speaks into his headset.

SMITH
Hold on a sec.
(types on his keyboard)
The little perv --
(to Bling)
The one on the left.
The other two are for porn.

BLING
Shakes her head.

BLING
Tech nerd cliche
number twenty-two.
Check.

IN THE KARAOKE BAR
The crowd ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE.

Long beams.
Takes a bow.

Then a big drink of sake.
Sees somebody in the crowd.

ANGLE ON:
A PRETTY ASIAN GIRL (20).
Staring at him with a big smile.

IN LONG’S LOFT
Bling types on the keyboard.

BLING
Okay.
I’ve entered the code.

SMITH (O.C.)
Good girl.
Now start downloading the data.
(to Lexus and Neena)
Lexus and Neena, once she’s done,
start wiping the servers clean.
Do you copy?

LEXUS
Of course.
Who can’t make copies?

Bling inserts a disc into the drive.
Looks at the screen.

Types a command on the keyboard.
Speaks on her headset.

BLING
Okay.
Data’s being downloaded.

EXT. LOFT BUILDING - NIGHT
A BLACK MERCEDES pulls up
to the parking garage entrance.

We see Long behind the wheel
and Pretty Girl beside him.

INT. LONG KIM’S LOFT - STUDY - NIGHT
Bling looks at the computer.

BLING
(into her headset)
It’s taking a long time.

SMITH (O.C.)
(electronic)
He’s got a shitload of files.
Shouldn’t take much longer.

The elevator in the foyer DINGS.

NEENA
Holy SHIT.
He’s HERE.

BLING
Quick, HIDE --

Back In Black

Hey there, crime kids. Happy X. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer break into terrorist-hacker Long Kim's high-security downtown LA condo on their mission to take him down ...


EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - WAREHOUSE LOFTS - NIGHT
A grimy, seedy part of downtown.

We see a former warehouse
that’s been converted into
gleaming, high-security condo lofts.

A DELIVERY VAN
is parked across the street.

INT. DELIVERY VAN - NIGHT
Smith sits behind the wheel.

Bling, Lexus and Neena sit behind him
in the back in black
with satcom headsets.

LEXUS
I’m gonna pee my pants.

SMITH
Relax.
I’ve already done
all the heavy lifting.
You’ve got the security codes
and the floor plans.
We know he’s not there.
All you have to do
is enter the code,
transfer the data we need,
then wipe all hard drives.
You’ll be in and out in no time.

NEENA
Why do you get to stay in the van?

SMITH
I’m the wheelman, babe.
(beat)
And my insurance
doesn’t cover black ops.

INT. LOFT BUILDING - REAR ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The girls stand at the back entrance.

Bling enters the security code
on a panel next to the door.

Opens it.

BLING
It worked. C’mon.

They go in.

INT. LOFT BUILDING - CORRIDOR - ELEVATORS - NIGHT
Bling enters another security code.
An elevator OPENS.

They walk in.
The doors close.

INT. LOFT BUILDING - ELEVATOR - NIGHT
The girls look at a lit button
marked PENTHOUSE.

NEENA
Must be nice having an elevator
that only goes to your floor.

The elevator STOPS.
The doors OPEN.

We see a beautiful foyer,
very tastefully done.

The girls tip toe in.

INT. LONG KIM’S LOFT - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Bling leads the girls
down a long, dark corridor.

BLING
(into her headset)
The Eagle has dropped --

Fight Club

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of B-GIRLS, retired spy Jack Broad trains the girls to prepare for their mission, and then introduces them to Smith, his right-hand, who briefs them on how they are going to take down the assassin that killed tech billionaire Randy Mandletort ...


EXT. JACK’S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
Jack wears a sharp running suit.
A whistle on a cord around his neck.

Holds a clipboard.
Looks at the girls,
now wearing workout clothes.

JACK
Ladies, start your engines.

IN MONTAGE,
he watches the girls climb ropes.

RUN in a circle around the yard.
FIRE guns at targets.

Practice FIGHT MOVES.
RUN some more.

Do calisthenics.
RUN even more.

INT. JACK’S HOUSE - STUDY/COMMAND CENTER - DAY
Jack stands next to a SURFER DUDE (20’s)
sitting behind a massive
computer work station
with a dozen screens.

The girls sit nearby,
towels around their necks, exhausted.

JACK
This is Smith, my right arm.
Computer genius, internet warrior,
and hacker extraordinaire.

BLING
I thought you were retired.

JACK
My dear, just because I
never leave the house
doesn’t mean I don’t wanna know
what’s going on in the world.

LEXUS
How come you never leave the house?

BLING
Fourteen different nations
have a price on his head.

JACK
That’s why I’ve got Smith here.
He’s provided me with
a cloak of invisibility.

SMITH
I’ve jammed all heat-seeking tracking,
spy satellite monitoring --
and his web presence.
This house is,
as Stephen King would say,
a ‘dead zone.’

Meet SMITH, tan, buff,
with a tousled mane of blonde hair
Jeff Spicoli would be jealous of.
And dig the Warhol T-shirt.

JACK
Can’t leave home without it.
(to Smith)
What have you found out?

SMITH
Turns out Randy Mandletort
stole the matrix for Friendbook
from his college roomate Long Kim,
who is now the leader of a group
of hacker-terrorists known as ‘Phantom.’

BLING
Why didn’t he just hack into Friendbook?

SMITH
He is.
A trojan worm is set to infect it
around the world in a matter of hours.

LEXUS
Ohmigod.
What am I gonna do without Friendbook?

JACK
Fear not, my pneumatic one.
I’m sure Smith has a solution.

SMITH
I do.
I’ve written a code that’ll stop it --
which you’ll enter into his computer.

BLING
Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me
we’ve got to take Long Kim down,
AND save Friendbook --
all by ourselves?

JACK
Carpe diem.
Seize the day.

LEXUS
Ew.
I hate fish.

Rome Wasn't Built In A Lay

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer pay a visit to Bling's client Jack Broad, a retired spy, who comes up with a plan to help them get out of the mess they're in ...


EXT. MODERN HOUSE - NIGHT
A sleek, James Lloyd Wright kinda joint
nestled on a secluded wooded lot.

The girls walk up to the front door.

LEXUS
You mean he’s a spy?

BLING
Was. He’s retired.
(smiles)
But you know men.
He still likes
to stick it in
every now and then.

She RINGS the bell.

A MALE VOICE
comes over the intercom.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Go away.
No solicitors.

BLING
(into the speaker)
Jack, it’s me, Bling.

JACK (O.C.)
We had an appointment today?
I must be getting senile.

BLING
No.
I’m with my friends
Lexus and Neena.
We just witnessed a murder
and need to use your phone.

JACK
So you came
to the Honeycomb Hideout.

BLING
Hey.
Sometimes you
feel like a nut.

INT. JACK’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A real hep-cat’s joint,
done up in retro sixties cool.

JACK BROAD (60’s), tall, trim,
with a touch of gray
sits across from the girls
on a giant sectional sofa.

Swirls brandy in a snifter.
The girls sip glasses of wine.

JACK
And he was just
mowed down like that.

BLING
Yeah.
So we got the
fuck outta there.
Now we need to use your phone
to call the police.

JACK
You might want to
hold off on that.

BLING
What do you mean?

JACK
My dear, you just witnessed
the assassination of a
billionaire tech mogul.
Your cars are still there, right?

BLING
Yeah, but --

JACK
Whoever killed Randy Mandletort
is now gonna try and kill you,
so you’re going to be watched.

BLING
Jesus fucking Christ
on a tampon.
What are we gonna do?

JACK
Simple.
Find whoever ordered the hit,
then bring them to justice.

BLING
Yeah, right.
A stripper, a porn star
and a hooker?
You gotta be kidding.
It’s a suicide mission.

JACK
Not if I train you.

BLING
You mean like some kinda
boot camp?

JACK
My dear,
Rome wasn’t built in a lay --

Beggars Can't Be Coozers

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer step outside to have a smoke at tech billionaire Randy Mandletort's Hollywood Hills 'private party,' and then the shit hits the fan when they witness his assassination ...


EXT. RANDY’S MANSION - DUSK
A MAN IN BLACK (20’s) on a motorcycle
comes down the driveway. Parks.

Leaves his helmet on.
Walks inside.

EXT. RANDY’S MANSION - PATIO - DUSK
The girls smoke.
Look at each other.

NEENA
He’s even more of a douche
than I thought.

LEXUS
What’s up with the suit?
Pee Wee Herman much?

BLING
I say we have one drink,
take our money,
then make like bananas and split.

EXT. RANDY’S MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DUSK
Edgar carries a briefcase
into the room.
Walks over to Randy.

EDGAR
Here you are, sir.

Man In Black CHARGES into the room.
Pulls out an UZI.

SPRAYS THEM WITH BULLETS.
Randy and Edgar’s bodies
JERK like puppets.

HIT the floor.
THWUMP. THWUMP.

OUT ON THE PATIO
The girls hear the shots.

RUSH over.
See the bodies.

BLING
Let’s get the fuck
OUTTA HERE.

She RUNS to the end of the yard.
Lexus and Neena follow.

They get to the edge.
Look down the hill.

LEXUS
Kinda steep.

BLING
Don’t be a pussy.
Take off your shoes.

They take them off.
And start off down the hill.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - NIGHT
The girls make their way
through a wooded area.

LEXUS
OW.
I fucking stepped on something.

BLING
C’mon, woman up.
You rather get shot?

NEENA
(listens to her cell phone)
Still no reception --
(beat)
Where we going?

BLING
One of my clients lives nearby.

LEXUS
Ew. Some rich, old perv?

BLING
Honey, when you’re
running for your life,
beggars can’t be coozers --

Divine Sisters Of The Vagina Ya-Ya Hood

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of B-GIRLS, stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer arrive at Friendbook founder Randy Mandletort's 'private party' at his mansion in the Hollywood Hills ... and discover he really is a flaming asshole ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DUSK
A big, sprawling joint high up in the hills.
Amazing view of the smog.

A giant circular driveway.
Deluxe and delightful.

A canary-yellow AUDI CONVERTIBLE
cruises down the driveway,
SCREECHES to a halt in front of the house.

Lexus gets out,
holding her smart phone to her ear.

Looks smoking hot
in a dress that’s barely there.

LEXUS
BEAT ya.

Suddenly a candy-apple red
AUDI CONVERTIBLE ROARS down the driveway.

CRUNCHES to a stop right next to Lexus.’
Leena hops out, also dressed to kill.
Marches over.

NEENA
Check out Danica Patrick.
Nascar a go-go.

A bright blue AUDI CONVERTIBLE
FLIES across the gravel, FISHTAILS.

Makes a perfect stop next to Neena’s car.
Bling gets out, regal in black.
Flashes a big grin.

BLING
Divine sisters of the vagina ya ya hood.
Let's PARTY.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FOYER - DUSK
Bigger than most apartments.
Unbelievably lux.

The girls look around in wonder.
A BRITISH BUTLER (60’s) approaches them.

BUTLER
Ladies.
Mr. Mandletort is expecting you.
Please follow me.

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DUSK
Once again, very large, very lux.
Expensive furniture and art.

A full wet bar against one wall.
Giant fireplace.

At the bar is RANDY MANDLETORT (27),
small, weaselly.

Makes Mark Zuckerburg look good-looking.
Wears an outrageous gold lame suit and shades.

The girls walk in.
Stop and stare.

MARK
Ladies.
So glad you could join me.
Come on in, the drinks are wet.
(a dirty chuckle)
Sure hope you are.

LEXUS
(low, to the girls)
Where’s everybody else?
I thought this was a party.

BLING
(under her breath)
Haven’t you seen Sunset Boulevard?

They plaster on fake smiles.
Walk over.

LEXUS
Randy.
Thanks for inviting us.

NEENA
Love your place.

BLING
Yeah. It’s -- big.

RANDY
That’s not all that’s big.
(winks)
If you know what I mean.
Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.

Pause.

BLING
So --

RANDY
Ah, yes. The money. Silly me.
(presses the intercom)
Edgar, could you please
bring me the ladies’ gifts?

EDGAR (O.C.)
(electronic)
Right away, sir.

RANDY
He’ll just be a sec.
(smiles)
So, you gals ever
played anal ring toss?

NEENA
You know what?
I’d kill for a smoke.
Mind if I step out
on the terrace for a sec?

LEXUS
I’ll join you.

BLING
Me, too.

RANDY
Take your time.
I’ll be right here.
(meaningfully)
Waiting --

Pussy Patrol

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

I've been doing this blog for almost five years now. Hard to believe. Over the last year or so you might have noticed that I've been posting some of my older work instead of what I've been writing recently. The reason for this is the theme of the blog is hardboiled/pulp/noir/crime stories, and sometimes I write something that doesn't fit into one of those categories, so I don't post it -- like FILLMORE, a biopic about the blues musician Fillmore Slim that goes into production later this year -- or THE PROPHESY OF RECKCONING, a LORD OF THE RINGS/GAME OF THRONES kinda fantasy epic. Also, the thinking was that some of you are new to the blog, so why not post something again from a couple of years ago?

Well, today I'm please to unveil a brand-new story. I wrote the short film B-GIRLS with a view to raising the money to direct it myself, then expand it into a feature. The template for this was the short film D.E.B.S., which won a bunch of awards, then became a fairly successful cult hit after a feature version was shot. So, without further adieu, get ready for the ride of your life ...

In Chapter 1 of B-GIRLS, we meet stripper Lexus Cole, hooker Bling Stevens and porn star Neena Jammer, who have all been invited to a 'private party' at Friendbook found Randy Mandeltort's joint. The problem is, he's a flaming asshole ... but when the girls find out they're being paid 100k to attend, they throw caution to the wind and get their butts in gear ...


EXT. SPEARMINT RHINO STRIP CLUB - DAY
A giant complex
on the outskirts of LA.

A few cars dot the parking lot
on a weekday.

A DRUNK PATRON
pukes on the cement.

INT. SPEARMINT RHINO STRIP CLUB - DRESSING ROOM - DAY
A gaggle of STRIPPERS sit at their mirrors,
fixing their hair, their faces, their outfits.

LEXUS COLE (20), a blonde
with a killer rack does her lips.

Blots them with a tissue.
Checks herself out in the mirror.

Narrows her eyes.

LEXUS
(to the girl next to her)
Does this lipstick
makes me look fat?

Her smartphone VIBRATES.
She grabs it eagerly.
Sees a text.

LEXUS
(reads it out loud)
Private party -- in the hills --
(reads)
I get paid a hundred-thou?
I’m SO there.
(thinks)
Randy Mandletort?
The guy that started FRIENDBOOK?

EXT. MARINA DOCK - PRIVATE YACHT - DAY
A GIANT YACHT gleams in the sunlight
on a bright, blue day.

EXT. PRIVATE YACHT - REAR DECK - DAY
SENATOR COTTON (50’s) tall, grey-haired,
distinguished-looking sits in the jacuzzi
sipping a glass of champagne.

SENATOR COTTON
Must you go so soon?

BLING STEVENS (20’s),
a tall, brunette high-class call girl
with a heart of black
pulls on her boots, eyes him.

BLING
‘So soon?’
You’ve enjoyed ‘the girlfriend experience’
for three days.
Gal’s gotta get out.
Mingle. Air out her pussy.

SENATOR COTTON
A private party, you say?
Maybe I could tag along.

BLING
Randy Mandletort’s the host.
Still wanna go?

SENATOR COTTON
That asshole? Fuck that.
Why are you going?

BLING
I’m getting paid a hundred-k.
And for that, I’ll
poke his ‘like’ button.

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A surprising large soundstage
somewhere deep in the Valley.

A MAN (30’s) and a WOMAN (20’s)
are making love on a culinary island
on a surprising good kitchen set.

FEMALE PORN STAR
C’mon, baby -- stuff my turkey,
saute my giblets,
butter my BUNS --
give it to me on a SKEWER.

Meet porn goddess NEENA JAMMER (25),
petite, natural-breasted, natural redhead.
Stunning. Sexy. Natural.

MALE PORN STAR
Prepare to feast on THE IRON CHEF.

Neena’s cell phone RINGS.
She grabs it. Looks. Smiles.

Male Porn Star stops pumping.
Makes a face.

NEENA
(into the phone)
Roberto. What’s up?

DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Cut, cut, goddammit to FUCK, Neena.
We’re in the middle of a SCENE.

NEENA
It’s my agent. Hold on.
(listens, then)
A hundred-grand?
Just to go to a PARTY?
(listens)
Oh. HIM? I dunno --
(listen)
Lexus and Bling are going?
Why didn’t you say so?
Tell ‘em I’m coming.
(laughs)
Pun intended --

Flaming Creatures

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dick Carrie Love's standoff with teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty ends in a bloodbath of epic proportions ... but when her former flame, porn star Laura Lang shows up on the scene, she literally gets down on her knees and begs for forgiveness ...


INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Sparkle stops. Looks. Confused.
Something shuts down.

SPARKLE
No, no. Turn it back on.
Turn it back on.
(very quiet)
Mommy, please -- let me do it again, please.
I’m sorry I dropped it.
I know I can do better.
(listens to something)
I don’t get another chance?

She gently places a gun at her throat.
The other at her temple.
Closes her eyes.

CARRIE (O.S.)
No! Don’t do it --

SPARKLE
(a whisper)
I’m sorry.
(beat)
I’ll take my ball and phone home now.
(a whisper)
Bye, bye, Daddy.
Take care of Mommy --

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - ARIAL POV - CONTINUOUS

SPARKLE
Squeezes the trigger.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Her head EXPLODES in a SPRAY of RED MIST.

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Emotionally spent, splattered,
Carrie makes her way through
the crowd of NEWS CREWS, COPS, GAWKING BYSTANDERS.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Another thing about Los Angeles --
this sprawling mass of self-satisfaction
is all about air time.
The ‘big story.’ Ratings.

She passes a REPORTER,
a blonde, grinning jock type.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Fucking vultures --

JOCK REPORTER
Yes! I believe that’s her!
(approaches Carrie)
Detective! Miss Love!
Roger Ditz, KTLA Evening News!
How do you feel?

Carrie PUSHES him away.
Keeps walking.

CARRIE
That’s on a 'need to know' basis, Roger.

Veronica approaches.

VERONICA
Don’t bother begging for my favors, Carrie.

CARRIE
We all use each other, babe.

Lipshitz appears.

LIPSHITZ
Carrie, let me give you a lift home.
You can file your report tomorrow.
You’ve been through --

CARRIE
I’ve been through a bloody blender, Lare.
Please, leave me alone -- no offense --
but I’ve got find someone.

LIPSHITZ
I’ll call you tomorrow morning.

CARRIE
I’ll call you.
I’m sleeping in.


She reaches the gauntlet of GAWKING ONLOOKERS.
Pushing, wildly grinning, jockeying for position.

RABID ONLOOKER
Yo, that’s her!

CRAZED ONLOOKER
Carrie, baby! Legs!

Carrie ignores them, pushes through the crowd.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It’s all about the glitz,
the glamour -- the box office.
Which explains the rage behind
the big, bright smiles.
Why someone jams on the horn
if you hesitate the tiniest bit at a stoplight.
Why people will spend five bucks for a coffee
and a buck-fifty for a cookie.
A fuckin’ cookie.
(beat)
And which explains all the shitty movies
they keep cranking out.

LAURA
Stands at the corner. Holy shit.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Except this one, of course.

Carrie walks over to this flaming creature
in pink latex.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And there she was, a vision in rubber.
It was as if the heavens opened up
and delivered me evil.
Brought back to me the missing piece
I thought was gone forever.
The thing that made me whole.

Carrie says something to Laura.
Laura tenses.
Looks like she’s going to bolt.

Carrie pulls out a pack of smokes.
Shakes out two.

Lights them.
Offers one to Laura --

She snatches it.
Takes a long, deep drag.
Blows smoke in Carrie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Cause when your self-esteem
is running on empty --
you need another warm body
to fill your tank.

Carrie begs, pleads.
Like her life depended on it.

But then, at this point -- maybe it does.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Nobody’s perfect.
I’m not -- and God knows,
neither was she.

Laura’s eyes burn into her.
Considering.

Carrie gets down on one knee --
Giving Laura the view up her skirt.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But we had something
most people never have.
Something they only dream about.
(beat)
And should probably
stay the hell away from.

Laura pulls a leash out of her purse.
SNAPS it on Carrie’s leather choker.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Some people say such passion
is worth the price.
For me, it was a no-brainer.
(beat)
Call me Lassie.

Laura steps back.
Gives the chain a YANK.

Carrie stands. Goes to her.
And they kiss --

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s it.
Time for me to ankle this joint.
And it’s about time for you
to get back to your happy little lives.
(beat)
Me? I’ll be right here,
playing craps with my heart --
and spinning the roulette wheel of love.

Till Death Do Us Part

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love and teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty are in the middle of a stand-off at the Bargain Clown Mart, where Sparkle makes her final demand: she wants to talk to the media, who happily obliges and puts her on the air ...


EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
A gridlock of COPS, several NEWS CREWS --
And a crowd of GAWKING SPECTATORS.

Larry PUSHES toward Carrie -- GRABS her.

LIPSHITZ
Are you okay?
What’s going on?
How many people are dead?
What’s she like?
Does she have any demands?
Are you okay? Can I get you --

CARRIE
Larry! Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
(beat)
I’m okay. But there’s dozens
of dead smart shoppers in there --
and one barely breathing bimbo.
And I don’t give a fuck what she’s like --
this pageant princess from hell
is right now in the middle of
a midnight-movie breakdown --
and she’s demanding that we
get the fucking media in there immediately --
so unless you have a better idea --
then I suggest we
grab some prime time meat
and do a little dance
with little Missy devil dog.

LIPSHITZ
(gestures around him)
Go get ‘em tiger. Pick a channel.

She looks around at the REPORTERS,
lights, cameras, CREWS.

A MULTI-ETHNIC CREW, 'TELEVISO.'

HISPANIC REPORTER
Mira, mira! Televiso! Televiso!

LIVE AT FIVE -- with a GLOSSY NEWS GUY,
grim -- but excited.

GLOSSY NEWS GUY
Live at Five, Miss Love! Live at Five!

CNN. The big boys.
With a STUNNING NEWS BABE.

STUNNING NEWS BABE
Carrie. Been a long time.

CARRIE
gulps.

CARRIE
Veronica. You got your dream job.
(beat)
You look great.

VERONICA
You never called.

CARRIE
Please, I’ll grovel at your feet later.
Lick your shoes.
Anything you want, I swear.
But right now we gotta meet the press.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - MOMENTS LATER
Veronica and the CREW creep up to Sparkle on tip-toes.

SPARKLE
Jesus Christ, this is the 'Action News?'
Lighten up, this is the big scoop,
the exclusive -- it’s the fucking sweeps!
Play it right, and your career goes into overdrive.
Fuckin’ quote’s gonna go through the roof.

VERONICA
(shoves mike toward Sparkle)
Veronica Sawyer, Miss Plenty, CNN.
I must say this the most
unusual interview I’ve ever done.
You’ll have to pardon me
if I’m a little bit scared shitless.

SPARKLE
(crazy smile)
Pleased to meet ya, Ronnie.
And please, call me Sparkle.
It’s truly an honor.
Love that action, love that news.

VERONICA
Do you realize we’re making
broadcast history, Miss -- Sparkle?
Right now at this very moment,
over a hundred million people
around the world are watching us.

SPARKLE
Then take me to your global village,
anchor babe. Lets get that demographic.
(to the cameraman)
Bring it in closer, I want to hear them gasp --
wanna hear them say, but gosh, she’s so pretty.

CARRIE
shoves her gun in Veronica’s face.
GRABS her mike.

CARRIE
Before you get your precious footage --
I need to borrow your transmission.

VERONICA
Bitch.
(into the camera)
As you can see, Detective Love
has just commandeered my crew.

SPARKLE
Hey, you can’t shoot her!
I’m gonna shoot her!

INT. ACTION NEWSROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
The ANCHORS and CREW watch on monitors
with uncontained glee.

LINA
Get her! Kick her fucking ass!

BROCK
Shoot the bitch! Shoot the bitch!

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
Carrie gets closer, looks into the camera.

CARRIE
Laura -- I hope you’re watching this.
I just wanna say I’m sorry.
I really fucked up.
What you do for a living is your choice,
it’s none of my business,
and I had no right to judge you.
I just got scared --
that machine almost killed you.
Almost fried what I pray to.
(beat)
At least what you do is honest.
I mean, I fuck people too,
but they don’t have an orgasm.
They just get a slimy sandwich
and a scary new roommate.
Please forgive me.
Come back, baby.
My sheets are dry.

KEKO (O.S.)
Well, what have we got here?
One of the dolls get out of her box?

Sparkle WHIPS an Uzi toward the voice,
turns to look.

SPARKLE
Ohmigod, it’s Mr. decaf frappaccino.

So glad you could join the party.
Ready for a little ‘death do us part’ action?

BERNIE
holds twin 357 Magnums.
They glisten in the light.

KEKO
In your dreams, little girlie.
There’s two of us now,
so you better put away those toys
before Mommy catches you.

ANGLE ON --
Carrie’s gun at the camera.
Bernie’s pair on Sparkle.

Sparkle’s Uzis on Madrid and Bernie.
Sparkle FLIPS a gun from Bernie to the CAMERAMAN.

SPARKLE
(to Carrie)
Squeeze play -- your choice, hon.
Billy Betacam, or baby Botox.

Pause.

CARRIE
(to the cameraman)
Shut off the camera.
It’ll make her stop.

CAMERAMAN
What? No way.

CARRIE
Shut off the camera,
it’ll make her stop.
She won’t shoot,
it’s gotta be on the air.

CAMERAMAN
No way.
She’s got a fuckin’ gun at my head.

SPARKLE
That’s right, detective --
I’ve got him in my hair-trigger.
And It’s gettin’ itchy.

CARRIE
(to the cameraman)
And I’ve got her number.
She won’t kill anyone else
unless it’s being broadcast --

BANG! BANG! BANG!
A surprised look on Madrid’s face.

Three red stains slowly expand
on her gauzy belly-top.

THE CAMERAMAN
turns to the wounded beauty,
focuses. Excited. Scared.

CARRIE
PUNCHES him.

GRABS the camera.
Shuts it off.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
The monitors go black.

BROCK
Goddammit.

LINA
Fuck me.

The Family Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dick Carrie Love goes into the belly of the beast when she confronts teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty, who's holding hostages at the Bargain Clown Mart on Hollywood Boulevard ...


INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Carrie walks through the front door,
hands in the air.

CARRIE
I’m not carrying.
Let the girl go.
We can make a deal.

SPARKLE
There she is -- lookin’ good, Missy.
But where’s the hunka-hunka burnin’ cop-muffin?

CARRIE
He’s on his way.
So let’s just calm down.

Sparkle walks over, pats her down.
Gets to Carrie’s hemline.

CARRIE
That’s a restricted area.
I don’t do the casual thing these days.

The killer’s hand disappears up inside.

CARRIE
No wonder you’re killing all your suitors --
you’re one of the ten percent.

Sparkle whips her hand out.
CLICK-CLICKS-CLICKS her weapon.

SPARKLE
'Let’s Make A Deal,' huh?
Wanna play 'The Family Fuck?'
'Who wants to be a dead fuck?'
How ‘bout 'The Wheel of Misfortune?'
Huh? Wanna take a spin?

The vixen swings her Uzis
in the direction of Madrid.

SPARKLE
Don’t shoot, or the nigger gets it.

Pause.

CARRIE
BLAZING SADDLES.

SPARKLE
I’m rilly, rilly impressed.
(beat)
'Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be okay.
I’m your biggest fan.'

CARRIE
MISERY.
Cathy Bates makes James Cahn pee his Hilfigers.

SPARKLE
Ohimgod.
Fuck me with a blowtorch.
Pull my anal beads.
You’re really good.
You might just have to live.
(beat)
'Envy. My sin was envy.'

CARRIE
Take a powder, kid. SEVEN.
Kevin Spacey, the scene where he’s got
little Gwynie Paltrow’s head in a box.
Kid stuff. That’s the best you can do?
(pissed off)
'Go ahead, ask yourself, punk --
do you feel lucky?'

CARRIE
You’re kidding me, right?
I thought you’d be gettin’ obscure on me.
That’s my boy, Clint, DIRTY HARRY.
Reason I joined the force, little girl.

Sparkle SNAPS.

SPARKLE
Don’t call me LITTLE GIRL.
I’m NOT a little girl.

CARRIE
Ooh. Looks like I hit a nerve.

SPARKLE
Shut up! You’re ruining it!
This is my movie!
This is my shining moment in the sun --
my climax -- my audience award-winning --

Carrie WHIPS a sliver of a gun
out from under her skirt.

CARRIE
Cut the crap, little girl.
I’m on to you.
You’re nothing but a two-bit,
dime store floozy with
a couple of semiautomatic weapons.
You don’t fucking scare me.
I’ve been looking death in the face
longer than you’ve needed tampons.
So go ahead, shoot --
c’mon, hit me with your best shot.

A pin drops.

SPARKLE
No. Not yet.
Get a news crew in here. Now.
Or else silver spoon in her snatch
gets it where Daddy does it to her.

MADRID
Hey!

SPARKLE
Shut up!

She EXPLODES in a fusillade of bullets --
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

SPARKLE
You heard me, now!
Unless the action fucking news
is in here in ONE MINUTE --
the heiress gets her rack frappéd
in a 45 caliber blender.

CARRIE’S
eyes flicker. A brainstorm.

CARRIE
Then let me go get one.

SPARKLE
Okay -- march, copper.
Bring me the media.
(beat)
But if you try any funny stuff,
it’s curtains, see?
You try and double-cross me,
and it’s boom, boom, boom,
out go the lights --
everybody have fun tonight,
everybody Wang Chung tonight.

Carrie turns to go. Stops.
Looks back.

CARRIE
You really gotta get out more often --

B-Movie Meltdown

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, newly-reinstated homicide detective Carrie Love arrives at the Bargain Clown Mart to begin her showdown with teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty, who's holding the joint hostage ...


INT./EXT. CARRIE’S OLDS - PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DUSK
A postcard sunset.
Riot of red, orange and yellow
splashed across the sky, the water.

Carrie races up the coast
in a tunnel of palm trees.

CARRIE (V.O.)
This is the part where I have
my showdown with the beast.
(beat)
Let me tell you a story.
I have a girlfriend who works at a movie studio.
And this mini-major had a big hit movie.
Made 150 million bucks.
It was one of those 'dumb' comedies.
Even had the word 'dumb' in the title.
So, when it comes time
to make the sequel, the suits --

She turns onto Sunset Boulevard.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Well, actually, they don’t wear suits anymore.
Every day is 'casual Friday' in show biz nowadays --
so let’s call them, 'business casuals.'

The Porsche races by the Beverly Hills Hotel.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So these business casuals come up
with this brilliant, 'creative' idea.
Let’s not use the original writer.
Since we’d kill to be able to come up
with an idea, something, anything,
a germ of something that might possibly resemble
an original thought in an alternate universe --
we’ll have some input.
Some ego-driven bastardization
of the creative process.

Carrie flies by the Cinerama Dome.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So now I feel like the fucking writer
who got fired from the very thing she created.
I got pink-slipped out of my life.
My girlfriend’s gone, fucked that up.
I lost my job, really fucked myself
in the ass with that one --
and I only got it back because
I’m being summoned to the climactic scene
by the villain --

The car turns left, heads North up La Brea.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Who in this case is the evil spawn
of Jon-Benet Ramsey risen from the dead,
hell-bent on shooting her own B-movie meltdown
in some kind of post-apocalyptic Hollywood Babylon.
(beat)
Don’t drop your popcorn, kids --
cause the hero’s about to lose it.

She stops at a light.
Looks at herself in the rear view.

IN THE MIRROR
Carrie’s eyes burn.
They blink, flicker madly.

Her hand WHAP-WHAP-WHAP-WHAP-WHAPS
the dashboard.

CARRIE
(screams)
No! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
I will NOT be a passive protagonist!

Carrie JAMS on the horn --
HONK, HONK, HONK, HONNNKKK.
She TAKES OFF into the traffic --

EXT. CORNER OF HOLLYWOOD AND VINE - CONTINUOUS
Carrie’s silver coupe SCREECHES, fishtails right,
then jerks into a tiny parking lot.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - NIGHT
Three-dozen squad cars, news vans choke the parking lot.
Carrie stands behind yellow police tape with a bullhorn.

CARRIE
(Loud, over the speaker)
Alright, you Waco-wacko, Una-Bimbo,
Branch Dividian wannabe.
I’m here, I’m queer --
and I’m gonna fuck up
your technicolor, tinsletown world.

IN THE STORE
Sparkle snaps on a 'Mr. Karaoke'
with a squeal of feedback.

SPARKLE
So glad you could make it to the show, Detective Love.
Or should I say, ex-detective Love.
Now you listen to me, Missy --
save your threats for someone who gives a fuck,
cause there’s a new sheriff in town.
And she’s gonna preempt your regular programming.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

THE PARKING LOT

CARRIE
Go ahead, kill the trust fund thigh-mistress --
like I could give a holy fuck!

INT. TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST - AT THE SAME TIME
BROCK BRADLEY and LINA DELGADO
sit at the 'Action News' desk.

BROCK
-- When just moments ago, Homicide Chief
Larry Lipshitz reinstated Detective Carrie Love.
I know we’re not supposed give our opinion, Lina --
but I gotta say, I think there’s gonna be
a lot of controversy over this.

LINA
Give me a break, Brock.
She’s just reclaiming what’s hers.
Like the whispering wind off the desert of the heart,
Carrie Love is a postmodern heroine for a vacant world.
Ride the white horse, girlfriend.
Ride the white horse.

What?

BROCK
Well, look who’s the poet.
(touches earpiece, relieved)
We’ve just been given
a late-breaking bulletin. Skip?

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Roving reporter SKIP WHITMAN, the red headed, almost-albino
man on the scene, squints into the CAMERA.

SKIP
That’s right, Brock.
This is Skip Whitman,
man on the scene here on a
crisp, clear, starry night
here at the Bargain Clown Mart,
deep in the heart of
beautiful downtown Hollywood.

BROCK
Very descriptive, Skip.
So what the heck’s going on?

SKIP
Well, Brock, in a stunning reversal of fortune,
infamous former-Homicide Detective Carrie Love
has been yanked back onto the force --
and is right now inside the Bargain Clown Mart
having a showdown with the alleged killer,
who we’ve just learned
is a very attractive teenage girl.
The stunning former 'Little Miss Inland Empire'
only made one demand -

LINA
(touches her earpiece)
Holds that thought, Skip --
I’ve just been given another bulletin.
We’ve just learned that Carrie Love
is wearing a to-die-for
Gucci chocolate brown leather mini.

Brock turns, looks at her strangely.

Bless Me Father, For I Have Fucked

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko carjacks a civilian's wheels in his mad race to the crime scene in progress, where teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty is holding the Bargain Clown Mart hostage. Meanwhile, disgraced cop Carrie Love is drowning her sorrows in a bottle, but when she gets a call from Bernie to get her shit together and come help, she gets her ass in gear ...


EXT./INT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - BERNIE’S SUV - DUSK
Bernie and Valentine speed down the Strip like a bullet.
They SCREECH to a stop at a light.

VALENTINE
(sees something out the window)
Shit, that kid’s gonna throw a rock at --

CRASH. Valentine’s window SPRAYS
into a million pieces.

A vicious-looking gang-banger
jams an AK-47 at Valentine.

GANG-BANGER
Yo, bitch!

Valentine deftly pulls a
Smith & Wesson from his boot.

VALENTINE
Nice gat, what you pay for that?

GANG-BANGER
Shut da fuck up, this is a
fuckin’ car-jackin,’ muthafucka!

Valentine GRABS the gun barrel in a blur of fury,
BANGS it against the window jam --
SHOVES his piece in the kid’s throat.

VALENTINE
Problem with that rifle shit
is the length of the weapon,
makes it hard to --
(BANGS the kid’s head)
Maneuver.

His body CLUMPS to the ground, WHUMP.

KEKO
That little FUCK smashed my WINDOW.

VALENTINE
Gee. You could say something like,
‘good job, Valentine. Nice reflexes.‘

BERNIE=
Shut up! Let me think!
(beat)
You stay here with the perp,
wait for another unit,
I’m gonna find another vehicle.

VALENTINE
You get to go, and I have
to stay here and fucking wait?
No way, I’m always the one who --

BERNIE
Valentine, you stupid fuck!
I HAVE to go there,
she ASKED me to, remember?

VALENTINE
(surly)
Better hurry up then,
could be some Dog Day Afternoon
shit goin’ on.

Bernie opens the door, jumps out.

BERNIE
You actually make me miss the muff-diver.

Valentine puts two fingers in his mouth,
wiggles his tongue.

BERNIE
stands at the curb.

Looks at the sprawl of cars creeping slowly
in a crunch of prime-time traffic.
Sees something.

BERNIE
Always wanted to drive one of those --

A MONSTER TRUCK
towers over the other vehicles.
White trash pride.

Bernie runs up to the passenger door.
YANKS it open.

BERNIE
(flashes his badge)
Outta the car! Police business!

He GRABS the DRIVER,
a frat-boy looking hulk,
THROWS him out.

FRAT BOY
Hey! You can’t do that!

Bernie SLAMS the door.
Looks down at the kid.

BERNIE
I just did, jar-head!
Go drink some beer
and beat up your girlfriend.

He JAMS the truck into gear.
ROARS onto the sidewalk.

INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Our not-so-plucky heroine is sprawled on the couch,
a lump of self-pity.

On the coffee table, a bottle of scotch.
Empty beer bottles. A shot glass --

And Carrie’s big, chrome Glock.

From the TV, we hear LAURA’S VOICE
cry out with fake passion.

LAURA (O.S.)
Yes -- gawd, yes. Fuck me!

Carrie grabs the shooter,
FLINGS it at the screen -- CRACK.

POP. The glass SHATTERS.
Smoke curls.

CARRIE
(very drunk)
Fucking -- cunt.

Carrie slowly reaches over.
Picks up the gun.

CARRIE
Girl’s best friend --

She grabs the bottle. Takes a slug.

CARRIE
Pills would be -- much less messy.

Carrie brings the barrel to her crotch.

CARRIE
Wonder if anybody’s ever
blown out their cootch.

Picks up the videotape box.
The title reads HARD CANDY.
Laura’s face grins lewdly.

CARRIE
Oh, yeah -- that’s right.

She FLINGS the box across the room.
Takes another slug.

CARRIE
Candy is dandy --
but liquor is quicker --
(puts the gun to her throat)
But a bullet in the gullet is handy.

The safety clicks.

CARRIE
Dead poet’s society --

She closes her eyes.

CARRIE
Forgive me father, for I have fucked.

The phone RINGS.

CARRIE
Fuck you! Go away! Leave me alone!

It BRRR-RINGS again. She stands.
Marches over to the bar.

Ma Bell’s intruder BRRR-RINGS.
She GRABS it.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. MONSTER TRUCK - AT THE SAME TIME
Bernie YELLS into his cell phone.

KEKO
Carrie, it’s Bernie -- don’t throw it!

CARRIE
What? You -- what the fuck do you --

KEKO
The phone! Don’t throw it!
That’s what you do,
so don’t fucking throw it.
Listen to me, we’ve found the killer!

A horn HONKS somewhere in her fog.

CARRIE
You found the killer?
(beat)
Where?

KEKO
In Hollywood.
She’s taken the Bargain Clown Mart hostage.
I’m on the way there now --

Carrie struggles to focus.

CARRIE
You found the -- movie killer?
How many, how many hostages?

KEKO
One.

CARRIE
One?

KEKO
One.

CARRIE
Well, that’s kinda lame.

KEKO
Tell that to the fifty dead customers.

CARRIE
So why you calling me?
I no longer wear the baby blues.
I’m just a civilian,
I haven’t had a bear claw in a week.

KEKO
That might be true.
But our fatal fatale wants you and I
to star in her final flick.
(beat)
Or else she’s gonna kill her last hostage --

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
A news van idles.

KEKO (O.S.)
Live on the 'Action News.'

CARRIE
Stares at the phone. Sighs.

CARRIE
So I guess this is what they call
a ‘wake up call' --

I Love The Smell Of Napalm

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine search teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's apartment and find out where she is ... at the Bargain Clown Mart on Hollywood Boulevard, where she just started shooting up the place ...


INT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
Skinny leads Keko and Valentine down a hallway.

SKINNY MAN
She is a bit odd --
but she always pays her rent on time.
Sometimes early. Real cute.
Looks like Britney.
Has a lot of visitors.
If only I could get that kinda action --

They get to her door.
Skinny fishes out his master key.

SKINNY MAN
(tries to open the door)
Fucking cunt must’ve changed the lock.

KEKO
(looks at Valentine)
I’ve got an idea --

VALENTINE
One, two --

And they KICK DOWN the door -- BANG.

SKINNY MAN
Hey!

KEKO
(hands him his card)
City will pay for it --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Keko, Valentine and Skinny regard the decor.

SKINNY MAN
Ooo. I LOVE what she’s done to the place.
Gotta real queer eye --

KEKO
(to Skinny)
Would you mind leaving us alone for a bit?
Might turn out to be a crime scene.

SKINNY MAN
(goes to the door)
I’ll go make some coffee.

And he leaves.

VALENTINE
I think he likes you.

KEKO
Fuck you.
(looks around)
It looks like that guy’s place
who was caught jerking off in a movie theater.

They start searching the joint.

VALENTINE
Pee-Wee Herman.
Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Loved that show.
Did you know that Cowboy Curtis
was played by a very young Lawrence Fishburn?
(does impression)
I know you are, but what am I? ARRRRGHH!
(beat)
Most people don’t realize that Paul Reubens
is a gifted comic actor who created
a vast array of hilarious characters,
but was unfortunately typecast as Pee-Wee.

KEKO
And you’re going to be typecast
as an asshole who won’t shut the fuck --
(beat)
Hey, check it out.

He points at Sparkle’s pink I-Mac.
On the screen:

TO DO:
Clean weapons.
Shower and change.
Fill the tank.
Take Clown Mart Hostage.
(Arrive at ‘magic hour’ for best coverage.)
Reunite Carrie and Bernie.
Kill them.

KEKO AND VALENTINE
stare at the monitor.

KEKO (CONT'D)
What the fuck is the ‘Clown Mart?’

VALENTINE
Discount store on Hollywood Boulevard.

KEKO
Then let’s go shopping.
Time for the blue light special --

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CHECK OUT REGISTER - MOMENTS LATER
Sparkle stands on the counter top.

With enough firepower
to clog Joel Silver’s arteries.

SPARKLE
Mr. and Mrs. America, and all ships at c-word --
citizens, lend me your fucking ears.
You’re gonna give me what I want,
or I’m gonna starting killing you.
One at a time. Slowly. Painfully.
(beat)
We’re gonna have a lotta fun.

SCARED CASHIER
Please don’t kill me. Please. Take anything.
What do you want? Money? Take the money,
we don’t fucking care, it’s not our money,
take the fuckin’ money!

SPARKLE
I don’t want your fucking money.

STORE MANAGER
Then what do you want?
Just tell us.

SPARKLE
I want you to --
(Pacino as SCARFACE)
Say hello to my ‘lil fren.

She points twin pink Uzis at the hostages.
They start CRYING, SCREAMING.

SPARKLE’S
eyes flutter. Scrunch close.
Major chemistry kicking in.

SPARKLE (CONT’D)
I love the -- smell of napalm --

SCARED WOMAN
Grab her, quick!
She’s on something!
She --

Sparkle’s eyes FLASH open.
The madwoman LOSES IT.

SPARKLE
No! That’s a Bozo no-no!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Bodies HIT the ground with a
WHUMP, THWAP, WUMP, WUMP, WUMP.

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Glass SPRAYS, BREAKS, SMASHES, TINKLES -- CRASHES.

Silence. She smiles a nasty pout.

THE CARNAGE
is complete, total devastation.
Bodies. Blood. Debris.

Except for a PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN (18),
propped up against a wall.

She leans forward, bleeding, confused.
In shock.

CLOSE ON --
A gold necklace on her throat.

Tiny gold-lettered spray of diamonds reads 'Madrid.'
The women stare at each other, searching for --

SPARKLE
Hey. Aren’t you --

MADRID
My father’s gonna have your head
on a pinstripe platter.
Do you realize who the FUCK --

SPARKLE
Of course, bitch, you’re Madrid Marriot,
I love you! You fuckin’ rule!
I love your show!
You still coming out with that
fab line of super-cool tote bags?

MADRID
They’re not fucking TOTES.
They’re rebuilt vintage English saddle bags.
(beat)
Please don’t kill me.
I’m throwing a benefit tonight.

Sparkle lowers her guns.

SPARKLE
Are you kidding?
You’re my hostage, cutie.
You’re gonna be my Patty Hearst.
We’re gonna make herstory.
(beat)
What’s the charity?

MADRID
(startled)
Uh -- COMP.

SPARKLE
What, free tickets?
Hotel rooms?
Vegas slicksters on a binge?

MADRID
It’s for -- Children of Murdered Parents.

PUSH IN ON Sparkle. Delighted.

SPARKLE
Then whadya say we make
a charitable contribution, hot stuff?

Shoplifters Of The World Unite

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine track down teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's hideout on Hollywood Boulevard. Meanwhile, just down the street, Sparkle begins her assault on the Bargain Clown Mart by terrorizing 'smart shoppers' ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
Bernie’s SUV slows, slides into a parking space
in front of a row of storefronts.

The detectives get out.
Walk to a doorway.

Faint club music THUMP-THUMPS
from within.

VALENTINE
It’s the right address.

KEKO
This is a book store.

VALENTINE
Yeah, but check out
the tweaker tunes.
Fits the profile.

Jesus flings his banana peel
onto the sidewalk.

KEKO
Hey.
Someone could slip and fall on that.

VALENTINE
Just like in the cartoons, man.

KEKO
(rings the buzzer)
We’ve checked every
fucking club in Boy’s Town.
I’m starting to feel
guilty by ass-sociation.
Whattaya say if this isn’t it,
we go snag a burger?

VALENTINE
How about -- pizza?

KEKO
(rings again)
The pork thing?

VALENTINE
(shrugs)
Hey.
We’re the pigs.

The door OPENS.
A small, skinny MAN appears.
Boyish in jeans and striped
sleeveless-T.

Perfect, cropped beard.

SKINNY MAN
I’m sorry.
We’re closed on Mondays.

KEKO
(flashes his badge)
Detectives Keko and Valentine.
Can we have a moment of your time?

SKINNY MAN
(eyes flashing)
Honey, you can have more than that.

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - DUSK
The trippy, pretty drone of Morrissey’s
SHOPLIFTERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE.

A warehouse full of cheap,
giant-sized foodstuffs.

'Topsy the Clown' proclaims
TRIPLE COUPON’S SUNDAY.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
The too-brightly lit bottom rung
of retail crap is fairly bustling
with low-rent, food stamp SHOPPERS.

A raggedy, eye-liner smeared EMO KID
grabs a container of FROSTY-WHIP,
and SHOOONK-SHOOONK,
SNORTS it up his nose --

Crumples to the floor, rushing --
white cream on his face.

IN ANOTHER AISLE
a FAT WOMAN picks up a
gallon-sized jar of Cheese Wizzard.

Looks around.
Screws it open.
Dips a finger, tastes. Mmm.

Suddenly -- POP -- and a bullet
CRACKS into the side,
sending it to the floor
with a CRASH.

FAT WOMAN
What the fuck?

AT THE OTHER END OF THE AISLE
is SPARKLE.
Brandishing a pair of pink Uzis.

SPARKLE
Hey, there -- hefty hideaway,
c’mon and join the party.
You like animal balloons? --
cause I’m gonna
tie you up in knots.

THE FAT WOMAN
freezes in her tracks.

SPARKLE
Yo, chubbo.
Got some angry clowns
wanna have a word with you.