I Love The Smell Of Testosterone In The Morning

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular girls discuss their plans for getting revenge on Bettie. Meanwhile, outside in the alley, Bettie gets revenge on closeted gay popular guy Whit ...


INT. SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT

Muffin walks over to Tila and Ronnie,
who are hoving over the punch bowl.

MUFFIN
Greetings, fun-bags. What say ye?

TILA
I’ll tumble for ya.

RONNIE
Do you really want to squirt me?

MUFFIN
In a sec --
(beat)
I just saw Emerald.
She fixed the net so it
would catch Bettie AND Brad.

TILA
Relax my sphincter
and pass me the lube.
That's brilliant.

RONNIE
The Energizer cluster-fuck
just keeps goin’ and goin’ --

MUFFIN
That’s why you love me so much.

RONNIE
We’d do ANYTHING for you Muffin,
you know that.

MUFFIN
Was that ever in doubt?
(sips her drink)
So now that Brad’s out of the picture,
what do you love-dolls think about
getting down at a cheap motel
and playing a little
Spin The Nipple Clamp?

TILA
Ohmigod, I thought you’d NEVER ask.

RONNIE
You mean an Oreo party? Hot damn.
Creamy blonde center, here we come.

MUFFIN
(shrugs)
Well, prom IS supposed to be the
most special night of your life.

TILA
I’ll drink to THAT.

RONNIE
Honey, you’d drink to a car wash opening.

MUFFIN
(raises her glass)
To my sisters in the Saphic arts.

They smile. Toast.
CLINK cups. Take a sip.

MUFFIN
I wonder if the band knows
any Melissa Etheridge --

ON THE STAGE
A Flock Of Haircuts finishes playing.
Lead Singer bows.

Grabs the mike.
Smiles at the crowd.

LEAD SINGER
Thank you, thank you --
thank you very much.
(beat)
And now here’s one of my
personal faves -- from GENESIS.

The band breaks into INVISIBLE TOUCH.
Most of the kids shake
their heads in disgust.

Leave the dance floor,
leaving a smattering of
nerds and geeks dancing ecstatically.

AT THE FRONT ENTRANCE
It’s deserted. Everyone has arrived.
We see a big METAL PIPE being
AMMED across the door handles,
locking everyone in.

Then hear FOOTSTEPS walking away.

BEHIND THE GYM
Bert’s got Whit propped up
against the brick wall.

They’re going at it hot and heavy.
Hands all over each other.

All of a sudden Bert feels
someone pat him on the shoulder.

BETTIE (V.O.)
(low, spooky)
May I cut in?

Bert WHIPS his head around.
Looks. Doesn’t see anyone.

BERT
Who’s THERE?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I love the smell of testosterone
in the morning.

WHIT
Oh, shit. It’s BETTIE.

BERT
Bettie. Listen, we’re really sorry.

WHIT
Please don’t hurt us.

Suddenly Bert gets LIFTED UP IN THE AIR --

BERT
HEY. What are you DOING?

BETTIE (V.O.)
Wanna LIFT?

And THROWN into a nearby EMPTY DUMPSTER.
He lands inside, BANG.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Two POINTS.

Whit puts his hands
in front of him, pleading.

WHIT
Bettie, PLEASE.
You can’t HURT ME, I’m GAY.
If you hurt me, it’s a HATE CRIME.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Oh, YEAH? And what was FUCKING WITH ME?
A FAT CRIME?

WHIT
What? No, WAIT. Please.
Let’s TALK about this.
We’re the same, really --

BETTIE (V.O.)
We’re not the SAME.
You could hide what YOU are --
but I couldn’t.
You’re no BETTER than me.
In fact, you’re WORSE,
you fucking PHONY.

Whit gets LIFTED IN THE AIR --

WHIT
Omigod, NO --

And THROWN into the dumpster, BANG.
We hear footsteps walk over --
and the lid SLAMS down. BANG.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Whoops. Looks like someone forgot
to take out THE WHITE TRASH.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

The back door OPENS.

BETTIE
Sin never DIES.

And then closes behind her.