Catch Of The Day

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, overweight teen Bettie Bee gets crowned prom queen, with deadly results ...


INT. SCHOOL GYM - STAGE - NIGHT
The band finishes playing.
Muffin comes into view stage right.

Goes to a microphone on a stand.
Leans into it.

MUFFIN
Hey there, hep-cats and devil-dogs.
Everybody having a GOOD TIME?

The crowd ROARS its approval.

MUFFIN
Now’s the moment
you’ve all been waiting for.
It’s time to crown the
King and Queen of the PROM --

More APPLAUSE.

MUFFIN
First I’d like to present to you,
our KING -- Brad Stifle.

WHOOPS of applause and excitement
as Brad appears from the other side
and takes his place center-stage.

He’s wearing a crown.
And a big smile.
He waves at the crowd. Nods.

MUFFIN
Now as I’m sure you all know,
some of us were a little mean
to our fellow classmate Bettie Bee --
so as a way to make it up to her,
we decided to crown her PROM QUEEN.

Hushed MURMURING from the crowd.

HART AND LANE
Watch Muffin with interest.
Sip their drinks.

HART
I don’t have a good feeling about this.

LANE
Yeah. They’re up to something.

MUFFIN
Smiles brightly at the crowd.

MUFFIN
Aw, c’mon now.
Don’t be like that.
Bettie’s a nice girl.
And we all know she’s
probably feeling a little lost now,
being invisible and all --

BACKSTAGE
Emerald holds the rope connected
to the bucket and the net.

MUFFIN
Takes a giant bouquet of
flowers from someone backstage.
Starts walking over to where Brad is.

MUFFIN
So, Bettie -- would you please come up
and accept your bouquet and crown --
and be our PROM QUEEN?

Silence. Everybody looks
at the stage expectantly.

Muffin peers around,
looking in vain for
something she can’t see.

MUFFIN
C’mon, Bettie. Don’t be shy.

Suddenly Muffin DROPS the bouquet.
GRABS the sides of her neck.
Face turns RED. Starts GAGGING.

MUFFIN
GAAA --

BETTIE (V.O.)
You think I’d just walk
right into your TRAP?
Well, the joke’s on YOU.

Muffin’s head WHIPS to the side.
Her neck SNAPS.

She FALLS to the stage, THWUNK,
a ruined Barbie doll.

People start SCREAMING.
Brad stares, in shock.
Unable to move.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Whoops, don’t know my own STRENGTH.

BACKSTAGE
Emerald stares, speechless.
Then snaps out of it.

YANKS on the rope,
spilling the bucket
of fake blood onto --

BETTIE
DRENCHING her -- making her visible.
The crowd GASPS.

A DORKY KID
Points. Scared shitless.

DORKY KID
It’s BETTIE --

BETTIE
GRABS Brad, PULLS him to the side,
CRACKS his neck, then THROWS
him down where she was standing, THWUMP.

The net FLIES down on him.
Then YANKS him up into the air.

BETTIE
Hey, LOOK.
It’s the CATCH OF THE DAY.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

A girl SCREAMS.

PRINCIPAL CHUBB
Stares in utter horror.

PRINCIPAL CHUBB
What do you think you’re DOING?

HART AND LANE
Start RUNNING toward the stage,
guns drawn.

BETTIE
Sees them. RUNS backstage.
RACES over to the FIREHOSE.

Opens the glass case. GRABS it.
Pulls it out. Turns on the water.

A stream starts GUSHING OUT.
She RUNS back onstage --

Just in time to SPRAY Hart and Lane,
who FLY BACK off the stage
and HIT the floor.

THE CROWD
In the gym SCREAMS and
RUNS for the exit.

But it’s LOCKED.
They start POUNDING on the door.

STRANGE-LOOKING GUY
Open up, OPEN UP.

BUSTY YOUNG CHICK
PLEASE. Somebody let us OUT OF HERE --

I Love The Smell Of Testosterone In The Morning

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular girls discuss their plans for getting revenge on Bettie. Meanwhile, outside in the alley, Bettie gets revenge on closeted gay popular guy Whit ...


INT. SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT

Muffin walks over to Tila and Ronnie,
who are hoving over the punch bowl.

MUFFIN
Greetings, fun-bags. What say ye?

TILA
I’ll tumble for ya.

RONNIE
Do you really want to squirt me?

MUFFIN
In a sec --
(beat)
I just saw Emerald.
She fixed the net so it
would catch Bettie AND Brad.

TILA
Relax my sphincter
and pass me the lube.
That's brilliant.

RONNIE
The Energizer cluster-fuck
just keeps goin’ and goin’ --

MUFFIN
That’s why you love me so much.

RONNIE
We’d do ANYTHING for you Muffin,
you know that.

MUFFIN
Was that ever in doubt?
(sips her drink)
So now that Brad’s out of the picture,
what do you love-dolls think about
getting down at a cheap motel
and playing a little
Spin The Nipple Clamp?

TILA
Ohmigod, I thought you’d NEVER ask.

RONNIE
You mean an Oreo party? Hot damn.
Creamy blonde center, here we come.

MUFFIN
(shrugs)
Well, prom IS supposed to be the
most special night of your life.

TILA
I’ll drink to THAT.

RONNIE
Honey, you’d drink to a car wash opening.

MUFFIN
(raises her glass)
To my sisters in the Saphic arts.

They smile. Toast.
CLINK cups. Take a sip.

MUFFIN
I wonder if the band knows
any Melissa Etheridge --

ON THE STAGE
A Flock Of Haircuts finishes playing.
Lead Singer bows.

Grabs the mike.
Smiles at the crowd.

LEAD SINGER
Thank you, thank you --
thank you very much.
(beat)
And now here’s one of my
personal faves -- from GENESIS.

The band breaks into INVISIBLE TOUCH.
Most of the kids shake
their heads in disgust.

Leave the dance floor,
leaving a smattering of
nerds and geeks dancing ecstatically.

AT THE FRONT ENTRANCE
It’s deserted. Everyone has arrived.
We see a big METAL PIPE being
AMMED across the door handles,
locking everyone in.

Then hear FOOTSTEPS walking away.

BEHIND THE GYM
Bert’s got Whit propped up
against the brick wall.

They’re going at it hot and heavy.
Hands all over each other.

All of a sudden Bert feels
someone pat him on the shoulder.

BETTIE (V.O.)
(low, spooky)
May I cut in?

Bert WHIPS his head around.
Looks. Doesn’t see anyone.

BERT
Who’s THERE?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I love the smell of testosterone
in the morning.

WHIT
Oh, shit. It’s BETTIE.

BERT
Bettie. Listen, we’re really sorry.

WHIT
Please don’t hurt us.

Suddenly Bert gets LIFTED UP IN THE AIR --

BERT
HEY. What are you DOING?

BETTIE (V.O.)
Wanna LIFT?

And THROWN into a nearby EMPTY DUMPSTER.
He lands inside, BANG.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Two POINTS.

Whit puts his hands
in front of him, pleading.

WHIT
Bettie, PLEASE.
You can’t HURT ME, I’m GAY.
If you hurt me, it’s a HATE CRIME.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Oh, YEAH? And what was FUCKING WITH ME?
A FAT CRIME?

WHIT
What? No, WAIT. Please.
Let’s TALK about this.
We’re the same, really --

BETTIE (V.O.)
We’re not the SAME.
You could hide what YOU are --
but I couldn’t.
You’re no BETTER than me.
In fact, you’re WORSE,
you fucking PHONY.

Whit gets LIFTED IN THE AIR --

WHIT
Omigod, NO --

And THROWN into the dumpster, BANG.
We hear footsteps walk over --
and the lid SLAMS down. BANG.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Whoops. Looks like someone forgot
to take out THE WHITE TRASH.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

The back door OPENS.

BETTIE
Sin never DIES.

And then closes behind her.

Dirty Deeds, Done Skirt Cheap

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 37 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular kids plot their revenge on the invisible Bettie Bee. Meanwhile, Bettie's science professor father Bernard huddles with Nobel Prize laureate Fleming Perkins monitor the action from the sidelines ...


INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - STAGE - NIGHT
A Flock of Haircuts plays Alison Moyet’s INVISIBLE.

HOT CHICK KEYBOARD PLAYER
(sings)
Invisible, you treat me like I’m invisible --

NEAR THE PUNCH TABLE
Tila and Ronnie sip from plastic cups.
Ronnie makes a face.

RONNIE
I can barely TASTE it.
How am I supposed to get fuck-faced?

TILA
It’s vodka, Little Miss Fun-Time --
you’re not supposed to taste it.
And it’s 'shit-faced.'

RONNIE
You’ve never seen ME get drunk.

Emerald walks up to them.

EMERALD
Hey there, girlies.
I can’t find Muffin.
Will you tell her we’re all set?

They smile. Nod.

TILA
Dirty deeds, done skirt cheap.

RONNIE
Let there be wood.

EMERALD
This little piggy’s gonna
ride the crimson tsunami
right into our clutches.

TILA
(raises her cup)
It’s a slutty job,
but someone’s gotta screw it.

RONNIE
(raises hers)
The few. The proud. The shaved.

Emerald grabs a cup of punch. Raises it.

EMERALD
To protect and swerve.

And they DOWN THEM.

EMERALD
See you at the apocalypse --

Then heads off to her position.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Bernard and Fleming
stand near an ambulance.

Bernard fingers a number
on his cell phone. Listens.

BERNARD
Officer Diamond?
It’s professor Bee.
We’re here outside --
(listens)
Okay, thanks.
(hangs up, to Fleming)
They’re inside watching for her.

FLEMING
(nods)
Let the games begin.

They both gaze wistfully at the gym,
listening to the music.

BERNARD
Didn’t go to my prom --

He looks at Fleming inquisitively.
Raises an eyebrow.

FLEMING
You’re kidding, right?
In this fucking wheelchair?

A Flock Of Haircuts

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular kids start preparing to get their revenge. Meanwhile, chaperones Hart Klavan and Lane Diamond secretly spike the punch ...


EXT. VENISON HIGH GYM - NIGHT
Prom Night. We see a big banner
on the side of the gym that reads
A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER
in big, glittery lettering.

A line of LIMOS is parked in front.
Eager, excited GUYS IN TUXES and
GIRLS IN GOWNS spill out onto the sidewalk.
Walking in pairs toward the entrance.

INT. VENISON HIGH GYM - NIGHT
The joint’s been decorated
within an inch of it’s life
in some over-the-top party explosion.

Scores of glittering silver
stars hang down from the rafters.

A big DISCO BALL spins around and around,
sending shards of bright light
flying around the room.

On the stage is A Flock Of Haircuts,
a group of slightly older kids
dressed in exaggerated eighties drag.

Right now they’re doing a decent cover
of Oingo Boingo’s DEAD MAN’S PARTY.

The LEAD SINGER (late 20’s)
waves his arms like a banshee.
Acting out some imaginary music video.

The joint is packed.
Kids are dancing, having fun.

They finish the song. Everyone CLAPS.
The HOT CHICK KEYBOARD PLAYER
(late 20’s) leans into the mike.

HOT CHICK KEYBOARD PLAYER
HEY. Anybody wanna do some DREAMING?
(beat)
Dreaming is free --

They start playing the Blondie song.
The crowd ERUPTS, starts
dancing their asses off.

UP IN THE RAFTERS
Brad and Emerald look inside a bucket
sitting on a beam tied to a rope
leading down to the stage.

EMERALD
It’s what they use in the movies.
I couldn’t get pig’s blood.
(off his look)
Venison doesn’t HAVE a slaughterhouse --

BRAD
It’ll work. Nobody will be
able to tell the difference.

He points at a net piled up
next to the bucket.

BRAD
What about the net?

EMERALD
It comes down at the same time.

BRAD
Perfect. Gonna catch us
some invisible bitch.
(eyes her)
So, listen.
Muffin’s still mad at me.
What are you doing afterwards?

EMERALD
In your dreams, jock-strap.
You’ll never know MY splendor.

OUTSIDE BEHIND THE GYM
Bert and Whit smoke a joint.
Both of them dateless.

BERT
(passes it)
This is good shit. Hydro?

WHIT
(takes it)
Nah. From the ground. Much better.
More full-bodied. Cleaner high. Lasts longer.

BERT
(nods)
Gimme a shotgun?

WHIT
Sure --

He puts the joint
in his mouth backwards.
Leans in close.

Blows a stream of smoke
into Bert’s mouth.

He sucks it in. They lock eyes.
Whit takes the joint out. Kisses him.

Bert starts COUGHING.
Whit pulls away. Freaked.

WHIT
I’m sorry, man. Just fucking with ya.

BERT
(low, throaty)
Come here --

He leans in. Starts kissing him.

IN A DARK CORNER
Stand Lane and Hart, looking
out of place in formal wear.
Lane takes a sip of punch. Smiles.

HART
They spike it?

LANE
A little bit.

Hart pulls a flask out of his pocket.
Pours some in her cup.

HART
Now it’s a lotta bit --

The Prisoner

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan and rookie cop Lane Diamond supervise Lonny's arrest, then get up close and personal ...


INT. VENISON POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Pale-puke walls. The usual shitty,
out-of-date institutional ambiance.

A UNIFORMED OFFICER
leads Lonny into a cell.

Closes the barred door.
Locks it. Nods. Shuffles away.

Lane and Hart stand nearby, watching.
See how freaked out he is.
Hart walks up to the bars.

HART
You did real good, Lonny.
Just keep your head up.
It’s going to be okay.

LONNY
How long will I have to stay here?

HART
Your uncle will be
here in the morning.
Then he’ll post bail
and you’ll be released.

Lonny nods.
Looks like he’s about to cry.

LANE
Don’t be scared.
It’s just one night.

LONNY
Okay. Thanks.

HART
Can we get you anything to eat?

PUSH IN ON Lonny’s face.
Starving. Relieved.

LONNY
Could you get me some --
American Burger?

EXT. VENISON POLICE HEADQUARTER - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Hart walks over to his car.
Presses the auto-lock with a THWIP.

He opens the door.
Starts to get in.

LANE (V.O.)
You were really great with Lonny.

Reveal LANE. Standing nearby.
Fidgeting awkwardly.

HART
(turns, sees her, smiles)
Thanks --
(sighs)
Hopefully this’ll scare
the shit out of him,
get his act together.
(off her look)
What’s wrong? You okay?

LANE
I -- owe you an apology.

HART
What for?

LANE
I lied when I said I was gay.
(off his look)
I say that to keep men away.
After years of being abused
by guys, I don’t trust them.
(beat)
I mean, I’m bi -- but I DO date guys.

HART
Are you hitting on me?

LANE
Hell, no.

He narrows his eyes.
Lips curl into a hint of a smile.

HART
Why don’t we go grab a cup of coffee.
Talk about the prom.

LANE
You mean --

HART
Relax. Strictly business.
So don’t be expecting
a corsage or anything --

Emergency Room

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie's scientist father Bernard prepares to give her a blood transfusion to save her life, but then gets terrified when he discovers she's been voted prom queen ...


EXT. VENISON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Your typical establishing shot of
a picture-perfect suburban hospital.

SQUIRRELS play in the manicured grounds.
A friendly-looking NURSE pushes a
SMILING PATIENT in a wheel chair.

INT. VENISON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Quiet at this hour.
A PLUMP NURSE works at her station.

Bernard, Fleming Perkins and a
PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
stand nearby chatting.

Puffy, Cherubic nods
his head thoughtfully.

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
We’ll cooperate in any way we can.
(smiles at Fleming)
I’m a big fan, Mr. Perkins.
I greatly enjoyed your book
A Lengthy History Of Science.

BERNARD
Her blood type is O-Negative.
Do you have enough
for a complete transfusion?

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
I think so. I’ll have to check.
If not, we can call
the nearby hospitals.

FLEMING
We’re also going to
need complete privacy.
If word of this gets
leaked to the media --

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
Of course, of course.
You have my word.
What time should we
expect her arrival?

BERNARD
Well, that’s the tricky part --

His cell phone RINGS.
He answers it.

BERNARD
This is Bernard Bee.
(listens)
You DID?
(listens)
Oh, DEAR.
(listens)
At a fast food restaurant?
I see.
(listens)
PROM QUEEN?
(listens)
I see.
Thank you for the update.
(listens)
I’m at the hospital,
making preparations for
her blood transfusion.
(listens)
It’s the only way
we can save her.
(listens)
Okay. Thank you. Goodbye.

He hangs up.
Looks at Stephen and Puffy.

BERNARD
That was the police.
They have good news
and bad news.

FLEMING
What’s the bad news?

BERNARD
They found Bettie --
but she escaped.

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
And the good news?

PUSH IN ON Bernard’s face.
Eyes bright with emotion.

BERNARD
She was elected prom queen.
(beat)
God help us all --

A Night To Dismember

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie discovers that she is going to be crowned prom queen, and realizes it must be a trap. Meanwhile, the popular kids plot their revenge on her on prom night ...


EXT. ELECTRONIC STORE - NIGHT
The wall of TV’s show a familiar face.
It’s Muffin. Being interviewed by
the local TV news in front of the school.

MUFFIN
Well, Dirk -- the prom committee decided
to shake things up a bit this year --
so we’re going to announce who
the prom king and queen are -- right now.
(beat)
Omigod, I’m so excited I could
totally hurl my McFlurry.

DIRK JOE (30’s), local reporter extraordinaire
holds a mike in front of her. Smarmy smile.
Cheap suit. Decent rug.

DIRK
That’s quite the visual image, Muffin --

MUFFIN
LOL.

Pause.

DIRK
So?

MUFFIN
So --

DIRK
The prom king and queen?

MUFFIN
Oh. Right. Sorry.
(stares in the camera with big eyes)
I’ve never been on TV before.
Can I use this for my sizzle reel?

DIRK
I don’t see why not.

MUFFIN
Super. Okay.
(nods excitedly)
The prom king and queen for
Venison High’s ‘Night to Dismember’ are --
(dramatic pause)
Brad Stifle and Bettie Bee.

BETTIE’S APRON AND BAG OF FOOD
Stand in front of the window
full of TV’s. In shock.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’m prom queen?
(beat)
They must really think I’m STUPID.
Like I wouldn’t realize it’s a TRAP?

She ROARS with laughter.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’ll show THEM --

INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM - NIGHT
The prom committee sits around the room.
Brad and Muffin stand at the
head of the class, arguing. Red-faced.

BRAD
I TOLD you, we were working
on a HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT.

MUFFIN
Bull-SHIT.
You were ANTHONY WEINERING her.

BRAD
Jesus Christ on a hotdog
nailed to a stick, Muffin. She’s DEAD.
Could you just CHILL with the accusations?
You’re the only fox for me.
(sings)
The Foxy fox on the run,
you scream and everybody comes --

MUFFIN
That’s NOT going to work
this time, retro-boy.
We’ll talk about this LATER.

An uncomfortable silence in the room.

EMERALD
You were really great on TV, Muffin.

TILA
Yeah, maybe now you can get a deal
for your reality show.

RONNIE
The Unreal Cheerleaders of Venison High.

BERT
Hell, yeah.
I’d Tivo the hell outta that sucker.

WHIT
Will there be the requisite amount
of gratuitous tits and ass?

MUFFIN
Calm down, horny goat-weeds.
The show isn’t just
a display of female flesh --
it’s also a scathing expose of
the deadening ennui of
upper-middle-class suburbia.

BRAD
Alright, alright --
enough about your goddamn TV SHOW.
We have to get our glutes in gear
and start setting up.
Status reports?

EMERALD
(looks at Tila and Ronnie)
We got all the decorations.
We just need everyone’s help
putting them up.

MUFFIN
Solid.

BRAD
(to Bert)
How are the refreshments coming along?

BERT
The teachers are handling
the punch and cookies --

He pulls a gallon of cheap vodka
out of his knapsack.

BERT
And I’ve got the spike that refreshes.

MUFFIN
Nice. What’s your liver damage?
(to Whit)
You got that band you told us about, right?

WHIT
Uh, no -- sorry.
Skull Bong broke up.

BRAD
But they were the best
death-metal band in TOWN.

MUFFIN
Not to mention the only one --

WHIT
Not to worry. I got another band.
(dramatic flourish)
A Flock Of Haircuts.

BRAD
Ohmigod. Not that cheesy
eighties synth-pop band --

WHIT
Sorry. Best I could do on short notice.

MUFFIN
I’m sure they’ll wake us up
before they go-go.
(CLAP-CLAPS her hands)
Okay, people. Let’s get TO WORK.
Looks like we’re gonna
have to pull an all-nighter
if we’re gonna rock the prom.

BRAD
A Night To Dismember -- Bettie Bee.

PUSH IN ON Muffin’s face.
Bugging her eyes out.

MUFFIN
(imitates Sissy Spacek)
It was bad, Momma.
(beat)
They LAUGHED at me --

Unhappy Meal

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, it's a fast food clusterfuck of epic proportions when Bettie stops by American Burger and starts fucking with the counter help, the customers ... and the burgers ...


EXT. STRIP MALL - NIGHT
The usual crap. Check cashing joint.
Convenience store. Liquor emporium.

Fast food restaurants. An electronic store
with a wall of TV’s in the window.
We hear footsteps --

BETTIE (V.O.)
Hungry. Need to EAT.

The footsteps stop in front of the TV display.

ON TV
Is a commercial for American Burger.
A group of wildly grinning kids,
like outta some demented GLEE from hell
sing and dance while holding hamburgers.

BIG-CHESTED BLONDE CHEERLEADER
So when you want a tasty treat --

GAP-TOOTHED RETARDED KID IN WHEELCHAIR
And you’re stomach’s craving American meat --

BLACK ATHLETIC TYPE
Then get your butt to the
place that can’t be beat --

HOT ASIAN SMART CHICK WEARING GLASSES
Because American Burger is the place to eat --

SMILING LATIN GUY DRESSED LIKE A VALET
That makes you dance with HAPPY FEET.

Smiling Latin Guy breaks out into
a big tap-dance number.

The other kids start chowing down
and cheering him on.

EXT. AMERICAN BURGER RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Footsteps CLOMP-CLOMP up to the door.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’m gonna have me a bunch of burgers,
some fries, a few shakes --

The door OPENS -- and the footsteps CLOMP in.

AT THE COUNTER
The place is dead. A couple of
PIMPLY-FACED KIDS hover over a smart-phone.
Point and squeal.

ACNE-SCARRED NERDY GUY
And here’s a shot of her sticking her ass
out the limo MOON-ROOF --

MOUTH-BREATHING FAT CHICK
My GOD. It’s bigger than it is on TV --

BETTIE (V.O.)
Can I get a dozen Freedom Burgers,
six orders of Homeland Fries
and four chocolate Liberty Shakes?

ACNE-SCARRED NERDY GUY
(spooked)
Who’s there --

MOUTH-BREATHING FAT CHICK
What was that?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I SAID -- I WANT A DOZEN FREEDOM BURGERS,
SIX ORDERS OF HOMELAND FRIES AND
FOUR FUCKING CHOCOLATE LIBERTY SHAKES. NOW.

ACNE-SCARRED NERDY GUY
What the fuck? Is this a joke?
Is that you, Reggie?

Bettie GRABS Acne-Scarred by the shirt collar.
Starts SHAKING HIM violently.

BETTIE (V.O.)
LISTEN, retard. I WANT MY FOOD, NOW.

ACNE-SCARRED NERDY GUY
HEY. Wh-what’s going ON?

Mouth-Breather starts freaking out.
She SCREAMS and RUNS to the back of the store.
We hear a door SLAM.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Are you gonna get my FOOD,
or do I have to get it MYSELF?

ACNE-SCARRED NERDY GUY
I -- don’t -- who --
(GASPS)
Who’s there?

Bettie THROWS him across the room.
He HITS the window with a CRACK.
Falls to the floor in a heap, THWUMP.

We hear Bettie JUMP over the counter.
A YOUNG COUPLE on a date come in.
They saunter up to the counter.

BLAND-LOOKING DORKY GUY
I’m gonna have some cheese-rinds --

VACANT-FACED PONYTAILED DRONE
Ooh, I love those. Let’s see --
(reads the menu)
And I’m gonna get some, uh -- fat-sticks.

BLAND-LOOKING DORKY GUY
Mmm. Me, too. I wanna try their
new dipping sauce -- egg cream.
(looks around)
Hey. Is anybody here? We’d like to order.

AT THE BACK GRILL
Bettie now wears an apron.
We see a bunch of burgers on the grill.

One by one, they get flipped,
then tossed onto buns.

AT THE COUNTER
Bland-Looking and Vacant-Faced
look around. Puzzled.

VACANT-FACED PONYTAILED DRONE
Hello. We’re WAITING --

IN THE BACK
A row of MILKSHAKES get poured.

Lids get POPPED on them.
AT THE COUNTER

Bland and Vacant look at each other.
VERY annoyed.

BLAND-LOOKING DORKY GUY
This is ridiculous. C’mon -- let’s go over
to Captain Roger’s Fish and Chunks.

Just as they turn to go, a GIANT BAG OF FOOD
hovers in the air above Bettie’s apron,
then FLIES over the counter --

and heads toward the door,
along with Bettie’s FOOTSTEPS.

Bland and Vacant stare. Open-mouthed.

BETTIE (V.O.)
What’s the matter? Cat got your gut?
Why do you think they call it FAST FOOD?
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA -- !

The door OPENS, and the apron,
bag and the footsteps leave.

ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE
Bettie’s apron CLOMPS down the pavement
with the bag FLYING through the air.
A burger POPS OUT and disappears.

BETTIE (V.O.)
So when you want a tasty treat --`
(a bag of fries FLIES OUT,
then gets eaten)
And you’re stomach’s craving
American meat --
(a milkshake FLIES UP)
Then get your butt to the place
that can’t be beat --
(gets SUCKED DOWN)
Because American Burger
is the place to eat --
(BURPS)
That makes you dance with HAPPY FEET.

The apron does a little jig,
and the footsteps CLOMP-CLOMP
like the commercial.

She breaks out into INSANE LAUGHTER.

Stinking To High Heaven

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan and rookie cop Lane Diamond discover Lonny's father's dead body and grill him about Bettie's whereabouts ...


INT. LONNY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Frank’s body lies on the floor.
Arms up in the air at a
forty-five degree angle.

Lonny stares. About to lose it.

BETTIE (V.O.)
C’mon. You take the legs --

LONNY
I -- can’t.
(beat)
That’s my DAD.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Not ANYMORE he’s not.
Right now he’s a dead, bloated
mass of flesh that pretty soon
is going to start
stinking to high heaven.

LONNY
I know, but -- but --

BETTIE (V.O.)
But WHAT?
You want somebody to FIND him?

LONNY
No, of course not. It’s just --

The doorbell RINGS.
He WHIPS his head toward the front door.

LONNY
Who could that be at THIS hour?

Lonny’s dad’s arms DROP.
We hear Bettie’s footsteps
go to the front door. Then silence.
The footsteps come back to Lonny.

BETTIE (V.O.)
It’s the fucking COPS.
I TOLD you we needed to MOVE him.

LONNY
What are we gonna do NOW?

The doorbell RINGS again.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I don’t know about you,
but I’m getting the hell OUTTA here.

LONNY
But you can’t just -- leave.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Just WATCH me.
(giggles)
Oh, yeah -- that’s right. You CAN’T.
(beat)
See you in the FUNNY PAPERS.

We see her footsteps in the carpet
RACE back toward the kitchen.

Then hear them SLAP on the linoleum.
A door SLAMS.

The doorbell RINGS again.

LONNY
Shit.

OUTSIDE
Hart and Lane look at each other.

HART
I heard voices.

LANE
So did I.

Hart BANGS on the door with his fist.

HART
Lonny Schmerzler.
This is THE POLICE.
OPEN THE DOOR. NOW.

The door opens. Lonny appears.
White as a ghost.

LONNY
Please. You gotta help me.
I didn’t do it.

LANE
Do what?

LONNY
It’s -- my father.
H-he -- had a heart attack.

LANE
We know Bettie’s here, Lonny.

HART
Please stand aside, son.

Lonny nods. Turns around.
Leads them into the house.

INT. LONNY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hart, Lane and Lonny
stand near the body.
Starting at it.

HART
Do you know what caused it?

LONNY
He saw Bettie, and --

HART
Wait. How could he see her?

LONNY
She was eating ice cream
and got it all over her face.

LANE
(looks at the scanner)
SHIT. The reading stopped. She’s GONE.

HART
Where did she go, Lonny?

LONNY
I don’t know.
She saw it was you at the door --
and she, she ran away.

HART
Do you realize how much trouble
you’re in, young man?

LONNY
Yes, sir.

LANE
Let’s go sit on the couch.
I want to hear the whole story,
from the beginning.

He sits.
Looks like he’s about to cry.

Lane sits down next to him.
Takes out her notebook.
Gives him a hopeful smile.

Hart takes out his cell phone.
Moves away. Dials a number.

LANE
So --

LONNY
(sighs)
I was in class a couple days ago,
and I got a text message from Bettie
saying she needed my help --

Element Of Surprise

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan and rookie cop Lane Diamond decide to visit murder suspect Bettie Bee's best friend Lonny Schmerzler and put the screws to him ...


INT. HART’S UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MOVING - NIGHT
Hart drives down the street.
Lane points the laser-tracker
out her window.

Looks at the LCD display.

HART
So I decided to string together
several short stories I’ve written
about the same private eye,
and realized I had
the start of a NOVEL --

Lane stares the device.
Shakes her head.

HART
I’m sorry. I’m boring you.
When I start talking
about my writing, I tend
to get carried away.

LANE
No, no -- it’s okay.
(sighs)
It’s just -- this is like
trying to find a beer
at an AA meeting.

HART
Tell you what.
In the morning we’ll get
the addresses of all her
classmates and go
by their houses.
Sound good?

LANE
That narrows it down a bit --
to only a few hundred places.

He stops at an intersection.
Lane looks at the street sign.

LANE
Hey. Wait a minute.

HART
What?

LANE
We’re right near
her best friend’s house,
Lonny Schmerzler.

HART
Yeah?

LANE
Well, we didn’t really
get to question him.
We got called over
to that crime scene --
(beat)
And is it just me,
or didn’t he seem
a little -- off?
(off his look)
And isn’t kind of a
coincidence that he was
just getting home
right after the murder?

HART
You have a hunch?
A feeling in your gut?
LANE
(carefully)
Yeah --

HART
That’s the mark of
a good cop, officer Diamond.
There might be hope for you yet.

LANE
You mean?

HART
(turns the wheel)
Let’s go pay him
a little visit.

LANE
Isn’t it kind of late?

HART
Element of surprise,
officer Diamond.
(beat)
Element of surprise --

Rabbit-Forming

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan, rookie patrolwoman Lane Diamond and Bettie's father Bernard conduct an experiment that reveals that not only has Bernard's formula made Bettie invisible, it will also kill her. Meanwhile, Bettie and Lonny get busy in the bedroom ...


INT. UNIVERSITY LAB - NIGHT
Hart and Lane stand
next to Bernard and Fleming.

Lane holds the laser-tracker
in her palm.

LANE
So I just point and aim it?

BERNARD
Indeed. It tracks a low-level
radioactive isotope in the formula.

HART
Pretty fancy stuff.

BERNARD
Please, you must hurry.
We need to find her right away.
We don’t have much time.

HART
Why do you say that?

FLEMING
We’ve just discovered that
the formula slowly makes
the person who took it go insane --
and then KILLS them.

Suddenly the rabbit cage
starts BANGING behind them.

LANE
What’s THAT?

BERNARD
Bugs. A rabbit I gave the formula to.
He’s become QUITE
unstable, very agitated --
and his appetite has
gone out of control.
(beat)
Which would explain
my poor daughter’s behavior.
I assure you she normally
wouldn’t harm a fly.

The BANGING gets LOUDER.

HART
What’s happening now?

BERNARD
He does this when he wants to eat.
He’ll bang his head on the cage
until he’s exhausted
and then passes out.

LANE
Then why don’t you feed him?

BERNARD
Because today he’s already
eaten what a normal
animal would in a week.
I simply can’t.
His stomach would explode.
(beat)
Please. You must hurry.
Time is of the essence.
If we don’t give her
a blood transfusion
within the next twenty-four
hours, she’ll die.

The banging stops. They all look.
Bernard goes to the cage.
Puts on a heavy glove.

Slowly, carefully opens a small door.
Puts his hand in. Feels around.

BERNARD
Oh, dear.

HART
What’s wrong?

PUSH IN ON Bernard’s face. Freaked out.

BERNARD
He’s -- dead.

INT. LONNY’S FATHER’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lonny lies in bed with a big smile
on his face smoking a cigarette.

Next to him is a giant
Cosco-sized box of cookies.

One by one, they FLY UP
out of the box and disappear.

LONNY
That was -- incredible.

BETTIE (V.O.)
You came in like two seconds.

LONNY
It was my first time.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Gee, you think so?

He frowns. Stares off into space.
Thinking. Then remembers.

LONNY
My father --

BETTIE (V.O.)
(ominous)
Ah, yes.
We have to figure out
how to dispose of him.

LONNY
What do you mean?

BETTIE (V.O.)
Well, we can’t just let him rot
on the living room floor
like a beached whale --
(beat)
BWAHAHAHA --

Higher Learning

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, the cops get access to a laser device that will make them able to track the invisible Bettie Bee. Meanwhile, Bettie scares Lonny's father so bad he gets a heart attack and dies ...


INT. GRETCHEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
POLICE CRIME SCENE TECHS
swarm the room gathering evidence.

Lane and Hart examine Gretchen’s body,
her head still stuck
on the edge of the aquarium.
Blood everywhere.

HART
Her MO seems to have escalated --

LANE
From pranks into premeditated murder.

HART
I’ll call forensics again. They MUST
be able to trace who posted those videos.

LANE
What’s taking them so long?

HART
The user ID is anonymous, and it’s
connected to a dormant email address.

Lane’s cell phone RINGS.
She fishes it out. Answers it.

LANE
This is officer Diamond.
(listens)
Mr. Bee.
(listens)
A laser? Really?
We’ll be right there.
(listens)
No, thank YOU.
She CLICKS the phone shut.
Smiles at Hart.

HART
What’s up?

LANE
He just made some kind of laser device
that we can use to find her.
Something in the formula can be tracked.

HART
Now we’re talking. Where is he?

LANE
Over at the university.

HART
Then let’s go get some higher learning.

INT. LONNY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Lonny sits on the couch
working his smart phone.

We see an indentation
on the cushion next to him.

On the coffee table is a
HUGE selection of food.
Enough to feed a large family.

There’s a small mountain of
miniature frozen hamburgers.

One of them FLIES UP in the air.
We hear a GULP, and it disappears.
Then another. And another. And another --

LONNY
Did you even nuke those?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I like ‘em FROZEN.
Cooking is for LOSERS.

Lonny sighs. Fingers FLY
across the keyboard. We hear a BEEP.

LONNY
Okay. Video is UP.
(nasty chuckle)
Just wait till they get a load of THAT.

A whole turkey lifts up from its plate.
It DISINTEGRATES in a BUZZSAW
of flying food and bones.

Then, a loud BURP.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Finger-fucking GOOD.

LONNY
This is like that movie Heathers.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Never saw it.

LONNY
Oh, it’s great.
Christian Slater and Winona Ryder
play these lovers who
kill the popular kids.
You’d LOVE it.

A gallon container of
ice cream LIFTS UP.

A LOUD SUCKING SOUND
as it gets wolfed down.
It gets tossed to the side.

We now see Bettie’s face,
covered with ice cream.

BETTIE
Ahh. Neapolitan DYNO-MITE.
(BURPS)
Vote for PEDRO. BWAHAHAHAHA --

LONNY
Hey. I can SEE you.

BETTIE
What?

LONNY
Your face.
It’s covered with ice cream.
I can see you.

BETTIE
What do you want, a MEDAL?

LONNY
I just meant it’s great to see you.

BETTIE
WHY?

LONNY
Because you’re the most
beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.

BETTIE
What’s THAT supposed to mean?
You trying to get IN MY PANTS?

The front door OPENS.
In walks FRANK SCHMERZLER (50’s),
Lonny’s dad.

Even BIGGER than Lonny.
Carrying a suitcase.

He sees Lonny. Lonny JUMPS UP.
Hides Bettie with his girth.

LONNY
Dad. You’re home early --

FRANK
(sees the mess)
What the hell is going on here?
There’s food all over the LIVING ROOM.

LONNY
Sorry, dad. I can explain.
I had a few friends over --

FRANK
That’s no EXCUSE.
want you to clean this mess up RIGHT NOW,
and then go RIGHT TO BED, you HEAR me?

LONNY
Okay. I’m sorry, dad --

FRANK
I thought I’d surprise you
by coming home early,
but now I can see I can’t
TRUST you to take care of our HOME.

BETTIE (V.O.)
(low)
Stop talking to my friend like that,
you fat fucking ASSHOLE.

FRANK
Who’s there?

Bettie’s ice cream face
floats in front him.

He turns white.
Grabs his chest. Horrified.

FRANK
Wh-what the HELL?

BETTIE
I’m the evil offspring of BEN AND JERRY,
and I COMMAND YOU to apologize to my FRIEND.

LONNY
Bettie, don’t. My dad’s got a heart condition --

FRANK
I don’t -- understand --

BETTIE
Oh, he DOES, does he?

She starts dancing around the room,
rapping in a scary voice.

Her ice cream face
moving from side to side.

BETTIE
Humpty Dumpty sat on a cock,
Humpty Dumpty came in a sock --
all the king’s whores
and all the king’s friends,
couldn’t make Humpty shoot his load again.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHA!

Franks GASPS.

LONNY
Bettie, STOP IT.

FRANK
(starts staggering)
My heart --

BETTIE
(gets in close)
Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead --
now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

FRANK
AHHH, AHHH --

BETTIE
Little Miss Muffet,
sat on a tuffet,
legs opened wide --
along came a spider,
looked up inside her,
and said ‘can I go for a ride?’
(beat)
BWAHAHAHA --

FRANK
GAAA --
Frank’s face turns RED.
He GRABS his chest. Starts MOANING.
COLLAPSES to the floor, THWUMP.

LONNY
DAD.

He races to help.
Checks his pulse. Nothing.

He looks up at Bettie,
in complete shock.

LONNY
You -- killed him.

BETTIE
What’s the big deal?
(nasty smile)
Leaves more food for US.

LONNY
But he’s my FATHER.
What are we gonna do NOW?

BETTIE
I dunno. Maybe saute him
with a little garlic and onions?
(off his look)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

LONNY
That’s not FUNNY.
You just killed MY FATHER.

BETTIE
So what are you gonna DO ABOUT IT?

LONNY
I’m gonna call THE POLICE.

BETTIE
Oh, no YOU’RE NOT --

Lonny pulls out his cell phone.
Starts punching a number.

LONNY
Oh, yes I AM.
(listens)
Hello, nine-one-one?

He looks down.
Feels Bettie’s hand on his crotch.

DROPS the phone.
Her ice cream face smiles nastily.

BETTIE
May I have this POLE dance?

LONNY
Bettie. What are you --

BETTIE
Whaddaya say we go upstairs --
have a little FUN?
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

Catch Me If You Can

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan and rookie officer Lane Diamond question Lonny Schmerzler about Bettie Bee's whereabouts, not realizing that she's standing next to him, but because she's invisible they can't see her ...


EXT. LONNY’S DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
Lonny’s car pulls into the driveway.

INT. HART’S UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - NIGHT
Hart and Lane see it.

HART
That’s him.

LANE
Let’s go.

They get out of the car.

INT. LONNY’S CAR - NIGHT
Lonny kills the engine.
Looks at the empty space where
Bettie is sitting next to him.

LONNY
Honey, we’re home --
(sees something in the rearview mirror)
Oh, shit. The cops. Don’t MOVE.

He opens his door.
Starts to get out.

IN THE DRIVEWAY
Lane and Hart walk up to Lonny.
Flash their badges.
His eyes grow large as saucers.

HART
Lonny Schmerzler?

LONNY
That’s me. What’s going on?

LANE
We’re looking into the
disappearance of Bettie Bee.
Have you seen her?

LONNY
Uh -- no. Sorry.

HART
Out kinda late tonight, aren’t you?

LONNY
I was at the library,
uh -- studying for finals.

Lane’s radio SQUAWKS.

DISPATCHER (V.O.)
(electronic)
We got a one-eighty-seven
at five-twenty-two Bay Street.
Young girl’s throat’s been cut,
do you copy?

LANE
(answers it)
Copy that. We’re on our way. Over.

DISPATCHER (V.O.)
Copy that. Over.

LANE
(to Hart)
You think it’s our invisible friend?

HART
(nods)
Looks like someone’s developed
a taste for blood.
(to Lonny)
Thanks for your help.
We’ll let you know if
we have any more questions.

LONNY
Okay, sure.

They head off to their car.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Holy SHIT was that a close call.

LONNY
Almost shit my pants.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Feels good, doesn’t it?
C’mon, let’s go in,
post the video, and then EAT.
I’m fucking STARVING.
(off his stare)
C’mon Tele-Tubby, MOVE IT.

LONNY
But aren’t you concerned
they know it’s YOU?

BETTIE (V.O.)
So WHAT? If they can’t SEE ME,
they can’t CATCH ME --
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

Lab Rats

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, it's a race against the clock when science professor Bernard Bee learns from world-renowned scientist Fleming Perkins that the invisibility position his daughter Bettie accidentally drank is lethal


INT. UNIVERSITY LAB - NIGHT
Fleming Perkins works at a table
filled with beakers and test tubes
filled with bubbling liquids.

He squirts an eye dropper onto a slide.
Fits it on a microscope.
Takes a look. Squints.

Bernard sits nearby.
Tinkering with an electronic device.

FLEMING
The active ingredient is Duocaine.
It causes the brain to malfunction.
Once it gets into the cerebral
cortex through the bloodstream,
it starts attacking the id inhibitors.
(looks at Bernard)
How did you find out about it?

BERNARD
On the Interwebs.

FLEMING
But Duocaine is Schedule K.
Only the military has it.
How on earth did you get some?

BERNARD
I synthesized it myself.
Took a couple of years
of trial and error.
(sighs)
Now we just have to
find an anti-agent.

FLEMING
(shakes his head)
But there IS no anti-agent.
It was classified
for that very reason.
All the test subjects
died within a few days.
The research was then de-funded
and the project buried.

BERNARD
Test subjects?
Where on earth did you learn about THAT?

FLEMING
I’m afraid that, too is classified.

BERNARD
But if there’s no anti-agent,
Bettie will DIE.

FLEMING
There is one way to save her --

BERNARD
Which IS --

FLEMING
A complete blood transfusion.
But it must be done as soon as possible,
before the damage is irreversible.

BERNARD
Then we haven’t a moment to lose.

He holds up the I-pad looking device
he was working on.

FLEMING
You suddenly have a pressing desire
to listen to MUSIC?

BERNARD
No, no, no.
It’s a terahertz semi-conductor laser.
I tagged the formula with a low-level
radioactive isotope so I could
track it if it was stolen.
It’s tuned to the
light frequency fingerprint.

FLEMING
You mean to tell me
you’ve had this all along?
Why haven’t you used it
to FIND her?

BERNARD
I just finished making it.
It took a little time
to make a miniature LASER.
I’m a scientist,
ot an electrician.

FLEMING
How long is the life of the isotope?

BERNARD
I don’t know. A few days. A week, maybe.

FLEMING
Well, if I were you,
I’d get my proverbial ass
in gear and get this
to the police, pronto.

Bernard turns white. Nods.
Pulls out his cell phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

BERNARD
Yes. This is professor
Bernard Bee at the university.
I need to speak to
officer Lane Diamond, please.
It’s quite urgent.
(listens)
It’s about my missing daughter --
(sighs)
Yes, I’ll hold.

Blonde Ambition

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, the invisible Bettie Bee pays a visit to Gretchen, one of the popular kids that bullied her ... and gets bloody revenge ...


INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
The sound of WATER RUNNING. Clouds of STEAM.
We see the silhouette of a GIRL
behind the rippled opaque shower stall.
Softly singing some shitty top-forty hit.

Water SHUTS OFF. The door OPENS.
A feminine HAND comes out.

Reaches for a towel -- and out steps GRETCHEN.
Two scoops of fresh-scrubbed blonde,
now wrapped in white terry cloth.

She wraps her wet hair in a towel,
softly humming. Pads into -

INT. GRETCHEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The haughty vixen walks over to her desk.
Sits. Boots up her laptop. She works the mouse.
Fingers fly across the keyboard.
A CHAT WINDOW fills the screen.

IN THE WINDOW
We see Brad’s leering face.

BRAD
Hey, babe. Looks like somebody ALREADY got wet.

GRETCHEN
Leans toward the camera. Leers.

GRETCHEN
Why do you think I’m wearing a towel?
(sultry)
Are you touching yourself?

BRAD (O.C.)
Yeah. I’m stroking it for you, baby.
(beach)
C’mon. I wanna see you touch yourself.

Gretchen’s hand disappears under her towel.
Her eyes flash.

GRETCHEN
Mmm --

BRAD (O.C.)
C’mon, I wanna SEE IT.

GRETCHEN
Not yet.

BRAD (O.C.)
C’mon, Gretchen --

GRETCHEN
What would Muffin do if she caught you
doing this with me?

BRAD (O.C.)
FUCK Muffin. She’s a stuck-up BITCH.

OUTSIDE HER WINDOW
Lonny stands in the dark,
videotaping the proceedings.

Eyes wide as saucers.
Takes a cookie from his pocket. Eats it.

IN THE BEDROOM
Gretchen smiles nastily at the computer screen.

GRETCHEN
That’s right.
She’s a stuck-up bitch who won’t PUT OUT --
(sexy)
Not like ME.

BRAD (O.C.)
That’s right, baby.

MALE VOICE (V.O.)
(electronic)
You’ve got mail!

GRETCHEN
Whoops. Just got an email. Hold on a sec.

BRAD (O.C.)
Don’t, wait --

She clicks the mouse.
Minimizes the video chat window.

Goes to her email.
Checks to see who it’s from.

IN THE EMAIL INBOX
We see it’s from BETTIE BEE.

GRETCHEN
Looks at it. Scared. Opens it.

THE EMAIL READS
Prepare to die, bitch. See you in HELL.

GRETCHEN
Starts freaking out.
She opens the video chat window again.

GRETCHEN
Brad. It’s Bettie. She just sent me an email.

BRAD (O.C.)
Shit. What did it say?

Suddenly the towel on Gretchen’s head
comes FLYING OFF.

GRETCHEN
What the FUCK?

BETTIE (V.O.)
It’s meat curtains for YOU.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

ON THE COMPUTER
Brad’s face fills the screen.

BRAD
What’s going on? Did SHE do that?

IN THE BEDROOM
The towel wrapped around Gretchen’s body FLIES OFF.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Prepare to meet your maker, WHORE.

LONNY
Continues videotaping. Riveted.

GRETCHEN
Leans into the computer.

GRETCHEN
It’s HER. She’s HERE. Call the POLICE.

BRAD
Hold ON. I’m calling nine-one-one --

BETTIE (V.O.)
I always thought you were quite the cut-up.

A pair of scissors RISES UP
out of a cup full of pencils --
and FLIES DOWN into her hand,
HARPOONING IT to the desktop.

GRETCHEN
GAAAA --

IN BRAD’S BEDROOM
He talks on his cell phone with one hand,
hopping around, trying to pull up his pants
with the other.

BRAD
She’s being attacked --
(listens)
Yes, right now.
(listens)
I told you. BETTIE BEE.
(listens)
Because we were VIDEO CHATTING.
(looks at the computer)
Ohmigod, she just STABBED her
with a pair of scissors.
(listens)
Tell them to HURRY.

IN GRETCHEN’S BEDROOM
A book comes FLYING OFF the bookshelf
on her desk --

BETTIE (V.O.)
Read any GOOD BOOKS lately?

And HITS her on the head.

GRETCHEN
OW --
(beat)
STOP IT.

She GRABS the scissors,
tries to pull them out --

GRETCHEN
AHHH --

And YANKS them free.
Blood starts GUSHING from the wound.

She LEAPS UP off her chair.
Starts JABBING at the air around her,
trying to stab Bettie.

BETTIE (V.O.)
You go, girl. Fight for your LIFE.
Let’s see some BLONDE AMBITION --

More books start FLYING off their shelves
and start PELTING her in the head.

The stomach. Her arms. Legs.
She COLLAPSES in a heap on the floor.
Bettie starts KICKING her.

BETTIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
That’s for all the YEARS --
(KICKS)
You’ve all been PICKING ON ME.

GRETCHEN
STOP, STOP.

Gretchen’s body LIFTS UP off the floor.
Starts heading toward an AQUARIUM
full of tropical fish.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Wow, don’t know my own strength.

GRETCHEN
I’m SORRY, I’m SORRY --

BETTIE (V.O.)
Too late for that, hot stuff.
Time to SLEEP WITH THE FISHES.

And her head goes
FLYING INTO THE GLASS with a CRUNCH.
Water and fish SPRAY into the room.

Broken glass SLICES HER NECK OPEN.
She FLOPS onto the floor.
Blood GUSHES down her front.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Gee, I hate to CUT this short,
but I gotta split.
Thanks for the mammaries.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
Lonny turns off the camera.
Eyes like saucers.

The House Of Girth

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 24 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, after discovering he's missing teen Bettie Bee's best friend, homicide detective Hart Klavan and Lane Diamond stake out Lonny Schmerlzer's house ...


EXT. LONNY’S HOUSE - DAY
All is quiet at Lonny’s
airbrushed suburban dream home.

The white picket fence
gleams in the bright sunlight.

ACROSS THE STREET
Lane Diamond and Hart Klavan
sit in his undercover vehicle,
staking out The House of Girth.
Sipping coffees.

LANE
The neighbors say his
father’s out of town.
And he hasn’t been in school
the last couple of days.
I came by yesterday
a couple of times,
but no one was home.

HART
Perhaps young Mr. Schmerzler
is aiding and abetting
our corpulent killer.
(off her look)
I’m an amateur writer.
Hardboiled crime stories.
Flash fiction. I’ve been
published online in Spinetingler,
Gun Muzzle Flash, A Taste Of Noir --

LANE
The layers of the onion
just keep getting peeled away, huh?

HART
Some people have many facets,
officer Diamond.
(announcer’s voice)
There are eight million
stories in the Naked City.
This has been one of them.

They sip their coffee.

LANE
Do you think we have enough
to get a search warrant?

HART
Probably. But if we go get one,
we might miss something.

LANE
So we’re stuck here for awhile.

HART
Got a problem with that?

LANE
No. I’m fine.

She stares out the window. Thinking.

HART
You really care about
finding this girl, huh?

LANE
I was a fat kid.
The other kids at school
made my life a living hell --
(looks at him)
I know how she feels. Powerless.

HART
Well, something tells me
she’s gotten over THAT.

PUSH IN ON Lane’s face. Worried.

LANE
Yeah. No shit.

Gag Me With A Spoon

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Muffin, Brad and the popular kids clique make a plan to get even with overweight teen Bettie Bee at the prom ...


INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
Muffin and Brad sit on the
teacher’s desk in their usual places,
steering the popular ship.

The rest of the gang sits at their desks.
Everyone looks spooked. Freaked out.

BRAD
So everyone saw the video?

RONNIE
(nods)
Made Tila and me puke
technicolor rainbows of ew.

TILA
And we weren’t even
doing jello shots.

EMERALD
It made me gag
on my own gag reflex.

GRETCHEN
Made me spew bite-sized chunks.
In SAUCE.

MUFFIN
God. Disgusting much, Gretch?

GRETCHEN
I TOLD you not to call me Gretch,
it makes me sound like a guitar.

BRAD
Enough. We get it.
So we have to DO something about it.
NOW. Bettie Bee MUST be stopped.
Or else one of us is next.

BERT
What about the cops?
Aren’t they on the case?

MUFFIN
Apparently NOT, my
inhuman growth whore-moan.
Drake Monsterburg is DEAD.
Does THAT sound like
they’re on the case?

BERT
Then what are we supposed to DO?

BRAD
We’re gonna do something more
than just dump pig’s blood on her --
(beat)
We’re gonna TRAP her.
Then we can turn her over to the cops.

WHIT
But how are we gonna get her to come?
It would seem to me that’s she’s, uh
-- kind of MAD at us?

MUFFIN
Not to worry, my metrosexual one.
After racking my brain -- and my rack --
I’ve come up the solution.

BRAD
This is the part where Muffin’s genius
elevates her WAY above being
an object of teenage lust.

MUFFIN
Oh, YOU --
(playfully punches him on the shoulder)
It’s simple. We make her PROM QUEEN.
(off their looks)
I mean, what Twilight-loving virgin
can resist THAT?

RONNIE
But isn’t the prom queen crowned AT the prom?

MUFFIN
Details. So we change the rules.
Rig the vote. Total prom domination.

BRAD
Exactly. I mean -- we’re popular.
We can get away with murder.

Law & Disorder

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan meets rookie cop Lane Diamond at the crime scene, and more than sparks fly when Lanes fills him in on hunt for the invisible Bettie Bee ...

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT
The spot where Drake’s car
is parked is now a CRIME SCENE.

A crew of CRIME TECHS work the area.
Taking pictures, gathering evidence.
Doing all that CSI shit.

Drake’s body bag is placed on a gurney.
A PLAINCLOTHES HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (40’s)
lights a smoke. Watches.

PLAINCLOTHES HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
(shakes his head, to himself)
Just a young kid --

Meet HART KLAVAN, built like a linebacker.
Now a bit soft from working the suburban beat.

But still the best homicide dick
in this sleepy berg.
Not to mention the only one.

Lane Diamond’s patrol car
pulls up the curb.

She gets out. Walks over to him.
He eyes her appraisingly.

HART
Officer.

LANE
Detective.

He takes a deep drag on his smoke.
Shakes his head sadly.

HART
Kid was seventeen.
(sighs)
Haven’t had a shooting here
in five years.

LANE
Any prints, physical evidence?

HART
Nothing. Totally clean.
Like it was a professional
hit or something.
(takes a drag)
But why would someone
whack a high school kid?

LANE
There’ve been a few incidents
involving the students there.
I think it might be connected.

HART
Oh, really --
(beat)
You’ve been on the beat,
what -- a week now?

LANE
(bristling)
A high school girl ran away
from home after being cyber-bullied.
The next day, a kid got
glued to his toilet seat,
a video of it got posted on the Internet,
and he killed himself that evening --

HART
But how is that --

LANE
The next day a girl got tarred
and feathered in the school cafeteria.
Tarred and feathered.
(beat)
And now this.

HART
And you think this is what --
some kind of revenge thing?

LANE
Yeah.
(beat)
I know this is going to sound crazy,
but the missing girl’s
father is a scientist,
and he told me she drank
this formula he was working on --

HART
A 'formula' --

LANE
Which made her invisible.
(off his stare)
I know it sounds crazy.

HART
Tell you what. I’m gonna grab
a cup of coffee before I
go back to the station
and file my report.
Why don’t you come join me,
tell me all about it.

Pause.

LANE
You don’t believe me.

HART
Hell, no. But I could use
a good laugh about now.

LANE
Listen, detective -- the chief put me
in charge of finding the missing girl.

HART
You married? Got a boyfriend?

LANE
Sorry, big fella. Not into guys.

HART
Feisty, aren’t you?

LANE
Fuck you.

HART
You ever let a guy -- watch?

LANE
You really are an asshole,
you know that?

HART
Settle down.
Just busting your chops.
We give all the rookies
a hard time. Builds character.
(off her look)
I’m actually a big science fiction buff.
Follow me in your car
to the House of Donuts.
I wanna hear all about it.
Seriously.

LANE
Really?

HART
Yeah. Chill out.
My daughter’s gay. We’re cool.

PUSH IN ON Lane’s face.
Pleasantly surprised.

LANE
Is she single?

Pretty In Pink

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie tells Lonnie how much she enjoys killing, and that she can't wait to get revenge on the other popular kids that bullied her when they go to the prom ...


INT. LONNY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Lonny and Bettie sit on his couch
in front of a giant spread
of food on the coffee table.
TV is on with the sound down.

A large bucket of chicken
floats in the air next to Lonny.

BETTIE (V.O.)
That was fucking INCREDIBLE.

A breast FLIES UP out of the tub.
CHEWING SOUNDS as it gets DEVOURED.

The bone FLIPS UP in
the air behind the couch.

BETTIE (V.O.)
(BURPS)
Did you see the look on his FACE?
He was scared SHITLESS.

Lonny picks up a giant
chocolate bar off the table.

Eats half of it in one bite.
Gulps it down. Looks nervous.

LONNY
Yeah, but --

BETTIE (V.O.)
But what?

LONNY
You SHOT him.

BETTIE (V.O.)
It was self-defense.

A DRUMSTICK comes FLYING UP.
It, too gets DEVOURED.

Then the BONE gets eaten
with a CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

LONNY
But he’s -- dead.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Damn straight.
And it felt GOOD.
I can’t wait to kill
ANOTHER ONE OF THEM.

LONNY
What?

BETTIE (V.O.)
Yeah. And you’re gonna be
right there with me,
making a video of it.
I want EVERYONE to know
not to FUCK with me.
(low, feral)
They have to PAY.

LONNY
Gee, I dunno, Bettie.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I know the deal, Lonny.

LONNY
What d-deal?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I saw how you looked at me
with those puppy dog eyes.
(going in for the kill)
When you asked me to prom?
(off his look)
So here’s what we’re gonna do.

LONNY
Wh-what’s that?

BETTIE (V.O.)
(low, scary)
You help me KILL them --
and I’ll go to
the prom with you.

LONNY
Really?

BETTIE (V.O.)
REALLY.
(beat)
So are you IN?

PUSH IN ON Lonny. Nodding.
Eyes darting back and forth --

She Blinded Me With Science

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, university professor Bernard Bee meets with world-renowned scientist Fleming Perkins and convinces him to help him find a cure for his daughter Bettie's invisibility ...


EXT. UNIVERSITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
A stately, old performance hall on campus.
Overcome with beautiful vines.

A sign on the wall reads
FLEMING PERKINS TONIGHT.

A stream of STUDENTS and
PROFESSORS walk in.

Bernard comes into view.
Looks at the sign. Goes in.

INT. UNIVERSITY AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Packed to the gills.
FLEMING PERKINS (60’s) sits in
his wheelchair bathed in warm lighting.

Gnarled, hunched-over.
Limbs at odd angles.
Eyes burning with intelligence.

FLEMING
Einstein's General Theory of Relativity
offers the possibility that we could
create and maintain wormholes --
little tubes that connect
different regions of space-time.
If so, we might be able to use them
for rapid travel around the galaxy --
or even travel back in time.
(beat)
Of course, we haven’t seen
anyone from the future yet --
or have we?

A smattering of chuckling
from the audience.

BERNARD
Looks at his watch. Sighs.

INT. UNIVERSITY AUDITORIUM - BACKSTAGE AREA - CONTINUOUS
Fleming sits in his chair speaking
with a trio of DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING
SCIENTIFIC TYPES (60’s).

WHITE-HAIRED SCIENTIFIC TYPE
Quite intellectually stimulating,
Mr. Perkins.

FLEMING
Please. Call me Fleming.
All Nobel Prize laureates do.

PLUMP SCIENTIFIC TYPE
I must say you frightened me
with your comments
on space exploration.
Do you really think
things are that dire?

FLEMING
You should be frightened.
Look at what happened in Japan.
And that was an accident.

Bernard joins the group.
Looks at Stephen eagerly.

BERNARD
Great talk, Mr. Perkins.
I was wondering if I could
ask you a question in private?

FLEMING
Why the need for secrecy?

BERNARD
Top secret research.
(beat)
And a young girl’s
life is in danger.

Scientific Types raise
their eyebrows. Nod. Shuffle away.

FLEMING
A most effective way
of clearing the room.
I’ll have to remember that one.

BERNARD
I wasn’t joshing, Mr. Perkins.

FLEMING
Fleming.

BERNARD
Fleming.
(clears throat)
I have developed a serum that
refragments subatomic particles
so that the atoms are cloaked in
a sub-setted spatial plane
apart from ours --

FLEMING
Which would make someone invisible.

BERNARD
Exactly. I’ve spent over
twenty years working on it --

FLEMING
And I would assume that
the young girl that
has taken the serum is
someone you’re close to,
like a daughter, perhaps?

BERNARD
Indeed.

FLEMING
And I would further assume
that you’re asking me for help?

BERNARD
I know you’re a busy man,
but she’s disappeared
and I’m worried sick that --

FLEMING
Say no more.
Take me to your lab.
We have nubile,
young flesh to rescue.
(shouts)
She blinded me with SCIENCE.

BERNARD
Excuse me?

FLEMING
Sorry. New medication.
(mumbles)
YOU try sitting in a
wheelchair forty years --