Tuesday, March 15, 2016
They Shoot Whores, Don't They?
Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 17 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, the local TV news team in Venison, Ohio reports on the tragic death of head cheerleader Shayla Petrie, who was killed in a hit and run accident ...
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY
CAMERA pans across a row of lockers.
Stops at one. Candles, flowers
and pictures of Shayla surround it.
A banner reads REST IN PEACE, SHAYLA
above a teddy bear.
A delicate, feminine hand
adds a BOUQUET OF ROSES.
INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY
GRAPHICS FLY across the screen:
NEWS FOUR AT YOUR DOOR.
We see a PERT, FADED BLONDE ANCHORWOMAN and a
CHIPPER, DULL-LOOKING BLACK ANCHORMAN seated
at the news desk fake-chatting with each other.
News Four AT YOUR DOOR.
With Candy Sprinkle --
Candy looks up. Gives a slight nod.
And Kip Cartwheel --
Kip nods. Smiles briefly.
Cocks an eyebrow.
CAMERA ZOOMS IN on Candy.
Eyes bright with emotion.
Welcome to News Four At Your Door.
Our top story tonight,
little Shayla Petrie,
a senior at Venison High,
who was killed in a hit and run
accident last night --
She stops. Tries to continue,
chokes back a muffled sob.
Kip sees this, nods,
looks into the camera.
Police have started a county-wide search
for the body of the missing teen,
who was captain of the cheerleading squad,
and was crowned Miss Pumpkin
at last year’s Harvest Festival --
Candy shakes her head.
Recovers her composure.
Law enforcement officials won’t divulge
any details about their investigation,
and are still combing the scene
of the crime for clues --
We take you now to investigate reporter
Del Dunn, at the crime scene.
EXT. OLD COUNTRY ROAD - CRIME SCENE - DAY
DEL DUNN (30’s), tall, thin, striking
with a brunette bob stands
by the side of the road in a
short, tight suit holding a mike.
She looks into the camera.
Eyes flashing. Nods.
So, Del. What’s the skinny?
Have you rooted out any intel
for us yet?
Although Venison’s finest
haven't given me squat,
this investigative reporter
has been sniffing out clues
like Andy Dick at a pharmacy --
That’s quite the colorful metaphor, Del.
So spill it. What did you find out?
Well, this hasn’t been confirmed yet,
but police have not ruled out
her boyfriend Willis Grub as a suspect --
Willis Grubb? That ne'er do well?
I thought she was dating the
football captain, Brent Brock --
Sometimes the heart wants
what the heart wants, Kip.
And even if you’re popular,
it can take you to a dark place.
This is Del Dunn, coming to you live
at Old Country Road on
the outskirts of Venison, Ohio
in the heart of small town America.
Thanks, Del. Quaint much?
Next up, Delores DeVore has some
zesty recipes that’ll be sure to spice up
your next tailgate party --