Tuesday, March 3, 2015
So Much Silicone, So Little Time
Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 2 of SPIRAL, porn star Savannah appear onstage at a high-end strip club, hawking her wares. Meanwhile, we catch up with LA newcomer Andy Bernardi, who's landed a job at Playboy Entertainment working as a data entry worker bee in accounting, but when his new stylist friend Dex Gordon tells his friend Savannah wants to meet him, he can't believe his good luck ...
INT. STRINGFELLOW'S STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
Super: "New York City, December 2, 1990."
An upscale "gentlemen's club."
A long runway thrusts into the crowd.
Lights FLASH, music POUNDS.
The place is jammed with WALL STREET TYPES.
Sexy WAITRESSES in skimpy outfits serve cocktails.
Flash pots ERUPT.
A vision in white with angel's wings
slowly descends on a trapeze.
An excited FEMALE ANNOUNCER'S voice
BOOMS over the P.A. system
in a clipped British accent.
BRITISH ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen!
Tonight, Stringfellow's is proud to present,
straight from Hollywood,
star of the silver screen,
the ninth wonder of the world,
adult film superstar SAVANNAH.
Waves of dry ice come BILLOWING down the runway.
Snarling music like Guns N' Roses BLASTS.
Savannah slowly descends to the runway,
then hops off the trapeze.
The wings fall to the floor.
The crowd ROARS.
The almost naked superstar GRABS
her breasts and BEAMS a hundred-watt smile.
Hey, New York! Did ya miss me?
The crowd ROARS even louder.
She slithers down the runway, snake-like,
slides down to a steel pole, GRABS it,
then wraps her thighs around it,
leering at the crowd.
Ready to go to heaven?
INT. PLAYBOY ENTERTAINMENT - OFFICE CUBICLE - DAY.
Andy sits at his desk in his cubicle.
On a nearby wall is a huge, colorful oil painting
of the infamous Rabbit logo.
Andy CLACKS away at his computer keyboard,
moves a paper from one large stack to another.
Another hotel massage for some fat fuck
in a corner office.
He GRABS another sheet, examines it,
looks to see if anyone's watching,
CRUMPLES it up and TOSSES it over his shoulder.
Welcome to my private hell.
Data entry in accounting at Playboy Entertainment
in beautiful downtown Beverly Hills.
A grinning FEMALE SUIT drags a wide-eyed
PLAYMATE by the hand past Andy's cubicle.
Going on rounds, huh.
Is that Miss Decem --
The women are gone.
He PULLS open his desk drawer,
takes out a magazine.
So much silicone, so little time.
I bet you think it would be
really cool to work at Playboy.
Well, you'd be wrong.
I was overworked, underpaid,
and fucking bored out of my skull.
I remember every detail about the day
Dex first told me about Shannon.
CLOSEUP OF MAGAZINE
Shannon, a.k.a. Savannah, stands over
a messy kitchen sink in a barely-there bikini.
The captions reads "Savannah Does Dishes."
INT. KITCHEN / BEL AIR MANSION - MAGIC
A beautiful, upscale white kitchen.
Andy sits cross-legged on a gourmet island
sipping a beer and talking on the phone.
INT. BEDROOM / HOLLYWOOD APT. - MAGIC
A trendy but sparsely decorated bedroom.
Dex Gordon, mid 20's, slightly dissipated,
sits on the bed on the phone smoking a cigarette.
He picks up a glass of wine.
SPLIT SCREEN OF ANDY AND DEX
You're gonna come in your pants.
Meet me at El Coyote?
Andy looks at his watch.
I'll be there at eight.
You're gonna fucking die.
They SLAM down their phones.
EXT. EL COYOTE RESTAURANT / WEST HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
Andy and Dex sit outside on the patio.
The air is charged with the unmistakable vibe
and voices of young people on the prowl.
Over the action, urgent,
romantic techno, like Erasure.
Dex was my best friend.
We hung out together all the time.
We'd go to bars and clubs,
have a few drinks, party all night.
Dex did hair and makeup for actresses and models.
I always envied his style, his glamorous life.
Then one day Dex started a chain of events
that would change my life forever.
Andy takes a sip of his Margarita.
You gotta promise to keep it a secret.
Of course. Is she famous or something?
Yeah. Her name is Savannah.
She's the biggest adult film star in the world.
on the Playboy channel all the time.
Yeah, sure, I know who she is, she's gorgeous.
What's she like? Is she nice?
She's very cool.
If you like that kind of thing.
But just keep it to yourself.
If my Beverly Hills bitches found out --
if my Baywatch bimbos found out --
You'd lose a lot of clients.
They take a sip of their Margaritas.
Do you guys hang out?
Does she like to party?
You'll see soon enough.
She wants to meet you --