Red Carpet Muncher

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of SPIRAL, Andy, Dex and notorious porn star Savannah recuperate 'the morning after' their all-night drug binge, but there's no rest for the weary when Savannah attends the AVN awards, the adult film version of the Oscars, where she's nominated for 'best new starlet' ...


INT. ANDY'S BEDROOM - MAGIC
Andy checks his answering machine. No messages.
He lies on his bed and fidgets,
unable to sleep from the speed.

Andy dials the phone. He gets a machine.

PEGGY BERNARDI (O.S.)
Hello, you've reached the Bernardi residence,
no one's here to...

INT. SHANNON'S BEDROOM - DAWN
Shannon and Daisy sleep on her bed like the dead,
Shannon SNORING.

ANGLE ON:
Prescription pill bottles on the nightstand.

INT. DEX'S BEDROOM - DAWN
Dex and a skinny, young STREET HUSTLER negotiate.

DEX
Twenty, right?

Dex pulls his wallet out.

STREET HUSTLER
Twenty five.

DEX
Okay.

STREET HUSTLER
And I don't do no kinky stuff.

INT. PLAYBOY / ANDY'S CUBICLE - DAY.
Andy's cubicle is empty. Two FEMALE COWORKERS,
who we saw earlier, stand nearby kibitzing.

COWORKER NO. 1
But Andy said Savannah doesn't do the kinky stuff.

GEORGE STUART, (40's), approaches the women.
Andy's boss is quiet, but clearly upset.

GEORGE
Have you seen Andy?

COWORKER NO. 2
I think he said something about a
dentist appointment this morning.

GEORGE
Really. Well, tell him to come see me when he gets in.

INT. ANDY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Andy lies in bed, still clothed, dead to the world.

ANGLE ON:
His bedside table. The clock reads "11:30."
Lying next to it is copy of the "AVN News,"
the porn trade publication.

Shannon's on the cover.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
A Las Vegas hotel ballroom filled with revelers.

On stage, a leather-clad foursome plays
cheesy heavy metal at a DEAFENING VOLUME.

ANGLE ON:
A big sign over the stage reads "Adult Video News Awards."

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
The ballroom is BUZZING with PORN DIRECTORS
and EXECUTIVES in suits, PORN ACTORS in tuxes
and PORN ACTRESSES in outrageous gowns.

ANDY (V.O.)
The AVN Awards is like the Oscars
for the adult entertainment industry.
And just like at the Academy Awards,
there's best picture, best director, best actress...
(beat
...but there's also awards for best oral, best anal,
best gang bang, and my favorite,
best bisexual three-way come shot.
(pause)
I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.
(pause)
Shannon was really excited.
She was up for "best new starlet."

ANGLE ON:
A group of STUDS in Chippendale-like outfits carry
300 pound drag queen CHI CHI LA RUE up to the stage
high atop a divan, like an absurd pharaoh.

They climb the stage, then start a big production number,
Chi Chi singing "Don't Fuck Me There."

The crowd ROARS.

ANDY (V.O.)
I was dying to go, but I couldn't afford the trip.
I really wanted to see Shannon in all her glory.

INT. BATHROOM STALL - NIGHT
Shannon sits on the toilet and SNORTS a bump of coke.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
She comes out of the stall, goes to the mirror
and fixes her makeup.

BEVERLY BOULEVARD, (late teens), a sexy newcomer,
to the mirror and does her lipstick.

BEVERLY
Hey, Savannah! You look great! Good luck tonight!

SHANNON
Thanks, darling, but luck has nothing to do with it.

INT. STAGE - NIGHT
SHAUNA GRANT and SHANNA LYNN, (early 20's),
gorgeous porn stars, stand at the podium
with big, bright pageant smiles.

The crowd CHEERS and WHISTLES.

SHANNA
Okay. The next category is "Best New Starlet."

A smattering of applause. A few catcalls.
Shauna reads off a card.

SHAUNA
And the nominees are, Topanga Canyon, Eternity,
Savannah, Beverly Boulevard, and Barbie Dahl.

Shanna opens the envelope.
SHANNA
And the winner is...

A beat. Shanna is not pleased.

SHANNA (cont'd)
Savannah.

Some applause, few boos and hisses.

INT. STAGE - NIGHT
Shannon glides up to the podium, smiling, triumphant.
She GRABS the award from Shauna and BEAMS.

A beat. The faint applause dies out.
Shannon clutches the gold statuette to her bosom.

SHANNON
Hello, everybody! Aren't you happy for me?

CLOSEUP OF SHANNA AND SHAUNA
The women stand to the side with glazed smiles.

SHANNA
Cunt.

SHAUNA
I can't believe the bitch won.

INT. STAGE - SAME

SHANNON
Thank you all so much! I love you!

She BLOWS a kiss, turns to leave, then stops.
Shannon leans into the mike.

SHANNON (cont'd)
I'd like to thank all the critics who voted for me.
(beat)
And to those of you who didn't...
(beat)
Fuck YOU.

CLOSE UP OF REPORTER
A REPORTER scribbles in his notebook and shakes his head.