Love On The Rocks

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of FRANKENSTEIN IN LOVE, science genius nerd Frankie Stein has his first 'date' with reanimated dead cheerleader Shayla Petrie, but when they try to consummate the relationship, Frankie jumps the gun ...


INT. FRANKIE’S BASEMENT LAB - NIGHT
The sickly-sweet shag-carpet ‘soft rock’ sound of Bread’s
I WANT TO MAKE IT WITH YOU over --

Frankie and Shayla,
sitting at a small card table
having a candlelit dinner.

Frankie wears a sports coat.
Shayla, one of Frankie’s mother’s old dresses.

And tons of garish make-up,
poorly applied.

She turns her head to look at something,
and the scarf that hides her
smashed-in skull slips off.

Frankie barely notices.

FRANKIE
So I said to Josh,
‘I said nitrate, NOT titrate.’

He chuckles, pleased with his joke.
Shayla cocks her head.
Pokes at her food with her fork.

SHAYLA
Don’t -- understand.

FRANKIE
Silly me. I’m sorry.
Let’s talk about something else --
(notices she hasn’t eaten)
You don’t like fish sticks?
I can fix you something else --

SHAYLA
I’m not -- hungry --
(strange smile)
For food.

FRANKIE
Oh.
(alarmed)
What ARE you hungry for?

SHAYLA
(goofy smile)
Hungry -- for you.

FRANKIE
Oh. Wow. Uh --
(clears throat)
Would you -- like some more wine?

He grabs his glass.
DRAINS it.
She looks at hers.

SHAYLA
Had -- enough.
Goes right -- to my head.

She clumsily stands up.
KNOCKS OVER her glass with a stiff arm.

It hits the cement floor and SMASHES.
She looks at the broken glass sadly.
Then her hand.

SHAYLA
I’m -- sorry.

FRANKIE
It’s okay.
Don’t worry about it.

He gets up.
Takes her hands in his.

Looks in her eyes tenderly.
Starts singing along.

FRANKIE
'Life can be short or long,
love can be right or wrong -- '

SHAYLA
(cocks her head)
Have anything -- more upbeat?

FRANKIE
Uh, yeah -- sure.

He goes to the mini-stereo.
Starts rifling through the CD’s.

Shayla starts shuffling over
to her makeshift ‘bed.’

SHAYLA
I’ll be -- waiting --

Frankie GULPS. Chooses one.
Puts it on. Punches PLAY.

We immediately recognize
the opening strains
of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s
RELAX (DON’T DO IT).

He strikes a pose.

FRANKIE
(sings along)
'Hey-EY, uh-huh' --

Starts doing a strange dance
to the music.

Part David Bowie,
part Pee Wee Herman.

FRANKIE
Relax, don’t do it --
when you wanna get to it --

Shayla sits on the bed,
watching him. Amused.

Starts pulling her dress up,
revealing the scars
and injuries on her body.

A BULGE in his crotch
starts GROWING.

FRANKIE
(whispers)
Holy shit --

He pulls out his wallet.
Digs out an ancient condom.

Shayla sees it. Giggles.
TOSSES her dress to the floor.

SHAYLA
Don’t need -- that.

FRANKIE
Oh, right.

He goes over to the bed,
still moving jerkily to the music.

FRANKIE
When you wanna come --
when you wanna COME --

Shayla grins lustily.
Reaches over.

GRABS his crotch.
His body JERKS.
Face goes WHITE.

Shayla feels something.
Cocks her head.

Looks at her hand.
Then at the stain on his jeans.

SHAYLA
So -- soon?

FRANKIE
Omigod. I’m SO SORRY.

SHAYLA
(brightly)
That’s -- okay.
I’m -- used to it.

She starts getting back into her dress.
Frankie goes to the stereo. Shuts it off.

SHAYLA
You have -- a smoke?

FRANKIE
No, but I can get one.
My mom smokes --

Shayla’s eyes wander around the room.

SHAYLA
No -- view.

FRANKIE
View?

SHAYLA
No -- windows.
(pouts)
I want -- a view.

FRANKIE
Windows --

SHAYLA
Yeah.
Feel -- trapped.

FRANKIE
Well, we can’t have that.

He stares off into space, thinking.
Then --

FRANKIE
I’ve GOT IT.
It’ll be PERFECT.
The TREE HOUSE.

SHAYLA
Tree -- house?

FRANKIE
Yeah.
(beat)
Can you say 'love nest?'