Dysfunctional Family Picnic

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love is on her way to the strip club to sniff out some clues about the disappearance of her client's missing daughter, and gets a call from her mother telling her that her father just died, and now suddenly has to deal with her 'family issues' ...


EXT./INT. - CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - DAY
Carrie drives on the ten freeway
heading back to the beach.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My first case.
I was more excited than
Dick Cheney at an NRA rally.
Piece of cake.
My first task was to head over
to the strip club and sniff around.
(beat)
Think I’m gonna get used to this --

Her cell phone RINGS.
She turns down the music.
Answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - STUDY - DAY
An ANGRY-LOOKING WOMAN (60’s)
paces back and forth in front a roaring fire.

Pert, classic WASP good looks,
very Ralph Lauren.

She clutches a scotch on the rocks
as if her life depended on it.

Meet MARGO LOVE, Carrie’s mother.
Right now she’s three sheets to the wind.
Beyond numb.

MARGO
Carrie, it’s your mother --

CARRIE
Hey, mom.
What’s up?

MARGO
Are you sitting down?

CARRIE
Yeah.
I’m in the car.
What’s up?
You don’t sound good.
I mean, for you --

MARGO
It’s your father --

CARRIE
What.
Is he late with your check again?

MARGO
He’s dead.

CARRIE
WHAT?

She SWERVES the wheel.
The car goes onto the shoulder.

Carrie YANKS the wheel
back onto the freeway.
In shock.

CARRIE
How? What?
What -- what happened?

MARGO
Rat bastard had a heart attack.
Can you come over?
Todd and Nate are on their way.

CARRIE
I’ll be right there.

MARGO
No need to rush.
We’re not going anywhere.

CARRIE
By, mom.
I’ll see you soon.
(beat)
I love you --

MARGO
I know, I know.
Just get your butt over here.

Margo hangs up.
Carrie CLICKS the phone shut.

STOMPS on the gas.
Stares out the windshield in disbelief.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My head was spinning.
My father was DEAD.
We’d always had a stormy relationship.
He didn’t approve of my becoming a cop,
and then divorcing my husband
and shacking up with a B-movie actress
hadn’t gone over too well, either --
(beat)
We’d recently patched things up between us --
he was starting to mellow with age --
but things turned icy again
after my recent run-in with the law.
Talk about unfinished business.
And now, whether I liked it or not,
I had to attend the
dysfunctional family picnic.
(beat)
Without packing a basket --

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - DAY
A giant monstrosity like something
out of the Addams family on an acre of land
off Sunset Boulevard.

A long driveway behind a gated entrance.
Nice house, too many people home.
Carrie’s car pulls up to the gate.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Be it ever so humble,
there’s no place like denial.

She leans over.
Presses a button on the speaker box.

CARRIE
It’s Carrie.
I’m here --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
It’s about time --

The gate swings open.
She sighs. Drives in.

CARRIE (V.O.)
You can chose your friends --
but you can’t choose your assholes.