Dirty Harriet

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

This next story is a personal favorite of mine. A few years ago, my manager at the time suggested I adapt my Carrie Love crime features into a TV series, which I thought was a great idea, since we're currently in the 'golden age of cable TV dramas,' and voila, LEGS was born. It got a big thumbs up over at Showtime, but there was just one hitch: since I was an 'unknown,' my manager and I would have to find an actress to play Carrie. Since then, we've been sending it out to various actresses, all who have passed because ... I dunno. Can't be because Carrie is 'too edgy.'

Maybe it's because ... she sleeps with hot chicks?

For those of you who have read a previous draft, I'm pleased to announce that I added a new opening scene that was suggested by Chris Thompson (ACTION, BOSOM BUDDIES, THE NAKED TRUTH) who read it and loved it, and suggested that we should see Carrie as a 'super cop' before she gets kicked off the force.

So that's what I did. And I must say, it worked out quite nicely, with an homage to detective Harry Callahan.

In Chapter 1 of LEGS, we meet robbery-homicide detective Carrie Love, who's enjoying a taco and beer 'hangover remedy' breakfast, which gets interrupted by a bank robbery gone awry ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
A sluggish, smoggy day on
the wrong end of the Walk Of Fame.

The usual assortment of
TOURISTS, STREET TRASH and LOCALS
litter the street.

A CLOWN (50’s) holding a bunch of balloons
leans over the curb.
PUKES technicolor chunks.

A FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (40)
stands next to a food truck eating a taco.

Wolfing it down.
She looks pale. Sick.

The MEXICAN COOK (40’s) smiles at her
through the service window.

MEXICAN COOK
Best thing for a hangover, huh.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Gimmee another one.
And a Tecate.
Ice cold.

Suddenly GUNSHOTS POP, POP, POP nearby.
Someone SCREAMS.

EXT. BANK - DAY
A small, local branch.
The front door FLIES OPEN.

A MASKED MAN (20’s) comes
RUNNING OUT holding a bag of money.

FEMALE DETECTIVE
Looks at Paco.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Do me a favor.
Call for backup.

PACO
What the fuck?

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Just do it.

Paco shrugs.
Pulls out his cell.
Starts punching in a number.

She starts walking toward Masked Man,
who JUMPS in the getaway car,
an old piece of shit.

The engine ROARS and starts
TAKING OFF right toward her.

Female Dick pulls out
a giant five-hundred Magnum.

Takes aim.
Stilling chewing taco.

She FIRES at it. BANG.
The windshield SHATTERS.

The bullet HITS the driver in the head,
which EXPLODES IN A RED MIST.

The car CAREENS over the curb
into a FIRE HYDRANT.

Water SPOUTS IN A HUGE GEYER.
PEDESTRIANS start RUNNING, SCREAMING.

Masked Man JUMPS out of the car
with the bag of money.
FIRES at her.

Female Dick swallows the rest of her taco,
bullets PINGING around her.

She takes aim. FIRES. BANG.
Gets him in the arm.

He keep coming.
She FIRES AGAIN, BANG.
Gets him in the leg.

Masked Man limps toward her,
still SHOOTING.

Female Dick squints in the hot sunlight.
FIRES again. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.

Gets him in the chest.
He falls over, THWUMP.
Drops the bag.

Cash starts SWIRLING in the air.
ONLOOKERS start trying to scoop it up.

Female Dick slowly walks over to where
Masked Man lies in the gutter, bleeding out.

It’s quite the tableaux.
Water SPRAYING. Money FLYING.

She gets near him.
Aims her piece.

Pulls off his mask,
revealing a YOUNG BLACK KID.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Yo. Ever seen ‘Dirty Harry?’

YOUNG BLACK KID
Huh?

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
I said, HAVE YOU SEEN ‘DIRTY HARRY?’

YOUNG BLACK KID
Yeah.
(groans)
What the fuck?

He slowly, painfully,
with great effort,
moves his head,
looks at his gun lying next to him.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
What we’ve got here is a case of
life imitating art.
(off his stare)
And now you’re wondering.
Did she fire six shots or only five?
(imitates Clint)
Well, to tell you the truth,
in all this excitement
I kind of lost track myself.
(nods at her gun)
Now this is a five-hundred Magnum,
the most powerful handgun in the world.
Dirty Harry’s forty-four used to be,
but after the four-fifty-four Casull
and the four-eighty Ruger came out,
well, the boys at Smith and Wesson
had to go them one better.
Bigger gun. Bigger bullets.
(clicks the safety)
Can take a bear down in a single shot.
And it doesn’t kick so hard.
Easier to shoot.
Gotta love modern technology.
(beat)
So you gotta ask yourself one question.
Do you feel lucky?
Well, do ya homes?

The kid stares at him, scared shitless.
Female Dick reaches down.

Grabs his gun. TOSSES it.
Then takes aim. Scary smile.

Pulls the trigger. CLICK.
The kid SHITS HIS PANTS.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Go ahead.
Shit my day.

And BURSTS INTO INSANE LAUGHTER.
A UNIFORMED OFFICER appears.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
You brought them down all by yourself?
That’s the second time this month.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
(nods)
Would you take ‘em in for me?
(off his look)
Gotta taco and a beer waiting for me --