When The Going Gets Tough

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of LEGS, more than sparks fly when private eye Carrie Love visits her ex-husband and ex-partner, homicide detective Bernie Keko at police headquarters to get info on her client's missing daughter ...


EXT. SANTA MONICA POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DUSK
A run-down, faded joint built in the 70’s
right next to City Hall.

Bucolic grounds, sprinkled with just
the right amount of homeless people.
COPS leave and enter the building.

Carrie’s car pulls into a space in front.
She gets out. Marches toward the entrance.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was strange being back,
but I needed to get Dina Daerr’s police record.
And there was one person on the force
I could still go to for help --
(beat)
My ex-husband.
And ex-partner -- Bernie.
(beat)
That’s right.
When the going get tough,
the tough get codependent.

INT. DETECTIVE’S SQUAD ROOM - DUSK
A small, cramped, cluttered office
brought to you by the color puke.

A warren of old desks litter the joint.
Seated at one is a BIG COP (40’S).
Right now he’s talking on the phone.

BIG COP
Bullshit, Harry.
You can’t let him WALK.
There was enough DNA at the crime scene
to make Marg Helgenberger wet her pants --

Meet homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s).
Armenian, good-looking on a budget.
Formerly buff, now a bit gone to seed.

Carrie walks in.
RAP-RAP-RAPS on the door sill.

Bernie TURNS, looks.
Sees her. Face goes white.

BERNIE
(into the phone)
Gotta go.
The succubus just walked in.
Call you later --
(listens, eyes her)
That’s right.
If you don’t hear back from me,
notify my next of kin.

He SLAMS down the phone.
Stares at Carrie. Disbelieving.

BERNIE
Legs.
What the fuck are YOU doing here?

CARRIE
Nice to see you too, Bernie.

BERNIE
You got a lotta nerve,
I’ll give you that.

CARRIE
There once was a time
you loved 'a lot of nerve.'

BERNIE
And there once was a time
when you still FUCKED GUYS.

CARRIE
The Big Bang, I believe?

BERNIE
You realize the chance you’re taking,
showing up here?
If the chief sees you,
he’s gonna blow his stack.

CARRIE
Better that than his load --

BERNIE
You didn’t come here to do the
Tracy-Hepburn dance with me.
Enough witty repartee.
Out with it.

CARRIE
I need you to get me
someone’s arrest record.

BERNIE
Oh? And just why would I
do that for a civilian?

CARRIE
I’m now a licensed private investigator,
working a case.

BERNIE
Look out, Sam Spade --
(beat)
No, wait.
More like Sue Grafton.
B Is For Bitch.

CARRIE
C Is For Carpet Muncher --

Bernie stares. Incredulous.
Then EXPLODES with laughter.

CARRIE
One way or another,
I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha --

BERNIE
Gimme the name,
and I’ll see what I can do.
Just get the fuck outta here
before the chief sees you, okay?

CARRIE
Dina Daerr.
Twenty years old.
Lives in the Hollywood Hills on Queens Road.
Ran away from Daddy, Dick Daerr.
(smiles)
Thanks, Bernie.
I owe you one.

BERNIE
You owe me a hundred. Go. Now.
I’ll call you when I have something.
Then you can buy me a beer
and tell me the secrets
of the saphic arts.

CARRIE
'The saphic arts?'
Color me impressed.

Pause.

BERNIE
You’re looking good.
Still rollerblading?

CARRIE
Every day --
(beat)
You still pass out on the couch
watching old movies?

BERNIE
Every night.
(beat)
I’ll call you when
I get her record, okay?

CARRIE
Thanks, Bernie.

BERNIE
Legs. Go. Scoot.
If the chief --

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face. Wistful.

CARRIE
Yeah. See ya --

The Family Fight Club

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love visits her boozy mother Margo after the sudden death of her father and gets into a tussle with her brother Todd about the funeral arrangements ...


INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Margo sits on the couch with a fresh cocktail.
Eyes burning with fire.
She looks at Carrie in the doorway.

MARGO
Carrie. There you are.
Go fix yourself a drink if you want one --

Standing next to her is Carrie’s brother TODD, (27),
tall, thin. Receding hairline. Red-faced.

A vein on his temple throbs violently.
Lip curled in smug self-satisfaction.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my brother Todd on the left.
A self-righteous born-again Christian
who tried to work for
my father’s brokerage house
but got the boot because he’s a goldbrick.
He’s now a wedding videographer.
Banal much?

Carrie goes to bar.
Starts fixing a cocktail.

TODD
You sure that’s a good idea?

CARRIE
Nice to see you too, Todd.
(low, to herself)
You get that hairbrush
out of your ass yet?

TODD
WHAT did you say?

MARGO
Children, ENOUGH.
We’re supposed to be grieving.
I’m not gonna put up with that shit,
you HEAR ME?

NATE (18), walks in the room
carrying a tray of snacks.

A smaller, thinner, calmer version of Todd.
The peacemaker.

Trendy in an Arcade Fire t-shirt.
'The Suburbs,' indeed.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And that’s my other brother, Nate.
He was the ‘save the marriage’ baby.
Didn’t work, of course.
Never does. Sweet kid, though.
Thank god he’s not a defensive prick, too --

NATE
Ramona made us some crudite --
(sees Carrie)
Hey, sis.

CARRIE
(forces a smile)
Hey, Nate.

Nate smiles hopefully.
Walks over to Carrie.

Offers her the tray.
She takes a snack.
Sips her drink.

CARRIE
How you holding up?

NATE
I guess I’m in shock.
I don’t feel anything.

CARRIE
Don’t feel bad.
Runs in the family.

NATE
At least I’m not having
an existential crisis --

CARRIE
Mom told me you got into Harvard.
Early admission --

NATE
Yeah.
(beat)
Gonna be hard to leave the nest --

He brings the tray over to Margo.
She inspects it. Takes one.

Puts it on a napkin.
Stares at it.

MARGO
He wants to be a doctor.
I told him he should be a lawyer.
That’s where the real bucks are.

NATE
I want to help people, mom.
Not screw them over.

CARRIE
What’s the difference between
a barracuda and an attorney?

NATE
What?

CARRIE
One’s a bottom-feeding scum-sucker --
and the other’s a fish.

Nate smiles.

MARGO
That’s not funny.
Johnny Carson, now HE was funny.
(raises glass in a toast)
Heeere’s JOHNNY --

Todd eyes them.
Picks up a file folder.

Thumbs through it.
Clears his throat.

TODD
I went online and did a search
of all the best funeral homes in Beverly Hills.
I thought we could get the ball rolling
and pick something suitable --

Carrie picks up her drink.
Walks over to Todd.

CARRIE
Dad didn’t go for that fancy shit,
you know that.
He’d want something
low-key and discrete.

TODD
But I just thought --

CARRIE
Who put YOU in charge?
Last time I looked,
I was the oldest child --

TODD
(gets in her face)
Well, you sure as hell
don’t ACT like it --

CARRIE
(gets in his)
What the fuck is THAT
supposed to mean?

TODD
I didn’t get fired from my job
in DISGRACE and almost thrown in JAIL.

CARRIE
(POKES him in the chest)
At least my own FATHER
didn’t FIRE me for being LAZY.
How fucking lame IS THAT?

TODD
(WHACKS her hand away)
Don’t you DARE fucking touch me --

MARGO
Children. ENOUGH.
The two of you. Honestly.
Can’t you at least PRETEND to get along?

TODD
She started it --

Carrie drains her drink.
Looks at them coolly.

CARRIE
You know what?
On second thought,
you go ahead and handle
the funeral stuff, Todd.
You were always good
at that anal retentive shit.
Go head, have a ball.
Work those sphincter muscles.
I’m sure you’ll choose the casket
that 'everybody has to have this season --'

She walks over to Margo.
Staring in disbelief.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know I love you, mom,
but if I have to inhale
these noxious fumes another minute,
I’m gonna punch his fucking lights out --
(beat)
I just got a new case,
and I need to focus on
someone who needs my help,
instead playing the Family Fight Club --

MARGO
Who needs your help?

CARRIE
A young girl is missing.
Her father hired me to find her.

MARGO
Oh, dear --

NATE
How old is she?

CARRIE
About your age --

TODD
Well, that’s perfect.
You can mix business
with pleasure again.

Carrie nods.
Heads for the door.
Stops. Turns. Looks at Todd.

CARRIE
Thanks for proving my point, little brother.
Weddings, funerals -- it’s a full life, huh?
(to the rest)
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I’m going to return to the real world.
Because believe it or not,
SOME people want my help --

Dysfunctional Family Picnic

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love is on her way to the strip club to sniff out some clues about the disappearance of her client's missing daughter, and gets a call from her mother telling her that her father just died, and now suddenly has to deal with her 'family issues' ...


EXT./INT. - CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - DAY
Carrie drives on the ten freeway
heading back to the beach.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My first case.
I was more excited than
Dick Cheney at an NRA rally.
Piece of cake.
My first task was to head over
to the strip club and sniff around.
(beat)
Think I’m gonna get used to this --

Her cell phone RINGS.
She turns down the music.
Answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - STUDY - DAY
An ANGRY-LOOKING WOMAN (60’s)
paces back and forth in front a roaring fire.

Pert, classic WASP good looks,
very Ralph Lauren.

She clutches a scotch on the rocks
as if her life depended on it.

Meet MARGO LOVE, Carrie’s mother.
Right now she’s three sheets to the wind.
Beyond numb.

MARGO
Carrie, it’s your mother --

CARRIE
Hey, mom.
What’s up?

MARGO
Are you sitting down?

CARRIE
Yeah.
I’m in the car.
What’s up?
You don’t sound good.
I mean, for you --

MARGO
It’s your father --

CARRIE
What.
Is he late with your check again?

MARGO
He’s dead.

CARRIE
WHAT?

She SWERVES the wheel.
The car goes onto the shoulder.

Carrie YANKS the wheel
back onto the freeway.
In shock.

CARRIE
How? What?
What -- what happened?

MARGO
Rat bastard had a heart attack.
Can you come over?
Todd and Nate are on their way.

CARRIE
I’ll be right there.

MARGO
No need to rush.
We’re not going anywhere.

CARRIE
By, mom.
I’ll see you soon.
(beat)
I love you --

MARGO
I know, I know.
Just get your butt over here.

Margo hangs up.
Carrie CLICKS the phone shut.

STOMPS on the gas.
Stares out the windshield in disbelief.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My head was spinning.
My father was DEAD.
We’d always had a stormy relationship.
He didn’t approve of my becoming a cop,
and then divorcing my husband
and shacking up with a B-movie actress
hadn’t gone over too well, either --
(beat)
We’d recently patched things up between us --
he was starting to mellow with age --
but things turned icy again
after my recent run-in with the law.
Talk about unfinished business.
And now, whether I liked it or not,
I had to attend the
dysfunctional family picnic.
(beat)
Without packing a basket --

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - DAY
A giant monstrosity like something
out of the Addams family on an acre of land
off Sunset Boulevard.

A long driveway behind a gated entrance.
Nice house, too many people home.
Carrie’s car pulls up to the gate.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Be it ever so humble,
there’s no place like denial.

She leans over.
Presses a button on the speaker box.

CARRIE
It’s Carrie.
I’m here --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
It’s about time --

The gate swings open.
She sighs. Drives in.

CARRIE (V.O.)
You can chose your friends --
but you can’t choose your assholes.

If You've Got The Crime, I've Got The Time

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love meets with her client Dick Daerr, who hires her to find his missing stripper daughter, Dina. Then, moments later, as she gets in her car to leave, she's propositioned by porn star Laura Lang, who asks for a 'date' ...


INT. DICK'S MANSION - STUDY - DAY
The standard Masterpiece Theater overdone,
manly joint stuffed with too much expensive shit.

Shelves crammed with books
that have never been read.
‘Study Gone Wild.’

Dick sits behind his desk
like the captain of industry
he wishes he was.

Carrie sits in a chair
in front of him.

DICK
Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

CARRIE
Id you’ve got the crime,
I’ve got the time.

DICK
THAT should be your slogan --

Carrie pulls out a notepad and pen.
Looks up.

CARRIE
What’s your daughter’s name?

DICK
Dina. Dina Daerr.
We’re big on alliteration
in my family.

CARRIE
It would appear so --
(beat)
So how exactly did you
find out she was missing?

DICK
The owner of the club
said she hadn’t shown up
for work the last couple of days.

CARRIE
(nods, scribbles notes)
And the owner’s name?

DICK
Cor Cirac.
He’s French Canadian.
Has one of those funny accents.
You know --

CARRIE
Did Dina have any enemies?
You know, like ex-lovers --
anyone that would
want to do her harm?

DICK
Not that I know of.
I mean, she’s fucking GORGEOUS.
People tend to give her
anything she wants --
(beat)
If you know what I mean.

CARRIE
Trust me, I know --
(beat)
She ever been in
trouble with the law?

DICK
The usual kid stuff,
but nothing serious, no.

Carrie stands.
Puts her notebook away.

CARRIE
Okay.
I’ve got enough to get started on.
What I’d like to get from you
is a list of all her friends.
My email address is on my card.

DICK
I’ll do that right away.

Dick gets up.
Walks over to her.
Hands her a check.

CARRIE
(looks at it)
Five-K?
That’s quite a retainer --

DICK
I’m a generous guy.
(smiles)
Thanks again for your help.
(they shake)
What do you think your
chances are of finding her?

CARRIE
Don’t worry, Dick.
I haven’t lost a case yet.

PUSH IN ON Dick’s face.
Smiling. Relieved.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Of course, I didn’t tell him
this was my first case --

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Carrie stands at her car.
Opens the door. Slides in.

LAURA (O.C.)
So you’re going to leave
without saying goodbye.

LAURA
Stands in front of the house
at the top of the steps.

Mock-hurt.
Insinuating.
Hands on hips.

CARRIE
Turns, looks. Gulp.

CARRIE
(trying for casual, not successful)
I l-looked for you,
but you were -- you were --

Suddenly she’s right beside her.

LAURA
Working?

CARRIE
Uh -- yeah.

Laura leans into the car window.
Inches away.

LAURA
I’m going to Club Fuck tonight.
I’ll be with a date,
but it’s a ruse.
(beat)
Doing anything tonight?

There's No Business Like Monkey Business

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love arrives at the porn shoot location to meet with her new client, and more than sparks fly when she meets Laura Lang, the star of the film, memorizing her lines for 'the big strap-on' scene ...


EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - DAY
A vintage black Porsche convertible
FLIES up the coast through a tunnel of palm trees
in the picture-perfect sunshine.

View of the azure ocean
sparkles invitingly.

INT. VINTAGE PORSCHE CONVERTIBLE - DAY
The pop-metal CRUNCH of the Divinyl’s BULLET
spits shards of broken glass over Carrie.
Cool in black.

Cigarette dangling from her lips.
Nodding her head to the music.

CARRIE (V.O.)
'The Hearing Aid Guru To The Stars'?
What the fuck is up with THAT?
(beat)
I guess beggars can’t be choosers,
and right now, this beggar
chooses to pay the bills --

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
An incredibly HUGE Tudor monstrosity.

A bright blue swimming pool
juts out into the sky over the cliff
on stilts as if on a dare.
Life on the edge. Literally.

Carrie stands in the driveway.
Stares at the house.

CARRIE
The hills are alive
with the sound of money --

She walks up to the front door.
RINGS the bell.

The door FLIES open.
A GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE emerges.

Big pot belly.
Long, greasy ponytail.

Cigar clamped in this teeth.
He squints at Carrie. Smiles.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
Hey, mamma.
You got your test?

CARRIE
My -- test?

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
HIV test.
Get get on set without it.

CARRIE
Hate to burst your beer-belly, fella --
but I’m not talent.
I’m a private investigator,
here to see Dick Daerr, the owner --

She hands him her card.
Smiles brightly.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
(reads it)
'Fast, cheap and out of control?'

CARRIE
That’s me.
But you can call me Legs.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
Goddamn, sister.
You ever think of bein’ in an adult film?

CARRIE
Nah. Unless you heard Hell froze over?

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
And ya got a mouth on ya --
(smiles)
Wait right here.
I’ll go get ‘em.

He goes back inside.
Carrie waits a moment.

Looks at the open door.
Then quietly slips inside.

INT. MANSION - FOYER - DAY
LAURA LANG (20’s) stands at her mark
in a cheap Chanel knock-off
that flies off her curves.
Studies her lines.

Blonde, impossibly Brit-beautiful.
Indigo eyes burn with mischief.

Cruel lips sneer with
promises best not kept.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was one of those moments that only happen
a couple of times in your life.
If you’re lucky.
All of a sudden I was
face to face with the most
incredibly stunning creature
I’d ever seen.

LAURA
(off the script)
Oh my god.
It’s so fucking huge.
I don’t think I can take it all.
(closes her eyes, memorizing)
Oh my god.
It’s so fucking huge --

Carrie watches.
Stopped in her tracks.

LAURA
Fuck.

CARRIE
I don’t think I can take it all.

LAURA
(opens her eyes)
What?

CARRIE
The rest of the line.

LAURA
Oh. Right.

They both stare.

CARRIE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
I was just passing through --

LAURA
You’re -- visiting someone?

CARRIE
Yeah. Dick Daerr,
the, uh -- owner of the house --

LAURA
You’re WAY too young
to need a hearing aid --

CARRIE
I’m a -- private detective.
Here on -- business.

LAURA
Well, there’s no business
like monkey business, I always say --
(beat)
I’m Laura.

CARRIE
Carrie. Carrie Love.

LAURA
I bet you do.

CARRIE
I’m -- sorry?

A tall, thin, bird-like
UY (40’s) trots in.
Nervous, twitching.

It’s THE DIRECTOR.
Meet Nick Orleans,
Tarzana’s answer to Stanley Kubric.
Minus the talent.

NICK
Laura, there you are.
We’re ready to do the, uh --
strap-on thing.

LAURA
Oh, alright. If you insist.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Love.
(a whisper)
I need to have a word with you -- later.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Smitten. Speechless.

CARRIE
A -- word.
(beat)
Later --

Fast, Cheap And Out Of Control

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of LEGS, disgraced cop Carrie Love opens her private eye shingle and gets her first client, 'the hearing aid guru to the stars' ... who wants to meet her at a porn shoot ...


EXT. CRAFTSMAN BUNGALOW - DAY
A funky, brightly-colored,
hundred-year-old bungalow
on a leafy walkway street
on the north end of Venice Beach.

A sign on the gate reads
‘Carrie Love, Private Investigations.’

CARRIE (V.O.)
So I did what any self-respecting
former homicide detective
that was thrown off the force
for illegal and immoral activity WOULD do --
(beat)
Put up my own private eye shingle.
(beat)
Hey. It worked for Phillip Marlowe, didn’t it?
(beat)
Okay, okay -- so I’m more like Jim Rockford --

INT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A bright, airy space with funky, comfortable furniture.

Big fireplace. Giant sound system.
Big-screen TV. Pin-up art.
Movie posters of iconic female action heroes.

In the corner sits Carrie’s office area.
Right now she’s rocking the laptop, working the mouse,
studying the monitor.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So now here I am, after years of
catching LA’s most notorious
serial killers, rapists and murderers,
I’ve been reduced to posting an ad
for my services on fucking Craig’s List.
(clicks on an email)
A MISSING CAT?
I think NOT.
Buh-bye, MORRIS --
Kibbles and SHITS.
(PUNCHES delete)
The plan was to
take easy, simple cases --
missing persons,
spouses who cheat,
stuff like that.
Just wanna the pay the rent, folks.
(beat)
I thought about bounty hunting --
I mean, that's where
the real bucks are --
but I like breathing,
thank you very much.
(beat)
Problem was, the only
people answering my ad
were an endless parade of losers.
I hadn’t had a single client yet,
and the bills were piling up
higher than Andy Dick
on a Saturday night.

Her phone RINGS.
She looks at it.
Then up at the ceiling.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
So you were listening to my voiceover?
(picks it up, into the receiver)
Carrie Love Investigations, this is Carrie --

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - COFFEE BEAN - DAY
Sidewalk tables overflow with
hip, young film biz posers.

And a liberal sprinkling of Eurotrash.
Five-dollar coffee, ahoy.

In the mix sits DICK DAERR (60).
Short and stocky, barrel-chested, shirtless.

Jet-black hair.
Smug, self-important.

Seated nearby is a
GOLDEN RETRIEVER wearing a scarf.

Right now he’s on his cell phone.
He holds up a business card.
Squints at it in the bright sunlight.

DICK
Yeah, hi. Dick Daerr here,
Hearing Aid Guru To The Stars --

Carrie makes a face.
Looks at the phone.

CARRIE
(mumbles, to herself)
Here we go again --

DICK
I’m sure you’ve heard of me --

CARRIE
Of course.
So what’s up?

DICK
(stares at the card)
Your slogan --

CARRIE
Yeah. What about it?

DICK
'Fast, cheap and out of control?'
Is that any way to
advertise your business?

CARRIE
Marketing gimmick.
Criminals love it.
And you called, didn’t you?

DICK
Yeah.
You were recommended by Irv Lipbaum --

CARRIE
Oh, yeah -- how is ol’ Irv?

DICK
Bastard’s dead.

CARRIE
REALLY?

DICK
Jew-bastard shyster got offed
by one of his clients.
LONG story --
(beat)
So listen.
I need your help.
My daughter is missing.

CARRIE
When was the last time you saw her?

DICK
About a week ago.
She moved out of the house
and started working as a stripper
at The Cheetah Lounge on Sunset.
Owner said she hasn’t
reported for work the last few days.

CARRIE
The Cheetah Lounge --

DICK
Yeah. You know it?

CARRIE
Too well --

DICK
That’s right, Irv said you were a --
(beat)
Uh, anyway -- can you help me?

CARRIE
Business first.
I charge five-hundred bucks a day,
plus expenses, with a retainer --

DICK
No problem.
I’m fucking rolling in it.
Can you come over now?

CARRIE
Hold on.
Let me check my schedule.

Carrie holds the phone away from her.
Taps her foot.

Waits a beat.
Then gets back on.

CARRIE
You’re in luck.
I just had a cancellation.
Where you located?

DICK
I’m at sixteen-twenty-two Queens Road,
in the Hollywood Hills.

CARRIE
Solid.
I’ll be there in thirty minutes.

DICK
Oh. One last thing --

CARRIE
What.

DICK
There’s a porn film
shooting there right now.
Just wanted to warn you.

CARRIE
Really?

DICK
Yeah. When you get there,
just knock on the front door
and ask for me.
I’ll be in my office.

CARRIE
Okay --
(beat)
What kind of porn film?

DICK
Light bondage. All-girl --

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
What’s the title?

DICK
'Learning The Ropes.'
Catchy, huh?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Her impish grin.

CARRIE
I certainly hope so --

Have Blonde, Will Travel

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of LEGS, homicide detective Carrie Love picks up a young chick at Girl Bar in Beverly Hills and goes for a drunken late night joyride, which ends in a clusterfuck of epic proportions ...


EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - NIGHT
A canyon of airbrushed high-rise condos
in Westwood glitters on a hot summer night.
Deserted at four in the morning.

A red ‘69 CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE ROARS
down the street.

The kinda ride I’m gonna snag
when this show goes to series.

INT. CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT
Behind the wheel is CARRIE LOVE (30),
who we recognize as ‘Female Homicide Detective.’

Long chestnut tresses
frame a heart-shaped face.

Cruel red lips. Bloody blue eyes.
Legs for days. And nights.

Smokin’ hot bod that never quits.
Until it’s done.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s me, behind the wheel.
Detective Carrie Love, at your service.
Have blonde, will travel.
(beat)
Most people call me ‘Legs.’
People say my legs are my best feature.
Comes from rollerblading ten miles a day.
Being five foot ten doesn't hurt, either.
More legs per square inch.
(beat)
I think my best features are
my ironic smile and my rapier wit.
But what the fuck do I know?
Most guys just stare at my boobs.

Seated next to her in the passenger seat
is LEXI STEEL (17), vixen from another planet.

Rail-thin. Blonde hair WHIPPING in the wind.
Heart-stopping in ‘naughty schoolgirl’ threads.

Right now she’s lighting a joint.
Hands it to Carrie.

LEXI
Reefer madness, baby --

Carrie sees it. Smiles.
GRABS it. Takes a puff.

CARRIE
No woman, no fry --

LEXI
So you live AT the beach?

CARRIE
Swingin’ bachelorette pad deluxe, baby.
Venice beach a-go-go.
Hot and cold running pleasure,
on tap, twenty-four-seven.
(looks at her)
But I don’t fuck on the first date.

LEXI
THAT’S a shame --

CARRIE (V.O.)
I’d picked her up at Girl Bar in Beverly Hills.
Had just suffered a nasty break up
with the latest monogamy victim,
and needed a baby botox Rodeo Driver
to cleanse the palate.
Tastes great, less willing.
Nice house, owner on permanent vacation --
(beat)
You get the idea.

Carrie takes another hit on the joint.
Looks at Lexi.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
It tastes funny. Is there --

LEXI
Angel dust? Yeah.
Pepper-minty FRESH.

Carrie squints.
Vision going blurry.
Gripping the wheel.

CARRIE
NO! It’s fucking up my HEAD --

EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - NIGHT
The Caddy FLIES AROUND A CURVE.
Reaches an intersection.

The light is yellow.
FLASHES to red.

But Carrie doesn’t see it,
and BARRELS through.
Luckily, there’s no one around --

Except for a TAXI CAB
that appears out of nowhere.

The Caddy CLIPS IT and goes INTO A SPIN,
the weight of the monster vehicle
working like centrifugal force.

Carrie tries to HIT THE BRAKES,
but rushing on the drug,
she accidentally HITS THE GAS --

And the car SHOOTS FORWARD, JUMPS the curb,
and FLIES INTO the glass windows of a BANK.

Glass SPRAYS IN THE AIR like a fountain.
An alarm starts SHRIEKING --

INT. BANK - NIGHT
And the Caddy FLIES into the bank,
SMASHING through desks,
SPRAYING wood and plaster until it
HITS the row of teller windows
and comes to a stop with a CRUNCH.

SPRINKLERS go off.
Water comes RAINING DOWN ON them.

Carrie watches Lexi FLY THROUGH
the windshield and HIT the wall
like a ruined rag doll.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And then my life ended as I knew it --

INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT
A team of DOCTORS and TECHS
fight to save Lexi’s life.

TEARING off her clothes.
Giving her blood.
Sewing her up.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Turned out Lexi was the daughter
of the chief of police --
AND she was underaged.
(sings)
I am seventeen, going on forty --
(beat)
And, being a cop, driving under the influence
of booze and narcotics with a minor at WAY
past the speed limit at four AM
was the trifecta of clusterfucked.
(beat)
Not to mention fucking up a BANK.
(beat)
Oh, and the naughty schoolgirl outfit?
That was her REAL uniform --

INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Carrie stands behind a desk
wearing a suit with her ATTORNEY (40’s),
a hawk-nosed civil servant.

The POLICE CHIEF (50’s)
sits in the witness box, red-faced.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I was lucky I didn’t go to jail.
The only thing that saved my ass
was my arrest record --
(beat)
And the fact that the chief
wanted to keep his darling daughter’s
exploits out of the tabloids.

Lexi sits in the spectator section
in a wheelchair with an IV drip
and a stern-looking private nurse.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Let this be a lesson to you.
Don’t drink and drive,
obey all traffic laws,
and be VERY careful about
who you hook up with
on a Saturday night.
(beat)
Trust me.
Fucking up your boss’s daughter
kinda ass-rapes the career path --

Dirty Harriet

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

This next story is a personal favorite of mine. A few years ago, my manager at the time suggested I adapt my Carrie Love crime features into a TV series, which I thought was a great idea, since we're currently in the 'golden age of cable TV dramas,' and voila, LEGS was born. It got a big thumbs up over at Showtime, but there was just one hitch: since I was an 'unknown,' my manager and I would have to find an actress to play Carrie. Since then, we've been sending it out to various actresses, all who have passed because ... I dunno. Can't be because Carrie is 'too edgy.'

Maybe it's because ... she sleeps with hot chicks?

For those of you who have read a previous draft, I'm pleased to announce that I added a new opening scene that was suggested by Chris Thompson (ACTION, BOSOM BUDDIES, THE NAKED TRUTH) who read it and loved it, and suggested that we should see Carrie as a 'super cop' before she gets kicked off the force.

So that's what I did. And I must say, it worked out quite nicely, with an homage to detective Harry Callahan.

In Chapter 1 of LEGS, we meet robbery-homicide detective Carrie Love, who's enjoying a taco and beer 'hangover remedy' breakfast, which gets interrupted by a bank robbery gone awry ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
A sluggish, smoggy day on
the wrong end of the Walk Of Fame.

The usual assortment of
TOURISTS, STREET TRASH and LOCALS
litter the street.

A CLOWN (50’s) holding a bunch of balloons
leans over the curb.
PUKES technicolor chunks.

A FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE (40)
stands next to a food truck eating a taco.

Wolfing it down.
She looks pale. Sick.

The MEXICAN COOK (40’s) smiles at her
through the service window.

MEXICAN COOK
Best thing for a hangover, huh.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Gimmee another one.
And a Tecate.
Ice cold.

Suddenly GUNSHOTS POP, POP, POP nearby.
Someone SCREAMS.

EXT. BANK - DAY
A small, local branch.
The front door FLIES OPEN.

A MASKED MAN (20’s) comes
RUNNING OUT holding a bag of money.

FEMALE DETECTIVE
Looks at Paco.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Do me a favor.
Call for backup.

PACO
What the fuck?

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Just do it.

Paco shrugs.
Pulls out his cell.
Starts punching in a number.

She starts walking toward Masked Man,
who JUMPS in the getaway car,
an old piece of shit.

The engine ROARS and starts
TAKING OFF right toward her.

Female Dick pulls out
a giant five-hundred Magnum.

Takes aim.
Stilling chewing taco.

She FIRES at it. BANG.
The windshield SHATTERS.

The bullet HITS the driver in the head,
which EXPLODES IN A RED MIST.

The car CAREENS over the curb
into a FIRE HYDRANT.

Water SPOUTS IN A HUGE GEYER.
PEDESTRIANS start RUNNING, SCREAMING.

Masked Man JUMPS out of the car
with the bag of money.
FIRES at her.

Female Dick swallows the rest of her taco,
bullets PINGING around her.

She takes aim. FIRES. BANG.
Gets him in the arm.

He keep coming.
She FIRES AGAIN, BANG.
Gets him in the leg.

Masked Man limps toward her,
still SHOOTING.

Female Dick squints in the hot sunlight.
FIRES again. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.

Gets him in the chest.
He falls over, THWUMP.
Drops the bag.

Cash starts SWIRLING in the air.
ONLOOKERS start trying to scoop it up.

Female Dick slowly walks over to where
Masked Man lies in the gutter, bleeding out.

It’s quite the tableaux.
Water SPRAYING. Money FLYING.

She gets near him.
Aims her piece.

Pulls off his mask,
revealing a YOUNG BLACK KID.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Yo. Ever seen ‘Dirty Harry?’

YOUNG BLACK KID
Huh?

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
I said, HAVE YOU SEEN ‘DIRTY HARRY?’

YOUNG BLACK KID
Yeah.
(groans)
What the fuck?

He slowly, painfully,
with great effort,
moves his head,
looks at his gun lying next to him.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
What we’ve got here is a case of
life imitating art.
(off his stare)
And now you’re wondering.
Did she fire six shots or only five?
(imitates Clint)
Well, to tell you the truth,
in all this excitement
I kind of lost track myself.
(nods at her gun)
Now this is a five-hundred Magnum,
the most powerful handgun in the world.
Dirty Harry’s forty-four used to be,
but after the four-fifty-four Casull
and the four-eighty Ruger came out,
well, the boys at Smith and Wesson
had to go them one better.
Bigger gun. Bigger bullets.
(clicks the safety)
Can take a bear down in a single shot.
And it doesn’t kick so hard.
Easier to shoot.
Gotta love modern technology.
(beat)
So you gotta ask yourself one question.
Do you feel lucky?
Well, do ya homes?

The kid stares at him, scared shitless.
Female Dick reaches down.

Grabs his gun. TOSSES it.
Then takes aim. Scary smile.

Pulls the trigger. CLICK.
The kid SHITS HIS PANTS.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
Go ahead.
Shit my day.

And BURSTS INTO INSANE LAUGHTER.
A UNIFORMED OFFICER appears.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
You brought them down all by yourself?
That’s the second time this month.

FEMALE HOMICIDE DETECTIVE
(nods)
Would you take ‘em in for me?
(off his look)
Gotta taco and a beer waiting for me --

Doggy Style

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of GUN-WILD, we reach the exciting conclusion of our story, in which bank robbers Cam Clinch and Rod Funk ... well, I shouldn't spoil the surprise, huh? Let's just say that the climax is very 'explosive.'


INT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - DAY
Cam walks to the front door.
Turns, looks at Rod.

CAM
Cover me.

ROD
(raises his gun, nods)
Be careful, hot stuff.

CAM
I’m not the one
that needs to be careful.

OUTSIDE THE BANK
Geffin stands a few feet
from the front door holding a megaphone.

Cam appears in the doorway.
Opens it.

A dozen weapons CLICK-CLICK.

GEFFIN
Cameron.

CAM
Hey, Dad.
(aims at him, to the cops)
Lower your guns
or the OLD FUCK gets it.

GEFFIN
Cameron, put the gun down.
Let’s talk.

CAM
TALK?
You wanna TALK?
What do you wanna talk ABOUT?

GEFFIN
I’m sorry I haven’t been there
for you all these years,
but I’m trying to now --
(tears up)
Please, Cammy.
Turn yourself in.
We’ll get you the best lawyer
money can buy --

CAM
'BEEN THERE for me?'
OH, YEAH -- you WERE there for me
when you were FUCKING ME.

The crowd GASPS.
Cam GRABS the bullhorn from him.

Presses the button.
A SQUEAL of feedback.

She raises it to her lips.

CAM
(to the crowd)
Oh, you didn’t KNOW about that?
You didn’t know that my DARLING DADDY
here started DIDDLING ME
when I was THIRTEEN?
And when I finally said NO,
he PUT ME AWAY in a LOONY BIN?

GEFFIN
Cameron, let’s not make up stories --

CAM
MAKE UP STORIES?
How about the one where you
fucking MICROCHIPPED me?

A voice SHOUTS from the rear.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
What the fuck is up with THAT?

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
You should be ASHAMED of yourself.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Yeah, treating her like a DOG.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Doggy-STYLE is more like it.

LAUGHTER from the crowd.

UP ON THE ROOF
Gato has disassembled the rifle.

He packs it in its case.
Looks at the GPS device.
Shuts it off.

GATO
Damn.
I really wanted that Camaro.

IN FRONT OF THE BANK
Cams eyes BURN WITH FIRE.
The pain has stopped.

CAM
If you want to HELP me,
tell the fucking cops
to get us that BUS,
so we can THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.
(anger rising)
Fucking ASSHOLE.
How DARE you show up like this.
I KNOW you -- you just want the PUBLICITY.
(hisses)
You don’t give TWO SHITS about me.

GEFFIN
Now you listen to me --

CAM
SHUT UP.
(CLICKS the trigger)
SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP.

GEFFIN
How DARE you talk
to your father like that.
It WILL NOT be TOLERATED.

CAM
Oh, yeah?
(beat)
Tolerate THIS, asshole.

She SHOOTS him in the belly. BANG.
He FLIES BACKWARDS.

The cops OPEN FIRE.
Cam RACES back inside, dodging bullets.

INSIDE THE BANK
She races over to Rod.
Embraces him.

CAM
I -- shot him.

ROD
Your father?

CAM
Yeah.
(beat)
The pain stopped.

Cam RIPS off her mustache.
They kiss. Passionately.

OUTSIDE THE BANK
The SWAT commander
approaches Burly Police Chief.

SWAT COMMANDER
Chief -- the hostages are in the vault.
We’ve got a clear shot.

BURLY POLICE CHIEF
Go ahead.
Take them out.

INSIDE THE BANK
Cam GRABS Rod by the hand.
Starts PULLING him away.

CAM
C’mon.

ROD
What are you doing?

CAM
I wanna do it.

ROD
Do what?

CAM
(GRABS his crotch)
THIS.

ROD
But we’re in the middle of a --

The windows EXPLODE with gun fire.
They LEAP to the floor.

ROLL toward the back.
Sit in the far corner.

CAM
It’s now or never, baby.
(sexy)
C’mon -- take me to Bolivia.

Rod pulls off his pants.
She pulls off her top.
Her trousers.

They grapple, start making love.
Urgent. Passionate.

OUTSIDE THE BANK
We see the SWAT team and Taya
FIRING through the windows.

INSIDE THE BANK
Bullets WHIP by over their heads,
HITTING the walls.

SPLINTERED SHARDS OF WOOD go FLYING --
as they make love.

ROD
(kisses her)
Think ya used enough
dynamite there, Butch?

A bullet HITS Cam in the arm.
She FLINCHES.

Moves her hips with his.
Rides him.

CAM
(sucks on his neck)
Why is everything we're good at
illegal, Sundance?

A shot SLAMS into Rod’s leg.

ROD
(closes his eyes)
Who ARE these guys?

A bullet HITS Cam in the shoulder.

CAM
(closes hers)
So much for -- going straight.

IN SLOW MOTION
They continue making love.
Now feverishly.
Gaining momentum.

Start reaching a crescendo,
as bullets RIP into them -- they CLIMAX.

Arch their backs,
in that perfect moment of bliss.

Their bodies are ROCKED like rag dolls,
FLY IN THE AIR --

And slowly, slowly, like a feather --
come to rest.

As they EXPLODE in a red mist.

FADE TO BLACK

Like Butch & Sundance

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of GUN-WILD, as the stand-off continues during the botched bank robbery, robbery homicide detective Taya Ralls convinces the SWAT team to let her join them after she reveals that heisters Cam and Rod killed her partner. Meanwhile, Cam's father arrive on the scene to try and convince her to give herself up ...


INT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - DAY
Rod listens on the phone.
Goes to the window.

ROD
And tell that fucking SWAT team to
BACK THE FUCK AWAY from the building.
(listens)
You want a hostage NOW?

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - CONTINUOUS
The West Hollywood POLICE CHIEF (50’s) big and burly,
stands behind a sawhorse talking on his cell phone.

BURLY POLICE CHIEF
Give us one hostage.
You’ll still have eight.
What’s the harm?

ROD
(looks at his watch)
You’ve now got FIFTY-SIX MINUTES.
(hangs up, looks at Cam)
Neck still hurting you?

CAM
The closer he gets,
the HOTTER it gets.

Rod goes to her.
Takes Cam in his arms.
Strokes her hair.

ROD
It’s gonna be okay.
They’re gonna get us a bus,
take us to the airport.
Then we’ll go to Bolivia.

CAM
Like Butch and Sundance.

ROD
Uh -- maybe Mexico
would be a better idea.

In the background, we see Chubby Asian Kid
tip-toe toward the door along the far wall.

Cam sees him out of the corner of her eye.
PULLS AWAY from Rod.
Points her gun at the ceiling.

CAM
HEY, YOU -- little FUCK.
What THE FUCK do you think you’re doing?

She SQUEEZES the trigger. BANG.
Blows a hole in the ceiling.
Tile fragments SPRAY, RAIN DOWN on him.

OUTSIDE THE BANK
Burly hears the blast.
Angrily PUNCHES a number in his cell.

BURLY POLICE CHIEF
What THE FUCK is going on in there?

DOWN THE STREET
Taya piles out of a police cruiser.
Start walking toward the bank.

The uniformed officers get out.
Follow her.

TAYA
The bitch killed MY PARTNER.

GRIZZLED VET
(grabs her arm)
We’re out of our jurisdiction here.

TAYA
(WHIPS her arm away)
Get your hands OFF ME.

INSIDE THE BANK
Cam SHOVES Chubby Asian in the vault.
Closes the barred door.

CAM
Stay the fuck IN there.

MATRONLY WOMAN TELLER
I have to use the -- ladies room.

Cam rubs her neck. Winces.

CAM
Goddammit.
(beat)
Who else needs to go?

Hot Babe raises her hand.
So does an OLD WOMAN.

CAM
Alright, the three of you, let’s go.

EXT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - AT THAT MOMENT
Burly Police Chief
chats with the SWAT COMMANDER.

Geffin Clinch and an
ACNE-SCARRED UNIFORMED OFFICER approach them.

ACNE-SCARRED UNIFORMED OFFICER
Chief.
This is the girl’s father.

BURLY POLICE CHIEF
Mr. Clinch.
Thank you for coming.

GEFFIN
Please, call me Geffin.
Tell me what I need to do.

BURLY POLICE CHIEF
We’d like you to speak with her.
See if you can talk her
into giving herself up.

GEFFIN
I’ll see what I can do.
I do a lot of negotiating
in my business -- but, this --
(trying for tears)
This is my daughter.

EXT. MILLIONS OF MILKSHAKES - ROOF - AT THAT MOMENT
Gato takes position lying down.
Adjusts his sniper-scope rifle.
Aims it at the bank entrance.

GATO
(sees Geffin)
What the fuck?
What’s HE doing here?

IN THE BANK
Cam guides the women
back into the vault.
Closes the door.

Walks over to Rod,
who is pacing furiously.

ROD
(stops)
How you feeling?

CAM
It’s WHITE HOT.
I wanna fucking KILL SOMEONE.

ROD
(pulls out a joint, lights it,
gives it to her)
Here. This might help.

CAM
Thanks -- Sundance.

ROD
Any time, Butch.

She takes a big hit.
Holds it in. EXHALES.

ROD
Don’t worry, baby.
I’ll get us out of here.
As soon as the bus gets here --

GEFFIN (O.C.)
(LOUD, on a megaphone)
Cameron, this is YOUR FATHER.
Please come outside.
I’d like to TALK TO YOU.

CAM
What the FUCK?

ROD
Your -- FATHER?

CAM
What’s HE doing here?

GEFFIN (O.C.)
Please, Cameron.
Let’s talk.
I know we’ve had our -- problems --

CAM
Problems? Problems? PROBLEMS?
(KA-CHINKS her gun)
I’ll show you a PROBLEM.

OUTSIDE THE BANK
Taya walks around to the side of the building.
Approaches a group of SWAT officers
in formation behind shields.

GRIM SWAT OFFICER
You’ll have to step away, miss.
Crime in progress.

TAYA
(flashes her badge)
Detective Ralls, Robbery/Homicide.
The SUSPECTS in there killed my PARTNER.

GRIM SWAT OFFICER
(to someone over her shoulder)
Someone get this woman
a helmet and shield.

TAYA
Now you’re talking turkey.

Dog Day Afternoon

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of GUN-WILD, it's a clusterfuck of epic proportions when Cam and Rod discover the bank has no back entrance, and now their trapped inside with the money and hostages. Meanwhile, Cam's father cancels the hit on her and races to the scene to get some 'good PR.' The problem is, the hitman hasn't gotten the message yet ...


INT. CLINCH ESTATE - OFFICE - DAY
Geffin Clinch talks on the phone.
Face beet red. Beyond angry.
He takes a sip of scotch.

GEFFIN
The story’s been leaked to THE MEDIA?
What the FUCK do I PAY you flacks for?
(listens)
Good publicity?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PRESS AGENT’S OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
A GLOSSY PR HOTTIE sits back in her chair.
Presses buttons on her BlackBerry.
Talks into her hands-free.

GLOSSY PR HOTTIE
The public hates you, Geffin.
All we’ve been able to do was spin control.
But THIS -- this is your chance to look sympathetic.

GEFFIN
Sympathetic? Really?

GLOSSY PR HOTTIE
Hell, yeah.
The wayward heiress stick-up queen --
and her distraught father?
I can see you now, on camera,
tears in your eyes.
The public will lap it up.

GEFFIN
I could do that.

GLOSSY PR HOTTIE
Great.
So get your ass down
to the bank right now
and negotiate with her.

GEFFIN
Which bank did she -- ?

GLOSSY PR HOTTIE
The First Interstate Bank in West Hollywood.

GEFFIN
I’m on my way.

GLOSSY PR HOTTIE
And wear something ‘man of the people,’
like we’ve talked about,
like jeans and a polo shirt.
No Armani.

GEFFIN
Okay. Bye.
(beat)
Oh, shit. Wait a minute.
(punches another number)
Weed? It’s Clinch.
I’m calling it off.
Call me as soon
as you get this message.
DO NOT do anything.
Got it?

EXT. FIRST FISHERMAN’S BANK - AT THAT MOMENT
A dozen SQUAD CARS are parked in front.
So is a NEWS VAN.

The CREW sets up, while a
SULTRY ASIAN ANCHOR reads notes.

GATO’S SUV
Pulls up to the curb across the street.
He gets out, carrying an attache case.

SLAMS the door.
Looks at the brewing storm.

GATO
Great.
Just great.

He turns.
Looks at the business he’s in front of.
MILLIONS OF MILK SHAKES.
Then up at the roof of the one-story building.

GATO
Three Days of the Condor it is.

INT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - AT THAT MOMENT
Rod talks on his cell to the cops.

ROD
We want a bus --
that’ll take us to the airport --
and a plane.
A charter.
You got that?
(listens)
We’ve GOT money.
What THE FUCK do you think
we’re DOING here?
(listens)
You’ve got ONE HOUR.
Then we kill a hostage.
And then another every hour
until we get what we want.
Got it?

Cam points her guns at the hostages.

CAM
Get up, all of you.
You’re going into the vault.

They get up.
Stare at her balefully.

CAM
C’mon, MOVE IT.

The hostages trudge toward the rear.

CAM
Get a MOVE ON,
get your ASSES in there.
(holds her neck)
Goddammit.

Rod listens on the phone.
Goes to the window.

ROD
And tell that fucking SWAT team
to BACK THE FUCK AWAY
from the building --

Withdrawal Pains

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of GUN-WILD, heisters Cam Clinch and Rod Funk blast their way into a West Hollywood bank and start robbing the joint ...


INT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - MAIN LOBBY - DAY
A small joint. Four teller windows. Two are empty.
FAT BANK MANAGER at a desk in the corner.

A single GUARD, a tall, thin older guy.
A handful of CUSTOMERS wait in line.

Cam and Rod BURST in the door.
Shotguns aloft.

ROD
This is A ROBBERY.

CAM
Everybody on the floor, NOW.

The CUSTOMERS get down.
Crying. Whimpering.

Cam RACES over to the teller windows.
SHOOTS the glass. BANG.
It SHATTERS. The TELLERS scream.

CAM
Put your hands in the air
where I CAN SEE ‘EM.

They do. Trembling.

HOT BABE TELLER
Don’t SHOOT, don’t SHOOT.

MATRONLY WOMAN TELLER
P-Please don’t h-hurt us.

CAM
Do what I say,
and no one will get hurt.

ROD
Points his gun at the guard.
Who’s wet his pants.

ROD
Gimmee your piece, Pops.
(takes it)
Looks like someone didn’t
wear their Depends today.
(beat)
Get on the floor with the others,
and try not to get piss on ‘em.

The guard, shaking, walks over.
Lays down.

CAM
THROWS a duffle bag at Hot Babe.

CAM
Start filling it up.
No MARKED BILLS.
And no fucking DIE PACK,
we know all about that SHIT.

ROD
Points his gun at Fat Bank Manager.

ROD
You, Tons of Fun,
go join your customers.
If you behave,
we’ll serve a snack, later.

He nods, trembling.
Goes to where they are.
Lays down.

OUTSIDE
Two BICYCLE COPS wait for the light
across the street.

SMALL BICYCLE COP
That was a gun shot.

GAY BICYCLE COP
You sure?

SMALL BICYCLE COP
I know a fucking gun shot
when I hear one.
(points)
Over there, at the bank.

GAY BICYCLE COP
Oooh. My first bank robbery.

SMALL BICYCLE COP
Glad I could break your cherry.
Let’s go.

INT. INTERSTATE BANK - MAIN LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
Cam watches the TELLERS fill the bag with money.
Rod keeps his gun trained on the customers
on the floor, and the guard.

CAM
C’mon, HURRY IT UP.
(holds her neck)
SHIT.

ROD
What’s wrong?

CAM
It’s ON AGAIN.
He’s ON HIS WAY.

ROD
Shit. Fuck. Piss. Motherfucker.
(beat)
GOD-DAMMIT.

CAM
(to the tellers)
HURRY THE FUCK UP.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
POLICE. Drop your WEAPONS.

SHORT BICYCLE COP
Stands in the doorway.
Aiming his gun with two hands.

Rod WHIRLS AROUND --
and PUMPS A SHOT in his chest. BANG.
He FLIES out the door.

ROD
(looks at Cam)
He’s wearing bike shorts?

CAM
It’s WEST HOLLYWOOD.

OUTSIDE
Gay Bicycle Cop SHRIEKS
into his cell phone.

GAY BICYCLE COP
They killed MY PARTNER.
Send BACK-UP, RIGHT AWAY.
It’s a, a -- BANK ROBBERY.

IN THE BANK
Cam GRABS the money.
Waves her gun at the tellers.

CAM
Both of you, out here with the rest.

They walk out from behind.
Join the group on the floor.

ROD
(to Hot Babe)
Show me where the back entrance is.

HOT BABE TELLER
There is no -- back entrance.

ROD
All these podunk joints
have a back door. SHOW ME.

HOT BABE TELLER
I’m sorry, we don’t.
(bites her lip)
Please don’t shoot me.

CAM
FUCK. What are we gonna do?

ROD
We’re gonna call the cops. Negotiate.
(to the customers)
Somebody give me their cell phone.

Everyone raises theirs.
Rod chooses a phone from the hand of a
CHUBBY ASIAN KID (18).

ROD
Look at this space-age shit.
(starts pressing the screen, then)
Hello?
Gimmee West Hollywood
police headquarters.
(listens)
What’s MY BUSINESS?
How about I’m holding a
BANK FULL OF HOSTAGES AT GUNPOINT?
(listens)
Sure. I’ll hold.
(looks at Cam)
Law enforcement sure ain’t
what it used to be --

Boy's Town

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of GUN-WILD, fugitive bank robbers Cam Clinch and Rod Funk elude both the cops and the hitman Cam's father hired and arrive at the bank they plan on robbing, deep in the heart of West Hollywood ...


EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - DAY
Gato drives the SUV
slowly in the right lane.

Pulls into a parking space.
Grabs the GPS.
Looks at it.

GATO
They’re right nearby.

THE RED LIGHT
Is blinking.
But not moving.

THE JAGUAR
ROARS east on Wilshire.

ROD
How are you doing?

CAM
(rubs her neck)
It’s -- getting better.

ROD
Hold on.

He PUNCHES the gas.
The car TAKES OFF.

INT. CADILLAC SUV - AT THAT MOMENT
Gato looks at the GPS.

GATO
They’re MOVING.

He eases out the parking space --

EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - CONTINUOUS
And gets RAMMED by a pickup truck.

The SUV goes SKIDDING into traffic,
gets CLIPPED by another vehicle,
and BANGS into a parked car.

Nearby, a SIREN WHOOP-WHOOPS.

IN THE SUV
Gato grips the steering wheel.
Blood drips down from his temple.

He picks up his phone.
Dials a number.

GATO
He’s gonna be PISSED.

EXT. SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD - A LITTLE LATER - DAY
The Jaguar drives into West Hollywood. ‘Boy’s Town.’

Neatly trimmed foliage in the median.
Cute, quaint little shops and eateries.

And, of course --
GAY MEN milling about.

INT. JAGUAR CONVERTIBLE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Rod slows down. Looks around.

ROD
It’s -- changed so much.

CAM
Think I’m gonna like being a fag.

ROD
That mean I can do you in the ass?

CAM
My ass is an exit, NOT an entrance.

ROD
Glad to see you’re feeling better.

CAM
(looks, points)
There’s the bank.
On the next corner.

ROD
Then let’s go make a withdrawal --
and get the fuck out of Dodge.

He pulls over. Stops.
They both tie bandanas around their necks.

Reload their weapons.
Look at each other.

EXT. FIRST INTERSTATE BANK - CONTINUOUS
A small, neighborhood red brick bank on the corner.
The Jaguar is parked in front.

Cam and Rod get out.
They pull their scarves up
over their noses.
Look at each other.

ROD
You know, when I was a kid,
I always thought
I'd grow up to be a hero.

CAM
It’s too late for that now.

INT. POLICE CRUISER - MOVING
Taya sits in the back seat,
looks out the window.

Searching the mass of commuters
on the sidewalk.

TAYA
They were both wearing jeans,
baseball caps and shades.

GRIZZLED VET
We’ve gone around this block three times.

TAYA
Then go around the NEXT ONE.
We have to FIND THEM --
they KILLED BOBBY.

GRIZZLED VET
Okay, okay.
(to Rookie)
Open the glove box.

Rookie does.
Pulls out a pint of bourbon.

BLACK ROOKIE
Hey, this is booze.

GRIZZLED VET
No shit, Sipowitz --
you’ll make sergeant in no time.

BLACK ROOKIE
But it’s against regulations.

GRIZZLED VET
Give it to HER.

He does, reluctant.
Taya opens it.
Takes a swig.

TAYA
Thanks, I needed that.
(looks at the bottle)
He loved -- bourbon.

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They're Fucked

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of GUN-WILD, hitman Gato Weed and robbery homicide detectives Bobby Teen and Taya follow fugitive bank robbers Cam Clinch and Rod Funk in a high-speed car chase, but when Cam shoots and kills Bobby, the stakes are suddenly raised sky-high ...


EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - DAY
Gato’s SUV makes through the traffic.
BARRELS east. Gets to a red light.
ZOOMS into the intersection. Cars HONK.

FURTHER ON UP THE STREET
The canyon of high-rises entering Westwood.

The van slows down, as if its
looking for a place to pull over.
But every parking space is filled.

IN THE SEDAN

TAYA
Thank god they’re not THAT stupid.
I’m not in the mood for a high-speed chase.

BOBBY
Don’t count your chickens
before they’re fucked.

IN THE VAN
Rod pulls over next to a parked car.
Stops.

ROD
Hold onto your tits.

BOBBY (O.C.)
TURN OFF THE ENGINE
and get out of the vehicle
WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.

CAM
What are you gonna DO?

ROD
Ever played bumper cars?

He JAMS the gear in reverse,
STOMPS on the gas.

ON THE STREET
The van JERKS backwards,
and PLOWS into Bobby’s car with a BANG.
The hood CRUMPLES like an accordion.

IN THE SEDAN
Bobby and Taya shoot each other a look.

TAYA
They fucking RAMMED US.

BOBBY
(undoes his seat belt)
Motherfuckers.

IN THE VAN
Cam smiles at Rod.

CAM
Holy fucking SHIT.

ROD
Once more with feeling.

ON THE STREET
The van goes forward a bit. Stops.

Bobby and Taya JUMP out of their car,
weapons drawn.

The van ZOOMS backwards,
RAMS the sedan,
pushing it backwards, into traffic.

THE SEDAN
Enters the intersection.
Gets HIT by a city bus. Buh-bye.

ON THE STREET
Bobby and Taya slowly approach the van.
Now idling.

Taya grabs her walkie.

TAYA
This is unit 2-Felix 13.
Officers need assistance, requesting backup.
Corner of Wilshire and Westwood.
Suspects have rammed our vehicle,
and we are now on foot.
REPEAT, officers need assistance, NOW.

IN THE VAN
Rod looks in the rearview.
Pulls out his sawed-off shotgun.
Cam pulls out hers. CA-CHINK, CA-CHINK.

ROD
Ready, Butch?

CAM
Whenever you are, Sundance.

ON THE STREET
Bobby and Taya slowly advance toward the van.

BOBBY
Outta the car, NOW.
Or we’ll START SHOOTING.

Rod and Cam lean out their windows.
Start FIRING.

Bobby gets it in the chest. BANG.
He FLIES BACKWARDS.

Taya DUCKS, rolls to the side,
just missing Cam’s SPRAY of BUCKSHOT.

TAYA
BOBBY, NO!

She sees him lying in the street.
Blood and guts everywhere.

She SCREAMS.
Grabs her walkie.

TAYA
Officer has BEEN SHOT, needs ASSISTANCE.
Where the FUCK is my BACKUP?!

ROD AND CAM
Take off down the sidewalk.
BUMPING into pedestrians.

GATO’S SUV
Pulls up to where Bobby lays. Sees Taya.

GATO
(leans out the window)
Holy shit. I’ll call the cops.

TAYA
I AM the cops.

A SQUAD CAR pulls up.
Uniformed officers LEAP OUT.

An AMBULANCE arrives.
EMS TECHS jump out, race to assist.

TAYA
(to Gato)
MOVE IT, you’re blocking traffic.

Gato nods, takes off.

TAYA
(to the EMS Tech)
Is he OKAY?

A LARGE TECH checks Bobby’s vitals.
Looks at Taya. Shakes his head.

Taya SCREAMS.
A female officer races over.
Hugs her.

TAYA
We gotta GET THEM.

ROD AND CAM
Race up the sidewalk.
Get to the corner. Stop.

CAM
Which way?

ROD
(points north)
This way. Walk.
Don’t attract attention.

CAM
(rubs her neck)
Ow. He’s getting closer.

They cross the street with the light.

INT. POLICE CRUISER - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Two UNIFORMED OFFICES ride in front,
one a GRIZZLED VET,
the other a green ROOKIE.

Taya sits in the back.

TAYA
(looks out the window)
Fuck, they could be anywhere by now.

GRIZZLED VET
What where they wearing?

TAYA
That’s the fucking PROBLEM.
It looked like TWO MEN, I dunno --
maybe she was in disguise.

GRIZZLED VET
Great. So we’re looking for
either a man and a woman, or two men.

TAYA
So what are we gonna do NOW?

GRIZZLED VET
We’re just gonna haveta wait
‘til they make their next move.

Taya pulls out the pint.
Takes a big swig.

TAYA
That’s just fucking GREAT.

EXT. SIDE STREET - AT THAT MOMENT
Rod and Cam turn off Westwood Blvd.

Walk down a side street.
They get to a vintage Jaguar convertible.

ROD
Holy shit.
There IS a god.

They hop in.
Rod fiddles with the ignition wires.
STARTS it.

CAM
Jesus died for somebody’s sins,
but not mine.

And they TAKE OFF --

Hold Onto Your Dick

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of GUN-WILD, the shit hits the fan when fugitive bank robbers Cam Clinch and Rod Funk are pursued by the cops and a hitman Cam's father hired to kill her ... but the plot REALLY thickens when we discover that Cam's father microchipped her, for easy tracking ...


INT. CADILLAC SUV - DAY
A large, hulking MAN sits behind the wheel.
Meet GATO WEED (40), sleazy PI-for-hire.

Right now he’s listening to his police scanner.
He lights up a smoke.

Grabs his I-phone.
He wipes the keypad with his fingers.

ON THE SCREEN
We see a GPS display.
Kind of like MapQuest.

A small, blinking red light
slowly moves across the screen.

GATO
Fucking app -- amazing shit.

The scanner SQUAWKS to life.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
(electronic)
All units, bank robbery suspects
are travelling in a 1979 Volkswagon van,
light blue with white trim.
License number is R as in Robert, 560-5861.
They’re armed and dangerous.
Approach with caution.

Gato picks up his cell.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.

GATO
It’s me. Got some news.
They’re travelling east
on Wilshire Boulevard,
just passed the 405.
I’m on my way.
(listens)
Hold onto your dick. I got ‘em.

He clicks the phone shut.
Starts the engine.
HITS the gas.

GATO
Fucking freak.
(beat)
Must be nice to have
more money than God.

INT. UNMARKED POLICE CAR - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Taya drives. Bobby leans over
a high-tech listening device.

BOBBY
GOT IT.

TAYA
Sneaky bastard.
I still can’t believe you
put a listening device in his office.

BOBBY
Hey -- sometimes you gotta
bend the rules a little.
They’re fucking cop killers,
and we’re gonna NAIL their asses.
(beat)
Turn north on Bundy,
then go east on Wilshire.

TAYA
We’re CLOSE.

BOBBY
Luck of the Irish, doll.

TAYA
But you’re not Irish.

BOBBY
You haven’t seen me drink whiskey --

INT. CADILLAC SUV - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Gato’s stuck in a traffic bottleneck
just east of the 405.
He POUNDS on the steering wheel.

GATO
MOVE, asshole, MOVE.

He pulls out a flask.
Takes a sip.
Wipes his mouth.

GATO
GODDAMMIT.

EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - CONTINUOUS
Gato’s SUV swerves off into the bus lane,
starts passing cars.
A CITY BUS behind him HONKS.

INT. VW VAN - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Some weird oldie plays on the crappy car stereo.
Rod drives, cigarette dangling on his lip.

Cam puts her hand on her neck.
Looks like she’s in pain.
Rod looks at her, concerned.

ROD
What’s wrong, love doll?

CAM
It’s -- hot.

ROD
What? You have a headache?

Cam looks at him.
Tears in her eyes.

CAM
No -- my father, he --

ROD
What?

CAM
He, he --

Another swig.
She rubs her neck.
Tears stream down her cheek.

ROD
It’s okay.
You can tell me.

CAM
He put a, a -- microchip in me.
(whispers)
So he could fucking track where I was.

ROD
What THE FUCK?
He MICROCHIPPED you?
Like a fucking DOG?

CAM
Yeah.
(rubs her neck)
And when it’s on, it gets hot.

ROD
When it’s ON?
You mean -- he’s tracking us RIGHT NOW?

CAM
(smiles sadly)
Dear old dad must be back home.
(beat)
You got another joint?

ROD
(pulls one out)
Here. Shit.
We gotta figure out what to do.

Cam lights it.
Takes a big hit.

Holds it in.
Passes it to Rod.

EXHALES a cloud of smoke.
Eyes burning.

CAM
We could -- cut it out.

ROD
Are you fucking KIDDING ME?

CAM
Well, if we don’t,
Daddy’s goons are gonna get us.

ROD
His GOONS?

CAM
Daddy doesn’t believe in cops.
He’s got his own.

A SIREN WAILS behind them.

ROD
(looks in the rearview)
Shit, COPS. Real ones.

CAM
(turns around)
FUCK me.

BEHIND THEM
Bobby and Taya’s unmarked sedan
is in pursuit.

Red dome light
on the roof FLASHING.

IN THE SEDAN
Taya glances at Bobby.

TAYA
They’re not stopping.

BOBBY
Why am I not surprised.

Bobby grabs the mike,
raises it to his lips.
Flips a switch.

IN THE VAN
BOBBY (O.C.)
(electronic)
You in the van,
PULL THE VEHICLE OVER, NOW.

CAM
SHIT, what are we gonna DO.

ROD
I’ve got an idea.
Hold on --

Breakfast Of Champions

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of GUN-WILD, robbery homicide detectives Bobby Teen and Taya Ralls interview fugitive bank robber Cam Clinch's father, media mogul Geffin Clinch, who's more than a little peeved about his daughter's criminal activities. Meanwhile, Cam and Rod are now disguised as a gay men, and get ready to pull off their next bank job ... in West Hollywood.


INT. CLINCH ESTATE - OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
A large study converted into a home office.
Fireplace. Walls of books.

Large glass and steel desk with a computer.
Everything, the best that money can buy.

Behind the desk sits GEFFIN CLINCH (50’S),
short, bald and tan.

Bright eyes blink with ferocity.
Sharp as a tack.

And about as painful.
Right now he’s on the phone.

Bobby and Taya sit facing him,
trying not to listen.

GEFFIN
(into the phone)
Well, you tell Malone
that we REJECT his offer.
He’s not raiding MY BOARD.
(listens)
Tell him to shove it up his ass --
with no lube.
(listens)
Gotta go.
My nine-o’clock is here. Bye.

He BANGS down the phone.

GEFFIN
I’m so sorry.
Where were we?

BOBBY
No problem.
About your daughter --

GEFFIN
Yes -- my dear, darling daughter.
(closes his eyes)
So let me get this straight --
(opens them, glaring)
Cameron escaped from the
psychiatric facility,
came here, BORROWED my
TWO-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR
recreational vehicle --
and then she and her friends
ROBBED A BANK and KILLED
three police officers.
Is that about the size of it?

BOBBY
(clears his throat)
Yes, sir.

TAYA
We realize this must be
difficult for you, Mr. Clinch.

GEFFIN
Difficult? Difficult? DIFFICULT?
(beat)
How about fucking IMPOSSIBLE.
My virtual shopping network
is going out with an IPO,
and if this news gets out, I’m FUCKED.

TAYA
We realize this is sensitive information.

BOBBY
We haven’t told the media any --

GEFFIN
THE MEDIA? I AM the fucking MEDIA.
If her identity is leaked to the press,
I’ll have your asses in a SLING.
You’ll be reading parking meters
in COMPTON when I get through with you.
(off Taya’s reaction)
Oh, was that POLITICALLY INCORRECT?
(BANGS the desk with his fist)
WHAT ELSE do you know?

BOBBY
We just learned that a VW van
was stolen right near where
the Winnebago was abandoned.
There’s a good chance that
she and her friend
are in this vehicle right now.

TAYA
(hopefully)
We put out an APB.
Every cop in the city has the license number.

GEFFIN
Don’t you idiots realize that’s the
WORST thing you could do?

BOBBY
I’m sorry, sir --
but we’re sworn to uphold the law.

TAYA
Don’t you want to help your daughter?

GEFFIN
(to Bobby)
I realize that.
You’re just doing your JOB.
(to Taya)
OF COURSE I want to help her --
but she’s been nothing but trouble
since the day she was born.
I wish I could just --
(wrings his hands)
Her identity CANNOT be revealed to the media.
Do you understand?

Bobby stands. So does Taya.

BOBBY
I understand.

GEFFIN
I realize that as officers of the law,
you’re not entitled to accept -- gifts.
(beat)
But please know that if you help me with this,
I can help YOU.
(beat)
Perhaps -- a transfer downtown?
Where things are little more -- exciting?

Bobby and Taya exchange looks.

GEFFIN
Think about it.
And keep me posted.

BOBBY
Will do.
Thanks for your time.

They leave.
Geffin PUNCHES a number on his phone.

GEFFIN
(listens)
Gato? It’s Clinch.
(listens)
I need you to do a job for me.
Double your usual rate.
(listens)
It needs to be done immediately.
It’s urgent.
(listens)
I’ll send a messenger
with a package right now.
You’ll have it in ten minutes.
(listens)
You can do it any way you want to.
As long as it gets done.
(listens)
My god, man -- you’re evil.
Just check with the cops.
They have the license plate number.
(listens)
How I sleep at night
is none of your fucking business.
Just DO IT.

INT. THE STARLET MOTEL - SHITTY ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
A tiny boombox plays The Cramps LET’S GET FUCKED UP.

Rod chops lines on the table.
Shaking it to the music.

Cam is now in male drag
in her baseball cap and shades.

Takes a swig of vodka.
GRABS her crotch like a guy.
Struts around.

CAM
(low, throaty)
It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A --

ROD
(looks, laughs)
Be careful, don’t get that mustache wet.
Cheap ass piece of shit might fall apart.

He leans over.
HONKS up a line.
Then another.

ROD
Honey -- breakfast’s ready.

Cam grins.
Goes to the table.

Takes the straw.
INHALES a line.
And another.

Then a third.
Rubs her nose.

CAM
Ahhh -- breakfast of champions.

Rod picks up his gun.
Puts it his waistband.

Zips up his jacket.
Goes to Cam.
Puts his arms around her.

ROD
You ready to roll, big fella?

CAM
Lock and load, gay boy.

ROD
Shut up. Don’t call me that.

She kisses him.

ROD
What was that for?

CAM
I dunno. Felt like it.
(rubs up against him)
I feel -- different.
More POWERFUL.
Maybe when this is all over,
I’ll get a sex change.

ROD
Over my dead body.

CAM
(evil smile)
Careful what you wish for --

Take A Walk On The Wild Side

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of GUN-WILD, fugitive bank robbers Cam Clinch and Rod Funk hole up a cheap motel and change their appearance to hide from the cops. Rod shaves his head, and Cam disguises herself as a boy. Their plan? To pretend to be a gay couple, and rob a bank in West Hollywood ...


INT. THE STARLET MOTEL - MORNING
Nine AM. Sunlight streams through
the edge of the drawn curtain.
It hits Cam’s Glock on the night table.

IN THE BATHROOM
Cam looks in the mirror.
Holds up a pair of scissors.

CAM
You really think I can pull off
dressing like a boy?

ROD (O.C.)
(chuckles)
Maybe a gay boy.

CAM
I knew you had tendencies --

She starts CLIPPING off
chunks of her long hair.
They flutter down into the sink.

Rod walks in.
His hair is now in a blonde buzz cut.
He takes a swig from a bottle of vodka.

ROD
HEY. I was passed out.

CAM
(still clipping)
Yeah, but your dick still got hard.

ROD
I was fucking SLEEPING, Cam --

She finishes cutting.
The hair that’s left is ragged, choppy.

CAM
Gimme some vodka.

He hands it to her.
She takes a swig.
Stares in the mirror.

ROD
God, you look different.

CAM
Kinda like it.
(growls)
I’m BUTCH.

He hands her an Ace bandage.
She hands him the bottle.

CAM
What’s this for?

ROD
(takes a swig)
To bind down your tits.
And then another one
to wind around your waist.
We gotta do something about
that hourglass figure of yours.

Cam starts wrapping the bandage
around her chest.

CAM
(sings)
I’m too sexy for my gun,
too sexy for my gun --

ROD
We could go to West Hollywood.
Blend.

She finishes.
Starts wrapping the other one
around her waist.

CAM
That’s actually a great idea.

ROD
What?

CAM
We could go jack a West Hollywood bank.
There’s a First Nationwide
on Santa Monica Boulevard.
It’s small, but I bet
it’s nice and juicy.

Cam is done.
She looks at her waistline.
And the lack of one.

ROD
(hands her a t-shirt)
Here. Try this on.

CAM
(as she pulls it on)
Gays have more money,
they have no kids.
Bet it’s nice and juicy.

She looks in the mirror.
No figure.

Rod holds a moustache in his hand.
He applies spirit gum.
Hands it to her.

ROD
Village People, here we come.

Cam carefully puts it on.
Stares in the mirror.

CAM
(low)
Hey, sailor.
Buy me a drink?

Rod takes a swig of the bottle.
Hands it to her.

Cam takes a long pull.
Wipes her mouth.

ROD
Let’s do it.

CAM
Take a walk on the wild side?

ROD
You know what they say --
(SMACKS her ass)
When in Rome --

CAM
HEY.

ROD
That’s right, I forgot.
You’re a top.

CAM
And don’t you forget it --