The Hungry Heffer

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid comedy team/would-be bounty hunters follow escaped Ponzi schemer Roland Forsythe's girl toy to a truck stop with a view to following her to Roland's secret lair ... but then Honey suddenly turns the tables in a surprising move ...


INT. THE WAGON WHEEL - DUSK
Brightly lit, done up in a ‘country’ motif.
The joint is packed with
TRUCKERS, WHITE TRASH and FAT FAMILIES.

Dick and Honey walk in,
take a look around.

HONEY
I thought California
was a blue state.

DICK
My god.
I can smell the
deep fat from here.

HONEY
Check out the
saddle bags on that one.
They should call this place
‘The Hungry Heffer.’

DICK
There she is, over there.
Let’s sit over here.

He ushers her over to a booth
off to the side. They sit.

HONEY
I think we’re too close.
She’ll be able to see us.

DICK
Nah. She’s wouldn’t notice
if the place was on fire.
See how she’s glued to
her I-Phone, head bent low?
Remember when we went to the beach
and saw that girl texting
while she was walking?

HONEY
How could I forget?
You walked right into her boobs.

DICK
I told you it was an accident.

SOUTHERN FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
How are ya’ll doing tonight?
Hope ya’ll brought big appetites.

Meet the WAITRESS (40’s) a plump
good ‘ol gal poured into a
waitress outfit two sizes too small.

Buttons about to burst.
She smiles cheerily,
hands them giant menus.

PLUMP WAITRESS
Can I get you something
to drink while you decide?

DICK
Two coffees, please.

HONEY
Do you have any specials?

PLUMP WAITRESS
Everything we got is special.
My favorite is the pulled pork.

HONEY
(off Dick’s look)
Don’t say it.

PLUMP WAITRESS
I’ll be right back
with your coffees.
She waddles away.

HONEY
If she knows we’re following her,
she must have called him.
We have to come up with a new plan.

DICK
No shit. Have any ideas?

HONEY
I’m thinking, I’m thinking.
(sees something)
I’m going to the ladies room.
Wait here.

She gets up. Walks away.
Dick watches her go. Snorts.

DICK
Right. Like I’m gonna follow her.

INT. THE WAGON WHEEL - LADIES ROOM - NIGHT
Honey walks in.
Simone comes out of a stall.
Sees Honey.

SIMONE
I know you’re following me.
I called my boyfriend.
He’s expecting you.
Some private detectives YOU are.

HONEY
(WHIPS OUT her derringer)
I’m a bounty hunter, toots.
Shut the fuck up
and you won’t get hurt.
We’re gonna go out to the
parking lot and get in my car.
(puts the gun in her jacket pocket, still holding it)
You go first.
Any monkey business
and I swear to god I’ll shoot.

SIMONE
You’re -- serious.

HONEY
As a hemorrhoid.
Move it, tramp.

SIMONE
HEY.

HONEY
I said MOVE it,
before I blow a hole
in your fun-bags. MARCH.